Calling all American women married to Russian men

[Kharkov_Natalie 0]

While it is interesting reading this forum, it is mostly from an American male perspective. I was wondering if any of the women out there would be interested in sharing experiences and making friends with other women married to Russian men.

My husband and I have been married for over 1.5 years and we have a 3 month old little boy. We are now really hitting some of the cultural differences and having to work through some tough issues. It would be great to have someone who may be going through some of the same things to talk to. Even greater, someone who has successfully overcome some of these challenges.

Anyone out there interested in being friends and sharing experiences?

[mox 298]

Being the male, I can't answer your specific question, but I'm wondering what cultural differences and tough issues you're having to work through?

And welcome!!

[Danno 1,228]

Poor guy... probably just wants a good "Beet salad" for dinner once in a while.

[Kharkov_Natalie 0]

Well, cooking Russian food isn't the issue since I lived there for 4 years and learned a few recipes.... I wish it were that easy!!!!

It is just different when you consider gender roles and it's the woman's country and she knows the ropes better, can get the better jobs, a woman having to teach her husband to drive (which I am convinced is completely unnatural ....

My husband doesn't know anything about doing finances and so I still take care of all of that. Of course, I am finding out that it is not uncommon in Russia for men to just hand over their salaries to their wives anyway, but it makes me feel strange. I guess it is harder for him to be the "man." Over there, he was my protector, he knew much more than I did about life there and so this role reversal is hard on us.

They have different ideas about fatherhood than the typical Americans do.

Then there are probably things that we all have to deal with... my husband developed this superiority complex about Russia as soon as we crossed the border. He is having problems with people because he has not learned the art of tact when talking to people. He still says what he thinks very bluntly. He expected to get a job at the top and not have to work his way up....

Complains about our country a lot even though I know he wouldn't give it up and go back for all the money in the world, etc. It just feels a bit ungrateful to me since I know exactly where he came from and how much better his life is now.

I am a bit of an old fashioned woman, so I would like to let him take more of the lead, but he has some wrong ideas about life here and is a bit stubborn in letting what he thinks he knows go... It requires a lot of tact and skill as a woman to teach a man without him feeling like he is being treated like a child. And I don't feel like I have mastered that...

Then there is dealing with the mother-in-law who thinks that her son could have done a lot better with a Russian woman. But that is probably a common issue for all wives... MILs thinking there was someone better for their son.

[NatPatBen 3]

Hi, Natalie from Louisiana. I am also a Natalie born & raised in Louisiana.

I thank you for posting the cultural differences you've experienced. While my fiance is not from Russia, I do think many women marrying men from other places will be able to relate to your post. I will definitely discuss this post with my fiance now, before he gets here, so we can be aware of what may be to come and be better able to handle it.

Well, cooking Russian food isn't the issue since I lived there for 4 years and learned a few recipes.... I wish it were that easy!!!!

It is just different when you consider gender roles and it's the woman's country and she knows the ropes better, can get the better jobs, a woman having to teach her husband to drive (which I am convinced is completely unnatural ....

My husband doesn't know anything about doing finances and so I still take care of all of that. Of course, I am finding out that it is not uncommon in Russia for men to just hand over their salaries to their wives anyway, but it makes me feel strange. I guess it is harder for him to be the "man." Over there, he was my protector, he knew much more than I did about life there and so this role reversal is hard on us.

...

[Blues Fairy 0]

It must be awfully hard for you to wear the pants in the family while making sure your partner is not aware of it. He's obviously going through some tough growing pains (authoritative MIL being of little help). But I assure you, wanting him to be more of a man while you would prefer to be more of an old fashioned woman is NOT a "cultural difference", it's a perfectly normal desire. Sometimes making a man only requires LETTING him be a man - who knows, maybe if you stop holding the reins so tightly, he'll naturally pick them up.

[slim 1,525]

Natalie, the whole time I've been on VJ, I've seen exacty ONE other American woman married to a Russian man and she was... no wait a minute, there's one more now. Anyway, haven't heard from either one of them in quite a while. There are (were) three of you on here so you do have a little company.

As for the cultural differences you listed, we have every single one of them here as well. I believe the gender role plays a small part in it, but the Russian spouse has to realize that here in America, gender roles aren't the same as they are in Russia and while it's possible to play gender roles in the home and in the relationship, society here has dictated gender roles will be shared to a certain degree and that's the only way to maintain a successful American household.

Same goes for "I am Russian and I will be do like zis." No dice, here in America. When you're in America, you do American stuff or else you go back to Russia. For some strange reason, "when in Rome" cannot be adhered to without a fight. It's just inconceivable that they'd "not know" something that you do about your own country. "It's impossible work like zis because in Russia, (expletive deleted) we must be do like zis." Well, you're not in Russia, you're in America.

I taught my wife how to drive. Husband teaching wife, man teaching woman something mechanical, natural order of things, right? WRONG! I won't even get into that, but I'm sure you feel my pain. (Just for the record though, she's a great driver now.)

The finances, money, bill paying (on time), etc. is something that I have given up on trying to get her to take an active part in. Trying to get her to "ante up" is like pulling teeth. For us, this could be a gender role thing ("you are husband and husband must be pay all bills for wife.") but I believe it's more of a case of the spouse being accustomed to supporting themselves (and maybe even you too) and now not having the same amount of input as they would back home. That, I understand. But, what I don't understand is how they're fully capable of doing 3rd grade math (addition and subtraction) and yet they still can't understand or grasp the concept of a monthly household budget. I'm sure they're more than capable of doing it, just having trouble embracing the fact that it's a necessary part of life in America and not so much in Russia. Our current "spat" about the money issue is the insanity of keeping $8 in the bank account while having a pile of cash at home. "The rent is due.... do you think maybe we could put the money in the bank before we write the check?"

As for softening things up when talking to people, being "nice," showing a little common courtesy, etc., it will happen. It'll take some time, but it will happen. It's hard to keep up that "frozen" personality forever, especially when those around you are having more fun than you. I reached the point of ceasing to accomodate her pissy attitude fairly quickly after her arrival. I could only see a grown woman pout for so long. It still happens in public, but I just move on with what I'm doing and those around me are quick to note, "well, she's Russian."

I know you were looking for advice from women, but what I see in your post is the frustration of sharing a life with a foreign spouse, loving them like crazy but beating your head against the wall because they're SO FREAKING STUBBORN and just won't "get it." Or worse, they "get it"..... they just refuse to accept it.

The only real advice I can give you is don't expect it to happen overnight, but hang in there because it will get better. Also, and this is probably the hardest part, start doing what makes you happy and what "we do here in America." It's going to cause a lot of fights and hurt feelings, but basically, it's tough love. You know what it takes to make a successful home and marriage work in America. Reality is they probably do too, they're just too dagblasted stubborn to get on board with you because it wasn't their idea or because that's not the way they're used to doing it. It doesn't matter because that's the way we do it here.

I fought for a long time with my wife about every single little thing and only recently, in the past six months or so, have I really started to "let it all go" and just say, "well, this is America, this is how we do it, and this is how we're going to do it. If you don't like it, you can always go back to where you came from." That always ends up in a big spat but after it blows over, surprisingly enough, she sees that it really was a good idea to have money in the bank account before we paid the rent. And then, for the rest of the month we can enjoy living together in the apartment we paid for. She may not let on and may never, ever tell me, but I know for a fact that doing what we do here, in America, is the right thing for us to do in our relationship as well because it's a lot easier to have a happy relationship when you have the bills paid, know how to drive, have good kids, etc. You know, a normal American life. If he cries about it, SO FREAKING WHAT. Let him pout for a little while and then when he's done he'll enjoy your American life together with you.

Good luck, and keep us posted on how it goes!

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

i always love your posts, slim.

[Melissa&Vadim 0]

While it is interesting reading this forum, it is mostly from an American male perspective. I was wondering if any of the women out there would be interested in sharing experiences and making friends with other women married to Russian men.

My husband and I have been married for over 1.5 years and we have a 3 month old little boy. We are now really hitting some of the cultural differences and having to work through some tough issues. It would be great to have someone who may be going through some of the same things to talk to. Even greater, someone who has successfully overcome some of these challenges.

Anyone out there interested in being friends and sharing experiences?

Talk to me, sister! I can feel your pain although, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything, it can be challenging (as in any relatively new marriage). If I can help, just let me know. I've found it's better to vent once in awhile than to continually beat one's head against the wall...

-Melissa

[Kopa 3]

My husband and I have been married for 4 years now and it has most definetly gotten better. He still is very Russian in the fact that he is very blunt and speaks his mind the majority of the time, my family and his coworkers have just gotten used to his blunt nature but in the beginning he offended a lot of people. He still complains about Americans being fake and always wearing a smile. He complained a lot about the US for the first 1 1/2 years (but in his defense I complained about Russia still even though I lived there 3 years) and doesn't as often now. His favorite complaint is "and they call this the land of opportunity" .

My husband was unable to get a job for the first 6 months and then when he did I made more money than him..that was very rough...and it was like that for a year! Now I stay at home and he makes far more money than I did when I worked, but he had to start at the bottom also. He wanted to provide for me and it wasn't that easy. Also a lot of Russians I know think you can move to the US automatically start earning $75,000 and be able to save half of it (my father in law being one of them) so he might have had the same idea.

I still do all the finances in our family and it drives me crazy to this day!! I tried to get him to pay bills and write checks but for him it was too frustrating and time consuming. He still doesn't know how to write a check even though I have taught him a thousand times. I understand your frustration with this because I am the same way..

I really dont' have any great advice other than "hang in there" as cheesy as it sounds. Patience was really the key in overcoming the hurdles in our marriage. We still struggle, obviously, but are slowly adjusting. I had to give up some of my "ideas" of what roles a man should play in a marriage as he had to give up some of his ideas.

[shikarnov 7]

Then there are probably things that we all have to deal with... my husband developed this superiority complex about Russia as soon as we crossed the border.

After living in Russia for several years, this is something that even I had trouble with. There's a LOT of things in Russia that so completely juxtapose America that it's impossible not to make comparisons. Somebody sues McDonalds after spilling hot coffee. That would NEVER happen in Russia. It'd be laughed right out of court. I can imagine the judge now... "Что это...хммм... ммм хммм... Чего?? "

I alienated a lot of my family during my first few months back with comments about politics, culture, and some of the things the Russians are right about or do differently/better. Some still don't talk to me because they get frustrated with my "brainwashed" criticisms of America.

I think your husband will adjust with time, as I'm learning to again.

[Lyuba 0]

I handle all the finances in our house because I am just better at that then my American husband.

And yes, Russian people say things bluntly as they are. That's how we are. I can't get used to American sweet talk even after 4 years here. It is just culture. What is considered rude in America is perfectly fine in Russia and American extreme tactfullness is perceived as hypocrisy in Russia.

[GiGii 4]

Natalie,

I couldn't agree with your post any more, its almost exactly what I have nearly 3yrs into it.

Its a constant battle to keep proving that there are simply just ways that stuff is done in the US, without having to compare exactly everything to how it was back home. The job thing is a joke! He expected to arrive and be a VP of everything... without any experience in the field, and have a salary of minimum say $75K. Having to work an "immigrants job" in the beginning for $8.75 an hour was a rude awakening. He would compare his life here, to back home, and complain every single day I tried to comfort and remind him of all the benefits he has here, that he didnt at home. He's a little different than your husband, cause mine would trade the US for home anyday... he keeps remining me that he's only in the US cause he loves me, and knows I wont live in the motherland.

I handle all our finances, because he would keep all the cash under the mattress, and spend most of it on a weekend out. He doesn't seem to mind this, until I remind him "we cant spend more than we earn honey." As for spending, given he had no credit back home, I wonder how he afforded all the brand name clothes. If its not diesel or hugo boss, he doesnt want to wear it. (and no, he didnt wear knock-offs, he had no problem forking over $250 for a pair of jeans).

I'm a mix between old fashioned & modern, as I would like for him to have more of the "man" role, but it seems I keep being left to handle all the responsibilities. As for the modern idea, I expect 50/50 in terms of housework and helping, which he does without any problems.

He used to be the center of his social circle, and cant live down the fact that it isnt so here. He's blunt... but learning the effects of that, based on people's negative reactions to what he says honestly. I cant understand why he needs to know how much everyone makes. Still he'll bluntly ask friends "how much do you make monthly" and compare that to the position/pay back home. No matter how many times I tell him we dont do that here, he keeps on

As for cultural differences... I just had both inlaws for 3 weeks here, and nearly ripped out all my hair. I got explanations from the FIL on almost every single difference he's noticed between life in the US & home... each being at least 45 min. Now he's a very dominant male, bread winner for the family, as you can imagine, I had a hard time telling him he's wrong on this American ideology.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Well, cooking Russian food isn't the issue since I lived there for 4 years and learned a few recipes.... I wish it were that easy!!!!

It is just different when you consider gender roles and it's the woman's country and she knows the ropes better, can get the better jobs, a woman having to teach her husband to drive (which I am convinced is completely unnatural ....

My husband doesn't know anything about doing finances and so I still take care of all of that. Of course, I am finding out that it is not uncommon in Russia for men to just hand over their salaries to their wives anyway, but it makes me feel strange. I guess it is harder for him to be the "man." Over there, he was my protector, he knew much more than I did about life there and so this role reversal is hard on us.

They have different ideas about fatherhood than the typical Americans do.

Then there are probably things that we all have to deal with... my husband developed this superiority complex about Russia as soon as we crossed the border. He is having problems with people because he has not learned the art of tact when talking to people. He still says what he thinks very bluntly. He expected to get a job at the top and not have to work his way up....

Complains about our country a lot even though I know he wouldn't give it up and go back for all the money in the world, etc. It just feels a bit ungrateful to me since I know exactly where he came from and how much better his life is now.

I am a bit of an old fashioned woman, so I would like to let him take more of the lead, but he has some wrong ideas about life here and is a bit stubborn in letting what he thinks he knows go... It requires a lot of tact and skill as a woman to teach a man without him feeling like he is being treated like a child. And I don't feel like I have mastered that...

Then there is dealing with the mother-in-law who thinks that her son could have done a lot better with a Russian woman. But that is probably a common issue for all wives... MILs thinking there was someone better for their son.

Well what you describe is what I have exerienced with ukrainian wife, only reverse. ) I taught her to drive, probably not a good activity for any married couple. She came from a big city with good public transportation to live on a rural ISLAND in Vermont. So there has been a bit of adjustment in that area and she is still trying to understand the financial aspects, bill paying, deposits, withdrawls, etc. She was very dismayed that there was always "something to pay". I don't know why, of course she had "bills" in Ukraine, but she was paid cash and felt her money was "hers". She didn't have a "cell phone bill" but she paid cash for "minutes", what's the difference? For whatever reason, she preferred to pay cash in advance rather than a check in arrears. She feels when I get paid, the money is not "ours" because we must then pay bills before we can "keep anything". I made one simple adjustment and it has made a world of difference. When we do the bills together every week, FIRST we discuss what we need for the family...food, clothes, manicure, basketball shoes for the 13 yr. old, etc. We put aside that money and we take it as cash from the ATM, THEN we write checks for the bills. It is simple really (we would pay for all those things anyway) but if she feels the needs of the family are met FIRST, she is very quiet and calm. If she has to worry if there will "be enough left" she is very nervous.

I lived in Ukraine for 2 years and can tell you the women there get divorced for two main reasons...abuse/alcoholism and the husband not doing what a man "should do" and that is to support his family and "care for all" without being asked, or told, what to do by the wife. So your husband may be a bit worried he is not providing for you as he should. In my experience the men that truned over their checks weren't married for long. It can be difficult sometimes to do all what is expected. It has taken a while but I have found that my wife wants to be informed of everything, but not really make decisions. Those should be made before I tell her about a "problem".

Also my wife is quick to point out the things she thinks are "stupid" about our country, but will admit (under pressure) it is a really nice and clean place to live and clothes and shoes are really cheap compared to Ukraine. And she has no desire to "go back" but rather is determined to "conquer" the way of life here. She likes the freedom of actually having and driving a car which she never dreamed of in Ukraine. She doesn't like that she cannot go out the door and catch a bus or walk 100 meters at 11pm and buy some juice...but she CAN drink the water from the faucet and the hot water is always hot. So there is a period of adjustment. I think the first week here, she was thrilled and excited, this turned to depression and discouragement and now is getting better as she "conquers" each challenge one by one. I think she has also finally accepted it will take time but as long as there is progress, all is OK.

Sorry, I do not have problems with the MIL to relate. I get along with mine very well and she is actually relieved her daughter lives here, for some odd reasons, but who cares? We live on a large 3 acre lot and have lakefront property. Her mother thinks it is good since we can always grow our own food and catch fish to eat. Her mother is from an era where those things would have been valuable at times and old ways of thinking do not change. A staple in her mother's diet right after the "Great Patriotic War" was GRASS....and we have plenty of grass to eat if we need to. LOL!!!!!!!!

The good thing is that, for my wife, the most important thing is that I love and care for her, which I do a great deal. She will get through almost anything else.

Good luck, all will come in time

[Melissa&Vadim 0]

I agree completely, the "blunt" topic hits home. Of course, I insist on honesty, but there are other ways to communicate one's feelings than to have a 45-minute dissertation on any topic, including the history of any pertinent detail, while the listener is fuming the entire time. I can tell you we've had more than one blow-out, the biggest immediately after a parent-teacher conference... Also, I'm just about sick to death of having it pointed out to me how many times the phrase "You can make a difference" or "diversity" is used in our society.

It does seem to be a common theme. My Russian tutor, even after being in the US seven years, still prefers his idea of "honesty" to "political correctness" which of course doesn't seem to exist in Russia, as far as I've been informed. It's difficult to keep these cultural differences in mind when someone pushes all the right buttons with his/her bluntness, that's for sure.

As far as gender roles, I am very experienced after only six months of marriage, with those differences as well. I told my husband, I can't wait until I can learn Russian enough to have a LOOOONNNGG talk with your mother about why you don't know how to operate any of the strange white metal boxes in our house, among other things!

Anyway, I'm venting, but this topic does hit close to home