Infertility and USC/desi marriages

[Imua 0]

I am a 41 year old USC married to a younger Nepali man. It is the first marriage for both of us and neither of us has had children. I believe that in Nepali and desi culture in general children are basically seen as the end-all and be-all of marriage and if a woman is unable to conceive it is a given that the man will divorce her. I am hoping people on the forum maybe can give me examples where that isn't the case... When I have brought it up with Govi he says 'we can adopt' but we are not even what most in the US would call middle class and he has not idea how difficult and expensive adoption is - I have researched it and I do know. IVF etc. is also impossible due to cost and a lot of clinics will not treat women over 40 to boost their success rates. I read that under Nepali law until 2 years ago if a doctor could prove that a wife was infertile then a man would have the legal right to divorce her, that is no longer the case so I guess maybe attitudes may be changing slowly. When I have researched the issue online it seems most Indians/desis would never even consider a childless marriage and that scares me and makes me doubt my husband's intentions. In my heart I do not think he is consciously deceiving me but I don't think he has any idea how slim the chance of conception is(lower than 5% and decreasing every year). I know I have seen some older female USC/younger desi man couples here and am wondering how the children issue has played out and if the man stayed once he realized his wife was infertile... I have been wrestling over this issue and it just won't go away...

Mother Nature is such a b!tch, isn't she?????

Edited December 28, 2008 by Pattu Rani

[ELW 5]

Here I am, I am a prime example in the same situation. 42-year old USC wife to 28-year old Indian hubby. First marriage for both of us, never had kids. Everything is going on very well so far, so please do yourself a favor and don't worry so much. We tend to worry and men tend to do the opposite (like my guy) - not think about it at all and not plan and suddenly one day decide something when it is too late. But that can work to our advantage, because then it is impossible and they accept the situation as it stands because everything is so stable by then.

Anyway, I made it very clear that I didn't want kids when we talked about marriage. He said that was OK but now and then would bring up the idea of having one child. Love does that to people - you gotta accept the good and the not so good. He loves you so he accepts that he may not have biological kids with you because to him (and to my guy), it is not the most important issue obviously. I went ahead and did the Essure procedure so I'm sterilized for life. At the moment his plan is to adopt the child of his brother (he just got married a few months ago and his wife is pregnant), bring that child here at age 4 or so for a good education, then send the child back at about age 12 so the child doesn't get nasty American habits. My guy's chief reason to adopt is so the child will be indebted for life and take care of him in old age. I let my guy have his fantasies (his brother knows nothing about his plans), it is anyway years in the future and will probably never come about (mountains of paperwork, research, money, time, energy - I don't see it happening). (Your guy doesn't have a brother to carry on the family name so it is a bit of a different situation. But he could still propose to adopt a child of one of his sisters.)

My advice is to not make it a big issue, don't be paranoid about it or bring it up. Whenever my guy brings it up I say yes that may be possible or may not, we shall see. I get into the Indian mode of wait and delay. Sometimes that irritating Asian irrational inefficiency works to our advantage. In the meantime, they get so attached to our love, charm and support that the child thing will be less and less of an issue. I anyway suspect it is more of an issue to the Asian mother than to the son. And like any child, the son (our guys) can deal with their (10,000-mile away) nagging mother in stride.

Years in the future we may move back to India anyway, where our USA retirement money will easily educate the proposed adopted kid. Maybe the kid if adopted will want to study in America, get a great job, and actually support hubby in old age, so all will be happy. Who knows? I'm certainly not going to worry about it now!!

[second stage 14]

Well, not having kids doesn't always mean its the end of the relationship. Most often and always it depends on the open mindedness of your spouse plus how nagging his/her parents and relatives are..

You researched about adoption and IVF....When he gets here, give him some time & space and perhaps after he finds a job then discuss about expenses related to each process.

How about you? Do you want kids? Do you really really want kids? If so, give it a shot with whatever minimal chances you have and then perhaps he will realize that you do want kids but maybe unable to conceive for whatever reason...

Edited January 4, 2009 by second stage

[childress_london 3]

Don't give up before you try. Plenty of women are having babies in their 40's now. The only scary part is the higher risk of down's syndrome. I'll be 46 in a couple of weeks But haven't gone through menopause yet. My husband isn't from India, so I can't give you advice there, but he is younger. For now he says he doesn't want children, but I'm afraid that will change in the next five to ten years when I'll for sure have gone through menopause. So, I'd kind of like to try to have one now before it's too late.

[doodlebugg 10]

I am 43 years old and although I don't have a USC/desi marriage, the Egyptian mindset is similar in terms of having children. My husband knew the odds with me and feels it is up to God whether or not we have a child. I did have my tubes tied about 11 years ago but got them untied a week after my husband arrived in the US.

We tried for 3 months (i know not too long..) and then I went to an infertility specialist and because of my age I am covered by my insurance for infertility treatments. I took chlomid for one month and OMG never again. My body took a beating because of that stupid drug and so we agreed from now on leave it up to God. If we're blessed with a baby then so be it and if not it was not meant to be.

I know it's stressful thinking of all of the what if's but in the end you have to trust your husband's love for you and rely on that love's strength to help you shoo the doubts away. Good luck!

[trinket 30]

I have seen couples in my neighbourhood back in India who never had child and it was ALLRIGHT. Sure once in a while they would hear some remarks about how child makes the life fulfilling and all those blah blah but I have seen them sticking to each other.

With desi mindset, yes there are a lot of couples or especially men who go on to find a new wife or try to find a surrogate who can fulfill their (more like their family's) wish.

Not wanting to get personal, but what is your mother in law's take on this subject? I think that will be the most essential thing in your relationship. Your husband will be living with you in US, so you don't have to worry about him hearing things from his relatives other than his own mother. He won't be constantly asked about when you guys are having a kid and that will take off a lot of pressure out of this whole issue.

And as others have said, please don't give up hope. I wish you all the luck

[Imua 0]

I have seen couples in my neighbourhood back in India who never had child and it was ALLRIGHT. Sure once in a while they would hear some remarks about how child makes the life fulfilling and all those blah blah but I have seen them sticking to each other.

With desi mindset, yes there are a lot of couples or especially men who go on to find a new wife or try to find a surrogate who can fulfill their (more like their family's) wish.

Not wanting to get personal, but what is your mother in law's take on this subject? I think that will be the most essential thing in your relationship. Your husband will be living with you in US, so you don't have to worry about him hearing things from his relatives other than his own mother. He won't be constantly asked about when you guys are having a kid and that will take off a lot of pressure out of this whole issue.

And as others have said, please don't give up hope. I wish you all the luck

My MIL and I have trouble communicating beyond the basics because she speaks NO English and my Nepali is limited - so frustrating - now that my sight is good again I will start studying more Nepali(NY resolution LOL) so we can talk more. Govi says that she is happy with whatever happens, if we are able to adopt or have our own child or even if we have no children. She has always been very loving and supportive of our relationship and even cried when I left Nepal last time and knowing my age I am sure she knows that it is very unlikely that we will be able to have kids naturally.

It is good to see that you know of some couples who have no kids and both are alright with it. If we cannot have kids and even if we can we want to get some little mitthu/tota, they are as smart as toddlers, live as long as some people and can learn to talk so it is like having kids who never grow up...

[ELW 5]

With supportive in-laws in Nepal, I say you are good to go. Enjoy life and don't worry; go with the flow!

[JelloShotGirl 0]

Don't give up hope even before you start trying! My mom gave birth to my brother and she was over 40 (the doctor said she couldnt have kids anymore LOL!)

[DanielParul 50]

Not having a child is certainly not the end of it all. I say that because I have thyroid problem and my doctor in India had long ago told me if I want kids I will need to try asap (mind you, I was not even married then, haha!) and Daniel and I were always open to adoption because he did not want me to go through fertility treatments at all (painful, messes you up, stressfull for the relationship etc). I am 32 and he is 26 (not really bad) but I was already thinking its never going to happen. But it did without us trying or planning for it. We still want to adopt a girl maybe in a few yrs. There is always hope and always a way.