who said "i love you" first?

[Amby 490]

Poll inspired this...

If I have a daughter one day, among the many things I'll teach her will be how to tie her shoes, to look both ways before crossing the street, to never end a sentence with a preposition, and to always let the man say "I love you" first.

I'll give her plenty of other relationship tips, too, like how it's perfectly okay to ask a guy out, to make the first move, to even propose, but when it comes to the "L" word, the ball's in the guy's court.

This issue can cause a bit of commotion. "What is this, the Victorian era?" wrote one person, "if you truly love someone, tell them. Otherwise you're just playing outdated coquettish games." Another put it more diplomatically: "I don't think I've ever said 'I love you' first, but someone has to do it. It's okay to take a few risks."

I appreciate both arguments and understand the sentiments behind them, but at the risk of having my feminist card revoked, I think it's naïve for a woman to utter those three little words before a man does.

Unlike asking a man out, making a move on him, or even proposing, there's no action-based response to the first "I love you." It's all words, it's all emotion. In that moment, he either loves you back or he doesn't -- you only hear the black or white of a 'yes' or 'no,' not the gray of "Well, I like you a whole lot and I could see myself falling in love with you, but I'm just not quite there yet."

And the truth is, it often takes men longer to get there than it does for women. Men process their emotions more slowly, they're usually more cautious about taking their feelings and relationships to the next level.

So what happens if you get there first and you say it and he's not there yet? What happens when your "I love you" is met with a "thank you," or worse, a deer-in-headlights look? Well, it stings, sure, but more than that, it can stop a perfectly happy and healthy relationship in its tracks before it's even too far from the station.

If a woman asks a man out and he says 'no,' at least she knows where she stands with him and she doesn't waste any time pining over someone who isn't interested. Same thing goes if she makes a move on him and she's rejected.

If she's in a serious relationship -- one where the expression of love has been made clearly by both partners -- and she's eager to make a deeper commitment, there's nothing wrong with proposing. At the very least, it'll start a conversation of where the relationship is headed so the woman can decide for herself if and how long she's willing to wait if the man isn't interested in getting married yet.

But an "I love you" uttered too soon, before the man has processed his feelings and reached the same level of adoration could end a relationship that just as easily could have had an eternal shelf life. As soon as those words are said, they change the dynamic. If a man isn't feeling the love quite yet, he may suddenly feel pressure to manifest that emotion. And if the woman doesn't get the response she expected, it could damage her confidence enough to derail the whole relationship entirely.

I guess my advice to my future daughter would be this: "If you love a man and want to have a long relationship with him, give him time to get there. If you think you've given him enough time and you're ready to move on if he doesn't feel the same way for you, then go ahead and tell him you love him. But only say those words if you're prepared to let him go."

Then I'd teach her how to make my famous chili and do a one-handed cartwheel.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/12....you/index.html

[Nessa 23]

he said it. i have never said i love you first.

[Laura+Tom 2]

Woman

No I don't agree - I'm female

I said it first and I'm glad I did.

[jundp 191]

I honestly don't remember. We may have said it at the same time.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I thought she said it first, but I later found out she was asking me if I like olive juice. What a strange question.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

i dont remember

[SunDrop 59]

I sort of said it first. We were in IM and signing off, and in a moment of complete 'overwhelmedness' I said "Hey, just wanted to say" sent it and then went "Nevermind, chickened out." He emoted *smiles* and said "I know.. me too." I smiled back and we said goodnight.

He later told me that he had wanted to say it a couple of days earlier, but was worried that I'd think it was all too fast and unrealistic. So, whilst my conventional wisdom says not to say it first, where my soulmate experience goes I am very glad I didn't stick to convention

[one...two...tree 2,762]

i dont remember

unsentimental git

[Nourddine4Ever 0]

He said it first! Meet in May and he told me I was his soulmate and said he loved me in October! Now its like we have known each other our whole lives! We are undoubtedly soulmates!

[vol_gal74 0]

He said it first. And he was drunk when he said it, so he forgot he said it first!

[Dr. Obvious 49]

I really have no idea. Probably my husband.

[JVKn'CVO 11]

He said it first. weird thing, I was not ready to say it back...He caught me off guard!

I did say it two days later though

Saludos,

caro

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

i dont remember

unsentimental git

aww shut up ya fagel

[Mary Lou 682]

Gary said it first.

[Mag 0]

He said it first.