If you had known then what you know now??

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I almost hate to post this, but my husband's been here since May 2008, he hasn't had any serious problems adjusting, nor been really homesick. He's done almost everything on his own - from getting his Social Security Card and state ID to finding a job and punctually navigating on public transportation, improving his English - with minimal assistance. He thinks we work too hard and take friendships too much for granted, wishes he had Moroccan buds to hang out at the coffee shop with, even puts up with my evil and cruel older sister with dignity and grace; he just moves from day to day with few complaints.

He's got housework, laundry, and grocery shopping down pat, doesn't drive and doesn't care much about that, has his own bank accounts and manages money well. My friends and family all love him, and he loves them. Other than being cranky without enough sleep and a cup of coffee in the morning, his sweet, thoughtful, easy-going, laid-back, accomodating, go with the flow attitude has made him a breeze to live with. But, we don't have the language, cultural and religious gulfs to close, and that probably has a lot to do with our happiness and lack of drama. We're a great match! I'm truly blessed.

Sorry

VW, I feel the same way you do. Your husband and mine seem to have a lot of the same qualities. Hachemi was very pro active with improving his English before he came. His English was much improved when he got here, and I think that helped a lot, except for understanding our southern slang. He comes home often asking what slang that he heard means. Then starts using the words sometimes for fun. He continued to study the English language even after he got here, on his own. He bought books, downloaded English programs. He made an effort to talk with people. He is not shy at all. He says talking to people helps him learn even if he makes mistakes. He was never homesick, although he misses his mother. We have only sent money to his family once, because we wanted them to get Internet. His family is ok financially and he has brothers that are doctors and help out the family a lot. One of the brothers bought a computer for the family. So last weekend Hachemi was online with the family for the first time for 2 hours. Our biggest arguments was when I was trying to teach him to drive. He scared me so bad sometimes I thought I was going to die, lol. Now he is an great driver and has his own truck. Sometimes he is a little quick tempered, but gets over it very fast and is the first one to hug and kiss and say"I'm sorry". He is super affectionate and I am told many times a day that I am loved. He is very mature for his age (35). He was hired the first interview he had for a full time position. He stopped working to go to school full time. He has a 4.0 GPA after 3 semesters. He got his 2nd job, all on his own. It is just a part time job, but works well around his classes. He is a hard worker and very trustworthy. He has never missed a day of work and when he gets his little paycheck he gives me 3/4ths of it to pay bills for the house. I tell him to keep it and he says no, to put it in the bank. I am terrible with money and he the one that saves. I am getting better with his help.

I too feel very blessed and I would definitely do it again. To think I almost did not answer his first email from the language exchange site. What a wonderful man I would have let slip through my fingers. It scares me to even think about it. lol

Meriem

I'm happy for you, too! It's a lot like heaven, isn't it, hon?

[Meriem_DZ 37]

I almost hate to post this, but my husband's been here since May 2008, he hasn't had any serious problems adjusting, nor been really homesick. He's done almost everything on his own - from getting his Social Security Card and state ID to finding a job and punctually navigating on public transportation, improving his English - with minimal assistance. He thinks we work too hard and take friendships too much for granted, wishes he had Moroccan buds to hang out at the coffee shop with, even puts up with my evil and cruel older sister with dignity and grace; he just moves from day to day with few complaints.

He's got housework, laundry, and grocery shopping down pat, doesn't drive and doesn't care much about that, has his own bank accounts and manages money well. My friends and family all love him, and he loves them. Other than being cranky without enough sleep and a cup of coffee in the morning, his sweet, thoughtful, easy-going, laid-back, accomodating, go with the flow attitude has made him a breeze to live with. But, we don't have the language, cultural and religious gulfs to close, and that probably has a lot to do with our happiness and lack of drama. We're a great match! I'm truly blessed.

Sorry

VW, I feel the same way you do. Your husband and mine seem to have a lot of the same qualities. Hachemi was very pro active with improving his English before he came. His English was much improved when he got here, and I think that helped a lot, except for understanding our southern slang. He comes home often asking what slang that he heard means. Then starts using the words sometimes for fun. He continued to study the English language even after he got here, on his own. He bought books, downloaded English programs. He made an effort to talk with people. He is not shy at all. He says talking to people helps him learn even if he makes mistakes. He was never homesick, although he misses his mother. We have only sent money to his family once, because we wanted them to get Internet. His family is ok financially and he has brothers that are doctors and help out the family a lot. One of the brothers bought a computer for the family. So last weekend Hachemi was online with the family for the first time for 2 hours. Our biggest arguments was when I was trying to teach him to drive. He scared me so bad sometimes I thought I was going to die, lol. Now he is an great driver and has his own truck. Sometimes he is a little quick tempered, but gets over it very fast and is the first one to hug and kiss and say"I'm sorry". He is super affectionate and I am told many times a day that I am loved. He is very mature for his age (35). He was hired the first interview he had for a full time position. He stopped working to go to school full time. He has a 4.0 GPA after 3 semesters. He got his 2nd job, all on his own. It is just a part time job, but works well around his classes. He is a hard worker and very trustworthy. He has never missed a day of work and when he gets his little paycheck he gives me 3/4ths of it to pay bills for the house. I tell him to keep it and he says no, to put it in the bank. I am terrible with money and he the one that saves. I am getting better with his help.

I too feel very blessed and I would definitely do it again. To think I almost did not answer his first email from the language exchange site. What a wonderful man I would have let slip through my fingers. It scares me to even think about it. lol

Meriem

I'm happy for you, too! It's a lot like heaven, isn't it, hon?

It sure is, Sister!!!

Meriem

[Henna Rose 0]

Congrats for the happy endings !! For those that are struggling, I hope things work for the best. That does not necessarily mean the outcome we anticipate, as I have learned I would never go thru this again with anyone else. I would not invest the love, time or $$$ for such an uncertainty. That does not mean I regret my decision, especially since our future together was not meant to be realized.

I know how much love I felt (and still do) for my husband, what we endured and the sacrifices that were made. I was prepared to do anything necessary to be with him. I am a different person from this experience, from knowing my husband and loving him If a couple can survive one visa journey in a lifetime, endure marriage and be happy together, they are blessed for sure

[sereia 0]

[Nothing1234 2]

I love amazing love stories! I'm so happy for you guys!

I think my husband is blessed to have me Does that count too? J/K HEHE

[Aymsgirl 0]

I wil say that for my husband I would do it again. But to do it again for another man in my life no. I would put my tail between my legs and run so fast away from the mess. I had a friend that came to America from India and he tried to convince me the long emotional roller coaster I would be on for years. There is so much to consider in a relationship like this. How will the man treat my children? I mean seriously, a lot of the people do not know there spouse very well when they bring them here and if you have other children in the home will he treat them the right way? Thank God, my situation was different with my two kids from my first marriage. It was a rough road to go at first with my hyper son but my husband has a special bond with both of my kids. He is now able to correct him but always always explains to him and my daughter when it is done why he got onto them and praises them when they do good. It's not his job to do this but he wants to see them good.

As far as money goes, if you dont have extra cash, don't do it. There are so many expenses and my husband has tried to pay for what he could but let's face it....their money blows when it compares to ours. I thank God I have a great job but we aren't rich. We still struggle and with the costs of unexpected medicals and an amount for this paper and that paper and travel expenses it has broke our bank for a while. Plus, it's not always easy for them to land that great job. My husband applied for hundreds of jobs. Doing anything....he only landed temporary jobs and then found himself laid off. So, when he returns in the spring we are back on the prowl again.

I have to add that I am a very lucky woman in lots of ways. My husband is Muslim and he follows his religion but he isn't overly obsessed with it like I've heard lots of women on here talk about. He has adapted mainly to the ways of the west and incorporated that into his religion. He doesn't use it to control me or make me feel inadequate. I love this about him and this way that he has made me love the religion.

I also think it being a second marriage and previously parents to children helped us. We already knew what it took to work and make a home. That you can't sit on your butt and let one person be responsible for everything. My husband ran his own law practice, owned his own building, had renters, paid for a family before. He knows what this feels like and knows what the word responsibility means. I appreciate this...would I have loved to have been the first and only woman in his life, you sure bet! But then there wouldn't be the Brady Bunch that we have and love so much!!!

Best wishes to anybody going through this process. It takes a lot out of you and don't put the rose colored glasses on when they come. That is when the hard work actually starts and your real life begins. If this is what you want go for it. I hope that you find the love of your life that in 50 years your heart still skips a beat when he walks into the room. If you aren't up for the wait, the money, the patience, the never ending questions and the retraining of how the other person lives their daily life then run now. Best wishes and God bless!!

***Also, Annie, your hubby is lucky to have you and mine is lucky to have me!!!! LOL

[nunyab 0]

update: over three weeks now and my husband is my dream mashallah... he is starting english is very excited to have navigated the bus route and has been nothing but helpful at home while i am at work. We are both of the same religion and both understand eachother when we are upset it is best to lay low for a couple of hours then talking is better. Than again it's only three weeks but no big adjustments yet. When we hang out with friends their muslim friends and when we want to spend time with eachother we are honest with that as well. The kids are warming up to him and he's not pushing it either which i adore.

So far I can only think I would;ve done differently so far was show him how the appliances work before he tried helping the dishwasher barely survived

[ya falaha! 0]

Haha! I'm with you. I think my husband struck gold with my perfect azz.

That's gonna be a big j/k right there.

I love amazing love stories! I'm so happy for you guys!

I think my husband is blessed to have me Does that count too? J/K HEHE

[caybee 21]

update: over three weeks now and my husband is my dream mashallah... he is starting english is very excited to have navigated the bus route and has been nothing but helpful at home while i am at work. We are both of the same religion and both understand eachother when we are upset it is best to lay low for a couple of hours then talking is better. Than again it's only three weeks but no big adjustments yet. When we hang out with friends their muslim friends and when we want to spend time with eachother we are honest with that as well. The kids are warming up to him and he's not pushing it either which i adore.

So far I can only think I would;ve done differently so far was show him how the appliances work before he tried helping the dishwasher barely survived

First thing I told my husband about the dishwasher was to not, under any circumstances, put regular dishwashing liquid in it. I did that once and ended up with literally two-foot-high suds over the entire kitchen floor. I was sweeping bubbles out the back door for an hour, and it took forever to get that stuff out of the machine so it would run normally again without spitting bubbles out the front. We've been pretty lucky though. We did have a metal-in-the-microwave light show once, but that's as bad as it got.

ETA: So glad the first solo bus trip was successful and that you're having such a happy new life together!

Edited February 13, 2009 by caybee

[nunyab 0]

update: over three weeks now and my husband is my dream mashallah... he is starting english is very excited to have navigated the bus route and has been nothing but helpful at home while i am at work. We are both of the same religion and both understand eachother when we are upset it is best to lay low for a couple of hours then talking is better. Than again it's only three weeks but no big adjustments yet. When we hang out with friends their muslim friends and when we want to spend time with eachother we are honest with that as well. The kids are warming up to him and he's not pushing it either which i adore.

So far I can only think I would;ve done differently so far was show him how the appliances work before he tried helping the dishwasher barely survived

First thing I told my husband about the dishwasher was to not, under any circumstances, put regular dishwashing liquid in it. I did that once and ended up with literally two-foot-high suds over the entire kitchen floor. I was sweeping bubbles out the back door for an hour, and it took forever to get that stuff out of the machine so it would run normally again without spitting bubbles out the front. We've been pretty lucky though. We did have a metal-in-the-microwave light show once, but that's as bad as it got.

ETA: So glad the first solo bus trip was successful and that you're having such a happy new life together!

yes he made it safe and sound Alhadolilah but he said he only put "a little" dish soap in the diswasher machine and more of the dishwasher machine soap in... lol. But it's all good I think it was adorable he was trying to help.

[Aymsgirl 0]

update: over three weeks now and my husband is my dream mashallah... he is starting english is very excited to have navigated the bus route and has been nothing but helpful at home while i am at work. We are both of the same religion and both understand eachother when we are upset it is best to lay low for a couple of hours then talking is better. Than again it's only three weeks but no big adjustments yet. When we hang out with friends their muslim friends and when we want to spend time with eachother we are honest with that as well. The kids are warming up to him and he's not pushing it either which i adore.

So far I can only think I would;ve done differently so far was show him how the appliances work before he tried helping the dishwasher barely survived

First thing I told my husband about the dishwasher was to not, under any circumstances, put regular dishwashing liquid in it. I did that once and ended up with literally two-foot-high suds over the entire kitchen floor. I was sweeping bubbles out the back door for an hour, and it took forever to get that stuff out of the machine so it would run normally again without spitting bubbles out the front. We've been pretty lucky though. We did have a metal-in-the-microwave light show once, but that's as bad as it got.

ETA: So glad the first solo bus trip was successful and that you're having such a happy new life together!

yes he made it safe and sound Alhadolilah but he said he only put "a little" dish soap in the diswasher machine and more of the dishwasher machine soap in... lol. But it's all good I think it was adorable he was trying to help.

That is funny about the dishwasher. The first day I went back to work I got a call that my microwave just blew up. He put aluminum foil in it. Also, the vaccuum cleaner was an experience that I had shared before with sucking the crumbs off of blankets and walking in on him while he had the whole thing on top of the couch. So many memories!!!!

[honeyblonde 0]

Your stories are hilarious! (well, the good ones anyway, I'm so sorry for the sad ones that it had to end that way).

Abdel's little sister just got to Canada in January and it is hilarious to hear him helping her adjust. One night she called because she wanted to cook but didn't know if she should remove the black covers her husband had over the burners on the stove. It took Abdel and I about 10 minutes to make sure they were decorative covers and tell her that yes they needed to be removed.

I think helping her adjust is really good for him because it makes him feel like the big brother who has been through something helping the younger sibling go through it, and somehow that is helping him feel so much more confident in his own adjustment and realize how far he's come.

Also, for any of you with family in Canada, I just found out a week or two ago that AT&T has a package now that gives unlimited long-distance to Canada for $5 a month. That's been a real lifesaver for us now that his sister is there. He's very protective of her and likes to check in on her in the evening while her husband is at work to make sure she's ok. She's already had one incident where the fumes from the heat built up in the apartment and she almost blacked out before she got help. Apparently in the building where they live the heat is controlled centraly and isn't very well vented. Now if he calls and she doesn't answer the phone I have to calm him down by telling him that it is probably her husbands night off and they are out.

I'm finding out from watching how he helps her adjust just what areas I might have done better in helping him adjust. It seems no matter how hard you try, there are just going to be things you're not going to think of.

[doodlebugg 10]

Your stories are hilarious! (well, the good ones anyway, I'm so sorry for the sad ones that it had to end that way).

Abdel's little sister just got to Canada in January and it is hilarious to hear him helping her adjust. One night she called because she wanted to cook but didn't know if she should remove the black covers her husband had over the burners on the stove. It took Abdel and I about 10 minutes to make sure they were decorative covers and tell her that yes they needed to be removed.

I think helping her adjust is really good for him because it makes him feel like the big brother who has been through something helping the younger sibling go through it, and somehow that is helping him feel so much more confident in his own adjustment and realize how far he's come.

Also, for any of you with family in Canada, I just found out a week or two ago that AT&T has a package now that gives unlimited long-distance to Canada for $5 a month. That's been a real lifesaver for us now that his sister is there. He's very protective of her and likes to check in on her in the evening while her husband is at work to make sure she's ok. She's already had one incident where the fumes from the heat built up in the apartment and she almost blacked out before she got help. Apparently in the building where they live the heat is controlled centraly and isn't very well vented. Now if he calls and she doesn't answer the phone I have to calm him down by telling him that it is probably her husbands night off and they are out.

I'm finding out from watching how he helps her adjust just what areas I might have done better in helping him adjust. It seems no matter how hard you try, there are just going to be things you're not going to think of.

Our landline is Verizon through the FIOS thing and Canada calls are included at no additional cost. I bet you could do the same thing with Vonage or magic jack.

[allousa 1]

Haha! I'm with you. I think my husband struck gold with my perfect azz.

That's gonna be a big j/k right there.

I love amazing love stories! I'm so happy for you guys!

I think my husband is blessed to have me Does that count too? J/K HEHE

Ab...safreakin...loutely!!!!!! They ARE lucky to have us!!!!!

[childress_london 3]

update: over three weeks now and my husband is my dream mashallah... he is starting english is very excited to have navigated the bus route and has been nothing but helpful at home while i am at work. We are both of the same religion and both understand eachother when we are upset it is best to lay low for a couple of hours then talking is better. Than again it's only three weeks but no big adjustments yet. When we hang out with friends their muslim friends and when we want to spend time with eachother we are honest with that as well. The kids are warming up to him and he's not pushing it either which i adore.

So far I can only think I would;ve done differently so far was show him how the appliances work before he tried helping the dishwasher barely survived

First thing I told my husband about the dishwasher was to not, under any circumstances, put regular dishwashing liquid in it. I did that once and ended up with literally two-foot-high suds over the entire kitchen floor. I was sweeping bubbles out the back door for an hour, and it took forever to get that stuff out of the machine so it would run normally again without spitting bubbles out the front. We've been pretty lucky though. We did have a metal-in-the-microwave light show once, but that's as bad as it got.

ETA: So glad the first solo bus trip was successful and that you're having such a happy new life together!

This reminds me of one time when my dishwasher was leaking. I called the apartment office and they sent over the maintenance man to fix it. When I get home from work, I find a note from the maintenance man instructing me NOT to put dishwashing liquid into the dishwasher! LOL. I have never done that before and never even thought about it. I was so insulted. ha ha...but my husband didn't know he should even put soap in it at all. I went to visit him once (he's in Canada) and he started up the dishwasher and I was like...aren't you going to put soap in it? And said "what??? I'm supposed to put soap in it?" LOL.