If you had known then what you know now??

[caybee 21]

We've had our difficult patches and will probably have more, as any couple does, but knowing my husband as I know him now, I would go through the process again with him in a heartbeat. I feel confident we made the right decision, and the good times far outweigh the rough ones.

However, if something ever were to happen with us, heaven forbid, I wouldn't consider going down this road with anyone else (MENA or otherwise), nor would I recommend it to anyone I care about. If they were completely sure of their decision, I would support them, but if they were on the fence in any way, I'd keep my mouth shut, and I certainly wouldn't give them the "Go for it - love is all you need" pep talk, because it's not.

[amal 4]

HEY GIRL! GOOD TO SEE YA AROUND!!!!!

I didn't read the whole thread yet, but in response to what Moody said, it is really slow for some of them to adjust, and a lot of it has to do with a huge mix of their expectations, their previous travel experience, work experience, driving experience, etc.

Abdel has been here over 3 years now and I would say that in the past 6 months many of the huge clouds have started to lift. Some of the more recent developments are:

- He is finally getting a good grasp of the bills and money and the budget. *slowly mine has been grasping this but it's not a full fisted grasp. He knows they're there and that our money situation isn't the best in the world. He has a little ways to go though*

as finally admitted there is a cost of living difference (that one took forever!)*Mine knows there's a cost of living difference but thinks it's because my living costs too much so that's why we don't have any money saved up*

- He finally admits that culture shock is a real experience for immigrants to and from anywhere, and that he did suffer from it. *we've dealt with this and overcome it as well*

- He has started pulling out his wallet in restaurants instead of letting me pick up the tab (we have a joint account, so it was both our money anyway, but now he grasps the expectation in general that the man pays the bill.) The down side of that is that he tips $15 no matter how much the tab and when I tell him that is 50% sometimes, he says "If I made my day, why shouldn't I help someone else make theirs?" How on earth do I argue with that? I'm generous too, but that's a little overboard to me. *LOL mine has learned to pay too but doesn't have the same issue as yours with the tip lol. He always asks me how much we should leave*

- He has finally agreed to get an annual physical exam. That one took a few people around us dying of cancer and his older sister finding out she is diabetic before he relented. He thought all doctors here were just out to get all of his money. *Mine still won't get annually checked because he "knows" that hospitals are just there as a business and don't really care about you...they just want money*

- He finally has grasped that sometimes we have to use credit no matter how much we hate it. *yup*

I could go on forever probably, but what I'm trying to say is that they do get better. They are learning a whole new life and for many of them they are also learning so many skills they never had. It does take the patience of god and sometimes even that doesn't seem to be enough. I wonder how I made it through the past 3 years without biting off the tip of my tongue but one thing that must not be said, no matter how difficult it is, is "I told you so."*That is soooooooo true... "i told u so's" are bad bad bad*

There's an old saying that "It's always darkest before the dawn" and in these relationships, that is often true. Just when you think they aren't going to ever "get" something, they have a sudden breakthrough and it's like they've always known it. *Yup, once it's "gotten" then everyone else in the world is wrong and he's been doing it the "right way" forever...ugg* lol

Honestly though, I don't think I'd do it again if something happened between us. Then again, who knows.

good post!

[amal 4]

We've had our difficult patches and will probably have more, as any couple does, but knowing my husband as I know him now, I would go through the process again with him in a heartbeat. I feel confident we made the right decision, and the good times far outweigh the rough ones.

However, if something ever were to happen with us, heaven forbid, I wouldn't consider going down this road with anyone else (MENA or otherwise), nor would I recommend it to anyone I care about. If they were completely sure of their decision, I would support them, but if they were on the fence in any way, I'd keep my mouth shut, and I certainly wouldn't give them the "Go for it - love is all you need" pep talk, because it's not.

amdn to that sistah

[Ban Hammer 13,340]

yay honeyblonde is here!

[amal 4]

We've had our difficult patches and will probably have more, as any couple does, but knowing my husband as I know him now, I would go through the process again with him in a heartbeat. I feel confident we made the right decision, and the good times far outweigh the rough ones.

However, if something ever were to happen with us, heaven forbid, I wouldn't consider going down this road with anyone else (MENA or otherwise), nor would I recommend it to anyone I care about. If they were completely sure of their decision, I would support them, but if they were on the fence in any way, I'd keep my mouth shut, and I certainly wouldn't give them the "Go for it - love is all you need" pep talk, because it's not.

amen to that sistah

*edited to correctly spell the "amen"* I'mma dork lol

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I didn't read the whole thread yet, but in response to what Moody said, it is really slow for some of them to adjust, and a lot of it has to do with a huge mix of their expectations, their previous travel experience, work experience, driving experience, etc.

Abdel has been here over 3 years now and I would say that in the past 6 months many of the huge clouds have started to lift. Some of the more recent developments are:

- He is finally getting a good grasp of the bills and money and the budget.

- He actually washed his car and detailed it for the first time - after it was paid off. To me this showed pride in ownership - something really new for him since he came from an extremely poor family and had absolutely nothing to call his own.

- He's finally talking to his family more and I actually heard him tell his little sister who just moved to Canada to be with her husband "Don't call home so much, you'll get addicted to it. Find things to do there to help you adjust." I found this ironic since he wouldn't call home hardly at all his first couple of years. He felt like he was disappointing them by not sending home as much money as he wanted to then.

- He has finally found an amount to send home that has a cap. Before he could send as much as he wanted, there was no cap. It was just never enough.

- He has finally admitted there is a cost of living difference (that one took forever!)

- He finally admits that culture shock is a real experience for immigrants to and from anywhere, and that he did suffer from it.

- He has started pulling out his wallet in restaurants instead of letting me pick up the tab (we have a joint account, so it was both our money anyway, but now he grasps the expectation in general that the man pays the bill.) The down side of that is that he tips $15 no matter how much the tab and when I tell him that is 50% sometimes, he says "If I made my day, why shouldn't I help someone else make theirs?" How on earth do I argue with that? I'm generous too, but that's a little overboard to me.

- He has finally agreed to get an annual physical exam. That one took a few people around us dying of cancer and his older sister finding out she is diabetic before he relented. He thought all doctors here were just out to get all of his money.

- He finally has grasped that sometimes we have to use credit no matter how much we hate it.

- I can ride with him and not dig holes in his seats with my nails, or gasp.

I could go on forever probably, but what I'm trying to say is that they do get better. They are learning a whole new life and for many of them they are also learning so many skills they never had. It does take the patience of god and sometimes even that doesn't seem to be enough. I wonder how I made it through the past 3 years without biting off the tip of my tongue but one thing that must not be said, no matter how difficult it is, is "I told you so."

There's an old saying that "It's always darkest before the dawn" and in these relationships, that is often true. Just when you think they aren't going to ever "get" something, they have a sudden breakthrough and it's like they've always known it.

Honestly though, I don't think I'd do it again if something happened between us. Then again, who knows.

My answers are so heartwrenching, I cannot even post them. I would advise anyone marrying someone from overseas to make sure he has his drivers license before getting here, to be fully aware that they won't start out on the top of th heap, I would make sure they truly understood just how long our work days are, how money does not grow on trees and to try as hard as they could to learn as much as they could before they came here.. including English classes and doing alot of research on American culture.

As far as some of these other threads

I wanna put in my two cents.... Alot more of us get screwed over than the guys coming here so while its tempting to crucify the girl on the flip side thread, the majority of these wives are supporting, paying the bills and working like hell to make things work in both their marriages and in this economy. The majority of us here on MENA have busted our asses to do right by our spouses. I am still with mine and still trying.. I just don't reach out and talk about things that bother and hurt me anymore on here because I made the choice to stay with him after he put me through hell.. You cannot ask for advice if you do not want to hear it IMHO

As far as This person on the other thread... I am sure there are 2 sides, even if she is a psycho ######. He very well may be using her and this is her way at getting back at him cause she is pissed and has caught onto him. Does not make it right.... but so few of us are doing what she is doing.... there's got to be one or two of us who becomes like that woman Kathy Bates in Misery. My guess is she was a psycho from get go and still is. He knew it all along and hung in there for the greencard and kept all his girls on the side and online. Shes onto it and knows he s miserable and chatting. She is somehow thinking by torturing him shes recouping her losses. He is probably living a sucky life but so is she and even if she is a ######, its hard to live through someone just staying with you for papers and her being sick in her head is probably making it worse on her cause she knows shes nuts and then he is telling everyone she is nuts and she knows he wants out and so does everyone else.. Thats gotta be hell on the ego... so she does more wacky ###### and then it escalates..

Just my opinion

Love you guys

Edited February 11, 2009 by Hanging in there

[MrsAmera 41]

To be completely honest I think it takes a few years for them to really grow, learn and understand and accept life here. It wouldn't matter if I told my husband every single day what life was like her before he came, becuase he didn't get it until he was here. I think it's important to talk about it, but they'll never be fully prepared. The first year my husband was here was ridiculously hard and I thought about giving up sooooo many times, but we worked through it and I'm really glad we did because I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

[ya falaha! 0]

Another thing I lurve...the stories many of them have been hearing for years. So and so made it big here or there. What they don't get is while maybe so and so made it big, so and so has been here for 20 yrs and came 20 yrs ago when things were different. Another thing that I've experienced is that no matter how many times my husband tries and fails listening to these GD stories he doesn't stop trying. The boy is tenacious I'll give him that.

[amal 4]

Another thing I lurve...the stories many of them have been hearing for years. So and so made it big here or there. What they don't get is while maybe so and so made it big, so and so has been here for 20 yrs and came 20 yrs ago when things were different. Another thing that I've experienced is that no matter how many times my husband tries and fails listening to these GD stories he doesn't stop trying. The boy is tenacious I'll give him that.

Ohh man..I soooooo heard about so-and-so who made it big when they came over here single and with no family to support and how he should be making it big too but because of the way "I" spend money we aren't saving...etc etc etc. This is something that has slowly decreased the longer he's been here and he even mentioned getting a "real" job if his business keeps on like it's been. He keeps plugging along though...Kudos to him for being strong willed.

It sounds a lot worse than it really is but trust me, I don't let him say mean things and get away with it. I tell him how it is and let him know when what he says is not ok. It's the only way both of us can learn.

[sara535 15]

To be completely honest I think it takes a few years for them to really grow, learn and understand and accept life here. It wouldn't matter if I told my husband every single day what life was like her before he came, becuase he didn't get it until he was here. I think it's important to talk about it, but they'll never be fully prepared. The first year my husband was here was ridiculously hard and I thought about giving up sooooo many times, but we worked through it and I'm really glad we did because I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I totally agree, my husband has been here 4 and a half years now and its STILL an adjustment process. and I was brutally honest before he got here about the downside. he didnt want to hear it, didnt want to beleive it. he wanted to beleive the ####### stories we've all heard about so and so making so much money. I figure at this point, if I made it through those first couple of years I can make it through anything !

[amal 4]

To be completely honest I think it takes a few years for them to really grow, learn and understand and accept life here. It wouldn't matter if I told my husband every single day what life was like her before he came, becuase he didn't get it until he was here. I think it's important to talk about it, but they'll never be fully prepared. The first year my husband was here was ridiculously hard and I thought about giving up sooooo many times, but we worked through it and I'm really glad we did because I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I totally agree, my husband has been here 4 and a half years now and its STILL an adjustment process. and I was brutally honest before he got here about the downside. he didnt want to hear it, didnt want to beleive it. he wanted to beleive the ####### stories we've all heard about so and so making so much money. I figure at this point, if I made it through those first couple of years I can make it through anything !

u set yerself up for this so plz forgive me BUT there had to be a couple days in the last 4 years that u liked each otha a little bit since u did get along long enough to make the princess *snicker*

[sara535 15]

To be completely honest I think it takes a few years for them to really grow, learn and understand and accept life here. It wouldn't matter if I told my husband every single day what life was like her before he came, becuase he didn't get it until he was here. I think it's important to talk about it, but they'll never be fully prepared. The first year my husband was here was ridiculously hard and I thought about giving up sooooo many times, but we worked through it and I'm really glad we did because I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I totally agree, my husband has been here 4 and a half years now and its STILL an adjustment process. and I was brutally honest before he got here about the downside. he didnt want to hear it, didnt want to beleive it. he wanted to beleive the ####### stories we've all heard about so and so making so much money. I figure at this point, if I made it through those first couple of years I can make it through anything !

u set yerself up for this so plz forgive me BUT there had to be a couple days in the last 4 years that u liked each otha a little bit since u did get along long enough to make the princess *snicker*

oh we like each other every day ...... Just reiterating that adjusting can be difficult !

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I almost hate to post this, but my husband's been here since May 2008, he hasn't had any serious problems adjusting, nor been really homesick. He's done almost everything on his own - from getting his Social Security Card and state ID to finding a job and punctually navigating on public transportation, improving his English - with minimal assistance. He thinks we work too hard and take friendships too much for granted, wishes he had Moroccan buds to hang out at the coffee shop with, even puts up with my evil and cruel older sister with dignity and grace; he just moves from day to day with few complaints.

He's got housework, laundry, and grocery shopping down pat, doesn't drive and doesn't care much about that, has his own bank accounts and manages money well. My friends and family all love him, and he loves them. Other than being cranky without enough sleep and a cup of coffee in the morning, his sweet, thoughtful, easy-going, laid-back, accomodating, go with the flow attitude has made him a breeze to live with. But, we don't have the language, cultural and religious gulfs to close, and that probably has a lot to do with our happiness and lack of drama. We're a great match! I'm truly blessed.

Sorry

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I almost hate to post this, but my husband's been here since May 2008, he hasn't had any serious problems adjusting, nor been really homesick. He's done almost everything on his own - from getting his Social Security Card and state ID to finding a job and punctually navigating on public transportation, improving his English - with minimal assistance. He thinks we work too hard and take friendships too much for granted, wishes he had Moroccan buds to hang out at the coffee shop with, even puts up with my evil and cruel older sister with dignity and grace; he just moves from day to day with few complaints.

He's got housework, laundry, and grocery shopping down pat, doesn't drive and doesn't care much about that, has his own bank accounts and manages money well. My friends and family all love him, and he loves them. Other than being cranky without enough sleep and a cup of coffee in the morning, his sweet, thoughtful, easy-going, laid-back, accomodating, go with the flow attitude has made him a breeze to live with. But, we don't have the language, cultural and religious gulfs to close, and that probably has a lot to do with our happiness and lack of drama. We're a great match! I'm truly blessed.

Sorry

aww, this is so sweet and i love sucess stories

[amal 4]

I almost hate to post this, but my husband's been here since May 2008, he hasn't had any serious problems adjusting, nor been really homesick. He's done almost everything on his own - from getting his Social Security Card and state ID to finding a job and punctually navigating on public transportation, improving his English - with minimal assistance. He thinks we work too hard and take friendships too much for granted, wishes he had Moroccan buds to hang out at the coffee shop with, even puts up with my evil and cruel older sister with dignity and grace; he just moves from day to day with few complaints.

He's got housework, laundry, and grocery shopping down pat, doesn't drive and doesn't care much about that, has his own bank accounts and manages money well. My friends and family all love him, and he loves them. Other than being cranky without enough sleep and a cup of coffee in the morning, his sweet, thoughtful, easy-going, laid-back, accomodating, go with the flow attitude has made him a breeze to live with. But, we don't have the language, cultural and religious gulfs to close, and that probably has a lot to do with our happiness and lack of drama. We're a great match! I'm truly blessed.

Sorry

Is it wrong to envy you for that? I honestly do love to hear happiness stories from here. It reminds me to hang on, stand my ground, and maybe....just maybe... my story will be one of totall bliss one day too