Family Roles

[one...two...tree 2,762]

"Responsible Child" - "Family Hero"

This is the child who is "9 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people. As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.

The family hero, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed.

"Acting out child" - "Scapegoat"

This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know how - which is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers. These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.

"Placater" - "Mascot" - "Caretaker"

This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families 'social director' and/or clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger. This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) people.

"Adjuster" - "Lost Child"

This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset." These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.

[*JG* 2]

I voted for the acting out/scapgoat only cause there was no better choice.

I was the one who acted out just cause I was a shyt disturber. To this day, I never wanted to be anything but unique.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Oldest

Get along well

I don't know, I've had phases of my life where I've been the responsible one, and those where I've acted out.

Needless to say, I didn't vote.

[almaty 19]

middle...

get along with my brother and sister

the chopf##k of the fmaily..that is, acted out

[chri'stina 190]

Oldest of 2 girls, get along well, responsible child fits best but my sister was responsible too. We never had to act like the parent though. Those descriptions are a bit screwy.

[Ms. Squirrel 11]

I am an only child and was a like a mother to my mother from when I was about 8 years old (that's when she started having cancer).

[Zee Bee 61]

Oldest of 3 girls.

We get along well.

Responsible. That description is off base. I am responsible but not controlling or judgmental. Not the hero either.

[Nessa 23]

oldest of 2

get along

scapegoat

[Amby 490]

oldest

get along

responsible one

[Mags 112]

I'm an only child but don't see myself in any of those descriptions.

[Amby 490]

I am the golden child that can do no wrong...seriously

[Ban Hammer 13,343]

youngest - some - adjuster/lost

[Big Papa Zone 93]

Eldest of 2, can't stand the #######, and none of those.

[Laura+Tom 2]

Oldest

Get along well

Picked responsible one however was hard to pick as I see elements of myself in all of them.

[Scott & Lai 12]

None of those descriptions fit me or my family...