My Marriage is in Trouble

[Wantedtobelieve 4]

I, too, have changed my identity on here because I know some people who read this and I am embarrassed. I am not going to say where my hubby is from, but it is a country where, in my opinion, women are not really respected, as they stay home, do the housework, etc. I will say I am an educated woman who has been married several times before. I am married to a much younger man for more than a year now. (I know, red flag, but I really don't think this is an issue as to love, but maybe an issue as to me being a mother'figure). I have experienced similar problems as some of you.

For one thing, I think maturity is a huge issue as he feels like if I say anything, I am "trying to be his mother." I admit, I am sort of a controlling person, but I have never had trouble getting along with other people before like I have with him. And like others, I am made to feel like I have no right to question his wanting to get drunk, for example. I guess I already went through that phase a million years ago--lol. He screams and pitches a fit when I dare to question him. Yes, I think he is a spoiled little brat, and I wish I could use better words here, but I will keep my profanity to myself...lol

The sad part is, he has me doing the same back at him. I have told him I wished I never married him, he can go back, etc etc. and have been properly ashamed that I would stoop to his level. I have even apologized for saying stupid stuff, which he did also. I have never fought with anyone in my life like this, which totally freaks me out cuz he makes me the b*^# from H#^^. Hope this makes sense.

But, I'm telling you, he sets me up for this. He yells at me about he could find other women, there is nothing wrong with his drinking (He did this before, so I knew he wanted to drink occasionally)., that no wonder I am divorced from my exes. And I say horrible stuff to him back, which is driving me crazy.

He has me blaming myself for all these problems. I know he went through culture shock, but he has a job now, but by golly, I think he is jealous that I am smarter, make more money, and own my own house (isn't that awful to say)? He can't stand that he can't control me. And I told him he will never control me.

I have spent a fortune on and for him, but I honestly don't think it is appreciated. I think if he acts appreciative, he thinks that is being weak (losing that power again). I have explained to him what abuse is and have left some articles off the net for him to read--don't know if he read them or not. At present, we are not speaking, he left the house to go who knows where (he does have some friends/acquaintances). I have kicked him out several times, telling him if he wants to go, go do better (and for this I feel guilty cuz I feel I am being abusive also). He resents that this is my house and he has nowhere to go, but expects to make good money with few skills. All in all, it is a pretty screwed up life. Things were going well/better for a few months, I thought he was getting better adjusted. But he started drinking this week (to me a lot, to him maybe not) and when I expressed concern that he was drinking too much, this brought on a screaming match where we both say horrible things.

I talked to my former counselor, who told me guys his age were gonna drink and surf the net. So then I get to thinking I am being unreasonable. Does this babbling make any sense? Deep down, I really think he hates himself and takes it out on me. I am not stupid, got several degrees in college so I have studied this stuff. So you have to ask, why put up with his s#&t? Well, we will see if we love each other enough.

And, really, I don't think he came for green card. And I do think he loves me as much as he capable of loving anyone. He pulls this same ####### on his friends, getting mad, pouting, not talking to them (classic definition of a bully, right?) He wants to go back and live in his country when I retire, but I won't do that cuz that life sucks as to his going out every night for coffee with his buddies while I would stay home--don't think so!!!

This story sounds like many more, so I appreciate your listening and your advice. He has changed in positive ways such as showing more affection (which they don't in his country), showing thanks when somebody helps him, adjusting better to paying his part (somewhat) for our expenses. He had been on his own for years, so he was used to doing what he wants, and of course, I want to do what I want, so there are so many adjustments for both of us. Well, more later.....love to all and thanks for your kind concern

[sasha414 0]

I, too, have changed my identity on here because I know some people who read this and I am embarrassed. I am not going to say where my hubby is from, but it is a country where, in my opinion, women are not really respected, as they stay home, do the housework, etc. I will say I am an educated woman who has been married several times before. I am married to a much younger man for more than a year now. (I know, red flag, but I really don't think this is an issue as to love, but maybe an issue as to me being a mother'figure). I have experienced similar problems as some of you.

For one thing, I think maturity is a huge issue as he feels like if I say anything, I am "trying to be his mother." I admit, I am sort of a controlling person, but I have never had trouble getting along with other people before like I have with him. And like others, I am made to feel like I have no right to question his wanting to get drunk, for example. I guess I already went through that phase a million years ago--lol. He screams and pitches a fit when I dare to question him. Yes, I think he is a spoiled little brat, and I wish I could use better words here, but I will keep my profanity to myself...lol

The sad part is, he has me doing the same back at him. I have told him I wished I never married him, he can go back, etc etc. and have been properly ashamed that I would stoop to his level. I have even apologized for saying stupid stuff, which he did also. I have never fought with anyone in my life like this, which totally freaks me out cuz he makes me the b*^# from H#^^. Hope this makes sense.

But, I'm telling you, he sets me up for this. He yells at me about he could find other women, there is nothing wrong with his drinking (He did this before, so I knew he wanted to drink occasionally)., that no wonder I am divorced from my exes. And I say horrible stuff to him back, which is driving me crazy.

He has me blaming myself for all these problems. I know he went through culture shock, but he has a job now, but by golly, I think he is jealous that I am smarter, make more money, and own my own house (isn't that awful to say)? He can't stand that he can't control me. And I told him he will never control me.

I have spent a fortune on and for him, but I honestly don't think it is appreciated. I think if he acts appreciative, he thinks that is being weak (losing that power again). I have explained to him what abuse is and have left some articles off the net for him to read--don't know if he read them or not. At present, we are not speaking, he left the house to go who knows where (he does have some friends/acquaintances). I have kicked him out several times, telling him if he wants to go, go do better (and for this I feel guilty cuz I feel I am being abusive also). He resents that this is my house and he has nowhere to go, but expects to make good money with few skills. All in all, it is a pretty screwed up life. Things were going well/better for a few months, I thought he was getting better adjusted. But he started drinking this week (to me a lot, to him maybe not) and when I expressed concern that he was drinking too much, this brought on a screaming match where we both say horrible things.

I talked to my former counselor, who told me guys his age were gonna drink and surf the net. So then I get to thinking I am being unreasonable. Does this babbling make any sense? Deep down, I really think he hates himself and takes it out on me. I am not stupid, got several degrees in college so I have studied this stuff. So you have to ask, why put up with his s#&t? Well, we will see if we love each other enough.

And, really, I don't think he came for green card. And I do think he loves me as much as he capable of loving anyone. He pulls this same ####### on his friends, getting mad, pouting, not talking to them (classic definition of a bully, right?) He wants to go back and live in his country when I retire, but I won't do that cuz that life sucks as to his going out every night for coffee with his buddies while I would stay home--don't think so!!!

This story sounds like many more, so I appreciate your listening and your advice. He has changed in positive ways such as showing more affection (which they don't in his country), showing thanks when somebody helps him, adjusting better to paying his part (somewhat) for our expenses. He had been on his own for years, so he was used to doing what he wants, and of course, I want to do what I want, so there are so many adjustments for both of us. Well, more later.....love to all and thanks for your kind concern

im sorry this is happening to you too. life is really unpredictable and there are wonderful people here who will listen and support you. i suggest you post this in a separate thread so youll get more advices. hugs...

[solsoeur 0]

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news but your husband is being emotionally abusive. I was an emotionally abused wife and there is nothing that you can do to make him happy because he will always find something to make you feel small. It will always be something you do not want a marriage that is conducted like a auction do you? If you are a spiritual person than I suggest you start praying and wait for God to lead you to the solution to your problem. Your husband sounds very immature and like he wants you to do everything in the marriage while he does nothing. I hope things turn around for you but don't bargain away your self worth to stay married. He needs to appreciate you as his wife and treat you as a treasure. NO ONE is responsible for making another happy we all must find happiness within ourselves.

[MadzCarl2008 0]

Make me feel so sad about your story... Well as a woman it's a our duty to serve our husband...Don't forget to put limit in any situation

b'coz someday they abusing us.. And i think you forgot to put limit's in your marriage relationship b'coz of your LOVE to him...I don't want

to blamed you on that, And like you've said you give your 100% to him and not working...

And it's about to change your style...try to be cold with him change what you usually do to him and he starting wondering something wrong happen with you..It's about time to give your self Respect and no body has a right to threat that way even your HUSBAND..Wake up Girl

Your parent's not nurturing you to become a slave with your husband or what...

Just face the challenge and embrased your fate.... It's your reality in life to have this difficulties but there's a Better Future that's awaits you...

Your husband has a good looking Guy maybe you can display him when you go out with him...

But his not an Ideal man to be with you in your whole life...

You need time to think about your marriage situation...then decide what's best....

But my Advise is Analyze your marriage life now and you will seek the answer...

As a woman we want a happy family but you will never find it to your husband... Just start moving on now..

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!...

[EtherealVocalist 0]

Thank you for your response.

He has told me that yes he would learn to love me again if he was sexually satisfied. I dont think that is right either, but he says that a man weighs his relationship heavily on how satisfied he is in the bedroom and that if the bedroom is good then other problems in the relationship dont affect him as much and that he is overall more happy.

No he is not a MENA man, but he is from a developing country where women are known to do above and beyond for their men, and men are still known to stray. I guess he does not see me as being this person who's sole life is to make him happy....which is how most women in his country are because they do not work, just stay home with kids, cook clean, satisfy in the bedroom...even if they know their man in cheating...they evntually take him back.

Yes I do work everyday, its just what most women do in this country. I am not defined by my career so I am not an overly dependent women whos job comes before her marriage. I'd love to be at home and he works. Its not possible now. He is not working....still looking. He spends his day at home, or looking for jobs out in the neighborhood. He does make the bed and do laundry...doesnt fold it, but when i call him thru the day he asks what I am making for dinner. I come home and cook...even though he may cook once a week. Once he got mad at me for not serving him a drink even though i came home from work cooked and served him a meal. he also got mad when we went to a movie, that i paid for or course and when I went to go get popcorn and drink he got mad that I chose a drink he did not like I just feel like he doesnt appreciate things or see the sacrifice.....that feeling of course makes it harder for me to give him more of me when he asks.

I sometimes feel like I cannot breathe and that i am having an anxiety attack.

WOW!!!! This is really upsetting me to read this. My husband is German - he WANTS to live here and he *said* that he will adjust to the way of life here and to be the best husband he can be. He will try to leave aside how things are done in Germany and how things are done here - but mostly he will try to satisfy OUR needs and to be opened about what is possible and not in our life is what is important.

In my opinion, you cannot "learn" to love someone. you can "learn" to "appreciate" someone such as a neighbor or a family members that drive you crazy etc... but your spouse? i think you do or you don't, there is no learning phase to me in this situation.

your husband is not nurturing and is quite demanding of you to be at his beckon and calls when you work so much and do more than necessary to be a great wife - you are not wonder woman, you need time to relax.

don't get me started in the sex department. my husband and i have had many conversations of what he wants and what I want when it comes to that. we respect each other's limit and we do the best and imaginative things within our common grounds...

I think you need to take a step back and re-evaluate YOUR life and your wants. i am just advising you to NOT change the person that you are to make him happy solely. Marriage and relationships are team work... It's not a one way street.

[EtherealVocalist 0]

I wanted to add as well that he is insecure - and the way to feel better about himself is to make you feel small.

I can see that this marriage will take a lot of work - if that is something you BOTH want, marriage councelling is in order.

[Imua 0]

Sounds like some guys need a reality check... also they need to divorce their sense of 'manhood' from a paycheck. There was an article in the NY Times a few days ago that said 87% of the recent layoffs which have happened in recent months have been men, mostly working in finance, construction, etc and other fields which have been hit hardest by the economic crisis - more women work in healthcare and education which have not been as affected... So more women are forced to be the 'breadwinner' through no fault of the man or the woman... economic changes happen like the weather and no point beating yourself up over it... a real man would realize he is no less of a man because his wife is bringing home the bacon, as long as he is doing his best to find a job himself.. at some point she may find herself without a job and he may support her, this is a true marriage, a partnership based on mutual respect and interdependence and not some macho ego boost... Also a man cannot expect his wife to work all day, commute, probably work out at the gym, etc. then come home and cook and have energy in bed... come on!!!!!

And marriage or one's self-worth should not depend on one's physical 'attractiveness' as based on who is on tv or porn(which it sounds like he is a consumer) - he should love you for what is inside and if he wants a pretty doll who will never change then go to realdoll.com...

[Migueljoy 4]

I agree with Jenn and about physcho abuse. One thing I want to make clear. He has stressed he does not love you and is not satisfied so the bottom line he needs to move out not you.

I have learned that doing too much with no happiness as a reward is misery. He needs to leave and go on his own.

If he can't afford to move then he needs to go back from where he came from and take what he brought into the marriage which I bet is basically nothing.

You made a mistake from this. Nothing positive has changed in a long time so something has to give. I bet you kept giving it one more chance, one more chance, one more chance.... And still nothing's change for it's getting worse.

Figure out the finances accept the mistake as a financial lesson learned and reclaim back your life.

No more chances. There's nothing left in the marriage.

Hope it makes sense.

QUOTE (Jenn! @ Dec 15 2008, 04:27 PM)

I hate to jump to conclusions, but from what you've written here my gut is telling me that he was not invested in this marriage from the start and is now trying to create the illusion that the marriage has turned bad and somehow that is your fault.

I would tell you to run before you take any more blows to your self-esteem.

style_emoticons/#EMO_DIR#/rose.gif

I sooo agree with that..... and the fact that it's psychological abuse.

You are not the problem and honestly I think you do already more than you should!

You can also play his game and make him feel he is not good enough for you.... but... I would suggest to not loose your time and energy with theses kind of games and to move on.... and that If he wants to go, the door is open.

[belinda63 3,031]

you do realize this thread is more than six years old correct?

Edited August 8, 2015 by belinda63

[Penguin_ie 5,993]

***** closing zombie thread. *******