My Marriage is in Trouble

[chavelle 6]

I most of these post and I did read all your post Sweet, but from experience of a 15yr marriage to a man who sounds like you man you are being played. My EX would say things like yes its his fault if he only knew how to deal with things better blah blah blah.... When he knew I was fed up he said all the right things made me feel he couldn't help it how he just could'nt handle it how he was young and immature. Like I said he said all the right things at the right times. He was abusive in every way possible emotionaly, physically, financialy, believe me there is a list and he fit them all. I'm a giver and fixer type of person. I also didnt want to let my marriage FAIL all along he could care less how I felt. I tried to help him get better but it never last like he promises. Don't fall for his bs words cause thats what they are BS. He is slowly eating away at who you are and when he fianly gets you the way he feels fit you still wont be good enough he will get worse. Maybe with cheating, hitting , or the same ammotional abuse but it will be worse. And by that time you will be just like how you described the wifes wheres hes from putting up with it all cause the person you where will be gone.

just remember he started this pattern before he got here its not about homesickness or culture shock sure he may have some of that but he was hurting you before he got here, with the comments of divorce and how he didnt love you. All that time blamming you for not being freaky enough or loving enough. ITS ALL A WAY TO BREAK YOU LEAVE HIM AND TELL YOUR FAMILY/FRIENDS get the help you need to stand tall and not back down your already falling for hes stories of how hes lonely. yes some of it could be true that why you believe him. Hes very good at manipulating you already.

Anyways counseling may work but I bet he would use it to his advantage just like Ihave seen many times it gives them more amunitions to play dirty. The only time men like that change is when they jit bottom and only when they want too. And will not work if you two are still together under one roof cause he can still manipulate you way of thinking and keep you from thinking straight when you go to counseling.

Anyways thats my experience and my thoughts plz think really hard before going back to him and talk to someone who you trust that you wont have the need to defend him against or make excuses for his behavior.

Take care of yourself

Danielle

[Ellsinlove 2]

My final thought on this matter....if after all of these replies you are still uncertain what to do, just consider this:

If your very best friend in the world who you loved dearly like a sister were to write all these things and you were reading them, what would your reaction/advise/answer be? Would you tell her to keep putting up with it and try harder? Or, would you tell her something else?

Just a little more food for thought. Very best of luck to you....you deserve happiness and dignity!

[rrobin 2]

From what you have written . . . no it's NOT normal.

Saying "I don't love you anymore" to your spouse is an indication of something seriously wrong. If there is no bond of love I don't know what is holding you guys together.

Have a discussion with him and let him know how you feel. If he is not willing to amend his behavior, don't waste your life.

[bhajishah 4]

I dont love you is very harsh words. or @ the least v childish.

[Beautiful_years 0]

Sweetie, what he said to you.... is a big NO NO!!!

Make haste when the sun still shines,

meanwhile would he find it funny if you tell him he stinks? more like rotten egg not like p@@#$#? Has a Pe@#ni$%# thats the size of my middle finger?

Wants to do freaky things just to make himself feel like a man when in actual sense he isnt? That he shoots blanks and wastes your efforts so should consider jerking off instead of wasting your energy? That you fake Orgasms all the time just to make him feel better? That you think he needs a viagra to get it up and you dont find him sexually attractive so you also visit singles site and "####### off" the female way when he isnt there?

Pardon my obsceneties, but i can go on and be very discriptive, if he finds these funny and finds nothing wrong with them .... then sweetie its all good, if he doesnt then BRING IT ON!!! would he smile and say Sweetie.... you re good?

You dont tell those things to a woman! If he has a problem let him deal with it, not use you as the object of his self hate! By the time he is done with you, you ll feel so low in the food chain, a movable feast, feared by non, eaten by all. Abusive relationship only gets worse! If you gouys want to work it out then come squarely and give him his piece of #### back then work things out from there.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Sorry to hear about your story. It saddens me to hear about your pain. Please do not bring a child into this family.

THis is not normal. You are not being validated. He is just playing the blame game to take the focus off him.

Stay strong. God Bless!

Hello All,

Here's my background:

I have been a member of VJ for about 2 years now. I changed my screen name and account to be annonymous and also my husband knew about my last screen name and reviewed those posts on here so I wanted to be able to freely write without him knowing.

We met 2 years ago, married after little less than a year of first meeting. Petitioned thru CR1 and now he is here about 2 months. Before he came we have had issues and arguments. My husband says I am not affectionate, or loving or nuturing like a woman should be. I dont agree completely with him. I dont think i am a mushy mushy type but i do love him and show him affection. Holding his hand in public walking arm and arm. Going up to him for hugs, wanting to spend lots of time with him. I currently am the only one working cause he is new here. He comes from a country where the US dollar was far higher than his own so I visited him in his country many times before he came. I work everyday and have major stress with deadlines yet I make sure to call him throughout the day. I come home at a decent hour and cook cause he does not do that most days. I cook for him serve his food, keep a clean and homely house, give him money weekly, talk to him about his day and mine, and before we started having such problems, we had sex at least 4 times a week...some days I was just emotionally and physically spent. He says none of this matter if he is not happy with me.

He says he is not happy with me cause he is not in love with me. He is not in love with me cause I am not affectionate enough for him. I do not have "freaky" sex everytime we have sex. His idea of freaky is different positions and oral. Ok I can do that no problem, but its a learning vurve for me. Should he make me feel like i am horrible in bed if I am not having this freaky sex. If we do it often but just not to his likening everytime. Shouldnt I be comfortable during such an act of making love to my husband?

He has threatened divorce about 5 times in the course of our marriage. 2 times before he evn got here. He has said that he should not have gotten married so soon, that he was not ready. He has also told me he is not in love with me. He cares for me but does not have that passionate feeling cause I do not bring it out of him. So in turn he gets very angry with me cause he feels its my fault that he does not have that feeling. Is it my fault. Am i doing something wrong? I wear sexy lingerie to spice things up, and he hardly comments says "oh you always do that". So then i feel me doing that is not appreciated. I have found him looking at singles ads on the internet. He appologized for this, but not til after he saw how much it hurt me. He says its just curiosity as to what other people want and do in their relationships to see if there are things i should be doing for him in our relationship to bring that loving feeling back.

I have been left to feel inadequate. Unsexy. Not beautiful. Hopeless in this marriage, and as if I cannot even keep my man happy or satisfied enough to continue loving me. Like I do not deserve love until he is fully satisfied. At the same time I feel like, yes I can do more in the relationship yet I am doing SO MUCH as it is now, and its feels as though its in vain an he does not appreciate it.

He says he is unhappy cause he does not love me and that he feel unfullfilled in the relationship and that he cannot give me more until i give him more....is that fair? I am not sure?

He has put me down by saying that I am not womanly, too "loose", not affectionate towards him, that i had odor once..over a year ago when we had sex. Says that it was a mistake to marry me, that he is not in love with me, and that I am the sole reason he is not happy. I have driven him to be curious to other women on singles sites. As you can see this is crushing to a womans spirit, sexuality, and confidence, and makes it that much harder to keep giving and doing for him, especially when he says that he knows he's wrong but cant give me anything more until I make him feel better in the relationship first.

I am not sure how to feel. Is this normal for people to go thru these things in marriage? Should I just toughen up after all he has said and done to me and try to move past it and continue to give him love in hopes that this will spark him to love me back? Should I seperate from him, and let him miss what he truly has in me? I am a good woman. I would do anything for my husband yet I am feeling very foolish for thinking this way when he makes me feel so bad. I dont want to be stupid and naive so I ask your opinions. Is this right?

I wanted a marriage and future family of our own. A partnership. I feel like all I am getting is a list of demands and anxiety. I feel like I walk on egg shells with him hoping that when I see joy in his face that it will last. I am really lonely in this marriage and sad and disappointed. I am starting to think he was right and that we should not have gotten married. But now we are and i want to fix it but dont know if it is fixable.

Please help.

[faryan 4]

Sorry to hear about your story. It saddens me to hear about your pain. Please do not bring a child into this family.

THis is not normal. You are not being validated. He is just playing the blame game to take the focus off him.

Stay strong. God Bless!

make sure u have a foolproof birth control...

Edited December 17, 2008 by faryan

[bhajishah 4]

Wise words from the sista Mrs Beautiful!!

[Beautiful_years 0]

Wise words from the sista Mrs Beautiful!!

yea!... i think his full of stinky ####### making his woman feel that way!

Edited December 17, 2008 by Beautiful_years

[Beautiful_years 0]

Any man who makes a woman feel that bad should have a foot shoved down his throat as a souvenior.

Really sad, the things women go through for love!

[Jonesie 1]

As a woman of faith myself, I advise you to pray. Nothing in life is perfect, but maybe this isn't what the Lord has destined for you. A lot of times we see something and want it but it's not what we are to have/what's best for us.

Also, if the roles were reversed, do you think your "husband" (I put this in quotes because his behavior toward you is not husband-like in regard to the word) stay around? Would he allow himself to be verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused? I'm sure the answer is no. Why should you subject yourself to it?

He will treat you as he sees fit as long as you allow him to. No matter what you say to him, what he reads (from your journal, posts here, etc) or what any counselor or pastor tells him, if he does not want to change then he will not change. I've never been one to try and tell people how to run their marriages but I think all the signs are in front of you. Get out while you can. Thank the Lord that the signs were shown now than later down the line and you have children caught in the middle of this madness.

I cannot say if he loves you or not, but I am one who believes that if you love someone then you'd treat them the way you'd want to be treated. From what you posted he treats you like you're not worth a penny with a hole in the middle. And then to try and put the blame on you - telling you that if you did what he asked of you he'd treat you better...that is bull.

Go to your family and talk to them. Those who love you will not only be able to help you out, but give you the support you need. Yes, they may say "I told you so", but that is nothing compared to the treatment that you get from your spouse. You should not feel ashamed or embarrassed. Remember to put you first because you are not in this with him - you two are joined by paper but not by hearts (and this is his doing, not yours). Don't let him manipulate you any further. He may change for a time but remember that he may do and say things in order to stay around. A zebra cannot change its stripes. Your instincts are telling you to get out - trust yourself and do it. The longer you stay with him the worse things may get.

Good luck to you and my prayers are with you.

[trailmix 77]

Hello.

Actually we are both Christian. And at times I think he uses this against me. By saying that if I was "truly" praying and putting the relationship to God then things would be better and change. So once again it was ME who was preventing him and us from having a better relationship cause I am not praying enough or right or whatever. So this is hard for me to think about cause of course it is cutting into my own personal realtionship with Jesus. How do you argue against that? I can pray more and believe that God will help us but now he makes it seem that I am not faithful to God too. I dont want to consider divorce....at least not this early in the marriage. Thats normal right? To want to keep fighting for the relationship and trying to come to an understanding.

The more I talk about this 'outloud' with you all the more I start to think that he is just making excuses.

Yes certainly he is either just making excuses or he is so horribly self-centered that he can't (won't) look past the end of his nose to see how his behaviour is affecting anyone (you).

I think the most important thing is for you not to make excuses FOR him. There is no - and I mean no - reason for him to treat you the way he has been treating you.

Edited December 17, 2008 by trailmix

[Brit Abroad 166]

I'm glad you told him that you have sought outside (Vj) opinions on your situation. At least he now knows that you have a support system behind you, giving you advice and strength.

Realistically, you have two choices. The only person who can make those decisions is you, because only you know the depth of feelings involved in this relationship from the start and how much you want to put into it in future.

1. Sit him down and tell him that his behaviour stops NOW, from this very moment. It doesn't matter HOW he feels, he does not have the right to hurt or demoralise you in your own home. It's his problem to deal with and, while you will help him in ways that you can, HE must take ownership of them and find ways to fix them. If he doesn't, then he will never have any self-respect and you will eventually end up despising him anyway.

There are many things he can do. Every charity organisation is desperate for volunteers, especially with a recession where they don't have the money to keep paying staff. I'm sure that some organisation speaks his native language and would love for someone to come in and help. Get him to make a list of things he enjoys doing and what his future aims of work/home/social life include and try and steer him into some self-help. We can all sit at home and drown in self-pity that our lives aren't the stuff tv programs are made of but if he's going to have a future in America, he needs to learn that people are far more willing to help you if they see you putting some effort in yourself.

Visit local stores or find online forums that show where his native speaking communities are at and have him go talk to people there, find out what kind of social life he could be having and introducing you to.

2. It could be that he's simply using you to get his green card and citizenship but you're not yet ready to see it or let go. A man who has a goal in mind (like a GC) will say whatever he thinks is necessary to procure it. Anyone reading your posts can see that it's abuse, has serious doubts about his actual feelings for you and wants you to take the safest route possible.

Assuming you could afford it, or have understanding friends or family, you could suggest that he moves out for a fortnight/month/however long and begins courting you again, so you can remove the doubts that he feels anything for you. Take the time to get to know the REAL person that he is, not the one you've spent a limited amount of time with before marriage and decide if what he's offering is enough. If it's not, don't be scared to tell him to leave. If you make a mistake, it can be rectified later, by going through the application process again. Better that than to spend many years being kept on an unhappy knife edge with his unreasonable behaviour.

Threats do not work. Ever. Take decisions based on what YOU need and where you see your own future. You are not this man's keeper and the only things that you owe him are the same that you owe every other person - honesty and decency. Those are also things that YOU should be getting from him. So far he's failed, don't let him keep failing you.

If he was an American husband would you take this treatment from him? From my own perspective, I'd say that he needs to remember what he applied for. A visa to live with the woman he loves, not a visa to get a better quality of life. If it's the latter, then get rid of him today.

I'm sorry you're going through such a horrible time, but you need to stop talking and start taking some action, because words seldom fix problems.

[JenT 0]

Well said, newbie!!

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

Brit Abroad,

Thank you so much for that advice. You gave me some really good options and some intersting things to think about when it comes to this. I have sat him down and told him the behaviour must stop....so that option is no longer valid for me, cause he has not stopped. The idea of me depising him if nothing changes on his part is one that I really didnt even think of. Even if i do decide to stay in what is seeming to be a really bad situation, EVENTUALLY i will hate him. I won't love him anymore, I'll be really hurt and messed up and I'll have nothing to show for it except lost years of my life. I hate the idea of spending more money to get him out the house but I guess that would have to be. Better to spend it now than later.

I dont think i treat him differently because of his culture, and I honestly didnt think i was someone who took a lot of nonsense in a relationship, but i somehow got caught in one like this. I guess it was because the relationship started off a bit uncommon. He wasnt someone I met here, and since he was foreign, the whole GC thing was in the mix, and instantly my fam made remarks about that before knowing him. Those remarks made me shut them down and so I started out in this defend him mode from the beginning of the relationship and soon the lines blurred as to where I should stop defending him. Lots of things he said put me down as a person and they were things that were quite personal to me, so I was hesitant to talk about them to other friends or family. I tried to fix them myself in the relationship. My family absolutely adores him now too! I mean everybody. UGH! At first I thought that it meant he's a really personable man, and anyone would like him if they got to know him. But then there were those problems he had with me, that no one else know about. I thought that I was the only different factor in his mood change and personality change so I figured it must be something wrong in ME that he gets so upset with me about. Now i am starting to think he is just one of those "charmer" guys and we all were being duped. That makes me so mad and depressed at the same time.

He has been acting very quiet lately. I guess trying to shake the boat. He tries to have conversation at times, but I feel its very akward for me cause we have no resolution. I cant just go with him talking nice and being nice if there is really nothing solved. its sad that its Christmas time. I bought all knew Christmas lights and decorations and a tree to make him feel the Christmas spirit as he says he misses, and now the whole Christmas time for me has been anquish and heartache. This is what I'll remember for Christmas now.

He knows people here in the US. They are in another state. Its old family friends. I really think that he may have always been planning to go visti them and stay there. I am going to ask if that is where he wants to go.