My Marriage is in Trouble

[~♥Fariha~♥~Zain♥~ 0]

Yes, he used you for the papers sorry to say this but it does take place.

Fariha

Hello All,

Thanks for repsonding so quickly. I was sitting waiting for someone to respond cause I feel so lost and unable to talk to anyone about this. You help me alot.

Yes I do feel like its psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. I can say, I am not perfect....but I really am not a bad woman at all. I try to give 100% of my ability and sometimes 100% may only look like 50% but at least I am giving my all while aware that i can give more. From being on VJ, I have read the horror stories of being used and I often times think that maybe this is my case. I dont want that to be but i realy dont understand how things can go so sour so fast. I keep looking to myself wondering if I am doing something wrong and not being like other wives. Thats why I ask you all if this is normal. I am embarrassed to talk to family cause they all thought i was stupid to marry him cause we met in his country and they thought he would use me, or they made judgements that men from his country and controlling to women and mean and that he wanted a GC. I defended him to the death. I am a very attractive woman. Have no problem meeting men, so he did not charm me in any way, I just really like his personality, he was attractive, he shared my views on our faith and seemed like someone who was very passionate. But now...its all changed. I feel like a horrible ugly woman....never felt that in ly life. I walk around thinking I am not pretty, and that I cannot keep a husband and that I dont deserve love. Is he using me or did he really fall so out of love so quickly?

Sounds to me this man is using you to get here and get his papers. Ussualy this kind of people get papers and live. I onestly think you should let him go, because longer you will be with this man it will hurt you more and will be more difficult for you and you. I belive you will be able to find a better men who will love you for what you're and he will think you're beautiful. All he tells you and do to you sound like an insalt,emotional abuse and physical abuse. Don't ruine your life because of him. Good luck

[~♥Fariha~♥~Zain♥~ 0]

I feel like a horrible ugly woman....never felt that in ly life. I walk around thinking I am not pretty, and that I cannot keep a husband and that I dont deserve love. Is he using me or did he really fall so out of love so quickly?

--->With this said his sick emotional abuse has already began to torment you. That was what he wanted to do was make you feel "ugly" and "unwanted" then you would not have the strength to leave him in fears nobody else will ever love you. I know because my sister's ex did this to her. I hate when women deal with this. Leave him do not let him win, get out now before he gets what he wants. Do not let him suck you back in either with temporarary kindness. Always remember the harsh words he said which cut you like a knife. It will happen again and then he will leave you after he gets his permanent GC. Trust me, I know many in your situation. Your story is almost identical.

Fariha

Yes, he used you for the papers sorry to say this but it does take place.

Fariha

Hello All,

Thanks for repsonding so quickly. I was sitting waiting for someone to respond cause I feel so lost and unable to talk to anyone about this. You help me alot.

Yes I do feel like its psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. I can say, I am not perfect....but I really am not a bad woman at all. I try to give 100% of my ability and sometimes 100% may only look like 50% but at least I am giving my all while aware that i can give more. From being on VJ, I have read the horror stories of being used and I often times think that maybe this is my case. I dont want that to be but i realy dont understand how things can go so sour so fast. I keep looking to myself wondering if I am doing something wrong and not being like other wives. Thats why I ask you all if this is normal. I am embarrassed to talk to family cause they all thought i was stupid to marry him cause we met in his country and they thought he would use me, or they made judgements that men from his country and controlling to women and mean and that he wanted a GC. I defended him to the death. I am a very attractive woman. Have no problem meeting men, so he did not charm me in any way, I just really like his personality, he was attractive, he shared my views on our faith and seemed like someone who was very passionate. But now...its all changed. I feel like a horrible ugly woman....never felt that in ly life. I walk around thinking I am not pretty, and that I cannot keep a husband and that I dont deserve love. Is he using me or did he really fall so out of love so quickly?

Sounds to me this man is using you to get here and get his papers. Ussualy this kind of people get papers and live. I onestly think you should let him go, because longer you will be with this man it will hurt you more and will be more difficult for you and you. I belive you will be able to find a better men who will love you for what you're and he will think you're beautiful. All he tells you and do to you sound like an insalt,emotional abuse and physical abuse. Don't ruine your life because of him. Good luck

Edited December 16, 2008 by ~♥Fariha~♥~Zain♥~

[himher 634]

As long as you recognize that it is not and never was you that was / is the cause of this behavior, then I suspect the two of you can work on the actual issue, which is - a guy is pretty demasculated (is that the right spelling??) between arrival in the US and finding/gaining a meaningful place in US society which makes it VERY difficult to make the transition. Some guys approach it differently and unfortunatly this one is taking his feelings of helplessness out on you. There is always an underlying, personal issue behind abusive behavior, and until that is recognized and addressed by the person who perpetuates the behavior (the one who is doing it) it never stops or ends. My rambling is only a guess of the underlying cause after all.

The key here is that YOU cannot fix this. So many try (and some have posted here) for years and fail to fix something that can only be fixed by the other person. You are owed the chance and opportunity to explain to him how his actions are affecting you and making you feel, and he is owed the chance to recognize this for what it is and truly (that means sincere effort) work on dealing with his issues in a positive way. He may not even know or realize what (men are very SLOW and even obtuse sometimes in these things) Giving him the opportunity to recognizing that what is being done is wrong for the marriage and unacceptable to you, and the opportunity to find another outlet for his frustration, should be all he gets and all he is owed. The desire to change is up to the person responsible for that change. There is no responsibility on your part to put up with this behavior, only to open his eyes to it. Please keep that in mind no matter what happens.

That's a pretty sad story. I would guess, without knowing many facts, that he's experiencing feelings of inadequacy because he's depending on you for everything, then overcompensating for that - without realizing how or why, by giving you a hard time about things that have nothing to do with the true source of his inadequate feelings. I suspect that this is a way to "show his manhood" to make up for dependence on you (again, guessing)

Either way, the problem is not yours, but his - and the best way through it is to try to get him to open up to discussion of the true problem, which is when a guy is depending on his wife for everything like he has to, and has to 'reverse roles' from a cultural standpoint, there is a discontentment there that then becomes applicable to the relationship and everything around it. You will likely see improvement as he gains some independence, but until then he likely isn't going to be satisfied with ANYTHING.

Whether you choose to put up with that - is up to you. There is certainly no excuse for the way you are being treated, and no that is not normal in a healthy marriage.

You actually said what he told me the other day. He has expressed a discontentment with having to depend on me for everything. I buy him clothing cause he has no winter clothes, give him spending cash, pay all the bills, take him to the movies and dinner, buy all the groceries. Then on top of that I cook clean work have sex. But he has told me that he feels horribly for not being able to take me out or buy me things and it just gets him down. He says he sees all that I do for him and understands that it is a lot and he should just be happy for that, but in turn it creates the exact opposite effect on him and he then resents me and gets angry at himself and me for doing all this stuff for him...cause basically it is just reminding him about how much he cant do it himself.

Like I said...he is from a culture where the man is sort of the provider in a sense and the woman takes care of his every need. Not sure if this is the best course for a relationship but its what he is used to. So I understand what you say. I do think you are right. That until he starts working and gaining a feeling of dependence from me he will be unsatisfied.

[bhajishah 4]

Tell him he smells like kim chee and garlic and has flat azz but you loved him anyway. then tell him to Fck ofs!!

[justashooter 430]

Hello All,

Thanks for repsonding so quickly. I was sitting waiting for someone to respond cause I feel so lost and unable to talk to anyone about this. You help me alot.

Yes I do feel like its psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. I can say, I am not perfect....but I really am not a bad woman at all. I try to give 100% of my ability and sometimes 100% may only look like 50% but at least I am giving my all while aware that i can give more.

From being on VJ, I have read the horror stories of being used and I often times think that maybe this is my case. I dont want that to be but i realy dont understand how things can go so sour so fast.

WAG, as a middle aged man who has been around for awhile, it sounds to me like your guy is unhappy with himself.

He isn't in a familiar place, isn't sure about the social rules or even the value of the currency, doens't have a job, and is living with a woman he doesn't knw. He has nothing in the situation to give him a sense of accomplishment or self esteem. It's natural for a guy in this position to become mildly depressed, grow bored with sex, his wife in general, food, entertainment, and just about everythign else.

I've lived and worked in places where I didn't speak the local language or know the customs, so I have some idea of what he is feeling. I got myself out into the culture, and things improved quickly. What your guy needs is a kick in the pants to get him off his ### and something he can throw himself into so that he can feel his life is worth living. Having the greatest wife in the world just isn't enough, and it sounds like you've been one. Sorry ladies, guys just need more than a woman can give to feel like they have a reason to live.

The tough part is finding a way to get him out here without loosing him to hoods, drugs, alcohol, or another woman. You have to find some safe place for him to grow, and that's damned hard, these days. Raising an immigrant is like raising a child in some ways. Lots of responsibility most USC spouses never consider when they file K1 for someone from a less developed country.

Good luck to you.

[bhajishah 4]

WOW good advice and male/immigrant perspective shooter. I put mine in college classes few months after here. Then Job in the City where he is exposed to many different peoples(mgr of major deptstore). after about a yr got apology for being pompus confused azz. Now he asks wife advice and protocol (cute) from co workers. And they enjoy helping him out and having him around. He offers guidance about spiritual and educational things(and most black and white things) I respect this part of his life and dont interfere. have no feelings about cheating or anything.Because after time you know and trust when its solid.Im rambling i know shooter right its live and learn. Korea or china etc asia might be cheaper to live etc..but it still a male oreinted and rich culture.(even if it appears modern).Women compliment and companion to mans life. She dont fulfill his whole life needs.

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

Tell him he smells like kim chee and garlic and has flat azz but you loved him anyway. then tell him to Fck ofs!!

Oh! lol! This really made me laugh cause I know what that smells like. Thank you for that laugh. Its nice to know that I can find some humor and laughter in me after all of this.

[katerinak 0]

I would tell him to Pack Sand.

Kick his ### out of the house, file for anullment.

The longer you stay the dumber it will make you look in the long run, and them more hurt you will be.

Cut ties today.......

I always tell people, if your fighting before marriage it wont be long after marriage it will get worse.

I'm totaly agree with you 100%

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

As long as you recognize that it is not and never was you that was / is the cause of this behavior, then I suspect the two of you can work on the actual issue, which is - a guy is pretty demasculated (is that the right spelling??) between arrival in the US and finding/gaining a meaningful place in US society which makes it VERY difficult to make the transition. Some guys approach it differently and unfortunatly this one is taking his feelings of helplessness out on you. There is always an underlying, personal issue behind abusive behavior, and until that is recognized and addressed by the person who perpetuates the behavior (the one who is doing it) it never stops or ends. My rambling is only a guess of the underlying cause after all.

The key here is that YOU cannot fix this. So many try (and some have posted here) for years and fail to fix something that can only be fixed by the other person. You are owed the chance and opportunity to explain to him how his actions are affecting you and making you feel, and he is owed the chance to recognize this for what it is and truly (that means sincere effort) work on dealing with his issues in a positive way. He may not even know or realize what (men are very SLOW and even obtuse sometimes in these things) Giving him the opportunity to recognizing that what is being done is wrong for the marriage and unacceptable to you, and the opportunity to find another outlet for his frustration, should be all he gets and all he is owed. The desire to change is up to the person responsible for that change. There is no responsibility on your part to put up with this behavior, only to open his eyes to it. Please keep that in mind no matter what happens.

I dont know you, but you must be a man. Thank you for your words cause it sounds like you really have an understanding for what goes on in the head of a man. And I am clueless to that on most occassions, so its good to hear a mans perspective.

Just an update.....

...I spoke to my husband last night. I could not go home and act normal yesterday after reading all these posts here. So I decided to talk to him about what I wrote here. I read my original post to him, word by word. Shockingly he said "wow, if I read that I would be calling the police for that lady right away." I didnt understand him but he said that it sounded like the lady needed real help. He sort of thought my post was biased and that i only mentioned the bad stuff. I told him it wasnt biased but it was just how i feel and i wanted to ask people if this is ok. He did not deny that the things I said were actually the bad things he said to me. he cannot deny that, I did not lie to you all...he has said them. At first I think he kind of saw the extent of my hurt, but he was also angry. Saying that he does not mean to hurt me when he tells me these things its just how he feels and some of the things are just hard to talk about without hurting my feelings. I guess that is true.

I went over many of the words said on here with him. He thought some of you made good assessments of what it was that he was going thru. For me I read about the other women who were in this situation and how it was abuse and i cannot belive that i am in a relationship like that. I never thought myself to be the type. So its hard for me to accept that maybe this is that kind of relationship. So I give him the benifit of the doubt. But I also have gotten really great advice and more confidence from reading these posts.

I told him that I now realize that I cannot make him love me. THAT is one thing that he really needs to do on his own. I can show him love and do things that make him like me, but he has to actually work at continue loving me, cause that is what i do, and it is very hard for me at most times. I told him if I cannot even have the basics of a marriage....a man that loves me...then I do not have hope or any need to fight for the marriage anymore. I suggested we seperate. I asked him for suggestions to the problems and he has none. I told him I now feel better to talk to my family about the probelms we have had. I was embarrassed but after talking to u all i feel more confident to do so. I no longer care if it is embarassing.

The other day he asked if i believe that he loves me....i said no. He said that he does but just says stupid ignorant things cause he's so confused by how he feels and has no idea why he is so unhappy, but he really does see that he loves me and hates hurting me, even though he knows that he is hurting me. I still do not believe him, cause i need to see actions from him. I guess we'll try the seperation thing. I think he should go back to his home and take time to figure out who he is. He seems very lost inside and needing to be alone to get a better grip on real life and who he is.

I hate to think that this was such a waste, but I realize that he was not fighting for this and i cannot fight alone.

[MoroccanInTexas 24]

If my S/O would talk to me like your husband does, I would immediately stop being nice to him not to even mention having sex with that man.

He is abusing you, he is cruel to you and no one deserves to be treated this way. Love not only depends on sex but what you share with each other, which is more than sex I hope. Love, among so many other things, is also about having respect for each other which I don't think he has. If you don't like oral sex then whatever (just as an example). He probably knew that before your marriage and it is not fair to blame this now for a bad marriage. Love means respecting your feelings and values incl. dislikes for particular sexual practices. If my S/O wouldn't like certain things, I would just try ten thousand other things. Hey, there is such a variety that I am sure you can find things that both of you like.

It sounds to me that he is a mena man who expects everything from you but is not ready to give anything in return. I think you deserve respect for what you are doing; helping you two stay alive by working, keeping up with the chores and trying to make him happy etc. The least he could do is to be appreciative- which he is not.

I would make a clear statement to this man that he needs to grow up and also needs to work on this relationship and is definition of 'love'.

I suggest you run as fast as you can and get some help. Even if he would change, I doubt that I would ever be able to have a sexual relationship with this man again who calls himself a 'husband' when all he does is treating you bad. Throw him out of your house! This man is abusive and self-centered and doesn't deserve any woman at all.

She already stated he is not a MENA man. Besides, this is irrelevant. What ever this guy is doing is plain Wrong, she should cut her losses and run as fast as possible.

[thedreamgl 0]

I would say ask him to see a therapist together. See if he'd be open to that. If he's not, go yourself. That should help you rebuild your self esteem. And if anything, the therapist would not give you an answer, but through talking things through, you should get a better picture of what to do.

Good luck!!

[MoroccanInTexas 24]

I guess we'll try the seperation thing. I think he should go back to his home and take time to figure out who he is. He seems very lost inside and needing to be alone to get a better grip on real life and who he is.

I hate to think that this was such a waste, but I realize that he was not fighting for this and i cannot fight alone.

Sorry for all the things you are going through. Just remember that things happen for a reason. As long as you tried your best, you do not have to feel bad about your self. I agree that you guys need some separation time.

My prayers are with you to make the right thing

Good luck

[Ontarkie 14,133]

I most of these post and I did read all your post Sweet, but from experience of a 15yr marriage to a man who sounds like you man you are being played. My EX would say things like yes its his fault if he only knew how to deal with things better blah blah blah.... When he knew I was fed up he said all the right things made me feel he couldn't help it how he just could'nt handle it how he was young and immature. Like I said he said all the right things at the right times. He was abusive in every way possible emotionaly, physically, financialy, believe me there is a list and he fit them all. I'm a giver and fixer type of person. I also didnt want to let my marriage FAIL all along he could care less how I felt. I tried to help him get better but it never last like he promises. Don't fall for his bs words cause thats what they are BS. He is slowly eating away at who you are and when he fianly gets you the way he feels fit you still wont be good enough he will get worse. Maybe with cheating, hitting , or the same ammotional abuse but it will be worse. And by that time you will be just like how you described the wifes wheres hes from putting up with it all cause the person you where will be gone.

just remember he started this pattern before he got here its not about homesickness or culture shock sure he may have some of that but he was hurting you before he got here, with the comments of divorce and how he didnt love you. All that time blamming you for not being freaky enough or loving enough. ITS ALL A WAY TO BREAK YOU LEAVE HIM AND TELL YOUR FAMILY/FRIENDS get the help you need to stand tall and not back down your already falling for hes stories of how hes lonely. yes some of it could be true that why you believe him. Hes very good at manipulating you already.

Anyways counseling may work but I bet he would use it to his advantage just like Ihave seen many times it gives them more amunitions to play dirty. The only time men like that change is when they jit bottom and only when they want too. And will not work if you two are still together under one roof cause he can still manipulate you way of thinking and keep you from thinking straight when you go to counseling.

Anyways thats my experience and my thoughts plz think really hard before going back to him and talk to someone who you trust that you wont have the need to defend him against or make excuses for his behavior.

Take care of yourself

Danielle

[zqt3344 21]

Based on what you describe here, it is clear you are better off now to divorce him and move on, why put yourself through such abuse and trauma, you deserve better, it is not going to work out like you hope for, based on what you list or describe, you are beating a dead horse. Good luck with your decision.

Hello All,

Here's my background:

I have been a member of VJ for about 2 years now. I changed my screen name and account to be annonymous and also my husband knew about my last screen name and reviewed those posts on here so I wanted to be able to freely write without him knowing.

We met 2 years ago, married after little less than a year of first meeting. Petitioned thru CR1 and now he is here about 2 months. Before he came we have had issues and arguments. My husband says I am not affectionate, or loving or nuturing like a woman should be. I dont agree completely with him. I dont think i am a mushy mushy type but i do love him and show him affection. Holding his hand in public walking arm and arm. Going up to him for hugs, wanting to spend lots of time with him. I currently am the only one working cause he is new here. He comes from a country where the US dollar was far higher than his own so I visited him in his country many times before he came. I work everyday and have major stress with deadlines yet I make sure to call him throughout the day. I come home at a decent hour and cook cause he does not do that most days. I cook for him serve his food, keep a clean and homely house, give him money weekly, talk to him about his day and mine, and before we started having such problems, we had sex at least 4 times a week...some days I was just emotionally and physically spent. He says none of this matter if he is not happy with me.

He says he is not happy with me cause he is not in love with me. He is not in love with me cause I am not affectionate enough for him. I do not have "freaky" sex everytime we have sex. His idea of freaky is different positions and oral. Ok I can do that no problem, but its a learning vurve for me. Should he make me feel like i am horrible in bed if I am not having this freaky sex. If we do it often but just not to his likening everytime. Shouldnt I be comfortable during such an act of making love to my husband?

He has threatened divorce about 5 times in the course of our marriage. 2 times before he evn got here. He has said that he should not have gotten married so soon, that he was not ready. He has also told me he is not in love with me. He cares for me but does not have that passionate feeling cause I do not bring it out of him. So in turn he gets very angry with me cause he feels its my fault that he does not have that feeling. Is it my fault. Am i doing something wrong? I wear sexy lingerie to spice things up, and he hardly comments says "oh you always do that". So then i feel me doing that is not appreciated. I have found him looking at singles ads on the internet. He appologized for this, but not til after he saw how much it hurt me. He says its just curiosity as to what other people want and do in their relationships to see if there are things i should be doing for him in our relationship to bring that loving feeling back.

I have been left to feel inadequate. Unsexy. Not beautiful. Hopeless in this marriage, and as if I cannot even keep my man happy or satisfied enough to continue loving me. Like I do not deserve love until he is fully satisfied. At the same time I feel like, yes I can do more in the relationship yet I am doing SO MUCH as it is now, and its feels as though its in vain an he does not appreciate it.

He says he is unhappy cause he does not love me and that he feel unfullfilled in the relationship and that he cannot give me more until i give him more....is that fair? I am not sure?

He has put me down by saying that I am not womanly, too "loose", not affectionate towards him, that i had odor once..over a year ago when we had sex. Says that it was a mistake to marry me, that he is not in love with me, and that I am the sole reason he is not happy. I have driven him to be curious to other women on singles sites. As you can see this is crushing to a womans spirit, sexuality, and confidence, and makes it that much harder to keep giving and doing for him, especially when he says that he knows he's wrong but cant give me anything more until I make him feel better in the relationship first.

I am not sure how to feel. Is this normal for people to go thru these things in marriage? Should I just toughen up after all he has said and done to me and try to move past it and continue to give him love in hopes that this will spark him to love me back? Should I seperate from him, and let him miss what he truly has in me? I am a good woman. I would do anything for my husband yet I am feeling very foolish for thinking this way when he makes me feel so bad. I dont want to be stupid and naive so I ask your opinions. Is this right?

I wanted a marriage and future family of our own. A partnership. I feel like all I am getting is a list of demands and anxiety. I feel like I walk on egg shells with him hoping that when I see joy in his face that it will last. I am really lonely in this marriage and sad and disappointed. I am starting to think he was right and that we should not have gotten married. But now we are and i want to fix it but dont know if it is fixable.

Please help.

[thedreamgl 0]

One more thing: if you separate, I would suggest separating here, in the US, not letting him go back. Couple of reasons:

1. If it's the problem of finding his identity in the new country, it would never get fixed in his own.

2. The home would feel like haven to him, as everything is familiar. That would not help the cause.

3. If you do indeed decide to end the marriage, getting to someone in another country is that more difficult.

Another couple of suggestions: get your husband to start looking for a job and get employment ASAP. If his English is not good, have him work with people of his discent.Have him earn the $$ to start getting his self-worth. If the English is an issue, have him join college and start taking classes or hire a tutor.

Go out with your family and girlfriends.. Let him figure out how to get yourself fed.. Have him meet your friends, especially couples. See if they can start becoming his friends.

Don't be an open book. Go to a lawyer, determine a course of action if you decide to get divorced. Usually, abuse cases are treated differently. Start a notebook where you list all abuse cases and dates.

Get a safe haven in case violence escalates.

Good luck!!