My Marriage is in Trouble

[cEzYcHiC 0]

I guess you're better off divorcing him.

We all wanted to be happy because life is too short.

And there is no reason for you to still be on that marriage.

Its going one-sided. You're the only one who is loving him now.

And the fact that he is verbally abusing you.

Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

My advise is that tell him that you already had enough of him and will leave him.

I guess both of you are better off being apart rather than trying to make the marriage work which is clearly not giving good results.

[Simply_Uno 1]

Hello All,

Thanks for repsonding so quickly. I was sitting waiting for someone to respond cause I feel so lost and unable to talk to anyone about this. You help me alot.

Yes I do feel like its psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. I can say, I am not perfect....but I really am not a bad woman at all. I try to give 100% of my ability and sometimes 100% may only look like 50% but at least I am giving my all while aware that i can give more. From being on VJ, I have read the horror stories of being used and I often times think that maybe this is my case. I dont want that to be but i realy dont understand how things can go so sour so fast. I keep looking to myself wondering if I am doing something wrong and not being like other wives. Thats why I ask you all if this is normal. I am embarrassed to talk to family cause they all thought i was stupid to marry him cause we met in his country and they thought he would use me, or they made judgements that men from his country and controlling to women and mean and that he wanted a GC. I defended him to the death. I am a very attractive woman. Have no problem meeting men, so he did not charm me in any way, I just really like his personality, he was attractive, he shared my views on our faith and seemed like someone who was very passionate. But now...its all changed. I feel like a horrible ugly woman....never felt that in ly life. I walk around thinking I am not pretty, and that I cannot keep a husband and that I dont deserve love. Is he using me or did he really fall so out of love so quickly?

LOVE DOESN"T HURT

^^^^^^^^^^this says it all^^^^^^^^^

[nunyab 0]

please please please...... it is hard to hear this but please take care of YOU... stop with him any choices he makes he makes for himself not for YOU he will not look out for your interests you need to find people to surround you that loves YOU!. If that requires moving in with family or friends you need this right now.

IF there is a future with this marriage he needs to work on it as much as you do but please please please listen and know i speak from experience noone will help you until you help yourself (which is what i think you're doing by posting) now the next step is acting on it (surround yourself with the love and support you deserve right now). Then you will be able to handle and deal with the next steps.

I am only a PM away if you need someone to talk to

~Rajaa

[STEPHnRIA 2]

Don't walk away. RUN. And fast!

[sara..... 371]

please please please...... it is hard to hear this but please take care of YOU... stop with him any choices he makes he makes for himself not for YOU he will not look out for your interests you need to find people to surround you that loves YOU!. If that requires moving in with family or friends you need this right now.

IF there is a future with this marriage he needs to work on it as much as you do but please please please listen and know i speak from experience noone will help you until you help yourself (which is what i think you're doing by posting) now the next step is acting on it (surround yourself with the love and support you deserve right now). Then you will be able to handle and deal with the next steps.

I am only a PM away if you need someone to talk to

~Rajaa

[katerinak 0]

Hello All,

Thanks for repsonding so quickly. I was sitting waiting for someone to respond cause I feel so lost and unable to talk to anyone about this. You help me alot.

Yes I do feel like its psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. I can say, I am not perfect....but I really am not a bad woman at all. I try to give 100% of my ability and sometimes 100% may only look like 50% but at least I am giving my all while aware that i can give more. From being on VJ, I have read the horror stories of being used and I often times think that maybe this is my case. I dont want that to be but i realy dont understand how things can go so sour so fast. I keep looking to myself wondering if I am doing something wrong and not being like other wives. Thats why I ask you all if this is normal. I am embarrassed to talk to family cause they all thought i was stupid to marry him cause we met in his country and they thought he would use me, or they made judgements that men from his country and controlling to women and mean and that he wanted a GC. I defended him to the death. I am a very attractive woman. Have no problem meeting men, so he did not charm me in any way, I just really like his personality, he was attractive, he shared my views on our faith and seemed like someone who was very passionate. But now...its all changed. I feel like a horrible ugly woman....never felt that in ly life. I walk around thinking I am not pretty, and that I cannot keep a husband and that I dont deserve love. Is he using me or did he really fall so out of love so quickly?

Sounds to me this men is using you to get here and get his papers. Ussualy this kind of people get papers and live. I onestly think you should let him go, because longer you will be with this men it will be more difficult and you will have more problems with him. I belive you will be able to find a better men who will love you for what you're and he will think you're beautiful. All he tells you and do to you sound like an insalt,emotional abuse and physical abuse. Don't ruine your life because of him. Good luck

[panterchen 1]

If my S/O would talk to me like your husband does, I would immediately stop being nice to him not to even mention having sex with that man.

He is abusing you, he is cruel to you and no one deserves to be treated this way. Love not only depends on sex but what you share with each other, which is more than sex I hope. Love, among so many other things, is also about having respect for each other which I don't think he has. If you don't like oral sex then whatever (just as an example). He probably knew that before your marriage and it is not fair to blame this now for a bad marriage. Love means respecting your feelings and values incl. dislikes for particular sexual practices. If my S/O wouldn't like certain things, I would just try ten thousand other things. Hey, there is such a variety that I am sure you can find things that both of you like.

It sounds to me that he is a mena man who expects everything from you but is not ready to give anything in return. I think you deserve respect for what you are doing; helping you two stay alive by working, keeping up with the chores and trying to make him happy etc. The least he could do is to be appreciative- which he is not.

I would make a clear statement to this man that he needs to grow up and also needs to work on this relationship and is definition of 'love'.

I suggest you run as fast as you can and get some help. Even if he would change, I doubt that I would ever be able to have a sexual relationship with this man again who calls himself a 'husband' when all he does is treating you bad. Throw him out of your house! This man is abusive and self-centered and doesn't deserve any woman at all.

[katerinak 0]

Hello All,

Thanks for repsonding so quickly. I was sitting waiting for someone to respond cause I feel so lost and unable to talk to anyone about this. You help me alot.

Yes I do feel like its psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. I can say, I am not perfect....but I really am not a bad woman at all. I try to give 100% of my ability and sometimes 100% may only look like 50% but at least I am giving my all while aware that i can give more. From being on VJ, I have read the horror stories of being used and I often times think that maybe this is my case. I dont want that to be but i realy dont understand how things can go so sour so fast. I keep looking to myself wondering if I am doing something wrong and not being like other wives. Thats why I ask you all if this is normal. I am embarrassed to talk to family cause they all thought i was stupid to marry him cause we met in his country and they thought he would use me, or they made judgements that men from his country and controlling to women and mean and that he wanted a GC. I defended him to the death. I am a very attractive woman. Have no problem meeting men, so he did not charm me in any way, I just really like his personality, he was attractive, he shared my views on our faith and seemed like someone who was very passionate. But now...its all changed. I feel like a horrible ugly woman....never felt that in ly life. I walk around thinking I am not pretty, and that I cannot keep a husband and that I dont deserve love. Is he using me or did he really fall so out of love so quickly?

Sounds to me this man is using you to get here and get his papers. Ussualy this kind of people get papers and live. I onestly think you should let him go, because longer you will be with this man it will hurt you more and will be more difficult for you and you. I belive you will be able to find a better men who will love you for what you're and he will think you're beautiful. All he tells you and do to you sound like an insalt,emotional abuse and physical abuse. Don't ruine your life because of him. Good luck

[joelunchbox 0]

"No he is not a MENA man, but he is from a developing country where women are known to do above and beyond for their men, and men are still known to stray. I guess he does not see me as being this person who's sole life is to make him happy....which is how most women in his country are because they do not work, just stay home with kids, cook clean, satisfy in the bedroom...even if they know their man in cheating...they evntually take him back."

Wow, this sounds like he is from USA.......

My goodness, don't settle for this. If he hasn't discovered the joy of washing dishes and having dinner ready for the breadwinner, then he is missing out on some very nice rewards!!

Marriage counseling--but be prepared to accept what is said. And you can go even if he won't.

Good luck, you sound like quite a find. HOpe someone--maybe him--discovers you.

[chavelle 6]

I hate to jump to conclusions, but from what you've written here my gut is telling me that he was not invested in this marriage from the start and is now trying to create the illusion that the marriage has turned bad and somehow that is your fault.

I would tell you to run before you take any more blows to your self-esteem.

On the money!!!

[Kajikit 65]

I'm sorry... but all the alarm bells are going off when I read the first post in this thread. No it is NOT 'normal' for a husband to tell his wife he doesn't love her any more just because she won't do exactly what he thinks she should... it sounds like you are trying your heart out to make him happy, but nothing is ever good enough for him. If this marriage is going to be saved, it's going to take work from both of you.

[tallcoolone 102]

I would tell him to Pack Sand.

Kick his ### out of the house, file for anullment.

The longer you stay the dumber it will make you look in the long run, and them more hurt you will be.

Cut ties today.......

I always tell people, if your fighting before marriage it wont be long after marriage it will get worse.

Edited December 16, 2008 by tallcoolone

[MGG032589 0]

LEAVE THAT MAN ASAP...

no women either ugly or fat, beautiful or thin should be treated like that. god makes people go through mistakes so they can learn from them. and this is what your marriage is... a mistake. a mistake you will learn from to make you a better and stronger woman. no one should be humilated the way you are. in my opinion maybe you are not sexually freaky or exciting because he doesnt inspire that in you. how can you enjoy or make somehting more interesting if he doesnt make it for you. sex is somehting done by 2 persons not one.. leave him... you will sure find someone better in your life. no doubt about that!!

[conquest 0]

This comes form some on who was in a marraige just like that for 25 years. If it is in fact like that RUN!!!! get out dont waist your time. If you think that counseling will help then go but if its apparent after a couple of times that nothing will be different then Get your ducks in a row and get out. Life is too short to waist it in a bad relationship.

I have a new wife now and it is a beautiful relationship OMG!! there is no comparison if your mate doesnt love you you will spend a life of misery and hell. You are just getting started dont waist any more time that is my opinion

[~♥Fariha~♥~Zain♥~ 0]

I agree with the other poster, this is certainly psychological abuse. Do not deal with it any longer, if I were you I would just leave him.He does not deserve to be here in USA. If you love him and want to put up with his abuse then you need to seek marriage therapy. I know many women who have been with men that say these kind of harsh words and in the end the man was cheating on the lady. The marriage is surely in trouble, if I were you I'd send him back to his country. Otherwise you have toget marriage therapy ASAP! No man who is married to you should be disrespecting you and telling you all of these things to make you feellike you are less of a woman. Tell him how it makes you feel and see if he changes. I wish you luck! Pray to God over this situation. You can find a man who will love you the way you are. Why let this man get the best of you? Move on..though it may hurt in the beginning, the final result is so much brighter. He is causing you too much pain. If you can, get him to go to a religious center with you. If anyone can help it is God. Good luck to you!

Fariha

Hello All,

Here's my background:

I have been a member of VJ for about 2 years now. I changed my screen name and account to be annonymous and also my husband knew about my last screen name and reviewed those posts on here so I wanted to be able to freely write without him knowing.

We met 2 years ago, married after little less than a year of first meeting. Petitioned thru CR1 and now he is here about 2 months. Before he came we have had issues and arguments. My husband says I am not affectionate, or loving or nuturing like a woman should be. I dont agree completely with him. I dont think i am a mushy mushy type but i do love him and show him affection. Holding his hand in public walking arm and arm. Going up to him for hugs, wanting to spend lots of time with him. I currently am the only one working cause he is new here. He comes from a country where the US dollar was far higher than his own so I visited him in his country many times before he came. I work everyday and have major stress with deadlines yet I make sure to call him throughout the day. I come home at a decent hour and cook cause he does not do that most days. I cook for him serve his food, keep a clean and homely house, give him money weekly, talk to him about his day and mine, and before we started having such problems, we had sex at least 4 times a week...some days I was just emotionally and physically spent. He says none of this matter if he is not happy with me.

He says he is not happy with me cause he is not in love with me. He is not in love with me cause I am not affectionate enough for him. I do not have "freaky" sex everytime we have sex. His idea of freaky is different positions and oral. Ok I can do that no problem, but its a learning vurve for me. Should he make me feel like i am horrible in bed if I am not having this freaky sex. If we do it often but just not to his likening everytime. Shouldnt I be comfortable during such an act of making love to my husband?

He has threatened divorce about 5 times in the course of our marriage. 2 times before he evn got here. He has said that he should not have gotten married so soon, that he was not ready. He has also told me he is not in love with me. He cares for me but does not have that passionate feeling cause I do not bring it out of him. So in turn he gets very angry with me cause he feels its my fault that he does not have that feeling. Is it my fault. Am i doing something wrong? I wear sexy lingerie to spice things up, and he hardly comments says "oh you always do that". So then i feel me doing that is not appreciated. I have found him looking at singles ads on the internet. He appologized for this, but not til after he saw how much it hurt me. He says its just curiosity as to what other people want and do in their relationships to see if there are things i should be doing for him in our relationship to bring that loving feeling back.

I have been left to feel inadequate. Unsexy. Not beautiful. Hopeless in this marriage, and as if I cannot even keep my man happy or satisfied enough to continue loving me. Like I do not deserve love until he is fully satisfied. At the same time I feel like, yes I can do more in the relationship yet I am doing SO MUCH as it is now, and its feels as though its in vain an he does not appreciate it.

He says he is unhappy cause he does not love me and that he feel unfullfilled in the relationship and that he cannot give me more until i give him more....is that fair? I am not sure?

He has put me down by saying that I am not womanly, too "loose", not affectionate towards him, that i had odor once..over a year ago when we had sex. Says that it was a mistake to marry me, that he is not in love with me, and that I am the sole reason he is not happy. I have driven him to be curious to other women on singles sites. As you can see this is crushing to a womans spirit, sexuality, and confidence, and makes it that much harder to keep giving and doing for him, especially when he says that he knows he's wrong but cant give me anything more until I make him feel better in the relationship first.

I am not sure how to feel. Is this normal for people to go thru these things in marriage? Should I just toughen up after all he has said and done to me and try to move past it and continue to give him love in hopes that this will spark him to love me back? Should I seperate from him, and let him miss what he truly has in me? I am a good woman. I would do anything for my husband yet I am feeling very foolish for thinking this way when he makes me feel so bad. I dont want to be stupid and naive so I ask your opinions. Is this right?

I wanted a marriage and future family of our own. A partnership. I feel like all I am getting is a list of demands and anxiety. I feel like I walk on egg shells with him hoping that when I see joy in his face that it will last. I am really lonely in this marriage and sad and disappointed. I am starting to think he was right and that we should not have gotten married. But now we are and i want to fix it but dont know if it is fixable.

Please help.

Edited December 16, 2008 by ~♥Fariha~♥~Zain♥~