My Marriage is in Trouble

[jawi876 2]

I tire rather easily with missionary/standard sexual positions...but I am not cruel and heartless when I want to kick it up a notch. It sounds like you really do harbor some dislike for oral sex. Are you both performing oral sex or does he want to be the only one to receive? I honestly believe your sexual life is HARDLY the problem between you. It is much deeper, and he is only shuffling dirt over the real issues to avoid dealing with it.

When he mentioned that he married too early or was considering divorce before he got here, how did you respond? Did you dismiss it, or persuade him to reconsider? Did you convince him that you both loved each other and it would work out?

I'm really concerned that he has mentioned divorce 5 times in a year of marriage. When you tell someone that you do not love them, or never loved them; it is really hard to rebuild trust and love from that point. It would leave me wondering if I could truly trust anything he said to me from that point forward.

... and makes it difficult to want to be "freaky" and spontaneous and experimentative in bed, if you are feeling down and not loved.

So true...but that's why I said I don't think this has anything to do with their love life or lackthereof for freaky lovemaking.

[Sunshine9 0]

Hi,

Please go to marriage counseling. They are amazing, and help you to make a decision.

Good luck,

Sunshine

Hello All,

Here's my background:

I have been a member of VJ for about 2 years now. I changed my screen name and account to be annonymous and also my husband knew about my last screen name and reviewed those posts on here so I wanted to be able to freely write without him knowing.

We met 2 years ago, married after little less than a year of first meeting. Petitioned thru CR1 and now he is here about 2 months. Before he came we have had issues and arguments. My husband says I am not affectionate, or loving or nuturing like a woman should be. I dont agree completely with him. I dont think i am a mushy mushy type but i do love him and show him affection. Holding his hand in public walking arm and arm. Going up to him for hugs, wanting to spend lots of time with him. I currently am the only one working cause he is new here. He comes from a country where the US dollar was far higher than his own so I visited him in his country many times before he came. I work everyday and have major stress with deadlines yet I make sure to call him throughout the day. I come home at a decent hour and cook cause he does not do that most days. I cook for him serve his food, keep a clean and homely house, give him money weekly, talk to him about his day and mine, and before we started having such problems, we had sex at least 4 times a week...some days I was just emotionally and physically spent. He says none of this matter if he is not happy with me.

He says he is not happy with me cause he is not in love with me. He is not in love with me cause I am not affectionate enough for him. I do not have "freaky" sex everytime we have sex. His idea of freaky is different positions and oral. Ok I can do that no problem, but its a learning vurve for me. Should he make me feel like i am horrible in bed if I am not having this freaky sex. If we do it often but just not to his likening everytime. Shouldnt I be comfortable during such an act of making love to my husband?

He has threatened divorce about 5 times in the course of our marriage. 2 times before he evn got here. He has said that he should not have gotten married so soon, that he was not ready. He has also told me he is not in love with me. He cares for me but does not have that passionate feeling cause I do not bring it out of him. So in turn he gets very angry with me cause he feels its my fault that he does not have that feeling. Is it my fault. Am i doing something wrong? I wear sexy lingerie to spice things up, and he hardly comments says "oh you always do that". So then i feel me doing that is not appreciated. I have found him looking at singles ads on the internet. He appologized for this, but not til after he saw how much it hurt me. He says its just curiosity as to what other people want and do in their relationships to see if there are things i should be doing for him in our relationship to bring that loving feeling back.

I have been left to feel inadequate. Unsexy. Not beautiful. Hopeless in this marriage, and as if I cannot even keep my man happy or satisfied enough to continue loving me. Like I do not deserve love until he is fully satisfied. At the same time I feel like, yes I can do more in the relationship yet I am doing SO MUCH as it is now, and its feels as though its in vain an he does not appreciate it.

He says he is unhappy cause he does not love me and that he feel unfullfilled in the relationship and that he cannot give me more until i give him more....is that fair? I am not sure?

He has put me down by saying that I am not womanly, too "loose", not affectionate towards him, that i had odor once..over a year ago when we had sex. Says that it was a mistake to marry me, that he is not in love with me, and that I am the sole reason he is not happy. I have driven him to be curious to other women on singles sites. As you can see this is crushing to a womans spirit, sexuality, and confidence, and makes it that much harder to keep giving and doing for him, especially when he says that he knows he's wrong but cant give me anything more until I make him feel better in the relationship first.

I am not sure how to feel. Is this normal for people to go thru these things in marriage? Should I just toughen up after all he has said and done to me and try to move past it and continue to give him love in hopes that this will spark him to love me back? Should I seperate from him, and let him miss what he truly has in me? I am a good woman. I would do anything for my husband yet I am feeling very foolish for thinking this way when he makes me feel so bad. I dont want to be stupid and naive so I ask your opinions. Is this right?

I wanted a marriage and future family of our own. A partnership. I feel like all I am getting is a list of demands and anxiety. I feel like I walk on egg shells with him hoping that when I see joy in his face that it will last. I am really lonely in this marriage and sad and disappointed. I am starting to think he was right and that we should not have gotten married. But now we are and i want to fix it but dont know if it is fixable.

Please help.

[faryan 4]

I tire rather easily with missionary/standard sexual positions...but I am not cruel and heartless when I want to kick it up a notch. It sounds like you really do harbor some dislike for oral sex. Are you both performing oral sex or does he want to be the only one to receive? I honestly believe your sexual life is HARDLY the problem between you. It is much deeper, and he is only shuffling dirt over the real issues to avoid dealing with it.

When he mentioned that he married too early or was considering divorce before he got here, how did you respond? Did you dismiss it, or persuade him to reconsider? Did you convince him that you both loved each other and it would work out?

I'm really concerned that he has mentioned divorce 5 times in a year of marriage. When you tell someone that you do not love them, or never loved them; it is really hard to rebuild trust and love from that point. It would leave me wondering if I could truly trust anything he said to me from that point forward.

... and makes it difficult to want to be "freaky" and spontaneous and experimentative in bed, if you are feeling down and not loved.

So true...but that's why I said I don't think this has anything to do with their love life or lackthereof for freaky lovemaking.

I was totally agreeing with you Jawi.... and added the line as addendum to your final paragraph.. hehehe

Edited December 16, 2008 by faryan

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

I tire rather easily with missionary/standard sexual positions...but I am not cruel and heartless when I want to kick it up a notch. It sounds like you really do harbor some dislike for oral sex. Are you both performing oral sex or does he want to be the only one to receive? I honestly believe your sexual life is HARDLY the problem between you. It is much deeper, and he is only shuffling dirt over the real issues to avoid dealing with it.

When he mentioned that he married too early or was considering divorce before he got here, how did you respond? Did you dismiss it, or persuade him to reconsider? Did you convince him that you both loved each other and it would work out?

I'm really concerned that he has mentioned divorce 5 times in a year of marriage. When you tell someone that you do not love them, or never loved them; it is really hard to rebuild trust and love from that point. It would leave me wondering if I could truly trust anything he said to me from that point forward.

I was hurt when he said this. I couldnt see how he could conclude a divorce was needed before we even really began the marriage. Honsetly I thought he was being selfish at the time and immature for thinking that so early on. I told him we need to start living as a normal couple and really getting used to one another. I really dont know how to convince him that we love one another. I tell him that I still love him, even after he hurts me cause i can remember the better days and I can have hope for what is to come, but I really dont know how to make him see this for himself. I do have major trust issues with him now. I feel I cant beileve what he says. Even after the many times he said he is not in love, just this weekend he said that he didnt mean that and that he just says bad things cause he's so confused by what he feels. But this doenst take away that I heard my husband say he does not love me.

[It's me 1]

You are in my prayers

[jawi876 2]

I tire rather easily with missionary/standard sexual positions...but I am not cruel and heartless when I want to kick it up a notch. It sounds like you really do harbor some dislike for oral sex. Are you both performing oral sex or does he want to be the only one to receive? I honestly believe your sexual life is HARDLY the problem between you. It is much deeper, and he is only shuffling dirt over the real issues to avoid dealing with it.

When he mentioned that he married too early or was considering divorce before he got here, how did you respond? Did you dismiss it, or persuade him to reconsider? Did you convince him that you both loved each other and it would work out?

I'm really concerned that he has mentioned divorce 5 times in a year of marriage. When you tell someone that you do not love them, or never loved them; it is really hard to rebuild trust and love from that point. It would leave me wondering if I could truly trust anything he said to me from that point forward.

I was hurt when he said this. I couldnt see how he could conclude a divorce was needed before we even really began the marriage. Honsetly I thought he was being selfish at the time and immature for thinking that so early on. I told him we need to start living as a normal couple and really getting used to one another. I really dont know how to convince him that we love one another. I tell him that I still love him, even after he hurts me cause i can remember the better days and I can have hope for what is to come, but I really dont know how to make him see this for himself. I do have major trust issues with him now. I feel I cant beileve what he says. Even after the many times he said he is not in love, just this weekend he said that he didnt mean that and that he just says bad things cause he's so confused by what he feels. But this doenst take away that I heard my husband say he does not love me.

This is a horrible way to start a new life together. However, it doesn't mean that it is not possible to save your marriage. I would suggest that you guys seek counseling with your pastor. It may also be beneficial for him to go back home, and truly evaluate whether he wants this marriage or not. One thing holds true, you CANNOT make someone love you if they don't. I think there is some truth to him saying he doesn't love you. It could be that he doesn't feel he truly knows you, or maybe he had a fantasy ideal of who you were while on vacation in his country. Now, he has to deal with your "real life" persona that is sometimes tired, haggard, stressed, overworked, undervalued and not as relaxed and carefree.

I think your issues are too big for the advice from VJ members...seek counseling together...quickly.

[Old Dominion 26]

Yes, a pastor or professional counselor will help a great deal. It is hard for a person to love anyone if he dislikes himself, and it seems that he suffers from low self-esteem and won't admit it. Anyway, you deserve much better than living this way.

[faryan 4]

I've been there before in my previous relationship. Trying to convince your partner that you love each other, that it will work out. We go on a cycle of yes we do and we're just having a bad patch. Over and over that I forget the actual problem that we had (not ideologically as well as emotionally compatible) and too concentrated with the part of trying to convince him and then myself. Needless to say it was a very emotionally tiring couple of years in my early 20s. So your husband said he is confused hence acting out the way he did in the pattern that is of his choosing, a mean one. As what another poster said, counseling might help unearth/address/get to the bottom of this. but it doesnt mean that what he did is not hurtful and that u should/could forgive and forget.

I agree with Awakening earlier on when he/she said that love doesnt hurt. or rather shouldnt hurt. it doesnt and shouldnt. trials and tribulations come of course and that hurts, but love doesnt and shouldnt. in your case, your loved one hurts you.

I tire rather easily with missionary/standard sexual positions...but I am not cruel and heartless when I want to kick it up a notch. It sounds like you really do harbor some dislike for oral sex. Are you both performing oral sex or does he want to be the only one to receive? I honestly believe your sexual life is HARDLY the problem between you. It is much deeper, and he is only shuffling dirt over the real issues to avoid dealing with it.

When he mentioned that he married too early or was considering divorce before he got here, how did you respond? Did you dismiss it, or persuade him to reconsider? Did you convince him that you both loved each other and it would work out?

I'm really concerned that he has mentioned divorce 5 times in a year of marriage. When you tell someone that you do not love them, or never loved them; it is really hard to rebuild trust and love from that point. It would leave me wondering if I could truly trust anything he said to me from that point forward.

I was hurt when he said this. I couldnt see how he could conclude a divorce was needed before we even really began the marriage. Honsetly I thought he was being selfish at the time and immature for thinking that so early on. I told him we need to start living as a normal couple and really getting used to one another. I really dont know how to convince him that we love one another. I tell him that I still love him, even after he hurts me cause i can remember the better days and I can have hope for what is to come, but I really dont know how to make him see this for himself. I do have major trust issues with him now. I feel I cant beileve what he says. Even after the many times he said he is not in love, just this weekend he said that he didnt mean that and that he just says bad things cause he's so confused by what he feels. But this doenst take away that I heard my husband say he does not love me.

[faryan 4]

ok, was trying to add that i think my earlier post should've gone before jawi's and old dominion's.

i agree that if you are looking for a solution/resolution to your situation with your husband, this is perhaps beyond what we at VJ can offer you, as what we can do is just listen, share our thoughts and experience, and solidarity with you. counseling or lawyer might offer you more precise assistance. but definitely, we are here to listen.

[Ban Hammer 13,109]

Hello All,

Thanks for repsonding so quickly. I was sitting waiting for someone to respond cause I feel so lost and unable to talk to anyone about this. You help me alot.

Yes I do feel like its psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. I can say, I am not perfect....but I really am not a bad woman at all. I try to give 100% of my ability and sometimes 100% may only look like 50% but at least I am giving my all while aware that i can give more. From being on VJ, I have read the horror stories of being used and I often times think that maybe this is my case. I dont want that to be but i realy dont understand how things can go so sour so fast. I keep looking to myself wondering if I am doing something wrong and not being like other wives. Thats why I ask you all if this is normal. I am embarrassed to talk to family cause they all thought i was stupid to marry him cause we met in his country and they thought he would use me, or they made judgements that men from his country and controlling to women and mean and that he wanted a GC. I defended him to the death. I am a very attractive woman. Have no problem meeting men, so he did not charm me in any way, I just really like his personality, he was attractive, he shared my views on our faith and seemed like someone who was very passionate. But now...its all changed. I feel like a horrible ugly woman....never felt that in ly life. I walk around thinking I am not pretty, and that I cannot keep a husband and that I dont deserve love. Is he using me or did he really fall so out of love so quickly?

LOVE DOESN"T HURT

[F23 0]

Hello All,

Here's my background:

I have been a member of VJ for about 2 years now. I changed my screen name and account to be annonymous and also my husband knew about my last screen name and reviewed those posts on here so I wanted to be able to freely write without him knowing.

We met 2 years ago, married after little less than a year of first meeting. Petitioned thru CR1 and now he is here about 2 months. Before he came we have had issues and arguments. My husband says I am not affectionate, or loving or nuturing like a woman should be. I dont agree completely with him. I dont think i am a mushy mushy type but i do love him and show him affection. Holding his hand in public walking arm and arm. Going up to him for hugs, wanting to spend lots of time with him. I currently am the only one working cause he is new here. He comes from a country where the US dollar was far higher than his own so I visited him in his country many times before he came. I work everyday and have major stress with deadlines yet I make sure to call him throughout the day. I come home at a decent hour and cook cause he does not do that most days. I cook for him serve his food, keep a clean and homely house, give him money weekly, talk to him about his day and mine, and before we started having such problems, we had sex at least 4 times a week...some days I was just emotionally and physically spent. He says none of this matter if he is not happy with me.

He says he is not happy with me cause he is not in love with me. He is not in love with me cause I am not affectionate enough for him. I do not have "freaky" sex everytime we have sex. His idea of freaky is different positions and oral. Ok I can do that no problem, but its a learning vurve for me. Should he make me feel like i am horrible in bed if I am not having this freaky sex. If we do it often but just not to his likening everytime. Shouldnt I be comfortable during such an act of making love to my husband?

He has threatened divorce about 5 times in the course of our marriage. 2 times before he evn got here. He has said that he should not have gotten married so soon, that he was not ready. He has also told me he is not in love with me. He cares for me but does not have that passionate feeling cause I do not bring it out of him. So in turn he gets very angry with me cause he feels its my fault that he does not have that feeling. Is it my fault. Am i doing something wrong? I wear sexy lingerie to spice things up, and he hardly comments says "oh you always do that". So then i feel me doing that is not appreciated. I have found him looking at singles ads on the internet. He appologized for this, but not til after he saw how much it hurt me. He says its just curiosity as to what other people want and do in their relationships to see if there are things i should be doing for him in our relationship to bring that loving feeling back.

I have been left to feel inadequate. Unsexy. Not beautiful. Hopeless in this marriage, and as if I cannot even keep my man happy or satisfied enough to continue loving me. Like I do not deserve love until he is fully satisfied. At the same time I feel like, yes I can do more in the relationship yet I am doing SO MUCH as it is now, and its feels as though its in vain an he does not appreciate it.

He says he is unhappy cause he does not love me and that he feel unfullfilled in the relationship and that he cannot give me more until i give him more....is that fair? I am not sure?

He has put me down by saying that I am not womanly, too "loose", not affectionate towards him, that i had odor once..over a year ago when we had sex. Says that it was a mistake to marry me, that he is not in love with me, and that I am the sole reason he is not happy. I have driven him to be curious to other women on singles sites. As you can see this is crushing to a womans spirit, sexuality, and confidence, and makes it that much harder to keep giving and doing for him, especially when he says that he knows he's wrong but cant give me anything more until I make him feel better in the relationship first.

I am not sure how to feel. Is this normal for people to go thru these things in marriage? Should I just toughen up after all he has said and done to me and try to move past it and continue to give him love in hopes that this will spark him to love me back? Should I seperate from him, and let him miss what he truly has in me? I am a good woman. I would do anything for my husband yet I am feeling very foolish for thinking this way when he makes me feel so bad. I dont want to be stupid and naive so I ask your opinions. Is this right?

I wanted a marriage and future family of our own. A partnership. I feel like all I am getting is a list of demands and anxiety. I feel like I walk on egg shells with him hoping that when I see joy in his face that it will last. I am really lonely in this marriage and sad and disappointed. I am starting to think he was right and that we should not have gotten married. But now we are and i want to fix it but dont know if it is fixable.

Please help.

Find another man that who can make you comfortable and love you as what you are...there's still alot there, no need to be like a slave in your own self.

[emmajr 0]

You said at one point in this thread "he says he cannot give until I make him feel better in the relationship." That statement of his, as well as other things he has said to you are extremely manipulative and (in my opinion) are said to make you feel bad, like it's your fault. Lots of finger pointing and an inability to look at one self to see how he could make some changes to help make the relationship work. I say this because I was with a man for 10 years that treated me the way your husband is treating you. I don't feel like I can tell you what you should do, but I can tell you that what you have described is not normal behavior, even if he did just start living here 2 months ago. I wish you the best in figuring this out.

[merlie 0]

when you have the chance im me at ym merlie022367. I will share you some info and views.

cheer up girl you are smart and besides you were not alone in this kind of battle

[braveheart1 0]

Sweet Seoul, I don't have advice either...I just hope things work out in both your interests...I feel that a man who says these words demeans not only his wife but himself - bible says to love your wife as yourself.

God bless and LOADS of hugs... one for every moment your need one...and I ask God to spread his protection wings around your home....

[childress_london 3]

Take it from someone who was in an emotionally abusive and adulterous marriage for WAY too long...it will only get worse. I tried for many years to fix my marriage, going to lengths such as the ones you are going to, with no success and always feeling worse and worse about myself. When you said you always walk on eggshells that really hit home for me, because that is how I felt for our entire marriage. I stayed for my kids, but ultimately ended up hurting them more in the process. My advice is to grasp onto what little self esteem you have left and walk away from this abusive man before he completely destroys your spirit and your happiness. No one deserves to go through these things. This is a problem with HIM and only HE can fix it...nothing you ever do will be able to fix it for him. You WILL find love again, and you will find it with someone who loves you just as much as you love him, and who fulfills you as much as you fulfill him! I was alone for 7 years. It was discouraging at times, but ultimately I found the love of my life. Keep your head up and be strong! So sorry you have to experience this. You are in my prayers...

I agree with what everyone is saying here. You are in an abusive relationship. There is nothing wrong with you. The problem is with him. Get out while you can and before the abuse gets even worse. Yes, it's a shame that you went through all that trouble to marry him and not listening to the advice of your family, but it's not worth it to stay in an abusive relationship that will destroy you mentally, and later on probably physically. Everything he is telling you about you and your sex life is not true and is just an excuse to make himself feel better about abusing you, because in his mind, it's your fault he is treating you so badly. This is a classic abusive relationship. If you are still not sure after reading the comments here, I strongly urge you to go to a counselor or therapist if you can and get professional advice. Be strong. Good luck.