My Marriage is in Trouble

[wakeywakeup 1]

True, but being devil's advocate, maybe one party's faith is an inhibittion in the sexual relationship.

I can imagine the fear of uncertainty you are facing. When my husband came to the states we had major adjustment issues. Mostly having different likes and what not... and it scared the He## out of me because I thought things should be perfect the way we'd both talked about on the phone. I don't know if i can give you advice because things naturally worked themselves out for me and hubby after a month..

You mentioned that you and he are of the same faith. Has that changed? Perhaps this is the door to use to get him to see how he is treating you is cruel and insensitive. Will he go to worship services with you? Do you think he believes his behavior is an example of his faith and religious beliefs. Does your beliefs make you feel you should not consider divorce.

Hello.

Actually we are both Christian. And at times I think he uses this against me. By saying that if I was "truly" praying and putting the relationship to God then things would be better and change. So once again it was ME who was preventing him and us from having a better relationship cause I am not praying enough or right or whatever. So this is hard for me to think about cause of course it is cutting into my own personal realtionship with Jesus. How do you argue against that? I can pray more and believe that God will help us but now he makes it seem that I am not faithful to God too. I dont want to consider divorce....at least not this early in the marriage. Thats normal right? To want to keep fighting for the relationship and trying to come to an understanding.

The more I talk about this 'outloud' with you all the more I start to think that he is just making excuses.

Yes this sucks especially if he is using your faith against you but not against himself. You can't be a Christian and not look at yourself. It takes two people to make or break a marriage and it sounds like you've done all you can. I personally don't feel a woman should do everything to keep a happy home. It has to be both parties commited to the same goals. When you tell him you deserve better treatment how does he respond?

Oh yes I agree. Many people don't open up sexual because of their faith. However, marriage is the place to be open and vunerable. As long as you aren't putting yourself in a place of being unsafe.

You mentioned different positions and oral. Those don't seem freaky to me but normal. Do you think because you're unable to open up in those ways he is showing this anger towards you? I'm not excusing his behavior because if he married you he had to know you felt the way you did and should be offering to help you get more comfortable in that area.

[faryan 4]

Im very sorry if my tone of lingo is very harsh. I of course pray that you (OP) will find peace, and hopeful that this is just a phase that your husband going through. We all know that there's no black and white in anything especially not when it comes to relationship and marriage. And thus, it is often that there is no blanket way of how to approach things. Having a place/space to vent like here on VJ sometimes is a blessing, as often than not we dont want to portray to our family and friends that there's trouble in paradise (and i totally understand this, coz i myself never cry in front of them re this crazy visa journey of ours). However, I do stand by my opinion that you should be cautious, as well as to not let yourself be sucked into a cycle of self doubt and feeling that you dont measure up. This visa journey has seen all of us (USCs and beneficiaries) sacrificing one thing or another, and we all hope that we emerge triumphant and intact. It makes us sad, angry, etc. But still, one can be disappointed and upset by not resorting to mean ways. Repeatedly.

I can imagine the fear of uncertainty you are facing. When my husband came to the states we had major adjustment issues. Mostly having different likes and what not... and it scared the He## out of me because I thought things should be perfect the way we'd both talked about on the phone. I don't know if i can give you advice because things naturally worked themselves out for me and hubby after a month..

You mentioned that you and he are of the same faith. Has that changed? Perhaps this is the door to use to get him to see how he is treating you is cruel and insensitive. Will he go to worship services with you? Do you think he believes his behavior is an example of his faith and religious beliefs. Does your beliefs make you feel you should not consider divorce.

Hello.

Actually we are both Christian. And at times I think he uses this against me. By saying that if I was "truly" praying and putting the relationship to God then things would be better and change. So once again it was ME who was preventing him and us from having a better relationship cause I am not praying enough or right or whatever. So this is hard for me to think about cause of course it is cutting into my own personal realtionship with Jesus. How do you argue against that? I can pray more and believe that God will help us but now he makes it seem that I am not faithful to God too. I dont want to consider divorce....at least not this early in the marriage. Thats normal right? To want to keep fighting for the relationship and trying to come to an understanding.

The more I talk about this 'outloud' with you all the more I start to think that he is just making excuses.

Well it is normal to not want to consider divorce at this early stage. Of course you would still want to work on the relationship, coz thats what normal, hopeful, understanding, practical person do. But at the same time, do not gloss things over or excuse his abusive ways. If you let him and do that, you will only end up believing what he says and doubt yourself and be further immersed in the cycle of abuse. If there is any advice i can offer you as you try and work on this relationship, will be to not let your relationship with your family and friends falter/diminish. I do understand it if you do not want to 100% unload these thoughts and feelings you have re this relationship to your family and friends, but make sure u find a few people you can trust to talk to, so that they can look out for you. As for your relationship with your God, it is a personal one, and he is very mean (and twisted) to say the things he said. He is responsible of his own actions, and again putting blame on you and trying to strip your feeling of self worth. Be cautious, and be strong...

[jawi876 2]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this so early in marriage (well actual time living together). First, you have to step back and take back your own self-worth. Don't let this man or any other man devalue or demoralize you. God made you and He does not make mistakes EVER. You are special, unique and beautiful. Do not internalize his caustic words that are meant to alienate and destroy you. Abusers first destroy your support system, and make you rely entirely on them. Do not allow him or your fear of "I told you so" allow you to stop talking to your family. They have your best interest at heart regardless.

If you do not feel comfortable with certain sexual requests from your husband, don't feel bad about not honoring them. I'm sure he would not lessen his own comfort level by doing something he didn't feel comfortable with just because you requested it.

Stop jumping to respond to all his "stupid/childish" requests for you to prove your love and devotion. Make him prove his worth as your husband. Do not take a back seat to abuse. He is lacking as a man and husband, not the other way around.

[luv2uallday 1]

Hello All,

Thanks for repsonding so quickly. I was sitting waiting for someone to respond cause I feel so lost and unable to talk to anyone about this. You help me alot.

Yes I do feel like its psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. I can say, I am not perfect....but I really am not a bad woman at all. I try to give 100% of my ability and sometimes 100% may only look like 50% but at least I am giving my all while aware that i can give more. From being on VJ, I have read the horror stories of being used and I often times think that maybe this is my case. I dont want that to be but i realy dont understand how things can go so sour so fast. I keep looking to myself wondering if I am doing something wrong and not being like other wives. Thats why I ask you all if this is normal. I am embarrassed to talk to family cause they all thought i was stupid to marry him cause we met in his country and they thought he would use me, or they made judgements that men from his country and controlling to women and mean and that he wanted a GC. I defended him to the death. I am a very attractive woman. Have no problem meeting men, so he did not charm me in any way, I just really like his personality, he was attractive, he shared my views on our faith and seemed like someone who was very passionate. But now...its all changed. I feel like a horrible ugly woman....never felt that in ly life. I walk around thinking I am not pretty, and that I cannot keep a husband and that I dont deserve love. Is he using me or did he really fall so out of love so quickly?

LOVE DOESN"T HURT

your wrong LOVE DOES HURT every rose has it's thorn. Love cannot be tested without the pain that goes with it. if you say love never hurts then you have gone through a love that has yet to be tested and living in a dream world that will crash some day..

Now to this guy sounds like he's too imature childish.. its GIVE ME WHAT I WANT EXACTLY HOW I WANT or i will not be happy etc. Also it also sounds like you two had two different expectations of each other and when he found out love marriage doesn't work out like he thought it would in his picture perfect world he wants out.. If he wants this marriage to work he has to grow up first and be a man. Till that happens i'm sorry love will hurt for you.. But sooner or later you will move on and find happiness for yourself. And if this marriage fails you will find the right man for you... I just hope he will wake up from his dream world and realize how stupid he is acting..

[faryan 4]

I agree with Awakening and Diad. Mermaid on the sex part, and sex & faith/culture. In a loving marriage/relationship, sex is one way we communicate with our spouse. Not everyone gets in groove with our SO immediately in that department, no matter how experienced/or not we are. But a caring spouse and respectful spouse makes all the difference. A person cannot be pushed on one corner and be put blame on just because perhaps not accepting how he/she is treated in bed. In this case, if the husband wants the wife to want it the way he wants it, he should make it palatable for her, and invite her with love. Obviously, what he is doing is not working

True, but being devil's advocate, maybe one party's faith is an inhibittion in the sexual relationship.

I can imagine the fear of uncertainty you are facing. When my husband came to the states we had major adjustment issues. Mostly having different likes and what not... and it scared the He## out of me because I thought things should be perfect the way we'd both talked about on the phone. I don't know if i can give you advice because things naturally worked themselves out for me and hubby after a month..

You mentioned that you and he are of the same faith. Has that changed? Perhaps this is the door to use to get him to see how he is treating you is cruel and insensitive. Will he go to worship services with you? Do you think he believes his behavior is an example of his faith and religious beliefs. Does your beliefs make you feel you should not consider divorce.

Hello.

Actually we are both Christian. And at times I think he uses this against me. By saying that if I was "truly" praying and putting the relationship to God then things would be better and change. So once again it was ME who was preventing him and us from having a better relationship cause I am not praying enough or right or whatever. So this is hard for me to think about cause of course it is cutting into my own personal realtionship with Jesus. How do you argue against that? I can pray more and believe that God will help us but now he makes it seem that I am not faithful to God too. I dont want to consider divorce....at least not this early in the marriage. Thats normal right? To want to keep fighting for the relationship and trying to come to an understanding.

The more I talk about this 'outloud' with you all the more I start to think that he is just making excuses.

Yes this sucks especially if he is using your faith against you but not against himself. You can't be a Christian and not look at yourself. It takes two people to make or break a marriage and it sounds like you've done all you can. I personally don't feel a woman should do everything to keep a happy home. It has to be both parties commited to the same goals. When you tell him you deserve better treatment how does he respond?

Oh yes I agree. Many people don't open up sexual because of their faith. However, marriage is the place to be open and vunerable. As long as you aren't putting yourself in a place of being unsafe.

You mentioned different positions and oral. Those don't seem freaky to me but normal. Do you think because you're unable to open up in those ways he is showing this anger towards you? I'm not excusing his behavior because if he married you he had to know you felt the way you did and should be offering to help you get more comfortable in that area.

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

Yes this sucks especially if he is using your faith against you but not against himself. You can't be a Christian and not look at yourself. It takes two people to make or break a marriage and it sounds like you've done all you can. I personally don't feel a woman should do everything to keep a happy home. It has to be both parties commited to the same goals. When you tell him you deserve better treatment how does he respond?

He tells me that in the beginning of the relationship he felt as if he was the one giving and giving. I know that he was much more affectionate and nicer then, but I was affectionate too. Like i said holding his hands giving him hugs, texting him love note and i miss yous, sending cards. But he had a hard time with the seperation an seemed to start to nit pick at me when he was not satisfied with how his life was going at the time. He eventually started to say that he felt I was not giving him enough to "sustain him". I dont know what he means by sustain. But now when i tell him what I want he tells me he is spent and feels like he cannot give to me until i make him feel better in the relationship, and then I tell him I feel drained and that its now getting very hard for me to continue to give to him with the same drive an enthusiasm....and then thats how we get in that bad circle all over again.

[faryan 4]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this so early in marriage (well actual time living together). First, you have to step back and take back your own self-worth. Don't let this man or any other man devalue or demoralize you. God made you and He does not make mistakes EVER. You are special, unique and beautiful. Do not internalize his caustic words that are meant to alienate and destroy you. Abusers first destroy your support system, and make you rely entirely on them. Do not allow him or your fear of "I told you so" allow you to stop talking to your family. They have your best interest at heart regardless.

If you do not feel comfortable with certain sexual requests from your husband, don't feel bad about not honoring them. I'm sure he would not lessen his own comfort level by doing something he didn't feel comfortable with just because you requested it.

Stop jumping to respond to all his "stupid/childish" requests for you to prove your love and devotion. Make him prove his worth as your husband. Do not take a back seat to abuse. He is lacking as a man and husband, not the other way around.

In my roundabout way, this is exactly what i meant. Thank you Jawi for expressing it so eloquently!

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

Oh yes I agree. Many people don't open up sexual because of their faith. However, marriage is the place to be open and vunerable. As long as you aren't putting yourself in a place of being unsafe.

You mentioned different positions and oral. Those don't seem freaky to me but normal. Do you think because you're unable to open up in those ways he is showing this anger towards you? I'm not excusing his behavior because if he married you he had to know you felt the way you did and should be offering to help you get more comfortable in that area.

Whats wierd is honestly I feel like I am more experienced than him. I have no problem with oral or different positions what so ever. its when he says things like "just normal sex"...and says it with disgust like its so horrible to just have standard missionary position sex. Or to have sex like 4+ times a week without oral is horrible sex. I thought many men would be happy with having sex at least that much. So I start to feel wierd and dirty or uncomfortable about sex when I have never been uptight sexually before. its sort of like he is forcing me to do it a certain way whether or not I am in the mood for it that way or not, so then I just feel wierd about the sex act altogehter....does that make sense? So this actually makes my desire less and we end up having sex maybe 1-2 times a week.

[wakeywakeup 1]

your wrong LOVE DOES HURT every rose has it's thorn. Love cannot be tested without the pain that goes with it. if you say love never hurts then you have gone through a love that has yet to be tested and living in a dream world that will crash some day..

Now to this guy sounds like he's too imature childish.. its GIVE ME WHAT I WANT EXACTLY HOW I WANT or i will not be happy etc. Also it also sounds like you two had two different expectations of each other and when he found out love marriage doesn't work out like he thought it would in his picture perfect world he wants out.. If he wants this marriage to work he has to grow up first and be a man. Till that happens i'm sorry love will hurt for you.. But sooner or later you will move on and find happiness for yourself. And if this marriage fails you will find the right man for you... I just hope he will wake up from his dream world and realize how stupid he is acting..

Love being tested is one thing but being verbally abusive and emotionally distant are not signs of mature love. In that regard Love shouldn't hurt. You sure made a lot of assessments about my life from one sentence. I'm not in a dream world and have been through test in my relationship however your SO should never intentionally try to hurt you with their words or fist and then say they love you. That is a sign of abuse. Love isn't what's hurting her it's an immature and insensitive man that claims to love her. I can say I love you to someone all day but if I beat the ####### out of them that doesn't show love!!

[DanielParul 50]

Hope you find the strength to do what is right for you. You deserve a man who finds you the most beautiful, attractive woman in the world and loves you. This one does not seem to be him. Take charge of your life and emotions now and don't let a loser who can't even man up to his part in your marriage control the way you feel.

[wakeywakeup 1]

Oh yes I agree. Many people don't open up sexual because of their faith. However, marriage is the place to be open and vunerable. As long as you aren't putting yourself in a place of being unsafe.

You mentioned different positions and oral. Those don't seem freaky to me but normal. Do you think because you're unable to open up in those ways he is showing this anger towards you? I'm not excusing his behavior because if he married you he had to know you felt the way you did and should be offering to help you get more comfortable in that area.

Whats wierd is honestly I feel like I am more experienced than him. I have no problem with oral or different positions what so ever. its when he says things like "just normal sex"...and says it with disgust like its so horrible to just have standard missionary position sex. Or to have sex like 4+ times a week without oral is horrible sex. I thought many men would be happy with having sex at least that much. So I start to feel wierd and dirty or uncomfortable about sex when I have never been uptight sexually before. its sort of like he is forcing me to do it a certain way whether or not I am in the mood for it that way or not, so then I just feel wierd about the sex act altogehter....does that make sense? So this actually makes my desire less and we end up having sex maybe 1-2 times a week.

So you're open but not as open as as he'd like. To me it sounds like he needs to control you. The best way to do that is to make you doubt yourself. How did he act in his previous relationships? Does he paint a picture that he had to be in charge? This seems like some deep-seated issues on his end that go past maturity

..I'm so sorry. It really sounds like you guys will need some counseling to get past this.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Aside from any other issues that might not have been shared, it sounds to me as if he wants more variety in your sex life together. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact, it can be quite healthy to mix things up a bit, so that something doesn't become too stale.

Ever hear that quality is far better than quantity? I get the feeling that you believe that having sex 4+ times a week is the recipe for a good marriage. Rather, to have a partner that is spontaneous, unpredictable, responsive and eager once every week, beats having a partner 4 times a week who is there but would rather not be.

Why not greet him at the door naked, with candles burning, nice music playing, a glass or port and a can of whipped cream tomorrow afternoon and see how he reacts?

Oh yes I agree. Many people don't open up sexual because of their faith. However, marriage is the place to be open and vunerable. As long as you aren't putting yourself in a place of being unsafe.

You mentioned different positions and oral. Those don't seem freaky to me but normal. Do you think because you're unable to open up in those ways he is showing this anger towards you? I'm not excusing his behavior because if he married you he had to know you felt the way you did and should be offering to help you get more comfortable in that area.

Whats wierd is honestly I feel like I am more experienced than him. I have no problem with oral or different positions what so ever. its when he says things like "just normal sex"...and says it with disgust like its so horrible to just have standard missionary position sex. Or to have sex like 4+ times a week without oral is horrible sex. I thought many men would be happy with having sex at least that much. So I start to feel wierd and dirty or uncomfortable about sex when I have never been uptight sexually before. its sort of like he is forcing me to do it a certain way whether or not I am in the mood for it that way or not, so then I just feel wierd about the sex act altogehter....does that make sense? So this actually makes my desire less and we end up having sex maybe 1-2 times a week.

[MihaelaNYS 10]

Hope you find the strength to do what is right for you. You deserve a man who finds you the most beautiful, attractive woman in the world and loves you. This one does not seem to be him. Take charge of your life and emotions now and don't let a loser who can't even man up to his part in your marriage control the way you feel.

Well said.

I am pretty sure that what you describe, qualify as sexual abuse. Get in touch with an organization that helps abused women in your area and they will help you (counseling).

Good luck!

[jawi876 2]

I tire rather easily with missionary/standard sexual positions...but I am not cruel and heartless when I want to kick it up a notch. It sounds like you really do harbor some dislike for oral sex. Are you both performing oral sex or does he want to be the only one to receive? I honestly believe your sexual life is HARDLY the problem between you. It is much deeper, and he is only shuffling dirt over the real issues to avoid dealing with it.

When he mentioned that he married too early or was considering divorce before he got here, how did you respond? Did you dismiss it, or persuade him to reconsider? Did you convince him that you both loved each other and it would work out?

I'm really concerned that he has mentioned divorce 5 times in a year of marriage. When you tell someone that you do not love them, or never loved them; it is really hard to rebuild trust and love from that point. It would leave me wondering if I could truly trust anything he said to me from that point forward.

[faryan 4]

I tire rather easily with missionary/standard sexual positions...but I am not cruel and heartless when I want to kick it up a notch. It sounds like you really do harbor some dislike for oral sex. Are you both performing oral sex or does he want to be the only one to receive? I honestly believe your sexual life is HARDLY the problem between you. It is much deeper, and he is only shuffling dirt over the real issues to avoid dealing with it.

When he mentioned that he married too early or was considering divorce before he got here, how did you respond? Did you dismiss it, or persuade him to reconsider? Did you convince him that you both loved each other and it would work out?

I'm really concerned that he has mentioned divorce 5 times in a year of marriage. When you tell someone that you do not love them, or never loved them; it is really hard to rebuild trust and love from that point. It would leave me wondering if I could truly trust anything he said to me from that point forward.

... and makes it difficult to want to be "freaky" and spontaneous and experimentative in bed, if you are feeling down and not loved.