My Marriage is in Trouble

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

That's a pretty sad story. I would guess, without knowing many facts, that he's experiencing feelings of inadequacy because he's depending on you for everything, then overcompensating for that - without realizing how or why, by giving you a hard time about things that have nothing to do with the true source of his inadequate feelings. I suspect that this is a way to "show his manhood" to make up for dependence on you (again, guessing)

Either way, the problem is not yours, but his - and the best way through it is to try to get him to open up to discussion of the true problem, which is when a guy is depending on his wife for everything like he has to, and has to 'reverse roles' from a cultural standpoint, there is a discontentment there that then becomes applicable to the relationship and everything around it. You will likely see improvement as he gains some independence, but until then he likely isn't going to be satisfied with ANYTHING.

Whether you choose to put up with that - is up to you. There is certainly no excuse for the way you are being treated, and no that is not normal in a healthy marriage.

You actually said what he told me the other day. He has expressed a discontentment with having to depend on me for everything. I buy him clothing cause he has no winter clothes, give him spending cash, pay all the bills, take him to the movies and dinner, buy all the groceries. Then on top of that I cook clean work have sex. But he has told me that he feels horribly for not being able to take me out or buy me things and it just gets him down. He says he sees all that I do for him and understands that it is a lot and he should just be happy for that, but in turn it creates the exact opposite effect on him and he then resents me and gets angry at himself and me for doing all this stuff for him...cause basically it is just reminding him about how much he cant do it himself.

Like I said...he is from a culture where the man is sort of the provider in a sense and the woman takes care of his every need. Not sure if this is the best course for a relationship but its what he is used to. So I understand what you say. I do think you are right. That until he starts working and gaining a feeling of dependence from me he will be unsatisfied.

Edited December 15, 2008 by Sweet_Seoul

[Ellsinlove 2]

Oh where to begin....

First off, if you are working and doing the providing, the LEAST his azz can do is help out around the house and cook a damn dinner! Since he has no work right now, his work can be in the home. You are not his servant! You are supposed to be his wife and partner and deserve respect and assistance in the partnership.

Then, you keep talking about how you are doing all this work for the relationship and not once was there any mention of HIM doing any work or trying to make you happy. THAT right there should be your ginormous red flag! A relationship is a two-way street and he's not doing his part.

Take the advice from those who have worded their responses much more eloquently than I can. Reading your post has me pretty heated and therefore unable to fully articulate my feelings on the matter. Sorry to sound harsh but you need to show his azz the door! You need to free your life to find someone who will appreciate you, respect you and make you feel good about yourself every day!

[Old Dominion 26]

I can only observe that you have been together only two months, and he is new to this western culture. Does he have any friends here so far? Marriage is always a big adjustment, and being in a different culture can be even more difficult. Do you go any places together? As to his sexual expectations, you are who you are, and he should learn to respect that. Once he is a provider, maybe he will feel better about himself. But it appears he is not trying very hard to find work. The two of you can set a deadline by which time he should be busy at work, or just part company.

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

He does not have friends here. Just knows my family. I know that he is lonely and misses home, and speaking his langauge to family and sort of feels out of place here. But since I know that, I already feel bad for him and try to provide things to get him to feel better.

I am starting to feel a bit better in understanding that this all is not my fault. I was very worried that it was. He has read some personal journals of mine and in it it mentions past relationships and he has tried to use that against me....saying that the same problems i had with them i am having with him because I dont know how to give a man what he desires in a woman....affection, nuturing, sex, love. So I start to think that maybe he is right. But I swear that I really want to give those things to him as best I can.

As far as what he does for me. Well he can be a ver sweet man, but he can be ver demanding at times also...almost like split personality which makes me walk on egg shells cause I am not sure when the mean side will come out. He does cook sometimes, and does yardwork, but thats all stuff that doesnt help me feel secure. I would like for him to just show me more of a loving spirit. He used to make like 10% or less than what I make so I didnt marry him for riches and all, just married him for love and companionship, and to have someone as my rock and such. So thats all I want....but like I said...he says he cannot give until I make him feel better in the relationship. So this is why I think we may be hopeless.

I dont know....I am just rambling. I cant really focus at work today and typing all this al talking to you all is just giving me a bit of relief. Sorry if I sound so "woe is me", but its my marriage and I didnt enter it lightly so its not as easy to just leave or tell him to hit the road. I just want to get him to see my pain and see that it could get better if he just helped to lift me up sometimes. I would do anything for him if he just made me feel secure in this relationship.

[Paris Desire 0]

I can only observe that you have been together only two months, and he is new to this western culture. Does he have any friends here so far? Marriage is always a big adjustment, and being in a different culture can be even more difficult. Do you go any places together? As to his sexual expectations, you are who you are, and he should learn to respect that. Once he is a provider, maybe he will feel better about himself. But it appears he is not trying very hard to find work. The two of you can set a deadline by which time he should be busy at work, or just part company.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, my heart goes out to you. Follow your head in this case and not your heart. Its very easy to follow your heart instead of your head. I wish you the best in your journey in life. Dont do any rash, but always respect yourself and your choices, things will work out for you whatever path you take in life.

God Bless.

[Svetlana 0]

Divorce him ASAP and someone better will come to your life!

[wakeywakeup 1]

He does not have friends here. Just knows my family. I know that he is lonely and misses home, and speaking his langauge to family and sort of feels out of place here. But since I know that, I already feel bad for him and try to provide things to get him to feel better.

I am starting to feel a bit better in understanding that this all is not my fault. I was very worried that it was. He has read some personal journals of mine and in it it mentions past relationships and he has tried to use that against me....saying that the same problems i had with them i am having with him because I dont know how to give a man what he desires in a woman....affection, nuturing, sex, love. So I start to think that maybe he is right. But I swear that I really want to give those things to him as best I can.

As far as what he does for me. Well he can be a ver sweet man, but he can be ver demanding at times also...almost like split personality which makes me walk on egg shells cause I am not sure when the mean side will come out. He does cook sometimes, and does yardwork, but thats all stuff that doesnt help me feel secure. I would like for him to just show me more of a loving spirit. He used to make like 10% or less than what I make so I didnt marry him for riches and all, just married him for love and companionship, and to have someone as my rock and such. So thats all I want....but like I said...he says he cannot give until I make him feel better in the relationship. So this is why I think we may be hopeless.

I dont know....I am just rambling. I cant really focus at work today and typing all this al talking to you all is just giving me a bit of relief. Sorry if I sound so "woe is me", but its my marriage and I didnt enter it lightly so its not as easy to just leave or tell him to hit the road. I just want to get him to see my pain and see that it could get better if he just helped to lift me up sometimes. I would do anything for him if he just made me feel secure in this relationship.

I can imagine the fear of uncertainty you are facing. When my husband came to the states we had major adjustment issues. Mostly having different likes and what not... and it scared the He## out of me because I thought things should be perfect the way we'd both talked about on the phone. I don't know if i can give you advice because things naturally worked themselves out for me and hubby after a month..

You mentioned that you and he are of the same faith. Has that changed? Perhaps this is the door to use to get him to see how he is treating you is cruel and insensitive. Will he go to worship services with you? Do you think he believes his behavior is an example of his faith and religious beliefs. Does your beliefs make you feel you should not consider divorce.

[faryan 4]

I too read your story and feeling very incensed with your husband. Nobody, men or women, should have to endure being made to feel unwanted and unworthy of our SO's love. You definitely tried your best and been very understanding re where he is coming from and what he was used to, and tried to emphatise re him feeling like his "manhood" is taken away from him (that he isnt able to provide-- although I and my husband thinks that this guy is no man for treating you like this anyways), etc etc. But i think enough is enough on giving him excuses. There is no excuse to threaten divorce so many times and give u conditions, if u do this and that he will love u more an not leave. There will always be different conditions coming up, trust me. He sounds really toxic and typical of abusive spouse (this split personality syndrome of alternating ok time and abusive time, same like those who are physically abused, smack the spouse and then cry and apologize or be tender, and the spouse live in fear of the next round of outburst). And you should not let this further poison your life. It has nothing to do with adjustment period of husband and wife. It has nothing to do with coming from whatever country. It's just that this man is a bad abusive person, even if the scar he left you with is invisible. hmmm im pissed! you have my prayers May you be strong, and may you love yourself first..

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

I can imagine the fear of uncertainty you are facing. When my husband came to the states we had major adjustment issues. Mostly having different likes and what not... and it scared the He## out of me because I thought things should be perfect the way we'd both talked about on the phone. I don't know if i can give you advice because things naturally worked themselves out for me and hubby after a month..

You mentioned that you and he are of the same faith. Has that changed? Perhaps this is the door to use to get him to see how he is treating you is cruel and insensitive. Will he go to worship services with you? Do you think he believes his behavior is an example of his faith and religious beliefs. Does your beliefs make you feel you should not consider divorce.

Hello.

Actually we are both Christian. And at times I think he uses this against me. By saying that if I was "truly" praying and putting the relationship to God then things would be better and change. So once again it was ME who was preventing him and us from having a better relationship cause I am not praying enough or right or whatever. So this is hard for me to think about cause of course it is cutting into my own personal realtionship with Jesus. How do you argue against that? I can pray more and believe that God will help us but now he makes it seem that I am not faithful to God too. I dont want to consider divorce....at least not this early in the marriage. Thats normal right? To want to keep fighting for the relationship and trying to come to an understanding.

The more I talk about this 'outloud' with you all the more I start to think that he is just making excuses.

[wowswift 3]

I don't think what he is doing is ok, but it seems to be his way of dealing with everything. Like someone else says, he is probably really feeling bad about himself sitting at home and not working, then add in moving to another country where you have no one to talk to, its gonna make some people a little crazy.

I dunno what to say to help, cuz sounds like he is being unreasonable and won't listen, but maybe try getting some professional marriage counseling or since you're both religious, maybe talking to someone at the church. I really just think this is his reaction and is scared a bit and feels out of place. Maybe its his way of getting some control in the relationship, but you guys need to find a way to let each other know what you expect from each other in a marriage because him putting you down is never right. If he really has a problem, he needs to learn a better way to communicate what bothers him so you guys can have a calm and open discussion about it, without either of you feeling put down.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

If there is some disparity in your libido, that can be overcome by communicating with each other in terms of what makes a "healthy sexual relationship" for each of you. In your first post you referred to his sexual pleasures as "freaky" stuff. It's not often that one partner in marriage perceives the other partner's desires as "freaky". Not saying that there aren't individuals that have peculiar fetishes, or even that there aren't people that are perverse, but that is the exception rather than the norm.

Many couples forget that the essence of "pleasuring" one's partner stems from being pleasured. What really turns a person on, in both sexes, is seeing the other in exstacy. Why not begin with sharing with him the things he can do for YOU that would relax you and pleasure you? I am sure that once you become pleasured what he wishes to receive from you will be naturally offered and in turn he will feel heightened pleasure.

[wakeywakeup 1]

I can imagine the fear of uncertainty you are facing. When my husband came to the states we had major adjustment issues. Mostly having different likes and what not... and it scared the He## out of me because I thought things should be perfect the way we'd both talked about on the phone. I don't know if i can give you advice because things naturally worked themselves out for me and hubby after a month..

You mentioned that you and he are of the same faith. Has that changed? Perhaps this is the door to use to get him to see how he is treating you is cruel and insensitive. Will he go to worship services with you? Do you think he believes his behavior is an example of his faith and religious beliefs. Does your beliefs make you feel you should not consider divorce.

Hello.

Actually we are both Christian. And at times I think he uses this against me. By saying that if I was "truly" praying and putting the relationship to God then things would be better and change. So once again it was ME who was preventing him and us from having a better relationship cause I am not praying enough or right or whatever. So this is hard for me to think about cause of course it is cutting into my own personal realtionship with Jesus. How do you argue against that? I can pray more and believe that God will help us but now he makes it seem that I am not faithful to God too. I dont want to consider divorce....at least not this early in the marriage. Thats normal right? To want to keep fighting for the relationship and trying to come to an understanding.

The more I talk about this 'outloud' with you all the more I start to think that he is just making excuses.

Yes this sucks especially if he is using your faith against you but not against himself. You can't be a Christian and not look at yourself. It takes two people to make or break a marriage and it sounds like you've done all you can. I personally don't feel a woman should do everything to keep a happy home. It has to be both parties commited to the same goals. When you tell him you deserve better treatment how does he respond?

[faryan 4]

I can imagine the fear of uncertainty you are facing. When my husband came to the states we had major adjustment issues. Mostly having different likes and what not... and it scared the He## out of me because I thought things should be perfect the way we'd both talked about on the phone. I don't know if i can give you advice because things naturally worked themselves out for me and hubby after a month..

You mentioned that you and he are of the same faith. Has that changed? Perhaps this is the door to use to get him to see how he is treating you is cruel and insensitive. Will he go to worship services with you? Do you think he believes his behavior is an example of his faith and religious beliefs. Does your beliefs make you feel you should not consider divorce.

Hello.

Actually we are both Christian. And at times I think he uses this against me. By saying that if I was "truly" praying and putting the relationship to God then things would be better and change. So once again it was ME who was preventing him and us from having a better relationship cause I am not praying enough or right or whatever. So this is hard for me to think about cause of course it is cutting into my own personal realtionship with Jesus. How do you argue against that? I can pray more and believe that God will help us but now he makes it seem that I am not faithful to God too. I dont want to consider divorce....at least not this early in the marriage. Thats normal right? To want to keep fighting for the relationship and trying to come to an understanding.

The more I talk about this 'outloud' with you all the more I start to think that he is just making excuses.

Well it is normal to not want to consider divorce at this early stage. Of course you would still want to work on the relationship, coz thats what normal, hopeful, understanding, practical person do. But at the same time, do not gloss things over or excuse his abusive ways. If you let him and do that, you will only end up believing what he says and doubt yourself and be further immersed in the cycle of abuse. If there is any advice i can offer you as you try and work on this relationship, will be to not let your relationship with your family and friends falter/diminish. I do understand it if you do not want to 100% unload these thoughts and feelings you have re this relationship to your family and friends, but make sure u find a few people you can trust to talk to, so that they can look out for you. As for your relationship with your God, it is a personal one, and he is very mean (and twisted) to say the things he said. He is responsible of his own actions, and again putting blame on you and trying to strip your feeling of self worth. Be cautious, and be strong...

Edited December 15, 2008 by faryan

[wakeywakeup 1]

I can imagine the fear of uncertainty you are facing. When my husband came to the states we had major adjustment issues. Mostly having different likes and what not... and it scared the He## out of me because I thought things should be perfect the way we'd both talked about on the phone. I don't know if i can give you advice because things naturally worked themselves out for me and hubby after a month..

You mentioned that you and he are of the same faith. Has that changed? Perhaps this is the door to use to get him to see how he is treating you is cruel and insensitive. Will he go to worship services with you? Do you think he believes his behavior is an example of his faith and religious beliefs. Does your beliefs make you feel you should not consider divorce.

Hello.

Actually we are both Christian. And at times I think he uses this against me. By saying that if I was "truly" praying and putting the relationship to God then things would be better and change. So once again it was ME who was preventing him and us from having a better relationship cause I am not praying enough or right or whatever. So this is hard for me to think about cause of course it is cutting into my own personal realtionship with Jesus. How do you argue against that? I can pray more and believe that God will help us but now he makes it seem that I am not faithful to God too. I dont want to consider divorce....at least not this early in the marriage. Thats normal right? To want to keep fighting for the relationship and trying to come to an understanding.

The more I talk about this 'outloud' with you all the more I start to think that he is just making excuses.

Well it is normal to not want to consider divorce at this early stage. Of course you would still want to work on the relationship, coz thats what normal, hopeful, understanding, practical person do. But at the same time, do not gloss things over or excuse his abusive ways. If you let him and do that, you will only end up believing what he says and doubt yourself and be further immersed in the cycle of abuse. If there is any advice i can offer you as you try and work on this relationship, will be to not let your relationship with your family and friends falter/diminish. I do understand it if you do not want to 100% unload these thoughts and feelings you have re this relationship to your family and friends, but make sure u find a few people you can trust to talk to, so that they can look out for you. As for your relationship with your God, it is a personal one, and he is very mean (and twisted) to say the things he said. He is responsible of his own actions, and again putting blame on you and trying to strip your feeling of self worth. Be cautious, and be strong...

Excellent advise!!

[diadromous mermaid 36]

True, but being devil's advocate, maybe one party's faith is an inhibittion in the sexual relationship.

I can imagine the fear of uncertainty you are facing. When my husband came to the states we had major adjustment issues. Mostly having different likes and what not... and it scared the He## out of me because I thought things should be perfect the way we'd both talked about on the phone. I don't know if i can give you advice because things naturally worked themselves out for me and hubby after a month..

You mentioned that you and he are of the same faith. Has that changed? Perhaps this is the door to use to get him to see how he is treating you is cruel and insensitive. Will he go to worship services with you? Do you think he believes his behavior is an example of his faith and religious beliefs. Does your beliefs make you feel you should not consider divorce.

Hello.

Actually we are both Christian. And at times I think he uses this against me. By saying that if I was "truly" praying and putting the relationship to God then things would be better and change. So once again it was ME who was preventing him and us from having a better relationship cause I am not praying enough or right or whatever. So this is hard for me to think about cause of course it is cutting into my own personal realtionship with Jesus. How do you argue against that? I can pray more and believe that God will help us but now he makes it seem that I am not faithful to God too. I dont want to consider divorce....at least not this early in the marriage. Thats normal right? To want to keep fighting for the relationship and trying to come to an understanding.

The more I talk about this 'outloud' with you all the more I start to think that he is just making excuses.

Yes this sucks especially if he is using your faith against you but not against himself. You can't be a Christian and not look at yourself. It takes two people to make or break a marriage and it sounds like you've done all you can. I personally don't feel a woman should do everything to keep a happy home. It has to be both parties commited to the same goals. When you tell him you deserve better treatment how does he respond?