My Marriage is in Trouble

[zqt3344 21]

DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER! I SENSE DANGER! Be careful and your mind alert to anything, best of luck to you.

Hello All,

Here's my background:

I have been a member of VJ for about 2 years now. I changed my screen name and account to be annonymous and also my husband knew about my last screen name and reviewed those posts on here so I wanted to be able to freely write without him knowing.

We met 2 years ago, married after little less than a year of first meeting. Petitioned thru CR1 and now he is here about 2 months. Before he came we have had issues and arguments. My husband says I am not affectionate, or loving or nuturing like a woman should be. I dont agree completely with him. I dont think i am a mushy mushy type but i do love him and show him affection. Holding his hand in public walking arm and arm. Going up to him for hugs, wanting to spend lots of time with him. I currently am the only one working cause he is new here. He comes from a country where the US dollar was far higher than his own so I visited him in his country many times before he came. I work everyday and have major stress with deadlines yet I make sure to call him throughout the day. I come home at a decent hour and cook cause he does not do that most days. I cook for him serve his food, keep a clean and homely house, give him money weekly, talk to him about his day and mine, and before we started having such problems, we had sex at least 4 times a week...some days I was just emotionally and physically spent. He says none of this matter if he is not happy with me.

He says he is not happy with me cause he is not in love with me. He is not in love with me cause I am not affectionate enough for him. I do not have "freaky" sex everytime we have sex. His idea of freaky is different positions and oral. Ok I can do that no problem, but its a learning vurve for me. Should he make me feel like i am horrible in bed if I am not having this freaky sex. If we do it often but just not to his likening everytime. Shouldnt I be comfortable during such an act of making love to my husband?

He has threatened divorce about 5 times in the course of our marriage. 2 times before he evn got here. He has said that he should not have gotten married so soon, that he was not ready. He has also told me he is not in love with me. He cares for me but does not have that passionate feeling cause I do not bring it out of him. So in turn he gets very angry with me cause he feels its my fault that he does not have that feeling. Is it my fault. Am i doing something wrong? I wear sexy lingerie to spice things up, and he hardly comments says "oh you always do that". So then i feel me doing that is not appreciated. I have found him looking at singles ads on the internet. He appologized for this, but not til after he saw how much it hurt me. He says its just curiosity as to what other people want and do in their relationships to see if there are things i should be doing for him in our relationship to bring that loving feeling back.

I have been left to feel inadequate. Unsexy. Not beautiful. Hopeless in this marriage, and as if I cannot even keep my man happy or satisfied enough to continue loving me. Like I do not deserve love until he is fully satisfied. At the same time I feel like, yes I can do more in the relationship yet I am doing SO MUCH as it is now, and its feels as though its in vain an he does not appreciate it.

He says he is unhappy cause he does not love me and that he feel unfullfilled in the relationship and that he cannot give me more until i give him more....is that fair? I am not sure?

He has put me down by saying that I am not womanly, too "loose", not affectionate towards him, that i had odor once..over a year ago when we had sex. Says that it was a mistake to marry me, that he is not in love with me, and that I am the sole reason he is not happy. I have driven him to be curious to other women on singles sites. As you can see this is crushing to a womans spirit, sexuality, and confidence, and makes it that much harder to keep giving and doing for him, especially when he says that he knows he's wrong but cant give me anything more until I make him feel better in the relationship first.

I am not sure how to feel. Is this normal for people to go thru these things in marriage? Should I just toughen up after all he has said and done to me and try to move past it and continue to give him love in hopes that this will spark him to love me back? Should I seperate from him, and let him miss what he truly has in me? I am a good woman. I would do anything for my husband yet I am feeling very foolish for thinking this way when he makes me feel so bad. I dont want to be stupid and naive so I ask your opinions. Is this right?

I wanted a marriage and future family of our own. A partnership. I feel like all I am getting is a list of demands and anxiety. I feel like I walk on egg shells with him hoping that when I see joy in his face that it will last. I am really lonely in this marriage and sad and disappointed. I am starting to think he was right and that we should not have gotten married. But now we are and i want to fix it but dont know if it is fixable.

Please help.

[boo boo 1]

Ohhhh my goodness, I am so sorry that you are going thru all thru this foolishness. Your husband needs a taste of reality because you are showing him love by supporting him and doing all that you can do as a wife and getting NOTHING in return...what is he doing as a husband? Ask him what is he bringing to this marriage, how does he express his love, and where does he see this marriage a year from now? You should be a blessing from God in his eyes considering everything that you are doing for him. I think that your husband has too much free time on his hands and he has a very twisted way of thinking.

You deserve to have a man that makes you feel appreciated and loved 24/7, especially when he is your husband. Do not have someone in your life that makes you feel worthless and cheap, noone should feel this way. If your man is checking out the single sites and threatening to divorce you...then let him go.....because those are not the right actions a christian husband should displaying towards his wife and you should tell him "good luck and God Bless"

I would let your hubby know that you love him and you would do anything to make him happy and it is a goal of yours to be the best wifey that you can be....but it is not fair that you are not getting it in return. Ask him:

Do you love me?

Then why do you disrespect me?

Don't you think that I deserve to be happy? And make it clear that he is not making you happy

Why should I stay in this marriage? What do you have to offer? Tell him that you are not desparate and will not be in the relationship if he does not change than he better start packing.

Tell him that you do not need the stress or the drama and you could be happier being by yourself. Tell him that it is not easy to work all day and come home to an ungrateful husband and take care of his needs when you fell like he does not have an ounce of respect or love for you, you deserve so much more than you are receiving thats for sure. I wish you the best, I pray that he will open his eyes and do whats right.....until then, do extra special things for yourself...show him that you are a beautiful, intelligent, independant woman and Blessed regardless of being in a bad relationship..Have A Blessed Day....You deserve it to the fullest

[justashooter 430]

I told him that I now realize that I cannot make him love me. THAT is one thing that he really needs to do on his own. I can show him love and do things that make him like me, but he has to actually work at continue loving me, cause that is what i do, and it is very hard for me at most times. I told him if I cannot even have the basics of a marriage....a man that loves me...then I do not have hope or any need to fight for the marriage anymore. I suggested we seperate. I asked him for suggestions to the problems and he has none. I told him I now feel better to talk to my family about the probelms we have had. I was embarrassed but after talking to u all i feel more confident to do so. I no longer care if it is embarassing.

good luck in your chosen path.

being married to an immigrant is much harder than being married to a local. it can be exausting, and at the same moment tremendously rewarding or horribly defeating. some immigrants take to the change well, and some do not. that is a risk all who import an immigrant spouse take. the change in locale will require adjustment of their skill set and change their personality, for sure.

[bhajishah 4]

Wow there you go there is some intelligence there.

[bhajishah 4]

Usually the one who is being card wanter they are very loving and tricky boom they gone... so play it by brain and heart what you willing to be patient for tolerate. off course no violence is ever and let him know you dont want to hear any more personal attacks just because he is unsure or whatever problem shock of environment. I can only tolerate different countries for 3 weeks.

[Old Dominion 26]

Agree -- one more threat or temper outburst, he's outta here.

[MsMariah 0]

I don't know reading this made me feel badly too. I think I can understand what your immigrant spouse is feeling and also I have told my spouse (who isn't even here yet) that I can't feel very loving and won't say I love him when he isn't doing what I wish he would to satisfy me. Maybe I am abusive too then? I can understand how real intimacy issues are being played out sexually and it gets so frustrating (especially for those of us with STRONG libido's when we hear desires called freaky), really. Perhaps he really is a romantic soul who had so many expectations and real life is so different than the stereotypcial romance novel, disillusionment is a bitter pill.

I see how ego's strive to protect themselves here and everyone imagines they are the wronged, this is a breakdown of love. But what made you love him to begin with? Is that gone?

Honestly, sometimes I do feel like I can't love or don't love my spouse very well. And it doesn't matter how many times someone says they love you, if you aren't getting the action which shows YOU love then you can't feel it.

Just try not to be so hard on yourself or him. Even when it's definite that action must occur, hardline approaches are not usually the most well thought out or beneficial solutions.

Now all I can say is that I feel for you and him and I pray that together you can overcome this and in turn maybe more things can be overcome by everyone.

Peace,

Mariah

[idocare 3]

The feeling I'm getting from reading your post is that your husband married you in order to get into this country. Once you married him and filed the paperwork and he was granted a visa was all he needed from you. Before he even arrived here in the states he started distanceing himself and sat-ing the stage for a non productive marriage.

I'm feelin that he wants to drive you crazy with different negative situations to make you want him out of your life so that he could run to immigration and complain about you and how bad he had it living with you clear up too the time you asked him too leave.

As you know it takes two too make a relationship work. You alone can't. I very familiar with the feeling " like your walking on eggs around your husband" that nothing will make him happy, my ex. husband was the same way and drove me crazy until I mentioned maybe he should leave, then he packed those bags so fast, it was like he finally got the reaction out of me that he wanted, but not before him putting me and his son thru alot of mental head games.

Stress can wear on you, I caution you too please consider your health when handling this issue.

[wolsen3129 0]

I hate to say this, but your husband has some serious problems that he is projecting on to you and making you look and feel like the bad person. This emotional abuse is not healthy for you. My sugestion is to seek help and emotional support for whatever you choose to do. It is obvious that your husband does not want to change for the better.

Life is short, don't live it in saddness and in fear of your safety.

In my opinion the guy is a good for nothing lazy abusive bum !!

Hello All,

Here's my background:

I have been a member of VJ for about 2 years now. I changed my screen name and account to be annonymous and also my husband knew about my last screen name and reviewed those posts on here so I wanted to be able to freely write without him knowing.

We met 2 years ago, married after little less than a year of first meeting. Petitioned thru CR1 and now he is here about 2 months. Before he came we have had issues and arguments. My husband says I am not affectionate, or loving or nuturing like a woman should be. I dont agree completely with him. I dont think i am a mushy mushy type but i do love him and show him affection. Holding his hand in public walking arm and arm. Going up to him for hugs, wanting to spend lots of time with him. I currently am the only one working cause he is new here. He comes from a country where the US dollar was far higher than his own so I visited him in his country many times before he came. I work everyday and have major stress with deadlines yet I make sure to call him throughout the day. I come home at a decent hour and cook cause he does not do that most days. I cook for him serve his food, keep a clean and homely house, give him money weekly, talk to him about his day and mine, and before we started having such problems, we had sex at least 4 times a week...some days I was just emotionally and physically spent. He says none of this matter if he is not happy with me.

He says he is not happy with me cause he is not in love with me. He is not in love with me cause I am not affectionate enough for him. I do not have "freaky" sex everytime we have sex. His idea of freaky is different positions and oral. Ok I can do that no problem, but its a learning vurve for me. Should he make me feel like i am horrible in bed if I am not having this freaky sex. If we do it often but just not to his likening everytime. Shouldnt I be comfortable during such an act of making love to my husband?

He has threatened divorce about 5 times in the course of our marriage. 2 times before he evn got here. He has said that he should not have gotten married so soon, that he was not ready. He has also told me he is not in love with me. He cares for me but does not have that passionate feeling cause I do not bring it out of him. So in turn he gets very angry with me cause he feels its my fault that he does not have that feeling. Is it my fault. Am i doing something wrong? I wear sexy lingerie to spice things up, and he hardly comments says "oh you always do that". So then i feel me doing that is not appreciated. I have found him looking at singles ads on the internet. He appologized for this, but not til after he saw how much it hurt me. He says its just curiosity as to what other people want and do in their relationships to see if there are things i should be doing for him in our relationship to bring that loving feeling back.

I have been left to feel inadequate. Unsexy. Not beautiful. Hopeless in this marriage, and as if I cannot even keep my man happy or satisfied enough to continue loving me. Like I do not deserve love until he is fully satisfied. At the same time I feel like, yes I can do more in the relationship yet I am doing SO MUCH as it is now, and its feels as though its in vain an he does not appreciate it.

He says he is unhappy cause he does not love me and that he feel unfullfilled in the relationship and that he cannot give me more until i give him more....is that fair? I am not sure?

He has put me down by saying that I am not womanly, too "loose", not affectionate towards him, that i had odor once..over a year ago when we had sex. Says that it was a mistake to marry me, that he is not in love with me, and that I am the sole reason he is not happy. I have driven him to be curious to other women on singles sites. As you can see this is crushing to a womans spirit, sexuality, and confidence, and makes it that much harder to keep giving and doing for him, especially when he says that he knows he's wrong but cant give me anything more until I make him feel better in the relationship first.

I am not sure how to feel. Is this normal for people to go thru these things in marriage? Should I just toughen up after all he has said and done to me and try to move past it and continue to give him love in hopes that this will spark him to love me back? Should I seperate from him, and let him miss what he truly has in me? I am a good woman. I would do anything for my husband yet I am feeling very foolish for thinking this way when he makes me feel so bad. I dont want to be stupid and naive so I ask your opinions. Is this right?

I wanted a marriage and future family of our own. A partnership. I feel like all I am getting is a list of demands and anxiety. I feel like I walk on egg shells with him hoping that when I see joy in his face that it will last. I am really lonely in this marriage and sad and disappointed. I am starting to think he was right and that we should not have gotten married. But now we are and i want to fix it but dont know if it is fixable.

Please help.

[Ling Ling 22]

This might sound cold, but I think you came here for honest feedback.

Everyone here has been focusing on your husband's issues.

Actually I don't know if he has any issues...I think he's just a loser/abuser. I think you know who you married.

You said he "threatened divorce twice before coming here".

Some people mistake love for dependency. I think you're dependent on his being your husband, more than you're dependent on him.

It's pretty obvious from your posting that he doesn't bring much to the table except a warm body.

You are obviously an intelligent and capable woman, but you PUT UP WITH this #######.

Somehow you feel that you need and deserve this #######.

Cut your losses now. As someone else said, "Love doesn't hurt".

Let me add to that...."You can do bad by yourself".

It WILL hurt to sever your ties, but in the long run, you'll know it's better.

Just look at your situation from the outside. Would you tell your close friend to put up with this?

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

Thank you all for your replies. Even though I have not posted in the last week, I have been keeping up and reading here. Lots of good advice. I have gone through many different decisions in my head and out loud to my husband. I have also spoken to some family about what I was feeling and what was has been going on in the relationship now and prior to him coming here.

Over the last few days, things between us escalated at times got out of control. I truly thought that it was going to be over. At the time it was happening I start to feel resolve about the marriage falling apart, but I also felt stupid and thought about how stupid I would look to everyone. I realized that this was a major reason for me holding on to the relationship. I also truly was manipulated in my head in thinking that most ALL the problems were caused from me, or could only be fixed by me. But I dont think this way anymore. I talk to my mother and told her how I feel like I am in an abusive relationship. No he is not physically beating me or anything, but I am still feeling mentally abused. Someone from here told me that when in an emotional abusive relationship u really dont have a CLEAR defining point to realize that you need to get out of the relationship...unlike physical abuse...when someone has beat you, its clear and concise and you can make your mind up that this is the last straw. For me, I did not know what was supposed to be the last straw.

I realize that my situation is now not uncommon and many women go through this. My decision is not fully made, but I have decided that I too am apart of this marriage and therefore I have every right to want something decent and loving and true out of it. I no longer can accept his response of wanting me to do this and do that to create his happiness. He is a miserable person who makes others around him miserable. He and I both recognize that he is suffering from some sort of depression that has gotten much worse since being here. I no longer accept that he can say harsh and ugl things about my character just to make himself feel better, or just to lower myself esteem and place me in some sort of control. This however has not fully stopped him from saying harsh things. The statement of me not being a "woman" has come back up again. This time stating that my 12 year old sister is more of a woman than I because she offered and served him a drink at Christmas dinner. I hate to sound judgemental, but I truly see he has Third World Country mentality. He is sexist and thinks woman to be lesser in certain regards, or thinks that things that make them a woman is specifically defined as to how they treat a man.

I disagree! I am a woman regardless of if MAN was ever invented. I am not made a woman, but born one. What I do know is that I am a wife ONLY when I have a husband. I cannot be a wife no matter how hard I try if I do not have a husband....and right now I do not think i have a husband in my home. I have an insecure, stubborn and arrogant man. My only choice is to wait to see if he realizes what he is doing. Other than that, i can only continue to do what I was doing. I can try to be a WIFE to the best of my ability, but without a husband it is surely impossible. I am no longer afraid or embarrassed to leave and end this marriage if it truly does not change.

[Sandrila 1]

Hello All,

Thanks for repsonding so quickly. I was sitting waiting for someone to respond cause I feel so lost and unable to talk to anyone about this. You help me alot.

Yes I do feel like its psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. I can say, I am not perfect....but I really am not a bad woman at all. I try to give 100% of my ability and sometimes 100% may only look like 50% but at least I am giving my all while aware that i can give more. From being on VJ, I have read the horror stories of being used and I often times think that maybe this is my case. I dont want that to be but i realy dont understand how things can go so sour so fast. I keep looking to myself wondering if I am doing something wrong and not being like other wives. Thats why I ask you all if this is normal. I am embarrassed to talk to family cause they all thought i was stupid to marry him cause we met in his country and they thought he would use me, or they made judgements that men from his country and controlling to women and mean and that he wanted a GC. I defended him to the death. I am a very attractive woman. Have no problem meeting men, so he did not charm me in any way, I just really like his personality, he was attractive, he shared my views on our faith and seemed like someone who was very passionate. But now...its all changed. I feel like a horrible ugly woman....never felt that in ly life. I walk around thinking I am not pretty, and that I cannot keep a husband and that I dont deserve love. Is he using me or did he really fall so out of love so quickly?

LOVE DOESN"T HURT

CHARLES

Only you can make someone laugh despite their upset

you rule!

[Sandrila 1]

Wow

You never realize how many people suffer in silence. I have read about this issue too many times and

it is truly distressing.

Everyone HAS THE RIGHT to be happy, comfortable and safe!

I am gaining so much insight and strength myself by reading all your comments but

one thing I can say is the action needed for resolution is easier said than done.

The comment made about what we would advise our own friends is very true.

We need to be our best friend!

[Tahoma 2,291]

Hi fellow VJer...

I'm so sorry to hear of all your troubles. I read nearly every post on this thread and I must say that I am proud of my fellow VJers for all of their good advice and compassionate responses. I am glad that their support has helped you realize what this guy is doing to you, and gave you the strength to stand up for yourself. I am a guy...and I think the way he is treating you is just plain wrong. He is way over the line...this is not love...and never will be.

The more I read through the posts, the one thing that kept coming to mind is your fear of admitting your abuse to your family and friends. I felt like this was your real problem. There was no question in my mind about your abuse. And I believe that there was very little question about it in your mind either. You knew in your gut what was wrong. That is why it made me so happy when you finally decided to talk to your family about your problems. I know it is a hard thing to admit a mistake...but why waste your life because you are too proud to admit a mistake.

I don't really know anything about the legal part and the immigration part of getting rid of this guy, but a trip to a good attorney for advice may turn out to be the smartest money that you ever spent.

Please please listen to the women posters who went through the same thing that you are going through now. This guy is a manipulator. He manipulates you and those around you. It won't stop. Counseling won't work. You need to cut your losses right now.

Believe me...there is a guy out there just for you...one who will make you feel safe and secure and happy and loved. I believe this because I can see from your posts what a sweet, wonderful, caring, and loving person you are. You deserve much better. Your new guy will be a very lucky to have you for a lifetime partner.

Hang in there...and do what you have to do. Be strong. Your family will support you. Your fellow VJers will support you. My best wishes for you.

pangga

[elkfarmer 4]

My God woman, send his A$$ home. I am sorry this is happening to you. Yes, I am already taken. sorry! However I was not born yesterday. The marriage was intered into without love , I assure you. No loving man would treat his wife that way. Never. There are just too many good men out there that would love to be married to you. You're doing "ALL THAT" and he's not satisfied. You have got to be kidding. Trust me kiddo. Relationships are not about money, race, height, weight, age or looks. It's about chemistry. And if it isn't there, it just isn't . All the counseling in the world will not change that. If you want to PM me feel free. I may be an old dude, but I have been around the block more then once and know how a woman should be treated. Mine wife will be treated like a queen , when she finally gets here.