skeptical friends and family

[Brad and Vika 129]

I have heard plenty of negative comments about my SO and our relationship, so I understand what you are going through. I even joke with her occasionally that no matter what we do, some Americans are going to think I bought her out of a web catalogue, even though we met here at a dinner party. She responds with something like "why worry about what others think?" Words to the wise. The situation will show who your real friends are. And you have to believe your family is commenting primarily because they care for you. I agree with the other posters here - talk to them, and show them. Time will erase many doubts.

Edited December 15, 2008 by Brad and Vika

[Completely 3]

how do you deal with skeptical family/ friends/ strangers (who cares) who automatically assume you're being used to obtain a greencard? i feel like i'm constantly justifying myself and our relationship; yet, people, including my father make insulting comments regularly... as if this lonely, agonizing process wasn't difficult enough.

Easy.. stand up for your wife/fiance, be there for her, and defend her in a way that you still respect them. You don't have to prove your relationship to them.. In time... they will accept her, dont rush time will come.

Been there done that, the only difference is I am the wife and my husband is american. Dont worry you are not alone..My inlaws are the same way, especially my sister in law. I had to be strong and stand for what I believe that I am his wife no matter what..Agree or disagree with it..We love each other, we have kids, I help my husband financially.. What else they can ask for? Questioning my intention as from where I was from is not the basis on what kind of person I am. I dont have to prove myself.. I told them that I have never forced or rush them to like me. Just give me a chance to know me better. My husband was in dillemma and was experiencing anxiety. He is a very happy person and I hate him to see him miserable. I had lost my control and said something mean to my sister in law which made her realized that I was not like the person they were thought of..

Now I think the conflict is resolved, my husband and her are talking now and thats good.. I am very happy for them... She told my husband that she is proud of me for being brave and stand for what i am..

Just ignore it, and do not make it an issue, always be there for your wife.. They will learn to accept them in time.. Do not worry about what other people think, worry on how you and her will work out together..

Edited December 15, 2008 by Completely

[panterchen 1]

We experienced similar things.

My friends awere afraid that I wouldn't be happy since we got engaged after only 8 months of being together. My parents were totally against it for the same reason. They started telling me whatever just to make me feel bad about what I am doing. When this didn't work, they tried to tell me how horrible he was and that he (the USC by the way) was only using me and was a marriage swindler and all kinds of BS. Now after being engaged for roughly 6 months, several visits to my family and lots of talks things got a lot better and they see that he is good for me. They are still concerned about me moving this far away but at least they don't talk sh** about him anymore.

Relax, have talks but don't defend youself because you don't have to defend your own decisions in front of anybody when it comes down to who you love.

I think proving everybody wrong is the best you can do!

[faryan 4]

how do you deal with skeptical family/ friends/ strangers (who cares) who automatically assume you're being used to obtain a greencard? i feel like i'm constantly justifying myself and our relationship; yet, people, including my father make insulting comments regularly... as if this lonely, agonizing process wasn't difficult enough.

Sometimes, or most of the times, I do feel like Im on the defensive, even if its mostly in my own mind (ie i assume people is thinking/will react negatively towards this LDR). In my case, my husband is the USC and I'm the beneficiary. His parents are very laidback supportive hippie-ish people, and in fact his older brother just got married to a girl from neighboring country to me just a couple of months before us. On the other hand, my own family is resisting to the idea somewhat. Only daughter, moving thousands of miles away, guy from diff culture, etc etc. Well, to be honest it is also my fault for not introducing him to them before I break it to them that we plan to get married, The months before he arrived for the wedding was horrible. Family, friends and acquaintances always make unwelcome comments/ask questions im too upset to answer. But anyways, once my family met him and get to know him, they felt so much better and now seem to be protective of him from their own stubborn loud daughter.

And of course now people are laughing at the very longggg and agonizing visa process. How do i deal with all these? Not very well I guess. Hiding my sadness from family and friends re this, putting up a strong front, just so i wont have to deal with them highlighting how a pain in the neck it is getting married to a USC when one cant even live together fast.. But luckily i have a very supportive SO bearing the brunt of my sorrows VJ makes me realise that we are not the only ones facing this tho.. and that helps

I wish i will achieve some level of zen with regards to this. As I wish for you too. It's usually not our choice to find happiness and companionship with someone so far away, it just happens. Just ignore what the naysayers who's not important in our life said, and hope that in time our loved ones will respect our choice in love.

[amberdima 6]

Amberdima,

You bring about a legitimate issue and if you come from a family like mine, ignoring them is not really possible. This is just where you have to be of a strong mind. Yes it is possible to be scammed. I hear stories of people being scammed by people they even grew up with back at the ol' country and recently fell in love with. It's hard when that person is a relative and telling you first hand. I understand. How do I deal with it? First, I accept that every relationship is a risk and make sure that with every step it is a risk that I am comfortable with. After that, if asked about my guy I just say "we are great!" and leave it at that. I might also throw in a "its so amazing how a long distance relationship forces you to really get to know each other. You can't hide behind good sex!" Use the second sentence only as appropriate. As someone said earlier, the nay sayers can only see for themselves. So focus on building a strong relationship. They'll come around later. I was a nay-sayer, and here I am...

wise words. thanks)

[sara..... 371]

thanks of God i didnt have any issues with my family because of religious and cultural reasons this was better than having my family make the choices for me to pick thru...my family has been very supportive.

i have had friends that made some very rude comments some are still my friends some are not......one of the ways i handle rude comments are either one ignore them, or sometimes tell them until u meet him plz hold back any negative thoughts or comments because if ur truly my friend u dont want to make this wait harder for me than it is, either support what im doing or if u cant then plz just hold back on ur judgment until after u meet him in person.

u could trying having ur father get to know ur s/o thru chat or on the phone so that there is some sort of on going communication between them before ur s/o gets here. after all if ur s/o was in the states they would prolly have already met in person, if ur father refuses this u could try to use that logic on him.

i will add u to my prayers i hope for the best for u and ur s/o and family

sara

[amberdima 6]

how do you deal with skeptical family/ friends/ strangers (who cares) who automatically assume you're being used to obtain a greencard? i feel like i'm constantly justifying myself and our relationship; yet, people, including my father make insulting comments regularly... as if this lonely, agonizing process wasn't difficult enough.

Well, looking @ your relationship history:

Met: 6-04-2008

Last visit: 8-26-2008

I-129F sent: 9-02-2008

I-129F NOA1: 9-08-2008

Touch: 9-11-2008

I could probably see why they may seem skeptical of your relationship and why they might assume you're getting used for a greencard... I'm not saying it can't happend in that short of time(for a relationship to happen), but, if it was one of my close buddies that came to me and said "hey, guess what, I'm going to marry this girl who I just met(online???) about 3/months ago... " I would be skeptical as well, and it would be cus I would be worried for him, but I can't stop him from going thru with it...

And, I probably fit under your 'strangers(who cares)' section, but you have to care, cus why else would you post a question on a public forum where strangers can give you their opinion, whether it is something you agree with or not..

If you really want to shut everyone up, go thru this and prove everyone wrong when you're still togther and have little ones running around(if you decide to have little ones ) ... but @ the same time, if it does turn into a scam, be ready for 'I told you so' and take it like a man.. either way, it's your choice in the end, you're an adult, we are all responsible for our choices..

Good luck and hope it works out for you

Ingats ka!!

i enjoyed reading this...btw- i'm a female USC and my male fiance is from belarus...however, i still have to 'take it like a man' in order to maintain sanity. also to help clarify, my fiance and i met in person on a flight to the US from france. he spent the summer in the US and we visited for a week before he returned to BY. of course, still very rushed...and yes...the K1 route is the only way we can be together...and no, normal people do not marry this quickly. but, life is full of risks...and...as many of you have said- once this process is over, what's left is a lifetime together.

[reeses16 8]

Warranted or not, there will always be people who are skeptical of your relationship for some reason or another. Your family will either "fall in or fall out." They will support and understand or not. At first my family wasn't supportive at all and I didn't expect it to change. But now he's here, and they've spent time together they love him to pieces. They couldn't imagine me with someone else. It was a wonderful surprise that my hubby and I didn't expect. As I mentioned I was prepared for their lack of support to continue. I think how you react is important. I still called my family, spent time with them etc. but I didn't continue talking about the immigration process, our plans etc. I only did so if I was asked. When they wanted to talk to me or tell me it was a bad idea, I would listen, I told them I understand that they are concerned about me, but that I trust my decision and it wasn't up for debate or discussion. I also told them that some of the things that they said were just mean and hurtful and I would not tolerate them saying these things to my SO. That usually killed the conversation, if it didn't I got off the phone or left; but I wasn't rude about it. Do whatever you need to do for sanity and peace in your own life, but know that you will not please everyone.

[iahmjpinoy 6]

how do you deal with skeptical family/ friends/ strangers (who cares) who automatically assume you're being used to obtain a greencard? i feel like i'm constantly justifying myself and our relationship; yet, people, including my father make insulting comments regularly... as if this lonely, agonizing process wasn't difficult enough.

Well, looking @ your relationship history:

Met: 6-04-2008

Last visit: 8-26-2008

I-129F sent: 9-02-2008

I-129F NOA1: 9-08-2008

Touch: 9-11-2008

I could probably see why they may seem skeptical of your relationship and why they might assume you're getting used for a greencard... I'm not saying it can't happend in that short of time(for a relationship to happen), but, if it was one of my close buddies that came to me and said "hey, guess what, I'm going to marry this girl who I just met(online???) about 3/months ago... " I would be skeptical as well, and it would be cus I would be worried for him, but I can't stop him from going thru with it...

And, I probably fit under your 'strangers(who cares)' section, but you have to care, cus why else would you post a question on a public forum where strangers can give you their opinion, whether it is something you agree with or not..

If you really want to shut everyone up, go thru this and prove everyone wrong when you're still togther and have little ones running around(if you decide to have little ones ) ... but @ the same time, if it does turn into a scam, be ready for 'I told you so' and take it like a man.. either way, it's your choice in the end, you're an adult, we are all responsible for our choices..

Good luck and hope it works out for you

Ingats ka!!

i enjoyed reading this...btw- i'm a female USC and my male fiance is from belarus...however, i still have to 'take it like a man' in order to maintain sanity. also to help clarify, my fiance and i met in person on a flight to the US from france. he spent the summer in the US and we visited for a week before he returned to BY. of course, still very rushed...and yes...the K1 route is the only way we can be together...and no, normal people do not marry this quickly. but, life is full of risks...and...as many of you have said- once this process is over, what's left is a lifetime together.

, my bad.. couldn't tell who was posting out of the relationship and not that much info on how you met, thanks for clearing that up... .. how about take it like an adult..hehehe.. you sound like you know the risk of a rushed relationship, plus the wait for the process to be done should give you more time to get to know each other better.. take the risk, cus the greatest risk is to risk nothing..

I think the people that are not making rude comments and asking just the who/what/how questions are probably just concern for you and maybe not coming across in that way... oh well, you alone will make the final choice, and that is all that matters, you will just have to deal with the outcome(wishing it's the good part)

Hope it all works out and you enjoy your lifetime together...

Ingats!!

[Dan & Juan 12]

how do you deal with skeptical family/ friends/ strangers (who cares) who automatically assume you're being used to obtain a greencard? i feel like i'm constantly justifying myself and our relationship; yet, people, including my father make insulting comments regularly... as if this lonely, agonizing process wasn't difficult enough.

I actually have been amazed how many family, friends, and loose acquaintances have voiced their support and interest in my situation. I always ask or they offer some advice or experience with this and it is always welcome.

Now HER family is a different story. Her immediate family accepts that we are sincere, but extended relatives just don't understand. Time will tell how they accept!

[Laura+Tom 2]

I usually just get the 'cool' or 'you must have guts to do that'. Lately all I've been getting from my boss is 'You really should watch Deliverance' or 'have you learnt to play the banjo?'. I'm moving to Alabama. Luckily they are joking and wish all the best for me.

[pushbrk 12,598]

how do you deal with skeptical family/ friends/ strangers (who cares) who automatically assume you're being used to obtain a greencard? i feel like i'm constantly justifying myself and our relationship; yet, people, including my father make insulting comments regularly... as if this lonely, agonizing process wasn't difficult enough.

I actually have been amazed how many family, friends, and loose acquaintances have voiced their support and interest in my situation. I always ask or they offer some advice or experience with this and it is always welcome.

Now HER family is a different story. Her immediate family accepts that we are sincere, but extended relatives just don't understand. Time will tell how they accept!

One thing I've found with Chinese families generally is their acceptance of you can hinge on how you treat them and how they see you treat their daughter. My wife's mother died two years before we met but when they finally found a suitable place to inter her ashes with a headstone, my name appears on the headstone as part of her family. I was touched. My wife's younger sister is likely to marry an American next week. I'm sure they'll treat him well too. My wife does come from a military officer's family with good connections and education. Fortunately, each and every one of them, including her brother's wife's side of the family are great people. Also fortunately for visa purposes, none of the children ever joined the Communist Party.

I didn't have parents to react to the situation but both my daughters and their husbands were able to participate in webcam sessions early in the visa process but after we married. That helped them see the kind of relationship we had. I recommend this in all situations where practical and on both sides. My wife's daughter and sister participated in our first webcam call and they were on board from that day forward.

Edited December 15, 2008 by pushbrk

[christera22 8]

how do you deal with skeptical family/ friends/ strangers (who cares) who automatically assume you're being used to obtain a greencard? i feel like i'm constantly justifying myself and our relationship; yet, people, including my father make insulting comments regularly... as if this lonely, agonizing process wasn't difficult enough.

Maybe you are getting scamed! Sh!t Happens. You wouldn't be the first.

Father does know best "sometimes"

Amberdima,

You bring about a legitimate issue and if you come from a family like mine, ignoring them is not really possible. This is just where you have to be of a strong mind. Yes it is possible to be scammed. I hear stories of people being scammed by people they even grew up with back at the ol' country and recently fell in love with. It's hard when that person is a relative and telling you first hand. I understand. How do I deal with it? First, I accept that every relationship is a risk and make sure that with every step it is a risk that I am comfortable with. After that, if asked about my guy I just say "we are great!" and leave it at that. I might also throw in a "its so amazing how a long distance relationship forces you to really get to know each other. You can't hide behind good sex!" Use the second sentence only as appropriate. As someone said earlier, the nay sayers can only see for themselves. So focus on building a strong relationship. They'll come around later. I was a nay-sayer, and here I am...

Hmmm yes some here has given great replies .............. and to some others i must strongly oppose .... Yes from his history it may seem that he rushed to marry. But its not our duty here to comment on whether its scam or not. The OP knows it the best. Yes great reply Koakland. BUt yes Amberdima its true that usage for Greencard happens. I am from India and married my fiance after we met for purely business perpose. Now some of her relatives daughter and she even herself was sceptical that i am using her for Green card . No hard feelings here but let me say this here. Most americans are foolish enough to think USA to be the world and people around the world and craving to become US citizens !! . At least in India the way we live is extreme luxury. And believe me i wanted to go back 2-3 times as i found things to be so creepy, narrow, shelfish, unfriendly here. USA does have its own charisma and good things , that does not mean that people around the world are ready to leave everything in their homeland just to become us citizens. So such an idea that we are all eager for US green card is a total idiocy to think. So anyways you shd depend on your own senses to know your partner. My wife now knows that I am staying only & only for her, may be in future we wd try to relocate to some other country. Thanks and sorry for my words .

Edited December 15, 2008 by christera22

[pushbrk 12,598]

Amberdima,

You bring about a legitimate issue and if you come from a family like mine, ignoring them is not really possible. This is just where you have to be of a strong mind. Yes it is possible to be scammed. I hear stories of people being scammed by people they even grew up with back at the ol' country and recently fell in love with. It's hard when that person is a relative and telling you first hand. I understand. How do I deal with it? First, I accept that every relationship is a risk and make sure that with every step it is a risk that I am comfortable with. After that, if asked about my guy I just say "we are great!" and leave it at that. I might also throw in a "its so amazing how a long distance relationship forces you to really get to know each other. You can't hide behind good sex!" Use the second sentence only as appropriate. As someone said earlier, the nay sayers can only see for themselves. So focus on building a strong relationship. They'll come around later. I was a nay-sayer, and here I am...

Hmmm yes some here has given great replies .............. and to some others i must strongly oppose .... Yes from his history it may seem that he rushed to marry. But its not our duty here to comment on whether its scam or not. The OP knows it the best. Yes great reply Koakland. BUt yes Amberdima its true that usage for Greencard happens. I am from India and married my fiance after we met for purely business perpose. Now some of her relatives daughter and she even herself was sceptical that i am using her for Green card . No hard feelings here but let me say this here. Most americans are foolish enough to think USA to be the world and people around the world and craving to become US citizens !! . At least in India the way we live is extreme luxury. And believe me i wanted to go back 2-3 times as i found things to be so creepy, narrow, shelfish, unfriendly here. USA does have its own charisma and good things , that does not mean that people around the world are ready to leave everything in their homeland just to become us citizens. So such an idea that we are all eager for US green card is a total idiocy to think. So anyways you shd depend on your own senses to know your partner. My wife now knows that I am staying only & only for her, may be in future we wd try to relocate to some other country. Thanks and sorry for my words .

To think, "So such an idea that we are all eager for US green card..." may well be total idiocy. However since nobody asserted that, what label do you use for misinterpreting such a thought?

My wife had a great life in China too but was looking for something she had little chance finding in China, a loving husband who would treat her well. Not much chance of that for a divorced mother of a daughter in China. At the same time, Guangzhou has a high visa fraud rate. Ignorance is usually the cause of the problems we're discussing here, so information is the best cure.

Edited December 15, 2008 by pushbrk

[christera22 8]

Amberdima,

You bring about a legitimate issue and if you come from a family like mine, ignoring them is not really possible. This is just where you have to be of a strong mind. Yes it is possible to be scammed. I hear stories of people being scammed by people they even grew up with back at the ol' country and recently fell in love with. It's hard when that person is a relative and telling you first hand. I understand. How do I deal with it? First, I accept that every relationship is a risk and make sure that with every step it is a risk that I am comfortable with. After that, if asked about my guy I just say "we are great!" and leave it at that. I might also throw in a "its so amazing how a long distance relationship forces you to really get to know each other. You can't hide behind good sex!" Use the second sentence only as appropriate. As someone said earlier, the nay sayers can only see for themselves. So focus on building a strong relationship. They'll come around later. I was a nay-sayer, and here I am...

Hmmm yes some here has given great replies .............. and to some others i must strongly oppose .... Yes from his history it may seem that he rushed to marry. But its not our duty here to comment on whether its scam or not. The OP knows it the best. Yes great reply Koakland. BUt yes Amberdima its true that usage for Greencard happens. I am from India and married my fiance after we met for purely business perpose. Now some of her relatives daughter and she even herself was sceptical that i am using her for Green card . No hard feelings here but let me say this here. Most americans are foolish enough to think USA to be the world and people around the world and craving to become US citizens !! . At least in India the way we live is extreme luxury. And believe me i wanted to go back 2-3 times as i found things to be so creepy, narrow, shelfish, unfriendly here. USA does have its own charisma and good things , that does not mean that people around the world are ready to leave everything in their homeland just to become us citizens. So such an idea that we are all eager for US green card is a total idiocy to think. So anyways you shd depend on your own senses to know your partner. My wife now knows that I am staying only & only for her, may be in future we wd try to relocate to some other country. Thanks and sorry for my words .

To think, "So such an idea that we are all eager for US green card..." may well be total idiocy. However since nobody asserted that, what label do you use for misinterpreting such a thought?

My wife had a great life in China too but was looking for something she had little chance finding in China, a loving husband who would treat her well. Not much chance of that for a divorced mother of a daughter in China. At the same time, Guangzhou has a high visa fraud rate. Ignorance is usually the cause of the problems we're discussing here, so information is the best cure.

I agree Pushbrk. I am extremely sorry if i hurt anybody`s feeling. BUt yes i was quite surprised when i heard that sceptical stuff from my wifes relatives & the area where from I come in India has zero visa fraud, i made them aware of that. So when i made them understand the type of life and goods we have in India, they were certain . And yes the best cure to this sort of a situation is mixing more with the family and gain their trust and love. Thats what I did . Now my wifes grand daughter cant stay without me. And did several activities with my wifes daughter and we are great now .... so more intermixing & exchange of thoughts and ideas and making them more aware of your society and culture wd of course help .... Thanks

Edited December 15, 2008 by christera22