skeptical friends and family

[amberdima 6]

how do you deal with skeptical family/ friends/ strangers (who cares) who automatically assume you're being used to obtain a greencard? i feel like i'm constantly justifying myself and our relationship; yet, people, including my father make insulting comments regularly... as if this lonely, agonizing process wasn't difficult enough.

[HappyDancer 7]

That is not good at all. I honestly would just ignore it if it were some random stranger. But when it is family, you can't do that. I would suggest a good sit down and talk like adults. Your dad does not have any right to be rude whatsoever. I believe in building relationships instead of destroying them. But if your dad can't do it, and you can't get along because you have chosen the unconventional path in choosing a partner then go ahead and avoid them. Harsh but it's the way I would see it.

Thank God my future in-laws are the best in the world!

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I agree with happy on this...sit downand talk to the people who's opinions you care about..

[HappyDancer 7]

Will pray for you on this. Maybe your dad just needs to see that this is a mature decision on your end.

[Dakine 26]

Maybe you are getting scamed! Sh!t Happens. You wouldn't be the first.

Father does know best "sometimes"

Edited December 15, 2008 by Haole

[amberdima 6]

Will pray for you on this. Maybe your dad just needs to see that this is a mature decision on your end.

thank you for the support. things seem to be getting more difficult with time, as i'm sure you know! god bless us all...

[Twisted K 2]

I will tell you what I was told, pray for them . My mom suggested that I tell people that the subject on my fiance and myself is closed. I have been told he was a "mail-order" husband, i am getting used, someone talk some sense into her. anyways, if you are in love, what it all boils down to is, what you do ultimately is between you, your fiance, and your God. and as i told my family and friends, if it is a mistake, pray for me, but remember, it is my mistake to make

my 3 cents

[Yader&Sarah 0]

Initially, my family just didn't talk about it. at all. didn't ask me, didn't mention, it was like 'an elephant in the room.' which of course really hurt. They are starting to come around though. At first I found it really hard not to be really defensive, but I think this makes it worse. By being defensive, it's almost like succumbing to their negative thoughts.

I thinks it's really hard too because no one in my family has met my fiance, nor can they really speak with him (broken spanglish convos on crappy internet phones...)...In a rare, but meaningful heart to heart with my mom, she gave me the best advice, it put my defensive attitude to rest at least.

She said, "You are never going to be able to convince anyone, they will have to see it for themselves with their own eyes. It may take months, it may take years, but in the end the only way you will be able to 'convince' them is by living your lives happy together."

[Yader&Sarah 0]

I will tell you what I was told, pray for them . My mom suggested that I tell people that the subject on my fiance and myself is closed. I have been told he was a "mail-order" husband, i am getting used, someone talk some sense into her. anyways, if you are in love, what it all boils down to is, what you do ultimately is between you, your fiance, and your God. and as i told my family and friends, if it is a mistake, pray for me, but remember, it is my mistake to make

my 3 cents

amen! and

[longdistancelove 0]

Amberdima,

You bring about a legitimate issue and if you come from a family like mine, ignoring them is not really possible. This is just where you have to be of a strong mind. Yes it is possible to be scammed. I hear stories of people being scammed by people they even grew up with back at the ol' country and recently fell in love with. It's hard when that person is a relative and telling you first hand. I understand. How do I deal with it? First, I accept that every relationship is a risk and make sure that with every step it is a risk that I am comfortable with. After that, if asked about my guy I just say "we are great!" and leave it at that. I might also throw in a "its so amazing how a long distance relationship forces you to really get to know each other. You can't hide behind good sex!" Use the second sentence only as appropriate. As someone said earlier, the nay sayers can only see for themselves. So focus on building a strong relationship. They'll come around later. I was a nay-sayer, and here I am...

[chris-lei 1]

You can't please everybody and the more you try to explain yourself to your family, the more they will look for flaws in your relationship. For now, do what you have to do, like getting on with the petition. Then when you and your fiancee get married , just show to your family and friends that you found the best girl for you. I just hope that your family can see that your fiancee makes you a better person in every aspect.

Goodluck! May you have a happy ending!

[Koakland 0]

My family has always been really supportive of my relationship as they have met my fiance and he has come to visit me several times in the US. On the other hand, some of my friends have voiced concerns over my LDR and our decision to go the K1 route. They didn't think that my fiance was trying to scam me but they thought that we were getting married prematurely because we were tired of traveling back and forth. After some explaining I basically left it at, "This is none of your business and the matter is no longer up for discussion." I got tired of my friends asking me "are you sure that you're ready? what if it doesn't work out? you've never lived together before." Really this is your life and your decision to make. You need all the support you can get from friends and family right now. Some of your friends and family may really be concerned about your well-being while others just want to share their opinions on something they know nothing about. That was my experience.

I can be very forward and frank with people especially when I think they are being rude. So this is what I have done:

Close Friends - I love my fiance. He loves me. This is not an easy process. I need your support. I know that you will love my fiance as much as I do. We will have a wonderful marriage. I know that you are concerned about me but your questions are insulting. I have answered your questions. Do not ask me about this again.

Friends & Acquaintances - My fiance and I are getting married because we love each other. You do not know my fiance and your assumptions are insulting and inappropriate. Do not ask me about this again.

Complete Strangers - You do not know me or my fiance. And you are very rude.

That's how I deal with it.

Edited December 15, 2008 by Koakland

[iahmjpinoy 6]

how do you deal with skeptical family/ friends/ strangers (who cares) who automatically assume you're being used to obtain a greencard? i feel like i'm constantly justifying myself and our relationship; yet, people, including my father make insulting comments regularly... as if this lonely, agonizing process wasn't difficult enough.

Well, looking @ your relationship history:

Met: 6-04-2008

Last visit: 8-26-2008

I-129F sent: 9-02-2008

I-129F NOA1: 9-08-2008

Touch: 9-11-2008

I could probably see why they may seem skeptical of your relationship and why they might assume you're getting used for a greencard... I'm not saying it can't happend in that short of time(for a relationship to happen), but, if it was one of my close buddies that came to me and said "hey, guess what, I'm going to marry this girl who I just met(online???) about 3/months ago... " I would be skeptical as well, and it would be cus I would be worried for him, but I can't stop him from going thru with it...

And, I probably fit under your 'strangers(who cares)' section, but you have to care, cus why else would you post a question on a public forum where strangers can give you their opinion, whether it is something you agree with or not..

If you really want to shut everyone up, go thru this and prove everyone wrong when you're still togther and have little ones running around(if you decide to have little ones ) ... but @ the same time, if it does turn into a scam, be ready for 'I told you so' and take it like a man.. either way, it's your choice in the end, you're an adult, we are all responsible for our choices..

Good luck and hope it works out for you

Ingats ka!!

Edited December 15, 2008 by iahmjpinoy

[Breezie54 2]

Amberdina.. i truly understand what you are going through, I met my Fiance nearly 4 years ago online, we became great friends, best friends and then fell in love and have been engaged since September last year, I have had two trips to the US since then, last year for 2 months and this year for 3 months when Leo flew back to Aussie with me to meet my Family and Friends, everyone but my Mother loves him and wants nothing but the best for us, she has been making my life hell with all the negative comments and trying to guilt me out by saying "How could you do this to me?" Ive done nothing to her, but fall in love with a wonderful man, and want to move there and enjoy the rest of our lives together, our relationship was not so swift as yours, so i would suggest you let your friends and family know a bit more about your fiance.. as you say going through the paperwork and red tape is enough stress!

I wish you well and hope it all works out for you both..

Cheers Breezie

[Ken1 0]

At the risk of sounding a bit vulgar, a wise woman once told me:

"Opinions are like a##holes... everyone's got one!"

Only you and your partner truly know what goes on between you. If you really love each other and you feel and know that, you're doing great! Don't start to doubt yourself based on others. Our friends, family and loved ones' comments can have an effect on us, that's unavoidable, but remember, they don't know what you know, and in time they will understand - the proof is in the pudding!

All the best for you and yours!