feelings about revenge and deportation when things dont work out

[bhajishah 4]

Well if we were true Muslims and living the Islam life right wouldnt be any problems, would be respect and acceptance. Grief but a brief problem because death is will of ALLAH. So we can blame culture, ami and all things that were present and seen when you met. We can plot revenge, what is this guilt for marrying non=american. WE can do all these things. Deny major depressive ideations. You come up with everything but a plan. in this respects of hurting yourself and others. Those who worry about you and try to help get condemned. Take more downers and play victim and Martry some more. Im betting husband will be glad to see you. Maybe he is complete azzhole. thats his problem and these things he will have to live with and answer for. Or he feeling disconnected and out of place. so he needs to learn how to mesh and survive successfully in society. Time to make a good plan on d move on and get out of that hole which maybe you didnt dig, but you are making it deeper. And hell bent on dragging others into it with you. And this doesnt affect your kids ha! Get another therapist and clue in the NP (diadde your med suggestions right on) . And yah being kind might make him worse. Heck yah i hit hubby here with the quran and discussions ie arguments, not openly though in quiet behind closed doors with family/friend involvement as necessary.And life is alot better when there is limit, boundries and understanding. If you dont have this constructive way to handle differences then ALLAH help pyou to find right path, this doesnt fall in lap from heaven. You have to do your part to succeed. Next post I want to read is you doing better with wha tyou described as inner Jihad struggle. and Inshallah the outer will be no problem for you..Qhudda Hafiz

[bhajishah 4]

and if you want exclusive privacy. go to yahoo messenger, there is no secret password for this thread or any threads here..entitlement. hmmph

[merijan 0]

You know hanging in there, kat, I have posted many times and if you choose to ignore them it is perfectly ok with me. But what I have to say is not to down you,youve already been there, not to put you in ur place , you have lived that, not to cause you emotion, or make you angry you go through that all the time. Because YOu choose to live and stay with an abusive man.

Now either you are a liar, and all the storys you have posted here are out and out fabrication and lies, or this man you married is an Abuser. And abusive men never ever ever ever change so easily if they ever ever ever change at all, .. ever.

So here is the thinng if you wnat your children to grow up thinking it is ok to marry an abuser or to be one go ahead and stay with this man, and destroy their ego, soul , and future. If you want to stand up against abuse and say this is never ever ever ever ok and teach them that then you must never take him back.

As I stated several times before you are not ready for that. You want to stay with the abuser and allow your children to see that, and YOU are the one responsible for them YOU are the one who can claim your freedom from abuse. You are fortunate to live in the USA where victoms have ALL the rights and abusers have NONE. So take that adavatage . There are abused women in all walks of life , and I lived 10 years with this , and I will tell any woman I see who is willing to listen , the truth about abusive men.

So please RESPECT YOURSELF NOW,, Give that gift to your children.

LOOK in the mirror, thats your daughter years from now . YOU want that pain fo rher??

Stop it now for them. FOR you you are a worthy , beautifull, smart , woman. YOu are a Muslim .. Allah would never condone this for you.

Think about this. And I know if your not ready to stand up you wont. Inshallah some day you will.

I think that you have many good points but I dont agree that people cannot change because I have seen some who have....its a choice..and some people make it and survive difficult things...I understand your perspective and unfortunately not all muslim men do what they are supposed to do by islam.. they batter and beat and cheat and drink and do god knows what..so mentioning islam and the acts of some muslims in the same sentence is in itself haram...

I am not sure what you meant. I did not mention anything about"Islam and the acts of some muslims " in ANY sentence.

I was trying to point out the fact that abusive men, no matter what religion, or ethnicity are just that Abusive. and to change takes alot of time. Its not something that happens so easily . I was also trying to show you how it effects your children. However any choice you make is your own. If you want that , thats your life.

Merjan, I am trying to help my husband by changing the way I deal with him and I will help him into therapy. ( which he attended with me the last 5 sessions) We most likely will divorce but I do love him and he lost things too and I want to help him leave with love and patience. You are saying that ALLAH would never condone this for me but its no secret that spousal abuse within the muslim community is not uncommon... so me being a good muslim has nothing to do with what you are taking about...I chose Islam 7 years ago because it gave me structure and peace and made me happy. I liked the sense of community. I also like the forgiving nature of Islam ... fasting to clear your sins...patience..You are demanding I leave my husband instead of recommending that he get help and change and I doubt any muslim who you know would advocate that in real life.. Islam is about patience and prayer.. and thickr.. and working hard towards things JIHAD.. jihad means to struggle. I love my husband and even in divorce, I will be kind to him and treat him with love and patience.If we divorce, it will not be uncivil because I dont want it to be. He made alot of mistakes.. every one in the book...but all the times I have been with him have not been awful. I think he DOES exhibit alot of what you are talking about.. and I also think had I not been abused in the past severely I would never have gotten involved with him. He isnt round the clock unkind which is why I didnt pick up on things.. The therapy has changed things for me as well as him leaving for a month... I know you mean well but you dont understand that I have already processed him leaving and am trying to let go in my own way.I understand your point of view and its not wrong but I want him to get help ...even if he leaves... I want him leaving in good emotional shape...

You do whats best for you and your kids. If you want abuse around your kids so be it. I am not demanding anything, if you choose abusive relationship , your choice. And I encourage all marriage of Muslims to work things out, EXCEPT where there is abuse because I will never encourage anyone to put themselves or their children throught that for the sake of "marriage" thats not a real husband. So good luck to you and keep on trying, maybe he will change in time. I hope Inshallah your childrens suffering is minimal.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Well if we were true Muslims and living the Islam life right wouldnt be any problems, would be respect and acceptance. Grief but a brief problem because death is will of ALLAH. So we can blame culture, ami and all things that were present and seen when you met. We can plot revenge, what is this guilt for marrying non=american. WE can do all these things. Deny major depressive ideations. You come up with everything but a plan. in this respects of hurting yourself and others. Those who worry about you and try to help get condemned. Take more downers and play victim and Martry some more. Im betting husband will be glad to see you. Maybe he is complete azzhole. thats his problem and these things he will have to live with and answer for. Or he feeling disconnected and out of place. so he needs to learn how to mesh and survive successfully in society. Time to make a good plan on d move on and get out of that hole which maybe you didnt dig, but you are making it deeper. And hell bent on dragging others into it with you. And this doesnt affect your kids ha! Get another therapist and clue in the NP (diadde your med suggestions right on) . And yah being kind might make him worse. Heck yah i hit hubby here with the quran and discussions ie arguments, not openly though in quiet behind closed doors with family/friend involvement as necessary.And life is alot better when there is limit, boundries and understanding. If you dont have this constructive way to handle differences then ALLAH help pyou to find right path, this doesnt fall in lap from heaven. You have to do your part to succeed. Next post I want to read is you doing better with wha tyou described as inner Jihad struggle. and Inshallah the outer will be no problem for you..Qhudda Hafiz

I really didnt understand your post in its entirety but I dont think I am dragging people anywhere. I actually am doing ok.. I am grieving but I am not crying 24 hours a day... I am taking care of my family and doing the best I can. Not withstanding anything else. I would like to know what this obsession is that people have with pharmaceuticals. They arent the savior for everyone.. Some people need their lives changed and rearranged..Good points about alot of things.. Id rather lean on the practical and the spiritual side of life than medicate my lifes issues away.. Medicine can help but its not an answer..it s a temporary solution sometimes to something that needs to be changed behaviorally

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

You know hanging in there, kat, I have posted many times and if you choose to ignore them it is perfectly ok with me. But what I have to say is not to down you,youve already been there, not to put you in ur place , you have lived that, not to cause you emotion, or make you angry you go through that all the time. Because YOu choose to live and stay with an abusive man.

Now either you are a liar, and all the storys you have posted here are out and out fabrication and lies, or this man you married is an Abuser. And abusive men never ever ever ever change so easily if they ever ever ever change at all, .. ever.

So here is the thinng if you wnat your children to grow up thinking it is ok to marry an abuser or to be one go ahead and stay with this man, and destroy their ego, soul , and future. If you want to stand up against abuse and say this is never ever ever ever ok and teach them that then you must never take him back.

As I stated several times before you are not ready for that. You want to stay with the abuser and allow your children to see that, and YOU are the one responsible for them YOU are the one who can claim your freedom from abuse. You are fortunate to live in the USA where victoms have ALL the rights and abusers have NONE. So take that adavatage . There are abused women in all walks of life , and I lived 10 years with this , and I will tell any woman I see who is willing to listen , the truth about abusive men.

So please RESPECT YOURSELF NOW,, Give that gift to your children.

LOOK in the mirror, thats your daughter years from now . YOU want that pain fo rher??

Stop it now for them. FOR you you are a worthy , beautifull, smart , woman. YOu are a Muslim .. Allah would never condone this for you.

Think about this. And I know if your not ready to stand up you wont. Inshallah some day you will.

I think that you have many good points but I dont agree that people cannot change because I have seen some who have....its a choice..and some people make it and survive difficult things...I understand your perspective and unfortunately not all muslim men do what they are supposed to do by islam.. they batter and beat and cheat and drink and do god knows what..so mentioning islam and the acts of some muslims in the same sentence is in itself haram...

I am not sure what you meant. I did not mention anything about"Islam and the acts of some muslims " in ANY sentence.

I was trying to point out the fact that abusive men, no matter what religion, or ethnicity are just that Abusive. and to change takes alot of time. Its not something that happens so easily . I was also trying to show you how it effects your children. However any choice you make is your own. If you want that , thats your life.

Merjan, I am trying to help my husband by changing the way I deal with him and I will help him into therapy. ( which he attended with me the last 5 sessions) We most likely will divorce but I do love him and he lost things too and I want to help him leave with love and patience. You are saying that ALLAH would never condone this for me but its no secret that spousal abuse within the muslim community is not uncommon... so me being a good muslim has nothing to do with what you are taking about...I chose Islam 7 years ago because it gave me structure and peace and made me happy. I liked the sense of community. I also like the forgiving nature of Islam ... fasting to clear your sins...patience..You are demanding I leave my husband instead of recommending that he get help and change and I doubt any muslim who you know would advocate that in real life.. Islam is about patience and prayer.. and thickr.. and working hard towards things JIHAD.. jihad means to struggle. I love my husband and even in divorce, I will be kind to him and treat him with love and patience.If we divorce, it will not be uncivil because I dont want it to be. He made alot of mistakes.. every one in the book...but all the times I have been with him have not been awful. I think he DOES exhibit alot of what you are talking about.. and I also think had I not been abused in the past severely I would never have gotten involved with him. He isnt round the clock unkind which is why I didnt pick up on things.. The therapy has changed things for me as well as him leaving for a month... I know you mean well but you dont understand that I have already processed him leaving and am trying to let go in my own way.I understand your point of view and its not wrong but I want him to get help ...even if he leaves... I want him leaving in good emotional shape...

You do whats best for you and your kids. If you want abuse around your kids so be it. I am not demanding anything, if you choose abusive relationship , your choice. And I encourage all marriage of Muslims to work things out, EXCEPT where there is abuse because I will never encourage anyone to put themselves or their children throught that for the sake of "marriage" thats not a real husband. So good luck to you and keep on trying, maybe he will change in time. I hope Inshallah your childrens suffering is minimal.

Inshallah. Allahs will be done in my life.. I will practice patience and put my faith that this is my maktoob and accept that he has a path for me...He knows what he should do and inshallah Allah convict his heart and help him find the right path

[merijan 0]

You know hanging in there, kat, I have posted many times and if you choose to ignore them it is perfectly ok with me. But what I have to say is not to down you,youve already been there, not to put you in ur place , you have lived that, not to cause you emotion, or make you angry you go through that all the time. Because YOu choose to live and stay with an abusive man.

Now either you are a liar, and all the storys you have posted here are out and out fabrication and lies, or this man you married is an Abuser. And abusive men never ever ever ever change so easily if they ever ever ever change at all, .. ever.

So here is the thinng if you wnat your children to grow up thinking it is ok to marry an abuser or to be one go ahead and stay with this man, and destroy their ego, soul , and future. If you want to stand up against abuse and say this is never ever ever ever ok and teach them that then you must never take him back.

As I stated several times before you are not ready for that. You want to stay with the abuser and allow your children to see that, and YOU are the one responsible for them YOU are the one who can claim your freedom from abuse. You are fortunate to live in the USA where victoms have ALL the rights and abusers have NONE. So take that adavatage . There are abused women in all walks of life , and I lived 10 years with this , and I will tell any woman I see who is willing to listen , the truth about abusive men.

So please RESPECT YOURSELF NOW,, Give that gift to your children.

LOOK in the mirror, thats your daughter years from now . YOU want that pain fo rher??

Stop it now for them. FOR you you are a worthy , beautifull, smart , woman. YOu are a Muslim .. Allah would never condone this for you.

Think about this. And I know if your not ready to stand up you wont. Inshallah some day you will.

I think that you have many good points but I dont agree that people cannot change because I have seen some who have....its a choice..and some people make it and survive difficult things...I understand your perspective and unfortunately not all muslim men do what they are supposed to do by islam.. they batter and beat and cheat and drink and do god knows what..so mentioning islam and the acts of some muslims in the same sentence is in itself haram...

I am not sure what you meant. I did not mention anything about"Islam and the acts of some muslims " in ANY sentence.

I was trying to point out the fact that abusive men, no matter what religion, or ethnicity are just that Abusive. and to change takes alot of time. Its not something that happens so easily . I was also trying to show you how it effects your children. However any choice you make is your own. If you want that , thats your life.

Merjan, I am trying to help my husband by changing the way I deal with him and I will help him into therapy. ( which he attended with me the last 5 sessions) We most likely will divorce but I do love him and he lost things too and I want to help him leave with love and patience. You are saying that ALLAH would never condone this for me but its no secret that spousal abuse within the muslim community is not uncommon... so me being a good muslim has nothing to do with what you are taking about...I chose Islam 7 years ago because it gave me structure and peace and made me happy. I liked the sense of community. I also like the forgiving nature of Islam ... fasting to clear your sins...patience..You are demanding I leave my husband instead of recommending that he get help and change and I doubt any muslim who you know would advocate that in real life.. Islam is about patience and prayer.. and thickr.. and working hard towards things JIHAD.. jihad means to struggle. I love my husband and even in divorce, I will be kind to him and treat him with love and patience.If we divorce, it will not be uncivil because I dont want it to be. He made alot of mistakes.. every one in the book...but all the times I have been with him have not been awful. I think he DOES exhibit alot of what you are talking about.. and I also think had I not been abused in the past severely I would never have gotten involved with him. He isnt round the clock unkind which is why I didnt pick up on things.. The therapy has changed things for me as well as him leaving for a month... I know you mean well but you dont understand that I have already processed him leaving and am trying to let go in my own way.I understand your point of view and its not wrong but I want him to get help ...even if he leaves... I want him leaving in good emotional shape...

You do whats best for you and your kids. If you want abuse around your kids so be it. I am not demanding anything, if you choose abusive relationship , your choice. And I encourage all marriage of Muslims to work things out, EXCEPT where there is abuse because I will never encourage anyone to put themselves or their children throught that for the sake of "marriage" thats not a real husband. So good luck to you and keep on trying, maybe he will change in time. I hope Inshallah your childrens suffering is minimal.

Inshallah. Allahs will be done in my life.. I will practice patience and put my faith that this is my maktoob and accept that he has a path for me...He knows what he should do and inshallah Allah convict his heart and help him find the right path

I truely hope so . You have been through so much. And you are stronger than you think. I see it in you, but I just wish for you as I wish for other strong , good women to be treated they way they should be treated. I have a wonderfull muslim man now that gives me respect. and I am so thankfull to Allah for that. Its so different when someone truely loves and respects you. This is not to say he is perfect. We struggle like everyone . But he never ever disrespects or abuses me and I have to tell you this is the best feeling. I was very cautious because I would never want my kids to go through an emotional rolar coaster like they did with thier real dad. I just wanted to show you that you dont have to go through that pain again . I hope Inshallah you will find peace.

salam

[diadromous mermaid 36]

You have just proven to me that my recommendation is more apt than I suspected before. You have no circle of individuals, close enough to you to see a change in demeanor in you, and as such, your view of how you are is the only one you can work with.

Once again I will say, that without polling every member on this forum, you are operating on your perception of what each and every one of us as had to endure. I don't wish to hammer the point, but what do you know of any of us?

Don't be ridiculous! My comment on the variety of reasons why you felt abandoned by your family and husband during this crisis was to indicate to you that there might be other factors in play. You have just confirmed that fact, and yet you had expectations of each and everyone of them that were unrealistic given the information you have finally shared. I am sorry your family has been essentially dysfunctional. It is difficult to handle what you have, even with a healthy family nearby. Add to that a family that has its own set of issues and that can make it practically impossible to get the supportyou might have needed. Yet, in each and every post you've made in the last few weeks you appeared very clearly distressed that certain members never stepped up to the plate when they were needed. Sadly, that is the product of a set of expectation that you have of others that might simply be unrealistic.

I have read most of your posts during this crisis. I don't recall everything, but I don't recall seeing that your husband attended 5 counseling sessions with you. If that is the case, then he attempted to improve the manner in which he was responding to the traumatic events. As far as I can recall, you never painted him in such a way before. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Same goes for your family.

A few weeks back you advised another individual that was facing a loss to:

Prescrimed medication WORKS. And honestly, I think you should go on something if you are not at risk of being pregnant. It can save you alot of time and the meds have gotten so high speed, you will be pulled out of depression land lickety split. Or you can be hard headed and take up potholder making while you sit in torment.

yet now you proclaim that they are not right for you! And as for the comment that pharmaceuticals are not for you, pray tell, what do you think the visaril is, other than a pharmaceutical?

I don't know what else to say to you to show you that your perception of how you are might not be the most accurate one. However, at the end of the day, you are functioning and choosing the path you take. My only hope is that you realise that we too have witnessed your emotional pain, albeit from cyber space and that might annoy you, but it doesn't mean that we have not been around to witness what you've been going through.

Edited December 16, 2008 by diadromous mermaid

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

You have just proven to me that my recommendation is more apt than I suspected before. You have no circle of individuals, close enough to you to see a change in demeanor in you, and as such, your view of how you are is the only one you can work with.

Once again I will say, that without polling every member on this forum, you are operating on your perception of what each and every one of us as had to endure. I don\\\'t wish to hammer the point, but what do you know of any of us?

Don\\\'t be ridiculous! My comment on the variety of reasons why you felt abandoned by your family and husband during this crisis was to indicate to you that there might be other factors in play. You have just confirmed that fact, and yet you had expectations of each and everyone of them that were unrealistic given the information you have finally shared. I am sorry your family has been essentially dysfunctional. It is difficult to handle what you have, even with a healthy family nearby. Add to that a family that has its own set of issues and that can make it practically imposssible to get the supportyou might have needed. Yet, in each and every post you\\\'ve made in the last few weeks you appeared very clearly distressed that certain members never stepped up to the plate when they were needed. Sadly, that is the product of a set of expectation that you have of others that might simply be unrealistic.

I have read most of your posts during this crisis. I don\\\'t recall everything, but I don\\\'t recall seeing that your husband attended 5 counseling sessions with you. If that is the case, then he attempted to improve the manner in which he was responding to the traumatic events. As far as I can recall, you never painted him in such a way before. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Same goes for your family.

A few weeks back you advised another individual that was facing a loss to:

Prescrimed medication WORKS. And honestly, I think you should go on something if you are not at risk of being pregnant. It can save you alot of time and the meds have gotten so high speed, you will be pulled out of depression land lickety split. Or you can be hard headed and take up potholder making while you sit in torment.

yet now you proclaim that they are not right for you! And as for the comment that pharmaceuticals are not for you, pray tell, what do you think the visaril is, other than a pharmaceutical?

I don't know what else to say to you to show you that your perception of how you are might not be the most accurate one. However, at the end of the day, you are functioning and choosing the path you take. My only hope is that you realise that we too have witnessed your emotional pain, albeit from cyber space and that might annoy you, but it doesn\\\'t mean that we have not been around to witness what you\'ve been going through.

My therapist comes to my house and he was at some of the sessions. I asked that he be a part of them because I feel like he needs to grieve as well. He told the therapist that its not good if I cry or grieve and she has struggled with him as well.I am trying to reconcile with my husband and am trying to stay married. He did do things that were off the chain such as breaking things and yes it was unbearable for me to deal with. For some people psychotrophics are excelllent, especially if they have the support network to help them deal with side effects, driving.. getting them to appointments. I do not. I DO feel that my husband quitting his job and taking all his paychecks with him to go on vacation was more than selfish. I think that him leaving at this time was selfish too. I am not bashing my husband. On the contrary, I am trying to work things out with him the best I can...I STILL dont know why you are persisting on giving medical advice on an immigration forum. I know you are well meaning but HELLS BELLS You dont know what I have endured and for you to harp on me to medicate myself when I have clearly told you I AM TAKING MEDICATION and then to dispute with what I am taking is ridiculous. I take vistoril. Its prescribed for sleep, anxiety and its helps with a variety of different things. Its not a psychotrophic and for some people psychotrophics are fast acting and they help and the people around them can help them with things as they adjust to being on them. Even vistoril has taken some getting used to as it makes it hard for me to wake up like I should...

I think you are great for immigration advice... but in this case, you are off the chain. Let me be please and enjoy my forums and reading things without giving me lecture after lecture on how I need to be doped up..

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

You have just proven to me that my recommendation is more apt than I suspected before. You have no circle of individuals, close enough to you to see a change in demeanor in you, and as such, your view of how you are is the only one you can work with.

Once again I will say, that without polling every member on this forum, you are operating on your perception of what each and every one of us as had to endure. I don't wish to hammer the point, but what do you know of any of us?

Don't be ridiculous! My comment on the variety of reasons why you felt abandoned by your family and husband during this crisis was to indicate to you that there might be other factors in play. You have just confirmed that fact, and yet you had expectations of each and everyone of them that were unrealistic given the information you have finally shared. I am sorry your family has been essentially dysfunctional. It is difficult to handle what you have, even with a healthy family nearby. Add to that a family that has its own set of issues and that can make it practically impossible to get the supportyou might have needed. Yet, in each and every post you've made in the last few weeks you appeared very clearly distressed that certain members never stepped up to the plate when they were needed. Sadly, that is the product of a set of expectation that you have of others that might simply be unrealistic.

I have read most of your posts during this crisis. I don't recall everything, but I don't recall seeing that your husband attended 5 counseling sessions with you. If that is the case, then he attempted to improve the manner in which he was responding to the traumatic events. As far as I can recall, you never painted him in such a way before. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Same goes for your family.

A few weeks back you advised another individual that was facing a loss to:

Prescrimed medication WORKS. And honestly, I think you should go on something if you are not at risk of being pregnant. It can save you alot of time and the meds have gotten so high speed, you will be pulled out of depression land lickety split. Or you can be hard headed and take up potholder making while you sit in torment.

yet now you proclaim that they are not right for you! And as for the comment that pharmaceuticals are not for you, pray tell, what do you think the visaril is, other than a pharmaceutical?

I don't know what else to say to you to show you that your perception of how you are might not be the most accurate one. However, at the end of the day, you are functioning and choosing the path you take. My only hope is that you realise that we too have witnessed your emotional pain, albeit from cyber space and that might annoy you, but it doesn't mean that we have not been around to witness what you've been going through.

I am experiencing PTSD . Do you know what that is? Its when you feel normal most of the time and then when you lay down and you try to fall asleep, you have recurrent nightmares. Or you can be driving and remember something that happened and you get frightened. My husband broke several things of mine including computers when I was pregnant by smashing them on the ground..only later to apologise. He hasnt done anything like this since the summer when I caught him chatting online with someone else.. but I remain afraid that he will break other things again. For you to even talk about how I have painted him makes me want to throw up. He cheated on me back home and on line and has done some other things and I am fighting to try to make sense of whether I want to continue with him.

I ask because you know nothing about what I went through in the year before he got here ( my threads are removed) nor do you know what I have endured to survive this month and the previous ones that you not cast value judgements. I want to enjoy posting and enjoy the forum and enjoy reading updates from people I know here. I know you mean well but you are not a Dr and acting as one is not very responsible in MHO...

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Hanging in there,

You're right. You know it all. I know nothing. I am abusive to recommend that you consider medication. Yet you can suggest it to another member and that's what, "Being supportive and caring"?. You are the only on on here that has enured grief of unfathomable levels. You are the only one that has been abandoned. You are the only one that has buried a child. You are the only one that has been forced to face it all alone.

You

You

You

I'm sorry to be emphatic, but it is your resistance to accept another's point of view or perception that forces me to tell it like it is. I am inexcusable in my recommendations, yet you are not. I am really sorry for the events that have occurred in your life of recent weeks. Really I am. Sometimes, however, one has to wake up and see things for what they are.

I hope your reconciliation attempts work. I do. I believe that if this is what you wish to do, then in order for you to be successful in your quest, you need to begin to look at things realistically.

You have just proven to me that my recommendation is more apt than I suspected before. You have no circle of individuals, close enough to you to see a change in demeanor in you, and as such, your view of how you are is the only one you can work with.

Once again I will say, that without polling every member on this forum, you are operating on your perception of what each and every one of us as had to endure. I don\\\'t wish to hammer the point, but what do you know of any of us?

Don\\\'t be ridiculous! My comment on the variety of reasons why you felt abandoned by your family and husband during this crisis was to indicate to you that there might be other factors in play. You have just confirmed that fact, and yet you had expectations of each and everyone of them that were unrealistic given the information you have finally shared. I am sorry your family has been essentially dysfunctional. It is difficult to handle what you have, even with a healthy family nearby. Add to that a family that has its own set of issues and that can make it practically imposssible to get the supportyou might have needed. Yet, in each and every post you\\\'ve made in the last few weeks you appeared very clearly distressed that certain members never stepped up to the plate when they were needed. Sadly, that is the product of a set of expectation that you have of others that might simply be unrealistic.

I have read most of your posts during this crisis. I don\\\'t recall everything, but I don\\\'t recall seeing that your husband attended 5 counseling sessions with you. If that is the case, then he attempted to improve the manner in which he was responding to the traumatic events. As far as I can recall, you never painted him in such a way before. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Same goes for your family.

A few weeks back you advised another individual that was facing a loss to:

Prescrimed medication WORKS. And honestly, I think you should go on something if you are not at risk of being pregnant. It can save you alot of time and the meds have gotten so high speed, you will be pulled out of depression land lickety split. Or you can be hard headed and take up potholder making while you sit in torment.

yet now you proclaim that they are not right for you! And as for the comment that pharmaceuticals are not for you, pray tell, what do you think the visaril is, other than a pharmaceutical?

I don't know what else to say to you to show you that your perception of how you are might not be the most accurate one. However, at the end of the day, you are functioning and choosing the path you take. My only hope is that you realise that we too have witnessed your emotional pain, albeit from cyber space and that might annoy you, but it doesn\\\'t mean that we have not been around to witness what you\'ve been going through.

My therapist comes to my house and he was at some of the sessions. I asked that he be a part of them because I feel like he needs to grieve as well. He told the therapist that its not good if I cry or grieve and she has struggled with him as well.I am trying to reconcile with my husband and am trying to stay married. He did do things that were off the chain such as breaking things and yes it was unbearable for me to deal with. For some people psychotrophics are excelllent, especially if they have the support network to help them deal with side effects, driving.. getting them to appointments. I do not. I DO feel that my husband quitting his job and taking all his paychecks with him to go on vacation was more than selfish. I think that him leaving at this time was selfish too. I am not bashing my husband. On the contrary, I am trying to work things out with him the best I can...I STILL dont know why you are persisting on giving medical advice on an immigration forum. I know you are well meaning but HELLS BELLS You dont know what I have endured and for you to harp on me to medicate myself when I have clearly told you I AM TAKING MEDICATION and then to dispute with what I am taking is ridiculous. I take vistoril. Its prescribed for sleep, anxiety and its helps with a variety of different things. Its not a psychotrophic and for some people psychotrophics are fast acting and they help and the people around them can help them with things as they adjust to being on them. Even vistoril has taken some getting used to as it makes it hard for me to wake up like I should...

I think you are great for immigration advice... but in this case, you are off the chain. Let me be please and enjoy my forums and reading things without giving me lecture after lecture on how I need to be doped up..

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I am not saying we are not going to split up. Most people in my life... including my therapist and my support network have seen a definite improvement since he has been gone. Not having people beat up on you really helps ( emotionally ) and sometimes when you are in the middle of things, you cant see your way out. My way of dealing and ending things is to find the most civil and kind way to end it. For some that seems dumb. Maybe for others , rejecting medicine that could make life a lot easier to bear seems ridiculous as well. But going through this non medicated, experiencing every harsh wave of grief and figthing to make sense of things has helped me be stronger..2 months ago in the midst of loss, I couldnt even imagine one night in my house without my husband. Now I have been able to accept that he can leave....he can walk away and he might not be there for me in any of this...

I wish I didnt share things real time as they were happening but it was several of the women on this forum who called me daily and still check in with me that helped me survive the initial shock. My family wasnt able to do so...

[amal 4]

These are just a few of the most commonly used mood stabilizers. The possible side effects are not necessarily found in every case as some ppl experience no side effects at all. I take one of these and it doesn't make me sleepy. I actually have very few side effects from it. All it does is take my level of anxiousness towards the situations that used to keep me in a continual state of saddness and it just lifts me a bit to help me move forward rather than sit there and cry all day. I still feel sad when I need to feel sad but it isn't an overwhelming feeling anymore.

The ones that make u sleepy are things like Xanax, Ativan, Trazodone, etc etc. TOTALLY different category of medications there....

Wellbutrin ( comes in long acting as well)

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS:

SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include constipation, dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, flushing, gas, headache, increased sweating, increased urination, loss of appetite, nausea, nervousness, restlessness, stomach pain, taste changes, trouble sleeping, vomiting, weakness, or weight changes. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor.

Effexor (regular or long acting)

SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include abnormal dreams, blurred vision, changes in taste, constipation, decreased sexual desire or ability, dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, flushing, headache, increased sweating, loss of appetite, nausea, nervousness, stomach upset, trouble sleeping, vomiting, weakness, weight loss, or yawning. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor

Prozac (also comes in long acting)

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS:

SIDE EFFECTS, that may go away during treatment, include nervousness, headache, drowsiness, fatigue, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, loss of appetite, dry mouth, sweating, dizziness, lightheadedness, muscle spasms, or changes in sexual function. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor.

Lexapro

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS:

SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, upset stomach, loss of appetite, dizziness, drowsiness, trouble sleeping, back pain, or dry mouth. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor.

Zoloft

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS:

SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include headache, nausea, dry mouth, increased sweating, drowsiness, diarrhea, or upset stomach. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor.

Cymbalta

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS:

SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include nausea, dry mouth, constipation, decreased appetite, fatigue, dizziness, drowsiness, trouble sleeping, increased sweating, or changes in sexual function. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Hanging in there,

You're right. You know it all. I know nothing. I am abusive to recommend that you consider medication. Yet you can suggest it to another member and that's what, "Being supportive and caring"?. You are the only on on here that has enured grief of unfathomable levels. You are the only one that has been abandoned. You are the only one that has buried a child. You are the only one that has been forced to face it all alone.

You

You

You

I'm sorry to be emphatic, but it is your resistance to accept another's point of view or perception that forces me to tell it like it is. I am inexcusable in my recommendations, yet you are not. I am really sorry for the events that have occurred in your life of recent weeks. Really I am. Sometimes, however, one has to wake up and see things for what they are.

I hope your reconciliation attempts work. I do. I believe that if this is what you wish to do, then in order for you to be successful in your quest, you need to begin to look at things realistically.

You have just proven to me that my recommendation is more apt than I suspected before. You have no circle of individuals, close enough to you to see a change in demeanor in you, and as such, your view of how you are is the only one you can work with.

Once again I will say, that without polling every member on this forum, you are operating on your perception of what each and every one of us as had to endure. I don\\\'t wish to hammer the point, but what do you know of any of us?

Don\\\'t be ridiculous! My comment on the variety of reasons why you felt abandoned by your family and husband during this crisis was to indicate to you that there might be other factors in play. You have just confirmed that fact, and yet you had expectations of each and everyone of them that were unrealistic given the information you have finally shared. I am sorry your family has been essentially dysfunctional. It is difficult to handle what you have, even with a healthy family nearby. Add to that a family that has its own set of issues and that can make it practically imposssible to get the supportyou might have needed. Yet, in each and every post you\\\'ve made in the last few weeks you appeared very clearly distressed that certain members never stepped up to the plate when they were needed. Sadly, that is the product of a set of expectation that you have of others that might simply be unrealistic.

I have read most of your posts during this crisis. I don\\\'t recall everything, but I don\\\'t recall seeing that your husband attended 5 counseling sessions with you. If that is the case, then he attempted to improve the manner in which he was responding to the traumatic events. As far as I can recall, you never painted him in such a way before. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Same goes for your family.

A few weeks back you advised another individual that was facing a loss to:

Prescrimed medication WORKS. And honestly, I think you should go on something if you are not at risk of being pregnant. It can save you alot of time and the meds have gotten so high speed, you will be pulled out of depression land lickety split. Or you can be hard headed and take up potholder making while you sit in torment.

yet now you proclaim that they are not right for you! And as for the comment that pharmaceuticals are not for you, pray tell, what do you think the visaril is, other than a pharmaceutical?

I don't know what else to say to you to show you that your perception of how you are might not be the most accurate one. However, at the end of the day, you are functioning and choosing the path you take. My only hope is that you realise that we too have witnessed your emotional pain, albeit from cyber space and that might annoy you, but it doesn\\\'t mean that we have not been around to witness what you\'ve been going through.

My therapist comes to my house and he was at some of the sessions. I asked that he be a part of them because I feel like he needs to grieve as well. He told the therapist that its not good if I cry or grieve and she has struggled with him as well.I am trying to reconcile with my husband and am trying to stay married. He did do things that were off the chain such as breaking things and yes it was unbearable for me to deal with. For some people psychotrophics are excelllent, especially if they have the support network to help them deal with side effects, driving.. getting them to appointments. I do not. I DO feel that my husband quitting his job and taking all his paychecks with him to go on vacation was more than selfish. I think that him leaving at this time was selfish too. I am not bashing my husband. On the contrary, I am trying to work things out with him the best I can...I STILL dont know why you are persisting on giving medical advice on an immigration forum. I know you are well meaning but HELLS BELLS You dont know what I have endured and for you to harp on me to medicate myself when I have clearly told you I AM TAKING MEDICATION and then to dispute with what I am taking is ridiculous. I take vistoril. Its prescribed for sleep, anxiety and its helps with a variety of different things. Its not a psychotrophic and for some people psychotrophics are fast acting and they help and the people around them can help them with things as they adjust to being on them. Even vistoril has taken some getting used to as it makes it hard for me to wake up like I should...

I think you are great for immigration advice... but in this case, you are off the chain. Let me be please and enjoy my forums and reading things without giving me lecture after lecture on how I need to be doped up..

I took what you said to heart the first time. Thanks for the advice. I am taking medicine.. Its not what you believe I should be taking and it isnt a psychotrophic but its prescription and it works and I sleep at night now and I dont wake up panicked.I think meds can save your life. I am taking meds because without them I cannot sleep....I just dont think they are always advisable if the person can endure whatever is going on without them. If they cannot.. and they cant work or take care of themselves.. their house or their kids.. or their life.... they should try them. I feel panicked not sad. I have a horrible time sleeping because of my night mares and night panic attacks. The vistoril has taken away almost all of that..

For FYI

they are finding that vistoril in doses 50 mg or more actually does better than wellbutrin. Its twin atarax has almost the same formulation but because pharmaceutical companies cant make money off it, its not prescribed as much.

The clinic told me that 4 25 mg benedryls have the same pharmaceutical and calming affect as one 50 mg vistoril. They are all in the same pharmaceutical family and recently they have begun giving vistoril ( and telling people to take benedryl) instead of many general anti anxiety meds. You might not know that vistoril is being presribed for general anxiety and panic attacks.. For many it works , without the cost and side effects of other meds. It also isnt tied to birth defects like paxil and zoloft and pregnant women can take vistoril without any harm to their baby

[morocco4ever 63]

I have endured similar things to you Kat. I have buried a child. I have endured abuse (emotional). And yes, I did it without medication. I don't know if that was the right way or the wrong way to deal with it however. Nor can I saw what is or isn't right for someone else. I did try one (can't remember which one), but it was impossible to wake up to work, and my boss noticed. I couldn't risk losing my job, so I stopped.

I am healed now. It took time. It took patience. And no, I didn't turn to family or friends to assist me. Not that they wouldn't have been there, but my personality is very private. I didn't expect anyone to be there for me because I knew this was something I had to do for myself, but mostly for my children that were 100% dependent on me. Otherwise they would have ended up with their father, which would have been worse than if they had died IMO.

What I have learned from this experience.

1. God is looking after my baby. Who better to trust my little one to?

2. I deserved better

3. My children deserved better

4. My abusive husband will never change. He may, at times, appear to be better. But bottom line is that side of him came out over and over again.

It took me 15 years to come to terms with the fact that my abusive husband was never going to change before I shut down and divorced him. I grew to be bitter and hateful towards all men. I didn't care who I hurt in my endeavors because I viewed all men the same. I figured that if you allowed a man into your heart that every single one of them will ####### on you.

Now it is 17 years after we divorced. He is the same, just to different people. I have never given him the opportunity to do it to me again. But I am 100% sure that he would.

What I have learned now.

1. God is still looking after my baby. She is better off with him than she ever would have been dealing with the things here on earth.

2. I deserve better

3. My children deserve better

4. Although my ex has never changed, not all men are like that. But I am the one that needed to take the lead of my own life. I was responsible for what I allow other people to do to me.

5. That I am a better person when I stop hoping that people are going to be there for me. But rather I spend my time seeing who needs me there for them.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I have endured similar things to you Kat. I have buried a child. I have endured abuse (emotional). And yes, I did it without medication. I don't know if that was the right way or the wrong way to deal with it however. Nor can I saw what is or isn't right for someone else. I did try one (can't remember which one), but it was impossible to wake up to work, and my boss noticed. I couldn't risk losing my job, so I stopped.

I am healed now. It took time. It took patience. And no, I didn't turn to family or friends to assist me. Not that they wouldn't have been there, but my personality is very private. I didn't expect anyone to be there for me because I knew this was something I had to do for myself, but mostly for my children that were 100% dependent on me. Otherwise they would have ended up with their father, which would have been worse than if they had died IMO.

What I have learned from this experience.

1. God is looking after my baby. Who better to trust my little one to?

2. I deserved better

3. My children deserved better

4. My abusive husband will never change. He may, at times, appear to be better. But bottom line is that side of him came out over and over again.

It took me 15 years to come to terms with the fact that my abusive husband was never going to change before I shut down and divorced him. I grew to be bitter and hateful towards all men. I didn't care who I hurt in my endeavors because I viewed all men the same. I figured that if you allowed a man into your heart that every single one of them will ####### on you.

Now it is 17 years after we divorced. He is the same, just to different people. I have never given him the opportunity to do it to me again. But I am 100% sure that he would.

What I have learned now.

1. God is still looking after my baby. She is better off with him than she ever would have been dealing with the things here on earth.

2. I deserve better

3. My children deserve better

4. Although my ex has never changed, not all men are like that. But I am the one that needed to take the lead of my own life. I was responsible for what I allow other people to do to me.

5. That I am a better person when I stop hoping that people are going to be there for me. But rather I spend my time seeing who needs me there for them.

Thank you for the bottom of my heart.....