feelings about revenge and deportation when things dont work out

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I don't know how I came mentally to this place but I somehow in the last couple of days decided that if my husband and I dont work out, I would NOT try to claim my marriage was fraud based or he married me for papers and that I wouldnt try to put any kind of paperwork out there that I thought I had been used ( even though in alot of ways I think I was)

I may be reconciling with him. I may not. But I dont know what has come over me as far as this subject. I think the first reaction of someone who's spouse has left them or has been caught cheating is to pull the plug on papers ( which actually once they have received their CR1,its pretty hard to do anyway.. )They can always self petition so in my opinion... why waste your valuable life pursuing someone getting either deported or kicked out of the country or will have problems when they try to adjust status to permanent.

Maybe I am like this cause I know I cant do anything anyway and dont want to obsess about extracting revenge for not really loving me.. I just have changed my thinking about the whole thing and I wondered if any of the rest of you have thought about the same thing. I think I am even at the point I would write a letter supporting his adjusting alone just to be rid of the situation and get cleanly divorced then torment myself chasing around someone who clearly didnt want to be with me. I am not saying this is going on because I havent been compleltey abandoned but I was emotionally abandoned enough to not want to fight for a relationship that I just couldnt save.

I think alot of the chasing around of greencard fraud and the revenge extracted takes up alot of valuable time that could be spent being happy and moving on.. Oh well.. so much for the old me.. I just dont want to be mad 24 hours a day or looking for bad things.. I am too tired from all that actually happened already and I think I mentally already jumped ship.. Like just take your greencard and leave already ( we havent removed conditions) My hearts just not in the same place anymore because of everything that happened and I just dont feel like being mean to him if he leaves because I just want to move on and past this ####### and be happy again...

If you found your spouse cheating on you or things werent working out, Would you actively pursue taking his or her papers away or contact immigration.. or would you just cleanly divorce and call it a day?

I am finding after all the stuff I have said in the past that I am much more for choosing number 2 because its just alot faster and I want little or nothing to do with someone who doesnt want to be with me ( although calling immigration could be an incentive to give the other person MOTIVE to sign papers they dont want to.. although I am sure as hell not choosing it)

Difficult subject.. Just wondering what people would do if faced with it.. Would they try to get revenge?

[Y's_habibitk 2]

In any context, I'm usually not the revenge type. I may talk and vent when wronged, but it takes too much energy to seek revenge on someone. I would rather let it go and let karma work its magic. You are giving that person power over your happiness when you seek negative behavior against them. Revenge is never as sweet as is sounds at the time.

In this context, its super easy to say "I was used" when in fact it might simply be that the spouse was a bad person and cheated, or it just didnt work out and they left. Who really knows,right?

my one cent

Lisa

[Ihavequestions 419]

It's hard to day whether a marriage didn't work because there was a green card for a carrot or because it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

I look at it this way: When our time comes, we all have to answer for our actions and I want my list to be really short. For the bigger questions, I always do better if I look to my faith and, to me, spiritually the answer would be no, I wouldn't try to yank the card.

[bhajishah 4]

No would slap him to his muslim senses with the Imam and family help. He dont change and show remorse.then let ALLAH be his judge. And be totally free of him.If he does show remorese and change and everyone in agreement . then the subject is OVEr and married life moves on peacefully. either way no grudges to anyone for what test in life was given per ALLAH..ie live learn and move onto higher purposes.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

If you found your spouse cheating on you or things werent working out, Would you actively pursue taking his or her papers away or contact immigration.. or would you just cleanly divorce and call it a day?

Revenge is for people who cannot let go. It is as low as the original offense. My .02

[~Jackie~ 30]

nvrmnd..

Edited December 12, 2008 by just_Jackie

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

In any context, I'm usually not the revenge type. I may talk and vent when wronged, but it takes too much energy to seek revenge on someone. I would rather let it go and let karma work its magic. You are giving that person power over your happiness when you seek negative behavior against them. Revenge is never as sweet as is sounds at the time.

In this context, its super easy to say "I was used" when in fact it might simply be that the spouse was a bad person and cheated, or it just didnt work out and they left. Who really knows,right?

my one cent

Lisa

Yeah thats what I was thinking exactly. I mean hey I am 41.. I am not ugly. Ok I have some personality issues but who the hell doesnt? I am funny and I have a pulse and there are other fish in the sea.. I feel like oh OK *(*((& if you think you can do better, move the hell on. Getting mad at him constantly about things he is doing or has done has just made me more sad and I just wanna cut bait and get the hell out of here and go see my friends and do stuff with them and enjoy things in life. Revenge just takes too much damn time and karma usually gets people in the end sometimes anyway. I used to feel COMPLETELY different but the fragility of life and losing my son turned things around for me. I just dont want to hold on to ANYTHING or even to memories that are bad.. Like just like grabbing a suitcase and running and leaving all that sad stuff behind. It doesnt help anyone I think to hold on to stuff that just isnt working when the other person isnt trying.. although some revenge is pretty freaking funny....

apparently more than one person witnessed this LOL

[bhajishah 4]

Yes but then there is Justice and then there is Revenge.. ie war in Iraq or Aghanistan there is no punishment for cheating spouse, so how will he learn??..define what means to you. is the morality..discuss amongst yourselves ill be back later Salaams

[Nagishkaw 510]

Let God deal with him.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

In any context, I'm usually not the revenge type. I may talk and vent when wronged, but it takes too much energy to seek revenge on someone. I would rather let it go and let karma work its magic. You are giving that person power over your happiness when you seek negative behavior against them. Revenge is never as sweet as is sounds at the time.

In this context, its super easy to say "I was used" when in fact it might simply be that the spouse was a bad person and cheated, or it just didnt work out and they left. Who really knows,right?

my one cent

Lisa

Yeah thats what I was thinking exactly. I mean hey I am 41.. I am not ugly. Ok I have some personality issues but who the hell doesnt? I am funny and I have a pulse and there are other fish in the sea.. I feel like oh OK *(*((& if you think you can do better, move the hell on. Getting mad at him constantly about things he is doing or has done has just made me more sad and I just wanna cut bait and get the hell out of here and go see my friends and do stuff with them and enjoy things in life. Revenge just takes too much damn time and karma usually gets people in the end sometimes anyway. I used to feel COMPLETELY different but the fragility of life and losing my son turned things around for me. I just dont want to hold on to ANYTHING or even to memories that are bad.. Like just like grabbing a suitcase and running and leaving all that sad stuff behind. It doesnt help anyone I think to hold on to stuff that just isnt working when the other person isnt trying.. although some revenge is pretty freaking funny

My mom used to say "you are letting them rent free space in your head, do you think they are thinking of you right now?" It's so true. Guilty parties are usually off living carefree.

It doesnt help to hold on to anger and resentment. It will eat you alive, bottomline

plus, doing mean things makes me feel yucky inside....

Lisa

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Yes but then there is Justice and then there is Revenge.. ie war in Iraq or Aghanistan there is no punishment for cheating spouse, so how will he learn??..define what means to you. is the morality..discuss amongst yourselves ill be back later Salaams

Is it our job to teach people not to do wrong by us? It depends how you determine what revenge is. One persons disclosure of what happened to others.. might be seen as revenge. For others , its contacting immigration.. Or maybe you had feelings at one time of how you would handle things and they changed..

I personally don't want to pursue doing stuff to my husband because I just want to be rid of the situation if things dont work out ( BUT THEN AGAIN.. I DIDNT SPEND 5 years with him and adjust status and he didnt run up my credit cards buying things and then get things on my credit)

That could bring up a whole new can of worms... I think if somene was left by someone who duplicitously searched for another spouse and was cheating and then somehow trashed the petitioners credit or has loans in their name and is now with someone else.. the reaction could be completely different. I would never co sign for a spouses car that was immigrating anyway.. They can buy a used car for cash and build their own credit with a job..

I just think the revenge thing is HIGHLY overrated and takes too much out of you.. I dont wanna go there and I have too many real things to be mad about than being mad at him for not loving me...I am just really not seeing the point in doing stuff with all the outside stuff. If they dont want you... let them go..

I dont want to teach any lessons... Thats not what I want to do and where I want to go with this.. But then again...hard evidence such as stuff you find out online and with your eyes and ears is enough to sometimes help you cut the ties..Its the ones blindsided and the inital rage that comes with it that leads to alot of vengeful acts.. I just think being mad prevents you from moving on.. and we desperately all need to do that.. we may not have tomorrow

[Jenn! 918]

Hard to say for sure until you are actually put in the position to make the choice.

Anyway, it's kind of a moot point, since there's not much that can be done to affect the immigration status anyway. I would not, however, be complicit in immigration fraud, e.g. telling USCIS that everything is fine and dandy in order for him to get a green card.

Oh, and I'm not so sure I believe in karma either. Isn't the reason that people's bad deeds eventually catch up with them because someone eventually refuses to put up with it?

Edited December 12, 2008 by Jenn!

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Hard to say for sure until you are actually put in the position to make the choice.

Anyway, it's kind of a moot point, since there's not much that can be done to affect the immigration status anyway. I would not, however, be complicit in immigration fraud, e.g. telling USCIS that everything is fine and dandy in order for him to get a green card.

Oh, and I'm not so sure I believe in karma either. Isn't the reason that people's bad deeds eventually catch up with them because someone eventually refuses to put up with it?

Nah, thats poetic justice or something like that lol

karma, in my mind, is that they will be wronged by someone or face the heartache they caused someone else.

You cheat, get cheated on ect ect

[Nothing1234 2]

Let God handle them. As the saying goes...what goes around comes around...I may not be there to see it but I have the pleasure in my heart knowing it will smack 'em back one day.

I don't think about this as an immigration issue...I'd take it at face value, a cheating spouse. Would I be vengeful or have to move on? I'd move on. Whether he was American or foreign...he's my spouse. Cheat and I'm out. Pretty simple.

I hope my secretly loving Michael Scofeild (Wentworth Miller) from Prison Break doesn't count...or he might leave me!

[Jenn! 918]

Hard to say for sure until you are actually put in the position to make the choice.

Anyway, it's kind of a moot point, since there's not much that can be done to affect the immigration status anyway. I would not, however, be complicit in immigration fraud, e.g. telling USCIS that everything is fine and dandy in order for him to get a green card.

Oh, and I'm not so sure I believe in karma either. Isn't the reason that people's bad deeds eventually catch up with them because someone eventually refuses to put up with it?

Nah, thats poetic justice or something like that lol

karma, in my mind, is that they will be wronged by someone or face the heartache they caused someone else.

You cheat, get cheated on ect ect

Yeah, I don't believe in that - why would that be the case? Also, is everything bad that happens to us a payback for bad things we've done in the past? Ok, now I'm really going off-topic...