advice needed

[Muh and me 18]

I say....decorate your house to the 9's and show your baby boy in heaven that he has a strong mama. Make the decorations for him, that's what I'd do. Every light that you display is a signal to his spirit of how much you love him. I know that sounds silly but many ppl have done this for the holidays and it really has helped them to get through it with a much happier mental state.

Put that tree up. Celebrate like no other year. Give the kids a Christmas they'll never forget. This will help you to pull out of your sadness (if only a little bit).

amal

Today they are both home with colds and we will go to the pediatric office today at 4. I agree with what you are saying. I need to get things up... I kind of go foward then do really good , then sniff sniff backward, then panic attack, then good again. If I was strong I dont even think I would be panicking like I am. These kids are amazing. They are what is saving me, not me them I think. The kids are fun and give me alot of comfort. I cant really describe how weird all of this is to be happy and sad at all the same time..

That's very understandable. It is perfectly ok to move forward and fall back every once-in-a-while. That's the way the body learns to cope so it sounds like you are right on target. Slowly, the good days will overtake the bad days.

I loved the idea of letting the kids pick out an ornament for him. What a wonderful way to celebrate his life!

That is an awesome idea about th ornament. When Christopher died, I got a brass ornament with his name on it and its gone on my tree every year since.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I think you have gotten some great support and ideas.

Do it for you babies and pray for strength everytime you feel like you just cant go on with it.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I think you have gotten some great support and ideas.

Do it for you babies and pray for strength everytime you feel like you just cant go on with it.

Thats what I am doing. The problem is the in between times when I suffer from panic attacks and heart pains.. But I am trying as hard as I can to endure each day and then the next

[Henia 11]

Esalaams/Hello ...

Cannot even imagine what it could be like to loss a child ... holidays worse of course I would think! Buuuut good that your family is *trying* for your sake and your children's ... Um, my mum even thou I have not *offically* celebrated Christmas in over 10 years ... every year she would take my daughter for their own 'special holiday' together. Something I never really minded since I usually choose to work that day for the overtime ... in order to hit the day after Christmas sales ... making our day after 'special Eid' Since coming to Algeria, of course no special holidays together ... so she sends us (this year no exception) a box with a mini plastic Christmas tree, tree skirt, decoration, wrapping paper, gifts and LOL even some tape (bless her ignorant heart!!! I love you Mum!!!) And she would call us before and after Midnight mass ...

I wish more and more she was here, my mum ... in fact as it's looking more and like Algeria will be our 'forever home' I want my mummy ... to live with us. But anyway back to the OT ... I think so what ... set up the tree in the center of your home ... make it a symbol that you can and will go on .. you have some beautiful children who are alive who need you and need the holidays! Plus great that Eid is in the same month as Christmas ... chance to celebrate both! Invite some family and friends over ... honour your dear son Rayan (spelling sorry) and also honour your children living as well! As your video says YOU WILL SURVIVE and you have all your love to give. So give it my dear! It could also be chance to celebrate-incorpate-introduce Eids to your children and family (if you have not already) ... and maybe just maybe chance for your husband to get in there ... and be a man!

Noura's idea of the oranment sounds great ... I am sure there are several sources out there where you can have his name engraved.

Waiting for your phone number PM (sorry if you did not read, my phone was stolen ... so your number was lost sorry) All my love to you and your family dear Kat!

[Henia 11]

PS:I too suffer from panic attacks ... actually had one the other day when I was carrying my son on the escalator ... the building I was in was over 8 stories high ... I got extremely scared and had a pain attack ... nearly fall down the 8 stories. Soooo I d know what your suffering Kat ... have you gotten treatment for this?> I used to before pregnancy and now breastfeeding take Benzodiazepines but I donnot advise. But learning to control m breathing has helped me alot! I will continue to pray for you sister!

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Esalaams/Hello ...

Cannot even imagine what it could be like to loss a child ... holidays worse of course I would think! Buuuut good that your family is *trying* for your sake and your children's ... Um, my mum even thou I have not *offically* celebrated Christmas in over 10 years ... every year she would take my daughter for their own 'special holiday' together. Something I never really minded since I usually choose to work that day for the overtime ... in order to hit the day after Christmas sales ... making our day after 'special Eid' Since coming to Algeria, of course no special holidays together ... so she sends us (this year no exception) a box with a mini plastic Christmas tree, tree skirt, decoration, wrapping paper, gifts and LOL even some tape (bless her ignorant heart!!! I love you Mum!!!) And she would call us before and after Midnight mass ...

I wish more and more she was here, my mum ... in fact as it's looking more and like Algeria will be our 'forever home' I want my mummy ... to live with us. But anyway back to the OT ... I think so what ... set up the tree in the center of your home ... make it a symbol that you can and will go on .. you have some beautiful children who are alive who need you and need the holidays! Plus great that Eid is in the same month as Christmas ... chance to celebrate both! Invite some family and friends over ... honour your dear son Rayan (spelling sorry) and also honour your children living as well! As your video says YOU WILL SURVIVE and you have all your love to give. So give it my dear! It could also be chance to celebrate-incorpate-introduce Eids to your children and family (if you have not already) ... and maybe just maybe chance for your husband to get in there ... and be a man!

Noura's idea of the oranment sounds great ... I am sure there are several sources out there where you can have his name engraved.

Waiting for your phone number PM (sorry if you did not read, my phone was stolen ... so your number was lost sorry) All my love to you and your family dear Kat!

I sent you my number in pm. I am doing better each day as far as working, reading, actually watching tv shows etc. I have alot of things on my mind.. I used to watch alot of documentaries, write a great deal.. I am trying to get back to that place.

I have heard alot of stories about other women when they lose children and unfortunately alot of the accounts are pretty bad. My grief counselor was telling me about people who plummeted into bankruptcy, one who lost her mind, one who was never able to have kids again because she freaked out so bad...etc etc. I asked my grief counselor ( she works with people who have lost kids under 1 year) and she told me she knew a couple of people who held it together. I asked her to put me in touch with someone like that. The lady called me last week and then called me again this week (she lost her kid 14 years ago) It was reassuring to talk to her because it gave me hope that I wouldnt always be swimming in this pool. I am not having alot of the same reactions that alot of other moms have had but ironically some that lost it all had husbands and families along side them . I have not seen my family since the funeral.. and then saw all of them at thanksgiving and none would look me in the eye. I have friends locally who have helped me by talking to me and then 2 grief counselors and that has helped alot. But the searing pain of this loss surpasses anything that I have ever felt. It has put me more in touch with other people and their grief. I know now that I could help a grieving person survive the first month, I could plan a funeral, I can make hard decisions and I can handle mind altering stress. I had to come to terms with loss , then additional loss and then I decided to keep going for my other kids. Each time I have a panic attack, I either think about them or I go look for one of them to take care of them. I am concerned about my health because my weight has plummeted and my heart physically hurts but if nothing else. I have to think about my kids. I do not want the grief to define my life. I don't want it to silence me, to marginalise me, to become my new name. I don't want it to stop me from living. I literally cannot remember from September to November and I didnt realy work again until November. For the first 3 weeks, all I could do is take care of my kids and then fall back on the couch and weep, drive to the cemetary and weep, then drive home and weep. I still have not moved a thing from his room... I can t open drawers or move things.. I know I will have to.. I got the stone up all by myself and the first few days completely alone in the house with the kids were mind numbing after the other part of my life left.. but I dont consider any of this strength.Its not strength when you have to try so hard. Some losses shape you..but I do know that I can help other grieving people put perspective.. I have met other moms in the cemetary crying along side of me.. for their recently buried kids and I am able to hold them, I am able to talk to them. I am able to reach beyond my grief and find common ground with other people... I think the only lesson I got from this is the fragile nature of life and what we all share..

I get furious when I see injustices now beyond all scope of imagination. I have no tolerance for anyone who doesnt value and embrace life. When you stand in a cemetary long enough, you know that there are worse things than death. You realise that being dead and still living is much worse and I do not want to be a sad story. Maybe a mediocre story, But not a sad one. I doubt I will be a happy story or have a happy ending but it doesnt have to be so damn sad.. even though I am dying inside... there has to be a state of normal eventually

Love HIT

And yes I know that you know that living in MENA is a heck of alot different than visiting or being in love with someone from there. You are living it in one of the most terror torn countries in MENA. People lose alot of their humanity when they are hungry and poor and there are no dreams left. Your descriptions of what happened to you when you tried to have your baby there were pretty eye opening. I find that my best friends in MENA quickly become mena women. I definitely think that the more Algerian female friends you make out there , the better. They might be all in Algiers and working at the university and things, but they can give you alot more insight into what life is like for them

Have you read ASSJA DJEBAR? I think when I get a paycheck, I need to send you some of her books. She has some amazing things to say about her childhood. Please stay strong and hang in there. I wish you would blog about what you experience daily... I think it would help alot of people get a real picture of what life is like there. Being that I travelled alot over there BEFORE my relationship... I listened alot to friends from there and to friends from there that live here now and they gave me alot of insight into alot of things. But the women I met have been the biggest help. My best friend here is a Moroccan girl and she and I have alot of discussions about MENA perceptions of American women, our culture and our life here. There was alot about her own culture she didnt know( the dark side of things.. brothels.. drug addiction) because she was sheltered from alot of it and never really understood alot of things.. We bounce things off each other and talk alot.

I wish you would further elaborate on daily life in Algiers and the pros and cons of living over there..

[amal 4]

For the first 3 weeks, all I could do is take care of my kids and then fall back on the couch and weep, drive to the cemetary and weep, then drive home and weep. I still have not moved a thing from his room... I can t open drawers or move things.. I know I will have to.. I got the stone up all by myself and the first few days completely alone in the house with the kids were mind numbing after the other part of my life left.. but I dont consider any of this strength.Its not strength when you have to try so hard. Some losses shape you..but I do know that I can help other grieving people put perspective.. I have met other moms in the cemetary crying along side of me.. for their recently buried kids and I am able to hold them, I am able to talk to them. I am able to reach beyond my grief and find common ground with other people... I think the only lesson I got from this is the fragile nature of life and what we all share..

Girl, that IS what strenght is. Strength is pulling/pushing through when you don't think you can move another step. It's feeling like all is gone but waking up to start another day..and making it thru that day. That is strength. You may not feel strong but honestly, the fact that you get up, take care of ur kids, take time to grieve, take care of the kids some more, share your feelings with us, see grieving counselors, talk about your situation, and still find the STRENGTH to make it to another day....THAT IS STRENGTH and for that, I applaud you.

amal

[SaadBell 0]

This is just a few suggestions, remember whatever you do is normal, there is no right way to grieve, everyone does things differently, what works for me might not work for you, so just give things a try and see what feels right for you. Keep writing, every time you write here, you are healing and trust me you are helping someone, everyone can learn from all kinds of experience, good and bad.

1. Change your tradition. If you always ate at the person’s house who is passed, then start a new tradition. Take someone to dinner instead. Maybe a change of scenery will change your mood. Take a Christmas vacation somewhere snowy and do things like snow boarding and others things you never tried before. Even if you don’t feel like you are really enjoying yourself the first few times you change things, keep going. It takes a little time to make a new tradition.
2. Draw names for gifts if you feel like you just can’t handle shopping. If the toy aisle makes you cry, then send a friend to pick up specific things for you. Or try shopping online for gifts. I know you may not feel festive, but you could make cookies for the people on your “normal” list. If you find yourself buying presents for the person who is passed, don’t worry. It is normal. You can make a donation in their name to a shelter. Many places need toys for needy children, coats for poverty stricken families. Maybe you could organize a coat drive for your community. There is something to be said for giving to others when you are sad. It is an uplifting feeling to know that you are making a difference.
3. Ok, you haven’t managed to go somewhere different and you need to handle things in your own home because of other children in the home, or your need to feel grounded. That’s alright. You can handle this, but here are a few suggestions. Match tasks to your energy level. You don’t have to decorate the WHOLE house this year. Try just for a tree and keep it simple. Ask your friends to help you prepare food. Do the worst jobs first. Try to plan an hour for yourself in the midst of the chaos. You will need it to recharge your energy levels.
4. Try to remember that you will receive cards from well-meaning people who are hoping for your holiday to be happy. They really don’t understand the pain you are going through. Ignore them, you know they are just trying to figure out what to say or do. Most of them really do care about you, but are uncomfortable talking. So, they send you a happy card to try and cheer you up. In their ignorance, they are trying to help. If you receive cards like these, place them in a nice box and store them until next year. You don’t have to read them. Just tuck them away for another time. You received them, noted them and dealt with them. Don’t feel you have to reply at all.
5. Try to avoid eating lots of sweets during the holiday. Sweets tend to make us more depressed. The sugar level rises rapidly when eating the goodies, then plummets dramatically shortly thereafter. This leaves a feeling of emptiness and can lead to over eating. It is a cycle.
6. Most of all, you need to be honest with yourself about your feelings during this time. Ask yourself why you are sad, lonely, angry, afraid, and write down the answers. You may want to keep a journal or write a letter to your loved one describing all the holiday sites and smells and sounds and telling them how much you miss them at this time. Sadness at times like this is to be expected. Accepting that you are going to need some time to grieve will help you to deal honestly with your feeling of grief and decrease your frustration. Remember, you don’t have to be alone. You need time to heal these hurts and rebuild your life.

Take it one step at a time.

Grief unacknowledged

"Grieving boys,

Grieving girls,

Grieving in the home.

Oh what terrible pain it is

when you lose someone you love."

(Loosely sung to the tune of Jingle Bells).

This song is not meant to be disrespectful. It is meant to demonstrate how disrespectful society can be to children who are grieving the loss of a loved one. Christmas, according to our stories, is supposed to be a magical time of the year. Children, who have lost someone they love to death or divorce, shouldn't have the wintertime blues, should they?

They should be dreaming of a white Christmas, not having their dreams shattered, right? The true story of Christmas is that many children are grieving the loss of loved ones during this season, causing Christmas morning to turn into Christmas mourning. Parents can help their children by giving them twelve gifts, for the twelve days of Christmas, to help them cope during this painful time

Gift #1

Educate yourself about grief. Parents can unwittingly pass on their anxieties and fears to their children. Even the best actors will give themselves away. Children are tuned into adult's nonverbal signals. Trying to hide painful feelings or awkward emotions will only increase children's anxieties. They will assume they are "bad" or "responsible" for the absence of the loved one. Instead of hiding your emotions, learn about the stages of grief by reading books on the subject, attending support groups for families of loss, or working with a qualified family therapist. The better you care for yourself, the better you can care for your child.

Gift #2

Let children teach you about grief. Children respond to loss in different ways. No way is the right way. Let children teach you how they think, feel, and respond to the loss. Walk along side the child in his or her personal journey. Notice the path and scenery as well as the direction you are headed. If children are taking a destructive route (suicide or self-harm) steer them in a different direction.

Don't wait till you are stepping over the edge. Be on the look out early in the journey for upcoming dangers. Talk to qualified educators and therapists about the warning signs of suicide, chronic depression, unrealistic fears, and other self-destructive behaviors if you are concerned.

Gift #3

Wrap your child in relationship. Just as you would wrap a Christmas present in beautiful wrapping, with string and ribbons, you can wrap your child in relationship. Healing comes in connection with healthy people. It doesn't make up for the loss, but it does provide children with a safe environment to heal. This requires that parents spend quality time with children and permit free expression of thoughts and feelings about the loss. If a child doesn't want to spend time with a parent or healthy adult, give him or her some space but remain available to them.

Occasionally ask them how they are feeling about the loss and stay involved, physically and emotionally.

Gift #4

Talk openly and honestly about the loss. Many cultures avoid the topic of grief. Because the person is gone, we want the painful feelings to be gone too. But this isn't how grief works. Grief has its own time and space to do the work of healing in children's lives. Children need to be able to talk openly and honestly about the loss.

They may have questions that can't be answered easily. Don't avoid them. If you don't know the answer to the question, be honest and say so. Never tell children silly stories or lies, by saying, "Grandpa went away on a trip."

Gift #5

Don't wait for the big talk. Use little, everyday experiences to talk to children about loss. If you find a bird has died in your yard or the gold fish dies in the fish tank, use that time to talk about your child's thoughts and feelings around their loss. When your child's friends move away and go to another school, talk about how that feels in relation to Mom and Dad's divorce. Treat loss as a "serious curiosity." Children are naturally curious and talking about your thoughts, feelings, and ideas about loss can be an equally natural experience.

Gift #6

Respect children's responses, however negative they may be. Some of children's responses to loss might be unpleasant (grumpy, rude, oppositional), unattractive (poor hygiene, messy room, poor grades) or even frightening (inconsolable crying, insomnia, and refusal to eat). Take the necessary steps to respond to their responses.

Don't judge them or shame them. Respect their responses as one of many ways to cope with a difficult, overwhelming situation. Of course, not all responses are constructive. Stop destructive ones, but do it in a sensitive manner.

In addition, children should not be allowed to set their own limits by avoiding responsibilities and rules. Continue to set limits while being flexible and understanding

[amal 4]

wonderful post g_g