Making the move to be an immigrant

[TayL 0]

I have barely started on my journey, but for me, deciding to immigrate was one of those decisions that I really didn't have to think very hard about. Most of my friends are in the US. Cross border flights are MUCH more expensive than flights within the country. I want very little to do with my family. The ties that should bind me have never been there to hold me here. I had actually long been looking into moving to the US for my education and my professional life.

When I met Kori, I balked briefly. Very briefly. How could I do this, in actuality?

It took a long time before we made the decision that I should actually come there, even though, for me, I wanted to. The decision was less about me moving, because that is a very simple decision for me--I'm all for it. The difficulty lay in whether or not we should be together. We're very different people. Culturally, we have a large gap. I was raised by, quite literally, a group of hippies and my lifestyle is very liberal, very avant-garde and not conventional. The subculture I was raised in really believes in equality for all, peace, love, friendship and creativity. Those are the values that I was raised in. He's from Texas and was raised in a very stereotypical "redneck" family. Guns from the time he could walk. Gays are not *real* people. Christianity isn't just a religion, it is THE religion. He's overcoming a lot of prejudices he was raised in and, before meeting me, started to realize were stupid. I'm trying to overcome my prejudice against the culture he was raised in.

We had a lot of questioning as to whether or not we were truly longterm compatible. The decision was yes. It was based on many things. He's very impulsive. I'm very much a person to think things through (my way of rebelling against my parents, oddly enough, was to plan EVERYTHING). We thought that might be a HUGE problem, but in the end, we have found that we compliment one another. We have a lot of interests in common--but they're not really exactly the same. I might appreciate a musical group for one reason, he might for another. We have a lot of space to have conflict for debate and we both love debate. We like one another as friends first and foremost, and love one another as more. We've gone through everything we can foresee and discussed how to look after it, should it happen. Tried to find every point we disagree on, in every part of life.

I don't know for sure things will work. They might not. I think they will. I look forward to the adventure. That's all anything in life is, and adventure. Sometimes it goes well. Sometimes, it sucks. You don't know either way until you try. I'm trying. Every day brings new surprises for me and new things to learn about him. That's all any relationship is, as far as I can see. A series of surprises about someone you give half a damn about, that all lead to you giving more than half a damn.

[Wis-Can 0]

I personally think the K-1 should be 6-months to a year, and not the 90 days. Allowing couple to be together and not forcing them to make a decision earlier then what they would have otherwise made. We're fortunate enough to be able to spend more time then what alot of people on here have been able to.

[xtinab 0]

I knew BB 3 years ago, through some mutual friends of ours and talked once in a while on msn and such. At that time in our lives, we didnt even consider the other anything more. It wasn't until last February ish that we started talking more, and he decided to come visit to TO. We both had the absolute greatest week of our lives, but knew that we had a big space between us. On top of that, I was supposed to leave on April 3rd, to go and work on a cruise ship in Australia (Yes. Australia!!!) for 6 months or more. When I made the trip down to Columbus 10 days later, we realized that our bond was much more than we could ignore. I ended up cancelling on Australia to pursue our future. It was a "If were gonna try it, might as well try it now" move, kind of how Travis & Kim did it. So far its been f*cking amazing. As long as WE are good as a couple and individuals, well keep at it and we'll decide what were going to do when it comes to be the right time for us. Finding vj i must say, definitely helped us get the info we needed. Right now Im so equipped for whatever path we take Ive been researching going either way for him and I.

I have more but totally just lost my train of thought. (Dinners ready)

To be continued......

[Zee Bee 61]

A lot of people do not have the luxury of time or money to spend oodles of time with their SOs before coming here. Couple that with the fact that the immigration process is not easy and you have the makings of what may be a hasty decision.

There are so many people who file for the K1 after the first meeting, which in most cases only lasts a few days. The same is true for those who decide to get married on the first visit. I have read so many posts of "Oh, I went to ______ and my SO treated me like a queen/king. I didn't have to lift a finger. S/He took care of everything for me. I love his/her country" blah blah blah.

People tend to forget that both have free time to be together. There are no jobs/school/other responsibility to go along with the meeting. Just pure bliss. I think many are unprepared for the reality of the situation.

I think people like to romanticize their experience. A lot of people do not take into account the adjustment, work issues, family issues, school, etc etc that go with relocating to a culture and society that one is not familiar with.

I think people talk themselves into the notion that once they are together everything is going to be OK.

Unfortunately, that is not always the case.

[thetreble 19]

Agreed, Zee Bee. I think most of us can say that when two people have free time on visits in either country, it is a breeze. I remember my husband having to work through many of our visits though, and so could vouche for what it would feel like to be somewhat alone.

Also, I love to be alone, so I think it wasn't as hard on me as it can be on others.

No one can 100% equip themselves for what it is going to be like after they leave their country and move to a new one. You have an idea what is going to be in store for you, but no where near knowing everything. With that in mind, it just surprises me that people will jump the gun instead of being realistic about it. I know love is not realistic or rational, but I find it odd that people get so hurt and surprised when the person they knew for a few months decides to divorce them or even leave them without notice.

Not every one has the luxury of being with their significant other for large amounts of time, but then in my opinion, you probably shouldn't take this process on. If you don't have time or money, it's probably going to be very hard on every one and the stress may be too much to bare.

I think what made me start this thread is reading the Family Benefits thread and seeing all the divorces. One in particular where a wife has recently left her husband and gone to a shelter. Every one is blaming the husband because he didn't complete her AOS process and she was technically out of status. So she basically came to the US and was looking after his kids, etc. And they are saying he made her into a slave. No one was really pointing the finger in BOTH directions. There has to be some responsibility put on the immigrant that they know somewhat what they are getting into.

Those are just my feelings, though.

[Sprailenes 47]

Yes they know what they're getting into, but no one expects to come here and get abused. I don't understand how you could find it "odd" that people would be hurt or surprised when they get divorced, no one gets married looking to get a divorce so no matter what when a divorce occurs, its going to blindside someone.

I understand what you are saying, but no one really knows what its going to be like until they're knee deep in it unfortunately with the immigration process it causes a few people to become stranded. The process also tends to make people speed things up so they can be together faster. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out, like with any marriage.

People aren't getting married for the same reasons they used to get married for. Nowadays its a lot of: "I" and "Me". People also expect the honeymoon phase to last as well. It doesn't. There are many stages of love. Sometimes it doesn't work out.

Edited November 26, 2008 by Sprailenes

[Sprailenes 47]

Also, a lot of relationships change after the "I do's" especially with abusive controlling people. I don't think I would place the blame on the victim in that case. These situations happen with a lot of people, not just immigrants.

[thetreble 19]

Yes they know what they're getting into, but no one expects to come here and get abused.

The word abuse has different meanings to different people. In the particular case I am talking about, there was no physical or verbal abuse. Was the husband wrong for not helping her asap with her AOS process? Yes. Totally. Is she a battered woman? I don't think so. But I digress on that situation because it is really non of my business.

I don't understand how you could find it "odd" that people would be hurt or surprised when they get divorced, no one gets married looking to get a divorce so no matter what when a divorce occurs, its going to blindside someone.

I should have chosen my words more wisely. I'm sure every one would be at least hurt if they were getting divorced. What I meant to say was that I believe the chance of divorce is greater if you don't really know your spouse very well and didn't take enough time be together before marrying.

I just wonder what people expect when they get over here, that is all. Maybe because we come from a Canadian viewpoint it is hard to understand, but I didn't think I was getting some grandiose life where I wouldn't have any responsibility and things would be easy-peasy. My husband did expect me to take some responsibility for myself and for our marriage and help him work on it. We all go through trouble spots in our relationships, but if I didn't know my husband as well as I know him, I don't think I could deal with some of our issues in an adult way.

[Sprailenes 47]

I don't understand either and it is because we're Canadian, we have no big language barriers unless you're french, no real culture shock, unless you're coming from small town to big city. But I mean we are neighbors and we can blend in well. If I got a divorce, I could still live here and make it here on my own. But someone who can't speak English very well and depends on their husbands, they are... stuck.

I hate to use that word but they are. They are so dependent on their SO that they can't do anything without them for a while.

I can't even begin to put myself in their shoes because I can't even get myself into that state of mind. But when I try to imagine it, I get really frazzled so I can only imagine what they feel like.

Yes the immigrant needs to take some responsibility but many of them are coming here for a better life as well as love. I think that puts a lot of pressure on relationships too.

[Tankgurl38 0]

Immigration and all the stress of moving to a new place and having to re-establish yourself in a new place is tough, I agree and it does put extra stress on any relationship. The fantasy of going to a new country to start a new life is very intoxicating at times and I am sure there are alot of people that are drawn into that. I guess we are lucky to be only making the move from Canada as the culture shock will not be that huge for us at all.

But I don't think the divorce rate is any higher than any other relationship, you just never know and are always taking a risk. I have friends who lived together with each other for 5 years and had two kids before they decided to make things legal. As soon as they got married and things were offical, the lady couldn't handle it and bailed. So really.....regardless of how long you know each other I don't think makes a difference.

Yes, there are alot of divorces that happen to people that have come to the States on a Visa journey, but there are also alot of them that do work out too.

[DeadPoolX 9]

I don't understand either and it is because we're Canadian, we have no big language barriers unless you're french, no real culture shock, unless you're coming from small town to big city. But I mean we are neighbors and we can blend in well. If I got a divorce, I could still live here and make it here on my own. But someone who can't speak English very well and depends on their husbands, they are... stuck.

I hate to use that word but they are. They are so dependent on their SO that they can't do anything without them for a while.

I can't even begin to put myself in their shoes because I can't even get myself into that state of mind. But when I try to imagine it, I get really frazzled so I can only imagine what they feel like.

Yes the immigrant needs to take some responsibility but many of them are coming here for a better life as well as love. I think that puts a lot of pressure on relationships too.

Well... some things are different. Barring the obvious, I'd agree that Canada and the United States are quite similar in most ways. Even so, there are many people who marry within their own country and have no idea what they're getting into. As I said before, simply because someone likes Chinese food or they're great in the sack aren't necessarily good reasons to get married. At this point in time, the divorce rate is around 60% and the idea of "starter marriages" have almost become commonplace. If more people would actually sit down and talk with their significant other, perhaps we'd see a decrease in the number of divorces.