Making the move to be an immigrant

[thetreble 19]

I have wanted to post this topic for awhile but didn't know how to make it sound non-judgmental. When I navigate through VJ, mostly through the threads where marriages are falling apart and people are divorcing, my question is...why do people meet each other and decide to immigrant to one person's country 8 weeks after they meet? Do these people actually think it is going to work out or are they looking for a ticket? I just don't understand how you could marry and move to be with someone you don't really know.

Obviously, we all have our own sets of values but I just don't understand why US citizens are surprised when they are getting divorced from the immigrant they brought here...after knowing them for all of two seconds.

[payxibka 10,047]

flip side is also true as to why the "immigrant" is surprised as well when things do not work out.... and in fact they are the ones really disadvantaged if they previously cut all "ties" to there former life including but not limited to the sale of there residence, termination of job, etc....

[Emancipation 2]

mmmmm I think sometimes we don't know ourselves or what we are looking for well enough. Immigrant or not that makes for a messy situation all around. I married hubby after knowing him for less than a year.. that might be considered 'risky' by some.. but I knew what I wanted and we were both honest in the process. i'm not sure that happens 100% of the time at all...

Plus I think the romance of going to a new country and starting a new life overwelms some people, and the fantasy is what they are in love with, when they get to the US and everything isn't all unicorns and lolipops they are discouraged, frustrated and want out... it's not what they signed up for.

[Flames9_RN 358]

and sometimes you meet them for only a few days at a time and everything is peachy! But they longer u stay with them--the more u want to strangle them,lol

[Sprailenes 47]

I have known my husband for 6 years now. I am not going to sit here and pretend that it was all greatness, there have been some rough patches. Love happens in different ways for different people. Sometimes people can meet for just a few weeks and fall head over heels and just know its the right person.

I don't believe in fate or love at first site but many people do.

You can say that its the fault of not having enough time to get to know one another, but I don't think time is all to blame. Some people change after marriage, and some people just change.

I can't say why people choose to get a divorce or make the assumption. But there are a lot of scenarios.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

I think it works both ways. Could be that you spend years in courtship and marriage fails, or you marry in a flash and are together for good.

But I see your point. Immigration is too stressful a process. Some folks cannot handle it.

[Sprailenes 47]

I mean, and a lot of people on this forum didn't really know their SO's prior to moving down with them. A lot of people here don't have typical relationships and had to get to know their SO's the long distance way. I mean you finally get to move down here, but before that you had occasional visits and yea you talked online but its not the same as meeting face to face. Most couples date for a while, get to know eachother and then move in. With most of us here it is different. We're not like other "normal" couples.

I lived with my husband for two years in Canada prior to moving down here and I am still constantly learning new things about him and us.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

I mean, and a lot of people on this forum didn't really know their SO's prior to moving down with them. A lot of people here don't have typical relationships and had to get to know their SO's the long distance way. I mean you finally get to move down here, but before that you had occasional visits and yea you talked online but its not the same as meeting face to face. Most couples date for a while, get to know eachother and then move in. With most of us here it is different. We're not like other "normal" couples.

I lived with my husband for two years in Canada prior to moving down here and I am still constantly learning new things about him and us.

Ditto.

And for some of us, immigration hurries the processes. We would have been happy enough living together in common law - but our Canadian immigration status as foreign students made it easier for us to get married. And don't get me started on the US process

And I learn things about Bren all the time

[Tankgurl38 0]

It really is no different that people who start to date someone in their own country and get married a few weeks or months after they first met. They really don't know each other. Guess they are just willing to take a chance on love and that they met the person they are supposed to be with.

Oddly enough, sometimes the marriages of people who decide to get married quickly are the ones that grow old and grey together. You just never know.

I personally met my SO two years ago online and we were just email friends during that time. I would say we know each other, but we still have a whole lot to learn about one another. All I know is that when I am together with him, there is no place I would rather be, so I am willing to immigrate to another country to take a chance and be with him.

People's paths cross for a reason.

[Emancipation 2]

It really is no different that people who start to date someone in their own country and get married a few weeks or months after they first met. They really don't know each other.

I disagree to some extent.. there are cultural issues that might impact the relationship that one has to consider our situations.. it's not so pronounced in US /CAN relationships but it would be if it were say a Japanese gal marrying a CDN boy (not mentioning any names)

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Absolutely! Culture is something we tend to overlook; and it has HUGE impact in the way we relate to other people. I would sooooooooooo hang out at my inlaws' place every weekend; but likely Bren would have a cow.

And then there's Emancipation's friend.....

[Travis & Kim 0]

I think it's both ways

I have known my husband for almost 5 years now

last winter we decided for me to take a leave from work for 3 months to see if we would "work"

at the end of 3 months we decided to get married and start the I-130 process and here we are almost 8 months later

[thetreble 19]

It really is no different that people who start to date someone in their own country and get married a few weeks or months after they first met. They really don't know each other.

I disagree. I don't have any friends that have been through what I can honestly say we have all been through in long distance relationships and then this process. Moving to a different country, leaving your family, leaving your friends, etc. is not comparable to meeting the boy/girl next door.

I see what you guys are saying about two days, two years, doesn't really matter as far as things can go wrong in any relationship, regardless of time. I'm just really surprised when people who don't really know each other get married and start the immigration process in 1 or 2 months. They meet for the first time, get married, and then that's it.

Every one of course is entitled to do what they want...just think it is interesting.

[milo 0]

I have wanted to post this topic for awhile but didn't know how to make it sound non-judgmental. When I navigate through VJ, mostly through the threads where marriages are falling apart and people are divorcing, my question is...why do people meet each other and decide to immigrant to one person's country 8 weeks after they meet? Do these people actually think it is going to work out or are they looking for a ticket? I just don't understand how you could marry and move to be with someone you don't really know.

Obviously, we all have our own sets of values but I just don't understand why US citizens are surprised when they are getting divorced from the immigrant they brought here...after knowing them for all of two seconds.

Me and my American wife dated long distance for 2 years visiting each other every holiday we could and making sure we spent time in each other country.

Originally we were to both move to the US but along the way my wife decided she wanted to move here, she had a child from a previous marriage and we made sure that more then 50% of the visit included the child so that we could eperience that relationship as well.

There was no huge cultural differences between us but i must say that at time being an immigant as nonetheless created some pressure on our marriage. Cultural extreme must make this even harder.

we have been married 9 years and had 2 sons together that are now 6 and 8 my wife became a citizen here in Canada after 3 years

As you may figure out we are now in the process of moving to the US actually had my Montreal interview and maybe a couple of days or weeks from getting the visa.

I believe that in order for these relationship to work it is primordial to realise that the uprooted person will feel a void and miss some of what used to be theirs, i would not recommend it for couple that can not afford the luxury of taking the immigrant home for family visits and vacation.

and upmost always keep in mind that sacrifices were made for love..... when my wife started to speak of going back i was truly tempted to tell her why?? we have our life here now and bla bla bla, but i soon realised she was merely asking me to do for her now what she did for me then.

My kids have a better and stronger relationships with her family they are happy with it so it is the right thing to do as I see it.

I honestly believe that some sponsors get into this with a great sense of superioty if their spouses come from less favorable conditions and wave that "you owe me" around.

but again that brings me back to the importance for both to respect the other and make room for acceptance of these special needs that come when one leaves their life behind for love. And both must be ready to accept the changes that may become necessary along te way including like in my case accepting to be the other's shoes if that is what is needed.

[DeadPoolX 9]

Many people get married for the wrong reasons. This includes people who meet online. I've seen individuals declare their love for one another and get married over ridiculous things, such as they both enjoy the same types of food and TV shows. That's great if you want all you want is a friend. Having a spouse is something else entirely and while your spouse should be your best friend, you need to give more consideration to being with them.

I think part of the problem is that couples don't talk. They see each other and focus on activities, physical features and sex. Those are good, but if you don't talk to your partner, how will you ever get to know them? Your date may be someone entirely different than you imagined, but if you don't talk to each other, you'll never know -- until it's too late. Perhaps the one advantage to meeting someone online is that you are forced to talk. There are no opportunities to go out and do something together (except on visits), so partners generally get to know one another.

There's also no way to see what someone looks like online unless they give you their picture and most people won't do that immediately. The problem with looks is that it can deter us or attract us right away. Maybe someone you didn't initially find attractive is a great person and conversely, someone whom you're attracted to may be completely awful. I've found that someone who lacks a little in the beauty department, but has an awesome personality, will not only "make up" for it, but eventually make that individual appear better looking to you. Personality goes a long way, since looks will fade and in the end, all you'll be left with (for the most part) is personality. If you don't like it, then you're effectively screwed and not in a good way.

As far as immigrating is concerned, I blame that on ignorance. Ignorance does not equal stupidity. All ignorance means is that someone lacks the appropriate knowledge about a subject. In this case, people who immigrate without knowing their partner well enough are ignorant. Unless you take the time to know them much better and truly understand the ramifications of moving to an entirely new country (and sometimes a vastly different culture), your relationship is doomed to fail.