Double lives of visa journey petitioners ( what we dont really want to post)

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Our relationship is far from perfect. But I tell my husband that he is perfectly perfect for me

And as for the topic itself...isn't it easier to just indulge someone?

My rule is that if you don't have anything self-deprecating to say, then better not to say anything at all.

you have a wise soul Jenn

[~Jackie~ 30]

using 'don't' , 'not', and 'anything' in one sentence Jenn is causing my brain to think. Stop it.

[morocco4ever 63]

I wanted to do an anonymous poll of mena members to be able to post anonymously about what has happened in their relationships.

I will definitely tell you that with what I know now, I would have only sponsored a highly educated person, extremely fluent in English and on top of that, looking back at the red flags I saw all along, I would have still married within mena, but not the person I married. I think love makes us endure alot that we normally would never put up with with an american. A highly educated man that is fluent in English is just as capable of using and cheating as anyone else.

The visa process is exhausting . Not in a million years would I do it again.. for any amount of money.. this has been ridiculous for me and time exhaustive. I am curious to see if when we see flags in other peoples relationships.... if we are honest about our own or we overlook them Sometimes we see what we "think" are red flags in others relationships. We have no basis to judge if we don't know the entire story.

Internet infidelity in my book is a deal breaker yet I have seen over the last 2 years, people still with spouses who did it. What gives with our common sense? Why would any of us put up with this junk when we wouldnt accept it in Americans. Internet infidelity IS a deal breaker, I agree. But I don't get why you say that we are putting up with this with the MENA man that we wouldn't put up with it in American men. Maybe for some, but not for all of us. I am much harder on my MENA husband than I ever was with my American husband. I just won't go there again with any man no matter what his culture.

Not saying you love a person and neglecting them is emotional abuse NOT CULTURAL.. I am sorry. Why do we come up with all these complex cultural theories to explain crappy behavior? It puzzles me

I have been really loved by someone from MENA before ( it wasnt my husband) and he told me he loved me all the time, never hit me, always made me feel secure... never mistreated me.. He just couldnt legally stay here and his status was so messed up marrying me wouldnt have helped either.. so he had nothnig to gain. So I know all this bullshit about mena men not loving is a pile of #######. I get aggravated when I read this ####### about men not being loving with their wives,,, Its not cultural I don't know where you got the idea that MENA man not loving their wives. This is not a culture thing, this is a personality thing.

read the book HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU...Cause thats the deal///not culture// Gees That could be said for many women, not just ones in an MENA relationship.

God I must have looked like a dummy as I put up with more and more...I hate to say this Kat, but we are all responsible for our own happiness. You chose to deal with his behavior.

To those of you who everything is perfect.. THIS POLL IS NOT FOR YOU No matter what anyone says, No one has a perfect everything. No one is perfect, and if you try to make anyone else believe this you just make yourself out to look like a fool.

Please see my thoughts in red above.

Kat, you have got to stop reflecting what has happened to you onto everyones relationship. You take everything that is said and have blown it up into a big nasty slam fest. Not everyone that posts here feels the need to tell you their lives story. It doesn't mean they are hiding it, it merely means that it is nobodys business.

Lets play this through a scenario. I get into an argument with my husband. He tells me he has had enough, and doesn't want to live like this any longer. He starts searching the internet for flights. I get upset because of what he said, and that he is looking for plane tickets, so I post the argument here. What are you going to say? "See, he used you, and now that he has his 10 year GC he is moving on, then he will find a wife his own age back in Morocco, get married, petition her, and move on in life." Now the damage is done, and I doubt my husband and my relationship. Story continues. He realizes he was frustrated and blew up unjustifiably. After searching for tickets the reality of leaving me hit him. He loves me, and everything that was and done was in the moment of heat. He comes to me and apologized for the argument.

What should have been a simple argument between a husband and wife has now been blown out of proportion. Now everyone here on VJ assumes that I am in a fraud marriage, and that opinion does not change. This was based on a snap judgement that should have never happened. There were absolutely no signs of fraud, but yet it was escalated by the insinuations. What purpose does that serve.

There are sometimes blatant signs of a user. There are sometimes blatant signs of cheater. Those are the situations you should be talking about, but you have mirrored your life on just about everyone here. This has to stop!

[Perseverance 1]

All marriages are a work in progress. No one has a perfect marriage, and if there are those that think they do, then most likely they have no idea that there are underlying issues, and are suffering from "head in the sand syndrome"

Marriage is not for the faint of heart and takes work. When add in cultural differences, adjusting to a new country, immigration BS, etc etc.... it can make things really tough. My marriage has NOT been easy, but I have stepped up and taken control of the destiny of my marriage, I wont just watch things happen, I do the work, I take responsibility for my own actions, I refuse to be a victim. You cant work on your marriage without working on yourself and your own issues.

There comes a time in every ones lives where they have to wake up and take action, when is your time?

[sara..... 371]

well im not married yet but i know perviz is not perfect neither am i.......he is like this absent minded professor.....he can go days and think is the same day or the next day he has no concept of time...(unless its the noa2 we are lacking lol)........and to my horror when we were at his family home i found that he leaves his dirty socks laying around i have a real issue with dirty socks........he is bull headed ........wants to think he is right about just about everything in the world..........oh wait that is most men right? so nothing new there lol

on the other hand is he is loving, kind, would not hurt anyone intentionally, gives so much of himself to his family that there is nothing left over for him......and when we are together my breathing stops when he walks into the room

me......im a perfectionist so that means i also have a habit of being controlling.......i have a fiery temper if pushed to the wall....i tend to ignore things i dont like and im a work workaholic.......but if i love someone there is nothing in the world i would not try to give them or do for them

so i think we are a good match....maybe we have not had physical mmmm well we have lived in the same house for a month at a time each time we go to india in SEPARATE rooms but we have had our spats .........and i found that even if im wrong it upsets him to the point he cant even think trying to make it right......so i have learned over the last few years of our relationship to be very careful not to use that to my advantage............

sara

[morocco4ever 63]

the fact that my farts wake him up out of a cold dead sleep

i have met my match!

She is good isn't she!

[~Jackie~ 30]

Give me a plate of hummus and ful and I will wake the neighbors

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I wanted to do an anonymous poll of mena members to be able to post anonymously about what has happened in their relationships.

I will definitely tell you that with what I know now, I would have only sponsored a highly educated person, extremely fluent in English and on top of that, looking back at the red flags I saw all along, I would have still married within mena, but not the person I married. I think love makes us endure alot that we normally would never put up with with an american. A highly educated man that is fluent in English is just as capable of using and cheating as anyone else.

The visa process is exhausting . Not in a million years would I do it again.. for any amount of money.. this has been ridiculous for me and time exhaustive. I am curious to see if when we see flags in other peoples relationships.... if we are honest about our own or we overlook them Sometimes we see what we "think" are red flags in others relationships. We have no basis to judge if we don't know the entire story.

Internet infidelity in my book is a deal breaker yet I have seen over the last 2 years, people still with spouses who did it. What gives with our common sense? Why would any of us put up with this junk when we wouldnt accept it in Americans. Internet infidelity IS a deal breaker, I agree. But I don't get why you say that we are putting up with this with the MENA man that we wouldn't put up with it in American men. Maybe for some, but not for all of us. I am much harder on my MENA husband than I ever was with my American husband. I just won't go there again with any man no matter what his culture.

Not saying you love a person and neglecting them is emotional abuse NOT CULTURAL.. I am sorry. Why do we come up with all these complex cultural theories to explain crappy behavior? It puzzles me

I have been really loved by someone from MENA before ( it wasnt my husband) and he told me he loved me all the time, never hit me, always made me feel secure... never mistreated me.. He just couldnt legally stay here and his status was so messed up marrying me wouldnt have helped either.. so he had nothnig to gain. So I know all this bullshit about mena men not loving is a pile of #######. I get aggravated when I read this ####### about men not being loving with their wives,,, Its not cultural I don't know where you got the idea that MENA man not loving their wives. This is not a culture thing, this is a personality thing.

read the book HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU...Cause thats the deal///not culture// Gees That could be said for many women, not just ones in an MENA relationship.

God I must have looked like a dummy as I put up with more and more...I hate to say this Kat, but we are all responsible for our own happiness. You chose to deal with his behavior.

To those of you who everything is perfect.. THIS POLL IS NOT FOR YOU No matter what anyone says, No one has a perfect everything. No one is perfect, and if you try to make anyone else believe this you just make yourself out to look like a fool.

Please see my thoughts in red above.

Kat, you have got to stop reflecting what has happened to you onto everyones relationship. You take everything that is said and have blown it up into a big nasty slam fest. Not everyone that posts here feels the need to tell you their lives story. It doesn't mean they are hiding it, it merely means that it is nobodys business.

Lets play this through a scenario. I get into an argument with my husband. He tells me he has had enough, and doesn't want to live like this any longer. He starts searching the internet for flights. I get upset because of what he said, and that he is looking for plane tickets, so I post the argument here. What are you going to say? "See, he used you, and now that he has his 10 year GC he is moving on, then he will find a wife his own age back in Morocco, get married, petition her, and move on in life." Now the damage is done, and I doubt my husband and my relationship. Story continues. He realizes he was frustrated and blew up unjustifiably. After searching for tickets the reality of leaving me hit him. He loves me, and everything that was and done was in the moment of heat. He comes to me and apologized for the argument.

What should have been a simple argument between a husband and wife has now been blown out of proportion. Now everyone here on VJ assumes that I am in a fraud marriage, and that opinion does not change. This was based on a snap judgement that should have never happened. There were absolutely no signs of fraud, but yet it was escalated by the insinuations. What purpose does that serve.

There are sometimes blatant signs of a user. There are sometimes blatant signs of cheater. Those are the situations you should be talking about, but you have mirrored your life on just about everyone here. This has to stop!

I agree with some of your points but that takes me back to the original posting.

I think when people DO talk about whats happening, they get jumped. I think when something is happening, its hard to think through how your post is going to sound to other people.. You just post...

In my case, I have NOT been treated horribly by every mena person I know. I have some very precious friends from mena in fact my daughter spent 10 hours with my Moroccan friend on Saturday because I had to work and her best little friend ( she is 3 1/2 ) is a moroccan little girl who is 4. She spends time with their family and they speak only arabic to her when she with her. I DONT THINK EVERY RELATIONSHIP is my relationship. You are totally missing the point. I see you over at the effects boards reading those posts. It isnt just mena relationships... Its all kinds.. And no i dont think EVERYONE will have the same fate but I feel when people have experienced specific issues, they need to feel free to talk about it. I also think when you talk about stuff , you can share what others have been through and react either appropriately or inappropriately to whats going on

I still interact with mena people every day. My daughter is baby sat by one and her best friend is Moroccan. Even they talk to me about stuff and help me through stuff...They also call it like they see it and they know my husband and they have lots to say about stuff... You dont leave your wife to grieve and go off and party. You stand by her..

Men who love you dont chat on the net with other women PERIOD...Its not ok what happened to me. And judging from the fact I have lots of friends who DIDNT LEAVE and people still there for me and my kids, I am not a serial killer or a horrible person...

I never gave up.... I stood behind my responsibilites..

I think at least we should be honest about things so we can really help each other.....It doesnt help being duplicitous. I am sorry

[star_dragon 0]

Kat, you have got to stop reflecting what has happened to you onto everyones relationship. You take everything that is said and have blown it up into a big nasty slam fest. Not everyone that posts here feels the need to tell you their lives story. It doesn't mean they are hiding it, it merely means that it is nobodys business.

My thoughts exactly

[Muh and me 18]

Kat, you have got to stop reflecting what has happened to you onto everyones relationship. You take everything that is said and have blown it up into a big nasty slam fest. Not everyone that posts here feels the need to tell you their lives story. It doesn't mean they are hiding it, it merely means that it is nobodys business.

My thoughts exactly

I second that!

[caybee 21]

Lets play this through a scenario. I get into an argument with my husband. He tells me he has had enough, and doesn't want to live like this any longer. He starts searching the internet for flights. I get upset because of what he said, and that he is looking for plane tickets, so I post the argument here. What are you going to say? "See, he used you, and now that he has his 10 year GC he is moving on, then he will find a wife his own age back in Morocco, get married, petition her, and move on in life." Now the damage is done, and I doubt my husband and my relationship. Story continues. He realizes he was frustrated and blew up unjustifiably. After searching for tickets the reality of leaving me hit him. He loves me, and everything that was and done was in the moment of heat. He comes to me and apologized for the argument.

What should have been a simple argument between a husband and wife has now been blown out of proportion. Now everyone here on VJ assumes that I am in a fraud marriage, and that opinion does not change. This was based on a snap judgement that should have never happened. There were absolutely no signs of fraud, but yet it was escalated by the insinuations. What purpose does that serve.

There are sometimes blatant signs of a user. There are sometimes blatant signs of cheater. Those are the situations you should be talking about, but you have mirrored your life on just about everyone here. This has to stop!

Very accurate scenario.

[morocco4ever 63]

It is a shame that people in these relationships eventually stop coming. It would be interesting to have a poll set up that would ask questions for those that have completed their immigration process, such as:

1: Did you at some time doubt your relationship

2: Did you post your situation here on VJ, and did anyone suggest your marriage was fraud.

3: Does your husband still treat you the same since he has his 10 yr GC

4: Did he leave shortly after getting the 10 yr GC.

5: If yes, did he petition a woman from his country and bring her here.

That would at least be a more accurate test, not assumptions before hand.

One thing on Kat's post that has me curious. Are there really women here who are putting up with more ####### with their MENA husband than they would with an American husband? That just seems odd to me.

[nunyab 0]

I found out the hard way I posted a "concern" and got told all sorts of red flags and it turned out it was actually a very good idea that he had and good that he has followed through. If I listened to the nay sayers things could've been bad. I learned to give a day before posting anything and my husband asked me not to look to "strangers" for advice on our marriage but first talk to him then family and "closers" hehe his words not mine.

[~Jackie~ 30]

That 'give it a day' rule is a good one rajaa!

I could learn from that.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Kat, you have got to stop reflecting what has happened to you onto everyones relationship. You take everything that is said and have blown it up into a big nasty slam fest. Not everyone that posts here feels the need to tell you their lives story. It doesn't mean they are hiding it, it merely means that it is nobodys business.

My thoughts exactly

I second that!

And this makes it a trilogy!!!