Fiancée Having Second Thoughts

[Completely 3]

There is nothing wrong to have a second thought or getting cold feet.. Some realize early that the relationship will not work out.. Thinking twice is better rather than get married unsure and later find out that its not really working at all.

Edited November 24, 2008 by Completely

[Scott & LC 3]

Thanks to everyone for your advice and support.

I had a long talk with my fiancée today and we talked about all the things bothering her.

First, we had tried to do a tourist visa a year ago and was rejected. She was not happy how that interview went and how she was treated. For fear of rejection she really doesn’t want to go through that process again.

Next, she talked with a friend about how the fiancée interview goes at the Romanian embassy and all she got was a horror story. This friend told her that many cases were rejected and there were many girls crying. This friend also told her how she would go from her current prestigious career in Moldova to washing floors in America.

Then the part that drove her over the edge was what happened to one of her best friends. Her good friend several years ago married a man from Austria and moved to his country. Then a couple weeks ago this friend’s mother was in a terrible accident and died. She was run over by a train. This friend is stricken with grief and feels guilty about leaving her mother. She has been calling my fiancée everyday crying and telling her not to leave her family and her home.

Sounds like a bunch of excuses.

Open you eyes.........

well cut her a break... she might just need some time to think things through... not everyone can just leave everything behind so easily... i'm sure the OP is understanding enough. and i don't think that her concerns are a bunch of excuses.

[xochitl 0]

but I dont need additional time to think about marrying him!

Then I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about couples like the one being discussed on this very thread, who applied in May, already have an interview scheduled and aren't sure they will marry, while couples who have been married for years, who applied in March, haven't gotten their NOA2 yet. Personally, I think married couples should be given priority for this very reason--especially those who have kids. Of course, you are free to disagree.

Um, spousal visas are a different thing alltogether, of course they're still waiting for the NOA2, it's a longer process!

If you choose to get married and start the immigration process, that's your choice. If you choose to start the immigration process and get married, that's also your choice. I'm personally tired of the K3'ers spouting stuff out about how they should be given priority because they're already married, or complaining about the K1'ers who have natural worries about six different life changes all at once... when there are several other factors to consider than marital status.

There just has to be a better way. Just this week I read these three posts: One where a woman lost her baby in childbirht and didn't have her huband there to support her. Another where a woman went through the whole pregnancy, delivery, and first few months of her child's life without the father's support.

And a third where a woman's not even sure if she wants to immigrate or not, but maybe she'll immigrate, see if she likes it in the US and then decide whether she wants to stay or not.

That might sound fair to you, but not to me. And I'm not buying the idea that there's no way to make the process faster for married couples.

[KimandRuss 0]

There are all different kinds of people, all different kinds of relationships. Every one of us has a story...and we've all searched for short cuts.

We've all had to go through the reality check of all that it takes to get our loved ones here with us.... for some of us, it's been a much more difficult road than others.

Whether you 'buy' it or not is irrelevant. The process needs an overhaul but... is what it is.

[Badgerella 5]

but I dont need additional time to think about marrying him!

Then I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about couples like the one being discussed on this very thread, who applied in May, already have an interview scheduled and aren't sure they will marry, while couples who have been married for years, who applied in March, haven't gotten their NOA2 yet. Personally, I think married couples should be given priority for this very reason--especially those who have kids. Of course, you are free to disagree.

Um, spousal visas are a different thing alltogether, of course they're still waiting for the NOA2, it's a longer process!

If you choose to get married and start the immigration process, that's your choice. If you choose to start the immigration process and get married, that's also your choice. I'm personally tired of the K3'ers spouting stuff out about how they should be given priority because they're already married, or complaining about the K1'ers who have natural worries about six different life changes all at once... when there are several other factors to consider than marital status.

There just has to be a better way. Just this week I read these three posts: One where a woman lost her baby in childbirht and didn't have her huband there to support her. Another where a woman went through the whole pregnancy, delivery, and first few months of her child's life without the father's support.

And a third where a woman's not even sure if she wants to immigrate or not, but maybe she'll immigrate, see if she likes it in the US and then decide whether she wants to stay or not.

That might sound fair to you, but not to me. And I'm not buying the idea that there's no way to make the process faster for married couples.

But wouldn't then everyone just get married, if it were so much easier to acquire K3 visa? How would that help? What makes anyone think that a married couple is, somehow, more important than unmarried? Personally, I am not sure I would ever get married if I didn't have to. I have to, because of how this law works. Otherwise, I really could be just as faithful, commited, happy and a loving wife overall. Without that piece of paper.

So, as far as any law (including this, immigration one) should be concerned, the fact that a couple is married should not give them any advantage or precedence at all. While I feel truly sorry for the woman who couldn't have her husband by her side to support her, or the other one who had to go through her pregnancy without the baby's father as well, there's not much that can be done about that. Nor it should be, unless you want to change the entire system (and about that one, I could go on forever and ever). If you think I need to be married in order to really miss or need my significant other to be by my side, then all I can say is - well, you are wrong. There are various reasons why some couples decide to take one, or the other route. Choosing either does not make them be "more, or less equal".

[Big Papa Zone 93]

but I dont need additional time to think about marrying him!

Then I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about couples like the one being discussed on this very thread, who applied in May, already have an interview scheduled and aren't sure they will marry, while couples who have been married for years, who applied in March, haven't gotten their NOA2 yet. Personally, I think married couples should be given priority for this very reason--especially those who have kids. Of course, you are free to disagree.

Um, spousal visas are a different thing alltogether, of course they're still waiting for the NOA2, it's a longer process!

If you choose to get married and start the immigration process, that's your choice. If you choose to start the immigration process and get married, that's also your choice. I'm personally tired of the K3'ers spouting stuff out about how they should be given priority because they're already married, or complaining about the K1'ers who have natural worries about six different life changes all at once... when there are several other factors to consider than marital status.

There just has to be a better way. Just this week I read these three posts: One where a woman lost her baby in childbirht and didn't have her huband there to support her. Another where a woman went through the whole pregnancy, delivery, and first few months of her child's life without the father's support.

And a third where a woman's not even sure if she wants to immigrate or not, but maybe she'll immigrate, see if she likes it in the US and then decide whether she wants to stay or not.

That might sound fair to you, but not to me. And I'm not buying the idea that there's no way to make the process faster for married couples.

What a ridiculous argument. That's like comparing murder to shoplifting, ffs - there is no comparison to be made! And let me ask you this: would the situations of the women you speak of be any less important to both them and their significant others if they happened not to be married? Are are you completely stuck in the stone age where children born out of wedlock are "illegitimate bastards?"

[xochitl 0]

What a ridiculous argument. That's like comparing murder to shoplifting, ffs - there is no comparison to be made! And let me ask you this: would the situations of the women you speak of be any less important to both them and their significant others if they happened not to be married? Are are you completely stuck in the stone age where children born out of wedlock are "illegitimate bastards?"

Wow, what a charmer you are! Do you talk to all women like this? You must be quite a catch!

[Gemmie 142]

Giving spouses priority opens up a whole can of worms. There are always many aspects to consider; for example, did the spouse-petitioner know that the wait would be longer than a K1 and decide to get married anyway? What if a fiance-petitioner has been with their partner for a lot longer than a spouse-petitioner? Should time together take priority? What about older petitioners? Should their case go first because they're not as young as others? What about a few petitioners that are more depressed than others?

To contrast your examples of the women without their husbands (who by the way, have just as much control over pregnancy as the fiances do... seperation from the father is there no matter how you look at it), I'll tell you about posts that I've read. Sara has been waiting over a year for an approval. She's not married, so I guess that shouldn't take priority. Another recent filer is a cancer survivor and won't get to spend this Christmas with their fiance. Shouldn't that that priority? We've been apart for almost 6 years, way longer than a lot of married couples on here. Should I go before them?

Bottom line, in my opinion, is that we're all waiting this horrendous amount of time, some a lot longer than others for many different reasons. Don't go resenting others because you chose a different immigration route,

Edited November 24, 2008 by Gemmie

[Old Dominion 26]

As you can tell already, men in the U.S. have earned a poor reputation in much of the world. Young women are told horror stories about how many American men treat their immigrant wives. Our government also has a poor reputation, and it shows up in the behavior of staff in many of our embassies. Short of "being there" for the interview, if she is willing to have you come over, there is nothing you can do to respond to your concerns. Yes, she might be washing floors unless you know of some way for her to resume her professional career. Yes, people come here and feel out of place. Yes, spouses are abused and abandoned. It's all true.

[Cham 3]

As you can tell already, men in the U.S. have earned a poor reputation in much of the world. Young women are told horror stories about how many American men treat their immigrant wives. Our government also has a poor reputation, and it shows up in the behavior of staff in many of our embassies. Short of "being there" for the interview, if she is willing to have you come over, there is nothing you can do to respond to your concerns. Yes, she might be washing floors unless you know of some way for her to resume her professional career. Yes, people come here and feel out of place. Yes, spouses are abused and abandoned. It's all true.

Yes BUT not all American men are that way. Its the bad apples that give them all a bad reputation. Sad but true.

It happens even in the country your SO is from (to the OP) she needs to understand that no matter where she moves it is all over the place.

It is scary and tough to pack up and leave behind what YOU are use to. Its hella scary. Just keep letting her know you will not let her down and you know she is scared.

Its rough but I am sure she will be okay and so will you:)

[gabby4ever 1]

from experience....tourist visa interviews are alot different than the fiancee visa interviews.....the consular offficers are a lot nicer....if u have all the papers and you can prove what they ask for, there is no way they will deny you/her....her friend either told her a bunch of bs or she had something fishy with her relationship....they are very nice...id say try to convince her to go!!!

good luck!!

[ziia 9]

Her fears are prey much what i had to deal with before coming here. I'd say the one thing that most people told me back in Romania was that i would come here and wash floors. I did not like to wash floors, if you know what i mean but them saying that only made me wanna strive more and show them they're wrong. Were they wrong? No, not realy, but in time, i have come far, much further career wise than i would have ever accomplished in Romania. She should know that. It takes patience, lots of it and mostly confidence that things will be alright, bacause no matter where she is, if she's with someone that loves her and loves him back, thing will be ok. Everything can be accomplished where love is.

She knows people have different destinies. What happened to her friend was her friend's destiny, not hers. Romanians in general are superstitious and tend to be negative a bit. So let her know my storry. I left and nothing happened to my family. I've been here 5 years and still my family back there is alright and healthy. Hers will be the same if she thinks positive she will attract positive.

Tell her to go to window 4! at the embassy. I called my whole parents, mom, dad and sister for a visit here and they were all granted visas. A friend of mine had her mom here and she also had the interview at window 4 and was approved. My mom and dad told me that EVERYBODY who had the interview at window 4 at the embassy, they all left smiling. Beeing denied for tursit visa has nothing to do with beeing approved for other kinds of visas. And it is not that bad. She has to go there confident and smile. She has nothing to fear if the energy she emerges from within is positive.

good luck and don't let her go. Listening to her concerns i saw myself 5 years ago. tell her it is worth it and to stop listening to others. They only pull you back

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

As you can tell already, men in the U.S. have earned a poor reputation in much of the world. Young women are told horror stories about how many American men treat their immigrant wives. Our government also has a poor reputation, and it shows up in the behavior of staff in many of our embassies. Short of "being there" for the interview, if she is willing to have you come over, there is nothing you can do to respond to your concerns. Yes, she might be washing floors unless you know of some way for her to resume her professional career. Yes, people come here and feel out of place. Yes, spouses are abused and abandoned. It's all true.

And if she is not marrying for a greencard and loves her husband, she will wash a floor like I would wash a floor to be able to make money to stay with the person I love. What gives with these high maintanace foreigners? I have washed floors, worked at daycares. Our reputation? Stay away. In the USA , people have more rights than anywhere in Europe. Horror stories? What the hell about all the Americans who have been used and a bused by foregners shopping for countries. People are supposed to marry us cause they love us, not because they are worried where they are going to work. Frankly I am fed up with alot of these foreigners who think they are entitled to more than americans in this economy. Its ridiculous. My mother kind of sat me down last week and asked me frankly if I realised just how much it costs to support another adult ( and my husband who is now back in home country but may return in 3 weeks) has worked a total of 4 weeks in 5 months and complained the entire time tht the work was too hard. For gods sakes, people are throwing themselves into the ocean to get away from their countries. these people work hard back home. But when they are shopping for a greencard, the work i s too hard.. It because they are lazy and they dont want to work hard any more and if they are complaining BEFORE they get here its because they arent in love with their spouse. Love doesnt complain and look for things wrong. I am sick of coddling someone and have killed myself to make things work and half these people wanna be on permanent vacation. In this economy , I have had to do plenty of things I havent wanted to do to survive.. I feel NO empathy

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

As you can tell already, men in the U.S. have earned a poor reputation in much of the world. Young women are told horror stories about how many American men treat their immigrant wives. Our government also has a poor reputation, and it shows up in the behavior of staff in many of our embassies. Short of "being there" for the interview, if she is willing to have you come over, there is nothing you can do to respond to your concerns. Yes, she might be washing floors unless you know of some way for her to resume her professional career. Yes, people come here and feel out of place. Yes, spouses are abused and abandoned. It's all true.

Yes BUT not all American men are that way. Its the bad apples that give them all a bad reputation. Sad but true.

It happens even in the country your SO is from (to the OP) she needs to understand that no matter where she moves it is all over the place.

It is scary and tough to pack up and leave behind what YOU are use to. Its hella scary. Just keep letting her know you will not let her down and you know she is scared.

Its rough but I am sure she will be okay and so will you:)

read my post below. Its better the American ditch this person and walk away. It doesnt sound like love. Love doesnt have second thoughts. If I knew then what I know now, even though I love my spouse, I would have walked away. You have to WANT to be here to make it here. If you come here begrudgingly and whiney, you will never get it together to make it here. The people back home who are negative are losers who didnt get the right to be here so they run it down. Winners can make it in the USA

By the way I have been an expat in 4 different countries and traveled to over 30. I have little or no patience with people shopping for papers... AND love jumps and runs towards the spouse. If she gets here and he is an ###, she can petition VAWA. VAWA doesnt exist in europe. To hell with these people dragging these us petitioners along. It s BS and if they dont wanna be here, good riddance

[Badgerella 5]

from experience....tourist visa interviews are alot different than the fiancee visa interviews.....the consular offficers are a lot nicer....if u have all the papers and you can prove what they ask for, there is no way they will deny you/her....her friend either told her a bunch of bs or she had something fishy with her relationship....they are very nice...id say try to convince her to go!!!

good luck!!

Consular officers, here in Croatia, are exactly the same. Same place, same people. I would assume their knowledge and behaviour don't mysteriously change either.