Fiancée Having Second Thoughts

[xochitl 0]

That is not the intent of the K-1 visa. It is not intended to be for a "get to know each other" visit. It is to bring the person you are going to marry to the United States. I know it is not always used this way, but it isn't a dating visa. Both parties should be sure that this is what they want before they start the process.

Yep. And the fact that it is used as a "get to know each other" visa shows how unfair the whole process is. Couples who aren't even sure they want to get married are often approved faster than couples who have been married for years, with kids.

[Scott & LC 3]

I'd say talk to her and ask her about her second thoughts, what are they based on? Is it because of leaving her country and everything behind or is it because of her not feeling the love towards you anymore (God forbid!)... As in my case, I don't exactly have 2nd thoughts but I'm about to receive my 3rd package and I'm taking it slowly because I need time to settle everything here. I have to say goodbye to my family, my pets, my job... everything! To be with your loved one is awesome but to leave everything else behind is very hard even though I'll get to visit my family again once a year... but compare that to once a month.. it's scary thought.. also, to go to a country where you don't know anyone except your fiance is really tough too...

anyways, i hope you talk to her and find out the reasons, wouldn't want you to make any mistakes. Good Luck to you!!! Keep us posted!

*hugs*

[Gary & Olga 0]

Thanks to everyone for your advice and support.

I had a long talk with my fiancée today and we talked about all the things bothering her.

First, we had tried to do a tourist visa a year ago and was rejected. She was not happy how that interview went and how she was treated. For fear of rejection she really doesn’t want to go through that process again.

Next, she talked with a friend about how the fiancée interview goes at the Romanian embassy and all she got was a horror story. This friend told her that many cases were rejected and there were many girls crying. This friend also told her how she would go from her current prestigious career in Moldova to washing floors in America.

Then the part that drove her over the edge was what happened to one of her best friends. Her good friend several years ago married a man from Austria and moved to his country. Then a couple weeks ago this friend’s mother was in a terrible accident and died. She was run over by a train. This friend is stricken with grief and feels guilty about leaving her mother. She has been calling my fiancée everyday crying and telling her not to leave her family and her home.

Being that this is what my fiancée is dealing with I think the best course of action is to try and delay the interview. I can only hope she will feel better in time and we will not have to start this entire process over. She knows I will support her in whatever decision she makes.

Does anyone here know if I can call the Romanian embassy or does she have to do it?

Thanks once again to everyone who responded.

[Scott & LC 3]

Heya again,

I hope that you and your fiancee can get through this... I myself applied for tourist visa and got rejected (this was last year) and the officer was very mean too. i was very upset at that time but i didn't let all these get to me. i am very scared of moving so far and can't even imagine all the things that my parents will have to go through and my family... i'm sure you can both go to romania once or twice a year to visit her family... she should understand that what happened to her friend will not necessarily happen to her, besides you'll never know what happens in the future... and also, there are some sacrifices in life that one has to do. so basically, she has to leave her family behind to be with you... all of us have to do that. but it doesn't mean that we won't be able to see our family again.

and about her possibility of getting rejected again by the visa application, if she never tries it again, how would she know? she has to take a leap of faith. the world is full of unknown things, anything could happen in a second. she just has to try.

That being said, I believe that delaying the interview would be a good idea... there's 4 months timeframe for the NOA2... so maybe you can give her till the 3rd month to do the interview. I'm sure that's viable because you can reschedule the interview.. just don't rush into things, think things through and i'm sure you'll both be able to be together and be happy in the end.

*hugs*

[FCH 1]

yes what they said is true... the 90 days is for you guys to think it over. not like she has to marry you when she gets there. she can give it a try and the just go back if she realizes she doesnt wanna get married.

sorry this is hard but i pray she realizes the importance of all the sacrifices and plans you both had.

good luck.

[KAT&Allie 0]

Only you two really know what's the best for you. Good luck.

Does the US embassy in Bucharest allow you to accompany her to the interview? If so, it might be a good idea if you can to join her there. It would tremendously help her mentally to cope with the forthcoming interview, whether you do it now or at a later date.

All the best.

[inGODShands 0]

I COMPLETELY agree with what you're saying, SpookyTurtle. A fiance visa is intended for people who plan on bringing the person they are going to marry into the US. People REALLY need to be sure about their relationship BEFORE they even BEGIN the K-1 process. The visa is not intended to be used as a way to "see how he/she likes it here before marriage". THAT is COMPLETELY ridiculous!!!!

That is what the 90 day time limit to marry is for....She can come to America, see how she likes it, see if she wants to take this huge life-changing leap to marriage. If by the 90th day (or before) she decides that she doesn't want to make the commitment, she can go back with no regrets.

That is not the intent of the K-1 visa. It is not intended to be for a "get to know each other" visit. It is to bring the person you are going to marry to the United States. I know it is not always used this way, but it isn't a dating visa. Both parties should be sure that this is what they want before they start the process.

[Ellie-and-David 38]

That is not the intent of the K-1 visa. It is not intended to be for a "get to know each other" visit. It is to bring the person you are going to marry to the United States. I know it is not always used this way, but it isn't a dating visa. Both parties should be sure that this is what they want before they start the process.

Yep. And the fact that it is used as a "get to know each other" visa shows how unfair the whole process is. Couples who aren't even sure they want to get married are often approved faster than couples who have been married for years, with kids.

Grrrrrr....

The process for the K3 visa takes longer because there is more paperwork to be done before the husband/wife can enter the country and less to do on arrival!

When a K1-er gets to the other side, we have to go through dealing with this immigration pain all over again....

It is not viewed as a getting to know you visa by most K1-ers, I intend to marry my fiancee as soon as I am there, but if i did want a big sparkly wedding, at the very least I could get involved in the preparations for my wedding. I already know David, I know I am marrying a grumpy in the mornings, stubborn sometimes argumentative little devil....but I dont need additional time to think about marrying him! I cant bare it when K3-ers pipe in with this stuff! I made the choice to wait to get married and be with my husband from the start, K3-ers went down a different route. It's about choice.

Okay back to the OP, big change, HUGE change. Culturally the UK and USA are not miles apart (apart from why on earth would anyone want to eat spray cheese in a can...ugghhh), I have only just started the process but when I think about what I am giving up, it scares the doo doo outta me! When reality kicks in you really start to consider the magnitude of what you are doing!

Be patient, be understanding.....and also be prepared to listen to ALL of her doubts. And like Gemmie said, people have doubts on their wedding days...... even those who have had kids and have been together for years.

The next couple of months are going to be emotionally exhausting for you and her, let your approach to her be less about persuasion and more about understanding and listening.

[Big Papa Zone 93]

I COMPLETELY agree with what you're saying, SpookyTurtle. A fiance visa is intended for people who plan on bringing the person they are going to marry into the US. People REALLY need to be sure about their relationship BEFORE they even BEGIN the K-1 process. The visa is not intended to be used as a way to "see how he/she likes it here before marriage". THAT is COMPLETELY ridiculous!!!!

Did you not bother reading mine and Scarlett's posts on the first page of this thread? I guess not, because if you had, you'd know that nobody is suggesting that a K1 is a "get to know you" visa. I've been with my girl 7 years. We lived together for 2 of those years. We couldn't know each other better. Doesn't alter the fact that once you realise there will shortly be no going back, only then does it fully hit you. That's all the OP is saying here.

[Stinky Monkey 1]

I COMPLETELY agree with what you're saying, SpookyTurtle. A fiance visa is intended for people who plan on bringing the person they are going to marry into the US. People REALLY need to be sure about their relationship BEFORE they even BEGIN the K-1 process. The visa is not intended to be used as a way to "see how he/she likes it here before marriage". THAT is COMPLETELY ridiculous!!!!

Did you not bother reading mine and Scarlett's posts on the first page of this thread? I guess not, because if you had, you'd know that nobody is suggesting that a K1 is a "get to know you" visa. I've been with my girl 7 years. We lived together for 2 of those years. We couldn't know each other better. Doesn't alter the fact that once you realise there will shortly be no going back, only then does it fully hit you. That's all the OP is saying here.

I agree!!

[Badgerella 5]

I'll just say that completely ridiculous are not any and all doubts, uncertainties, feelings and fear of leaving everything behind, just to start a new life somewhere in a foreign country many people have not ever been to. Instead, the ridiculous thing is the process, itself.

I have been denied a tourist visa four times, because of COs (different ones, all four) ignorance (they knew nothing about the country I live, and they work in). I fullfill all the suggested requirements for a tourist visa to the US, yet most of them meant nothing because the persons behind the counter were not aware of them, or many other facts about Croatia. Or they wanted to apply some US standards to this particular country. Or because on those days, they decided to go with something else what was in their head, instead of seriously considering the application they had in front of them.

The process itself, or actually both of them that I have or am about to fully experience (B2 and K1) make me feel like a piece of cattle that needs to be evaluated before it can be exported, and then imported. Do I really feel like one? Unfortunately, I do, because of how the process is designed and because of all I have to go through.

At the same time, after a few decades of living pretty happily in this country, I really do not feel like I'm looking to emmigrate to the US to finally be able to afford a meal, or a place to live. I most certainly do not want to be treated like any of the above. But I am, and I believe that is what most people end up feeling, especially those who have been denied, or those who have been put through a serious set of question during their interviews only because they wanted to go spend their own money, during their own vacation days, in some other country. Especially when they can enter any and all other countries as they please, when they please, except for this particular one that, unfortunately, has a law that instantly belittles people and makes them feel like dirt. For istance, the fact that I might be asked to show an ATM receipt or something as random as that to a stranger, to help justify my love and feelings towards another person, or to describe how much my life has been real.... is sort of degrading, isn't it?

Maybe it is different for people who really are looking to get into the US to finally start a better life. I can't tell. I can only speak for myself, and this is how the process makes me feel. I can't, of course, know what your fiancee is going through, but I can relate to at least some of the fears she might have and can fully understand them. I wish you luck and hope you get through this.

[xochitl 0]

but I dont need additional time to think about marrying him!

Then I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about couples like the one being discussed on this very thread, who applied in May, already have an interview scheduled and aren't sure they will marry, while couples who have been married for years, who applied in March, haven't gotten their NOA2 yet. Personally, I think married couples should be given priority for this very reason--especially those who have kids. Of course, you are free to disagree.

[tallcoolone 102]

Hi all,

Me and my fiancée have been talking about her getting a visa to come to America for over a year now. We started the fiancée visa process last May and things have been going great. She finally got her packet from the Romanian embassy and we filled out all the paper work and she sent it in. We are waiting for her interview date. The problem is as soon as she dropped the packet in the mail she started having second thoughts. All of a sudden this went from being a fairy tale to real! Now she is saying she doesn't want to go to her interview. I keep telling her to go to the interview and get the visa. She can make her final decision on coming to America later.

My question to you is this common? Has this happened to you and how did you deal with it? I am really concerned she will miss her interview and then have regrets later.

Sounds like you need to move on.

If she is this wishy washy before marriage, just image how she will be during marriage.

Do yourself a favor and move on.

[tallcoolone 102]

Thanks to everyone for your advice and support.

I had a long talk with my fiancée today and we talked about all the things bothering her.

First, we had tried to do a tourist visa a year ago and was rejected. She was not happy how that interview went and how she was treated. For fear of rejection she really doesn’t want to go through that process again.

Next, she talked with a friend about how the fiancée interview goes at the Romanian embassy and all she got was a horror story. This friend told her that many cases were rejected and there were many girls crying. This friend also told her how she would go from her current prestigious career in Moldova to washing floors in America.

Then the part that drove her over the edge was what happened to one of her best friends. Her good friend several years ago married a man from Austria and moved to his country. Then a couple weeks ago this friend’s mother was in a terrible accident and died. She was run over by a train. This friend is stricken with grief and feels guilty about leaving her mother. She has been calling my fiancée everyday crying and telling her not to leave her family and her home.

Sounds like a bunch of excuses.

Open you eyes.........

Edited November 23, 2008 by tallcoolone

[Gemmie 142]

but I dont need additional time to think about marrying him!

Then I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about couples like the one being discussed on this very thread, who applied in May, already have an interview scheduled and aren't sure they will marry, while couples who have been married for years, who applied in March, haven't gotten their NOA2 yet. Personally, I think married couples should be given priority for this very reason--especially those who have kids. Of course, you are free to disagree.

Um, spousal visas are a different thing alltogether, of course they're still waiting for the NOA2, it's a longer process!

If you choose to get married and start the immigration process, that's your choice. If you choose to start the immigration process and get married, that's also your choice. I'm personally tired of the K3'ers spouting stuff out about how they should be given priority because they're already married, or complaining about the K1'ers who have natural worries about six different life changes all at once... when there are several other factors to consider than marital status.

Edited November 24, 2008 by Gemmie