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Fiancée Having Second Thoughts

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Belarus
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Hi all,

Me and my fiancée have been talking about her getting a visa to come to America for over a year now. We started the fiancée visa process last May and things have been going great. She finally got her packet from the Romanian embassy and we filled out all the paper work and she sent it in. We are waiting for her interview date. The problem is as soon as she dropped the packet in the mail she started having second thoughts. All of a sudden this went from being a fairy tale to real! Now she is saying she doesn't want to go to her interview. I keep telling her to go to the interview and get the visa. She can make her final decision on coming to America later.

My question to you is this common? Has this happened to you and how did you deal with it? I am really concerned she will miss her interview and then have regrets later.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Isle of Man
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That is what the 90 day time limit to marry is for....She can come to America, see how she likes it, see if she wants to take this huge life-changing leap to marriage. If by the 90th day (or before) she decides that she doesn't want to make the commitment, she can go back with no regrets.

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Hi Gary,

sorry you are both going through this patch.

Whether this is common, I'm not sure. Don't know if anybody has done any statistics on it but I'd imagine it's not as uncommon as one would like to hope. The cold feet factor hits all of at some point but whether we are likely to overcome it and how we deal with it depends on number of factors such as age, whether the person who relocates has ever lived anywhere else but in her/his home country, their personality and so on.

Try to talk to her as much as possible and reassure her about any doubts she might have. She needs to feel that you'll be there for her through thick and thin.

I sincerely hope that you two will overcome this and become a stronger couple as a result.

Wishing you all the best.

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: England
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Hi all,

Me and my fiancée have been talking about her getting a visa to come to America for over a year now. We started the fiancée visa process last May and things have been going great. She finally got her packet from the Romanian embassy and we filled out all the paper work and she sent it in. We are waiting for her interview date. The problem is as soon as she dropped the packet in the mail she started having second thoughts. All of a sudden this went from being a fairy tale to real! Now she is saying she doesn't want to go to her interview. I keep telling her to go to the interview and get the visa. She can make her final decision on coming to America later.

My question to you is this common? Has this happened to you and how did you deal with it? I am really concerned she will miss her interview and then have regrets later.

I think once the interview arrives it then is scary and can cause second thoughts, she could see if she could reschedule the interview to give her more time to consider her immigration.

Sal and Jay




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Hey Gary,

I think sometimes even though you think you have both talked and thought through all that a move of this magnitude is going to mean - there are occassions where it just seems so overwhelming at times.

I remember sitting in the embassy in London thinking what a huge thing I am about to embark on - and people around me kept on reminding me how they thought I was a brave person ( which wasnt always helpful ). I think it can be so overwhelming - leaving an established way of life to start all over again, not to mention any language issues that may be on someones mind.

I would invest some time in a heart to heart chat - see if she will explain what it is that specifically causing doubts, personally my biggest concern was not getting through the interview sucessfully - even though there was nothing wrong - but after everything this process put you through it is easy to become overly worried. If you can get some idea of where her major concern is then you have a chance to reassure her about how you can support her through her issue(s). Does she have a VJ account here so that she can perhaps communicate with someone from her home country who can explain how they navigated the cultural difference?

Good Luck and Best wishes

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Zambia
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The interview itself can be a scary thing to look forward to. Have you thought of the idea of being there for her in the week or so prior to the interview just to talk things through???

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: South Korea
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Hi all,

Me and my fiancée have been talking about her getting a visa to come to America for over a year now. We started the fiancée visa process last May and things have been going great. She finally got her packet from the Romanian embassy and we filled out all the paper work and she sent it in. We are waiting for her interview date. The problem is as soon as she dropped the packet in the mail she started having second thoughts. All of a sudden this went from being a fairy tale to real! Now she is saying she doesn't want to go to her interview. I keep telling her to go to the interview and get the visa. She can make her final decision on coming to America later.

My question to you is this common? Has this happened to you and how did you deal with it? I am really concerned she will miss her interview and then have regrets later.

It hasn't happened to me and I hope it doesn't. Even if it does, I will try to talk to her and find out what the reason is for her to not go to the interview. If I can deal with the reason she gives and provide her some sort of an answer to her doubt, then I believe I can persuade her. However, if I can not understand her reason and cannot deal with it, then I believe I'll have to let her go.

Hopefully, things will work out well for you guys.

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Thailand
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Listen to her. Telling her your expectations and your intentions shall be helpful, but listening to her might be the most useful thing you can do. Allow her to share how she feels and this may lead to a far better understanding of how come she is doubting.

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That is what the 90 day time limit to marry is for....She can come to America, see how she likes it, see if she wants to take this huge life-changing leap to marriage. If by the 90th day (or before) she decides that she doesn't want to make the commitment, she can go back with no regrets.

That is not the intent of the K-1 visa. It is not intended to be for a "get to know each other" visit. It is to bring the person you are going to marry to the United States. I know it is not always used this way, but it isn't a dating visa. Both parties should be sure that this is what they want before they start the process.

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: England
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That is not the intent of the K-1 visa. It is not intended to be for a "get to know each other" visit. It is to bring the person you are going to marry to the United States. I know it is not always used this way, but it isn't a dating visa. Both parties should be sure that this is what they want before they start the process.

Absolutely. You need to work things out before your fiance moves. Good luck with everything.

Edited by English Muffin
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That is what the 90 day time limit to marry is for....She can come to America, see how she likes it, see if she wants to take this huge life-changing leap to marriage. If by the 90th day (or before) she decides that she doesn't want to make the commitment, she can go back with no regrets.

That is not the intent of the K-1 visa. It is not intended to be for a "get to know each other" visit. It is to bring the person you are going to marry to the United States. I know it is not always used this way, but it isn't a dating visa. Both parties should be sure that this is what they want before they start the process.

I know it's not a dating visa and I fully advise couples to be sure of their intentions before starting the process, BUT I think there's nothing wrong with using the full 90 days to confirm that it's something you really want after the distance and immigration is out of the way.

People have seconds thoughts all the time the moment it appears real; for instance, many brides on the wedding day! This is just another example of the reality hitting home.

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Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Thailand
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That is what the 90 day time limit to marry is for....She can come to America, see how she likes it, see if she wants to take this huge life-changing leap to marriage. If by the 90th day (or before) she decides that she doesn't want to make the commitment, she can go back with no regrets.

That is not the intent of the K-1 visa. It is not intended to be for a "get to know each other" visit. It is to bring the person you are going to marry to the United States. I know it is not always used this way, but it isn't a dating visa. Both parties should be sure that this is what they want before they start the process.

I know it's not a dating visa and I fully advise couples to be sure of their intentions before starting the process, BUT I think there's nothing wrong with using the full 90 days to confirm that it's something you really want after the distance and immigration is out of the way.

People have seconds thoughts all the time the moment it appears real; for instance, many brides on the wedding day! This is just another example of the reality hitting home.

I agree with Gemmie. You have 90 days to figure it out. If it's not a good fit, then part ways. Only difference between dating and engaged, is a ring and a question on your knees.

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: England
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That is what the 90 day time limit to marry is for....She can come to America, see how she likes it, see if she wants to take this huge life-changing leap to marriage. If by the 90th day (or before) she decides that she doesn't want to make the commitment, she can go back with no regrets.

That is not the intent of the K-1 visa. It is not intended to be for a "get to know each other" visit. It is to bring the person you are going to marry to the United States. I know it is not always used this way, but it isn't a dating visa. Both parties should be sure that this is what they want before they start the process.

I know it's not a dating visa and I fully advise couples to be sure of their intentions before starting the process, BUT I think there's nothing wrong with using the full 90 days to confirm that it's something you really want after the distance and immigration is out of the way.

People have seconds thoughts all the time the moment it appears real; for instance, many brides on the wedding day! This is just another example of the reality hitting home.

Spot on, Gemmie. If I may, Gary, I'll share my own experience thus far:

Me and 'er indoors have been together for seven years now. For two of those years, we lived together stateside, so we know each other inside out. When we decided to take the step into marriage, we wished the time waiting for the NOA bollox would past swiftly, and were both ecstatic when I was interviewed, and subsequently approved. I have the visa in hand, and am due to fly out on March 31st. But you know what? Only now is the enourmity of the whole thing really sinking in. Only now that I have the visa in hand do I realise that the trips to see her are no longer nice, cosy holidays. The fact that we've been together for seven years suddenly seems to be an irrelevance. Suddenly, I'm having the very same doubts as your other half. Am I really prepared to give everything I have here up? Can I honestly face leaving a good job with prospects and a lifetime of security and starting over again at age 37? It's normal, Gary. It doesn't mean she cares any less about you.

Talk to her, honestly and truthfully. Listen to your heart, and tell her to do the same. Right now, she has the doubt demon bellowing in her ear. She has to try and be dispassionate about the whole thing for a moment and ask herself what she really wants. God knows that's what I'm doing. For what it's worth, I'm 99% sure that I'll go through with this, and I'm sure she is too. Just try not to hassle her, and let her decide what she really wants in her own time, OK?

Good luck to you both.

Edited by Damian P

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Filed: Other Country: Morocco
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Hi all,

My question to you is this common? Has this happened to you and how did you deal with it? I am really concerned she will miss her interview and then have regrets later.

I think once the interview arrives it then is scary and can cause second thoughts, she could see if she could reschedule the interview to give her more time to consider her immigration.

Why reschedule the interview? I think it would be better to go to the interview and get the visa. Never know how long that part will take. Then there is another 6 months in which to use the visa to enter the USA, plus the 90 additional days to get married. That gives her almost a year! I hope she will go to the interview and you can work out the doubts. It must be hard for these people to give up the life they know and move to a strange country.

Maggie

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: United Kingdom
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I'd just like to back up what Gemmie, Damian and others have said. The change for those of us emigrating from our home cultures is so huge that I don't think anyone can fully take it in all at once. My experience is that it is sinking in in gradual stages, every time something significant happens, my understanding of the reality of it shifts to another level. And some of those shifts can be quite frightening.

I didn't have any doubts when I was in the UK (I left the day after I got my visa, so I guess I didn't have time), and I am not changing my mind now I am here, BUT I am still experiencing those uncomfortable shifts and am still getting overwhelmed from time to time. Only now am I really becoming aware of how much I have sacrificed and how long it will take me to build "my life" again. This is terrifying really, there is no way around that, and it doesn't mean that we don't love our other people.

I needed (still need) tonnes of reassurance from my fiance that he understood just how much I was leaving for him.

Here's some advice if you want it. I have struggled a lot with the idea of giving up my (perfectly great) life in England to join his already established life in America. It is very important to me that my fiance is prepared to change his life too - ok, so in much smaller ways - but so that it feels like everyone is making a clean break and starting again, and that I am not expected just to fit in to someone else's life.

I don't even know if that is relevant really, but it might give you another perspective on how it is for the immigrant partner.

Good luck to you both xxx Lord know this is not easy and lots of us have come through very bad patches.

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