how do you deal with death - when it seems so unfair

[notime4haterz 0]

To the original poster, I'm very sorry about your friend. Maybe if you know about her background, ask some people, if she's foreign, what they do in her culture, when someone passes away? And yes, offer to help with the baby. Perhaps drop off some food/groceries. Check in from time to time (as much as your schedule will allow).

Hangininthere, I am appalled that no one helped you! It's strange! Usually the religion/culture, whatever, everyone brings food every single day. People come, wash dishes, do laundry, and make sure that everything gets done so the person that is grieving won't have to worry about it. They also buy groceries, from toilet paper, to a gallon of milk. They offer to pick up the kids from school if there are kids in the family. I remember when my grandfather died, that this went on for several weeks.

[caybee 21]

Water, I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.

Kat and Staashi, these are such good, practical suggestions and well worth saving. A man I once knew always took disposable dinnerware to grieving families. He said people tended to bring a lot of food, but then there were more dishes than usual to be washed, with family coming in from out of town and so forth. So meals in disposable containers instead of containers to be washed and returned, and disposable dinnerware, maybe an extra box of trash bags, cuts back on some of the housework burden as well.

[Rosalinda 0]

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend and her father in law..

I am sorry for the people that stay behind to endure there loss..

May God Bless them and grant them peace and mercy through this tough time

[morocco4ever 63]

A few years ago, I lost my mother (I was 16) and it was an unnatural death.

My father went through a horrible period of time grieving for her, and never seemed to really care what we felt as the children. It was always him crying, him saying that he didn't see a point in living anymore, him not caring about life... he was forced to go and get a new job to support everything because he lost the welfare that my mother brought in. I never realised at the time that he was being incredibly selfish to not think of us.. he even told me that my whole life had been ruined by what had happened, even when I tried to grieve and stay positive.

Anyways, the only thing that helped him was practical help, as someone mentioned. It never helped him emotionally, but he was in such a state of shock that he couldn't listen to any information that people were telling him, and he lost all concentration and memory too. He had friends come over to do the grocery shopping for instance, another to go and arrange the funeral with him, another to sort out the financial effects... he said that looking back, he never would have been able to do anything without that practical help, not only because he didn't care at the time, but because he couldn't take everything in.

That was five years ago, and he has moved on a lot. He still grieves for her, but it's different.

I hope you and especially your friend finds peace.

That must have been so hard for you to go through at 16. My father did the same when my mother died. He didn't want to live either. He died 4 months later. He had other health problems, but it does seem he died from heart break. His emotions were selfish, but I understand completely. Sometimes we just can't be strong, I hope you have forgiven him for this.

There have been some really good recommendations here. I will certainly remember the disposible plates idea.

[Gemmie 142]

Both parents in a few months, that must have been really hard for you.

I don't hold too much anger about it, really.. I went for counselling for a long time and I remember her being shocked at his behaviour, and me telling her that I wasn't angry because I understood how hard it must be suddenly losing your spouse. It's easy for me to say that he was being selfish and I do think that he was, but I know that if anything happened to my fiance, I would completely lose it, it's my worst nightmare (I have no children). I'm just thankful that my father and I managed to come out the other end, we talk every week so it hasn't hurt our relationship.

Edited November 22, 2008 by Gemmie

[Staashi 371]

Both parents in a few months, that must have been really hard for you.

I don't hold too much anger about it, really.. I went for counselling for a long time and I remember her being shocked at his behaviour, and me telling her that I wasn't angry because I understood how hard it must be suddenly losing your spouse. It's easy for me to say that he was being selfish and I do think that he was, but I know that if anything happened to my fiance, I would completely lose it, it's my worst nightmare (I have no children). I'm just thankful that my father and I managed to come out the other end, we talk every week so it hasn't hurt our relationship.

Gemmie and M4E, so sorry for your loss. My dad died after 34 years, 11 months of marriage to my mother. They were so happy that when he died, she gradually became ill until we discovered she had cerebral lupus, brought on by the tragedy of losing my father. There were many times when the doctors believed she would die...and I think she wished she could, too. She was hospitalized for months, had to go through speech, physical and occupational therapy. Over time, she learned how to live and function again, and today, miraculously, the drs told her on her birthday last week that the lupus has completely disappeared from her body. She'll still have to take one medication for the rest of her life, but she is back and in great form.

I know she misses my dad still, and I love that she still has their pictures around her apartment. But, what I am so glad for is that she found other reasons for living - my sister and me, and her grandchildren. Life after death can happen, but I do also know that heartache can kill you.

Edited November 22, 2008 by Staashi

[Muh and me 18]

Aw Water, I am so sorry to hear about your friend and her FIL. Its gotta be so hard for that poor man, the loss he suffered that day. And then there is a new baby that will have no mother figure for now. Offer your services to him also to help him with the baby. He may need it! My heart and prayers go out to him.

[HLM 1]

Sorry for ur loss Water ; this is so hard to comprehend!! im speechless and im remindning myself of how life is not worth all the hate n the bickering . No one can explain this or any death....I pray to God to support them n give them strength to handle this crisis and reward them for their patience. Kat gave great advice;.....i hope u feel better sweetie.

[~~~water~~~ 0]

Thanks you everyone for the replies , I have goteen a lot of good ideas on things I can do .... Much love

water

[Sandrila 1]

for your co-worker, her husband, child and family

also for your existing co-workers....may god's love and healing hands embrace all of you in this difficult time.

[Nothing1234 2]

Life is so precious I'm so sorry to read about your friend and her father in law. I will be praying for her husband and the baby, and their family.