how do you deal with death - when it seems so unfair

[~~~water~~~ 0]

On Nov 20th my dear friend and co-worker passed away.She was 8 1/2 months pregnant 26 years old In the morning she received news her husbands father had died. She was very upset and left work to return home. While at home she fainted and her husband caught her, he rushed her to the ER and there she was given an emergency c-section. The baby survived but my friend died they could not stop the bleeding. Im so upset my whole work is so upset.... I also attended a funeral today for my sister in-laws mom and it was my b-day. But there feels nothing to celebrate and I am just left pondering why this has happened. It is not fair!!!! My husband has been a great source of comfort but I really can't imagine how this can all come to pass.

Mey was soooooo excited to be a mom it was her every thought and now in her greatest sacrifice her child survives,,,, He is so beautiful to. Treasure your time and your loved ones..... Send your prayers to this father who has been left with more pain than anyone should have to see

Edited November 22, 2008 by ~~~water~~~

[morocco4ever 63]

He lost his father and his wife all on the same day? I can't imagine how he feels. He at least has a new sweet little spirit and a reminder of the love between him and his wife to hopefully some day bring him joy again.

[~~~water~~~ 0]

The baby is so beautiful even at 3weeks early he is big!

[~~~water~~~ 0]

[tenderheartusa79 14]

I'm sorry for that .it really so sad

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

On Nov 20th my dear friend and co-worker passed away.She was 8 1/2 months pregnant 26 years old In the morning she received news her husbands father had died. She was very upset and left work to return home. While at home she fainted and her husband caught her, he rushed her to the ER and there she was given an emergency c-section. The baby survived but my friend died they could not stop the bleeding. Im so upset my whole work is so upset.... I also attended a funeral today for my sister in-laws mom and it was my b-day. But there feels nothing to celebrate and I am just left pondering why this has happened. It is not fair!!!! My husband has been a great source of comfort but I really can't imagine how this can all come to pass.

Mey was soooooo excited to be a mom it was her every thought and now in her greatest sacrifice her child survives,,,, He is so beautiful to. Treasure your time and your loved ones..... Send your prayers to this father who has been left with more pain than anyone should have to see

[/quote

You cook food. You drop it off everyday. If you cant do everyday, you do it once a week until 3 months. Grieving along side of people doesnt help people who lose someone, doing practical things to help them does. I got sick and tired of people saying they felt so bad for me and then I didnt see a single member of my family from the day my baby died. They all put on a good show that they gave a #######, then no one actually did a damn thing to help me. He doesnt need your tears. He needs diapers, he needs someone to wash baby things. He needs food. The people helping him need food. For about 2 weeks I got all kinds of maudlin calls from people crying and it made me cry just to answer them. What has helped me is practical help. No I dont want to relive the death in conversation. No I dont want to talk about how devastated I am that his dad isnt here now either. No I dont want to GET OVER IT. No I dont want to get rid of baby things. No I dont want you to come back up the baby things. I would love it if you would take my kids and get them a happy meal. Come help me with something

Whats worse is all the people who said they would call and then never called. Or called and then went on and on about stupid things and made me have panic attacks to the point that I couldnt talk

When someone dies, you do PRACTICAL things to help them. You dont go down into grief with them. That is selfish and useless. You be strong for them and do things to help them. It makes you say...hey I am lucky thats not my baby and not my husband... Then you do stuff for the people left behind

It was 2 months yesterday I buried my son. Not a single muslim from the funeral ever helped my husband with grief after the funeral or brought over food. In fact not a single one called. The baptist girl across the street who barely knows me brought over food several times and has taken my son out. The other girl who went to the funeral who was one of my sons friends mom had him spend the night, she took my son out. People I didnt know from my sons school took him to events.... helped him with counseling. Alot of dramatic crying on the phone doesnt help us. Physical action does.

I sound harsh saying this stuff but I am telling you what I remember and what upset me worse.

Lots of things are unfair. It is horrifying that I lost my baby and my husband in less than 2 months and havent seen a single family member since the day of the funeral. If it wasnt for strangers, I would have commited suicide for sure. many of my "friends" couldnt deal with the grief and never called even though I am sure they talked about how much they were sad with everyone else...

Be strong for the husband and practically help him. He will always treasure that and will never forget you.

I am speaking from experience. He at least has the baby behind at will eventually be able to make meaning of things... He could have lost her and the baby and trust me, that happened to me and its like someone runs over you with 3 trucks

Find out what he needs and do it fast.... Thats how you process this loss

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

you can also set up a scholarship fun for him and get everyone to donate 50 dollars to it.

You could buy a housekeeper once a week for 3 weeks

You could help with funeral expenses

You can go buy groceries for him

I cant emphasise to you enough how practical things are the most important for someone surviving a death or grief. going down with them into grief is useless and helps NO ONE

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

you can also set up a scholarship fun for him and get everyone to donate 50 dollars to it.

You could buy a housekeeper once a week for 3 weeks

You could help with funeral expenses

You can go buy groceries for him

I cant emphasise to you enough how practical things are the most important for someone surviving a death or grief. going down with them into grief is useless and helps NO ONE

ANOTHER THING...the people from my work helped with like 150 dollars towards my 700 hundred dollar headstone. I cant tell you how much that meant to me. Even if its like 10 bucks or just a bucket of chicken, practical help is critical. It made me feel good they remembered me. Even if you dont have any money to help, you can make a deep dish Or go put a meal in his fridge

The other thing is that this loss is really too new as well, its new for you and for their family. I am sure he will have alot of support because the baby is still alive and people have someone cute to go see. You find out alot about death,dying and the selfishness of grief when people die. I never really really dealt with death before 2 months ago. I think that when death involves kids, people run like hell or think its catching. people who had miscarriages or late term death or lost a child to adoption were the people that came through for me. In fact the 2 people mentioned in the previous post, the food girl lost 2 kids to miscarriage and the one that took my son lost her baby to forced adoption. the woman who calls me from the greif place lost her mom to suicide. people who havent immediately suffered loss become voyeuristic instead of helpful.

Dont say it was gods will. Say I sorry I care for you

Dont say you understand because you dont. You empathise, You dont understand and pray you never do

Dont tell him at least you have the baby. ( I am telling you that) But it wont comfort him. Help and presence will help him

Be the person helping 2 months later. Everyone disappears

I know I see funerals,graveyards death and dying a whole lot differently...I could help with a funeral instead of just attending it. I can face horrible things and survive them....Im still not ok...but I can at least help you help this guy.

I AM GLAD YOU ARE AT LEAST ATTENDING THE FUNERALS.Many dont even do that. They say its too sad or whatever else reason. Or they run away from the grief.

I cry every day...sometimes for hours but you go through the grief,,,you cannot avoid it. You walk through it

And you help the people left behind. There are people all around you much worse than you

Call the COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS chapter. They can help the girls mom . Its for anyone who has lost a child. You need to get grief counselors helping him immediately. I have had 2 non stop since the day of the funeral. One who checks in with me daily. One I see weekly. These 2 months are crisis for people... If you can get through the first 2 months, your body heals enough to go on. But he will be in shock for weeks

[Staashi 371]

I'm so sorry to read about your friend. It is amazing how precious life is. I will be praying big prayers for her husband and the baby, and her soul. God bless you through all this suffering.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I'm so sorry to read about your friend. It is amazing how precious life is. I will be praying big prayers for her husband and the baby, and her soul. God bless you through all this suffering.

prayers are important Staashi but if I had bag of flour for everyone who sent their prayers and then never came back to hold my hand I could open a bakery. The reason I am telling her this stuff is because practical help and physical presence are alot more important than her sending "prayers" to him. People who lose people need hugs and presence.. ( this doesnt apply to YOU...you dont even know these people) I am talking about how SHE can help these people process grief....and how it will help her in the future help herself when something happens...You get a heck of a lot less petty when your life is pulled out from under you.. You DEAL and thats what she can take from this more than everything

Losing a spouse or a child is an unconceivable car wreck of a tragedy that no one EVER wants to face or deal with. I know a couple of women on here have had still borns. I am wondering what advice they have to give... Death is not a popular subject but if affects all of us at one time or another. You just hope that the spouse dies when they are old and you NEVER have to bury your child.. natural deaths are normal. Unnatural order...like unexpected or unfair make you have the plague..I actually had one moronic girl tell me that I was lucky my baby died because my husband was a jerk.. Oh yeah that HELPED. NOT.

love you guys

[Staashi 371]

I'm so sorry to read about your friend. It is amazing how precious life is. I will be praying big prayers for her husband and the baby, and her soul. God bless you through all this suffering.

prayers are important Staashi but if I had bag of flour for everyone who sent their prayers and then never came back to hold my hand I could open a bakery. The reason I am telling her this stuff is because practical help and physical presence are alot more important than her sending "prayers" to him. People who lose people need hugs and presence.. ( this doesnt apply to YOU...you dont even know these people) I am talking about how SHE can help these people process grief....and how it will help her in the future help herself when something happens...You get a heck of a lot less petty when your life is pulled out from under you.. You DEAL and thats what she can take from this more than everything

Losing a spouse or a child is an unconceivable car wreck of a tragedy that no one EVER wants to face or deal with. I know a couple of women on here have had still borns. I am wondering what advice they have to give... Death is not a popular subject but if affects all of us at one time or another. You just hope that the spouse dies when they are old and you NEVER have to bury your child.. natural deaths are normal. Unnatural order...like unexpected or unfair make you have the plague..I actually had one moronic girl tell me that I was lucky my baby died because my husband was a jerk.. Oh yeah that HELPED. NOT.

love you guys

Well, I'm sending prayers cause I'm to f'ing poor to send anything else. But lemme tell you, here in the South, we do everything we can for our friends and neighbors when someone dies. I bake meals, watch children, clean homes, I have even helped clean rooms and soiled sheets where the loved one passed away - not a pretty picture. I do whatever I can, whenever I can. I've sang as a soloist at friends' masses because they personally asked me to before they died. Can't even try to tell you how hard it is to get through Ave Freaking Maria without breaking down knowing that you'll never see your friend again.

Yes, grieving people need practical things, not just prayers. But when you can't afford to give anything else, you do what you can.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I'm so sorry to read about your friend. It is amazing how precious life is. I will be praying big prayers for her husband and the baby, and her soul. God bless you through all this suffering.

prayers are important Staashi but if I had bag of flour for everyone who sent their prayers and then never came back to hold my hand I could open a bakery. The reason I am telling her this stuff is because practical help and physical presence are alot more important than her sending "prayers" to him. People who lose people need hugs and presence.. ( this doesnt apply to YOU...you dont even know these people) I am talking about how SHE can help these people process grief....and how it will help her in the future help herself when something happens...You get a heck of a lot less petty when your life is pulled out from under you.. You DEAL and thats what she can take from this more than everything

Losing a spouse or a child is an unconceivable car wreck of a tragedy that no one EVER wants to face or deal with. I know a couple of women on here have had still borns. I am wondering what advice they have to give... Death is not a popular subject but if affects all of us at one time or another. You just hope that the spouse dies when they are old and you NEVER have to bury your child.. natural deaths are normal. Unnatural order...like unexpected or unfair make you have the plague..I actually had one moronic girl tell me that I was lucky my baby died because my husband was a jerk.. Oh yeah that HELPED. NOT.

love you guys

Well, I'm sending prayers cause I'm to f'ing poor to send anything else. But lemme tell you, here in the South, we do everything we can for our friends and neighbors when someone dies. I bake meals, watch children, clean homes, I have even helped clean rooms and soiled sheets where the loved one passed away - not a pretty picture. I do whatever I can, whenever I can. I've sang as a soloist at friends' masses because they personally asked me to before they died. Can't even try to tell you how hard it is to get through Ave Freaking Maria without breaking down knowing that you'll never see your friend again.

Yes, grieving people need practical things, not just prayers. But when you can't afford to give anything else, you do what you can.

EXACTLY

Singing at the funeral HELPS

WASHING SHEETS saved the people and helped them

AND THE PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH are the people that came and helped me and I didnt know them. they were baptists from the church and it saved my life

These things you did are EXACTLY what i was talking about. Singing at the funeral was HELPING with the funeral. Cleaning the sheets WAS HELPING THE FAMILY. You did exactly what I was talking about

Its the ones who bla bla bla then disappear or dont call and then just disappear... who irk me

People need you NOT WORDS... You were THERE and thats what I was talking about

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I'm so sorry to read about your friend. It is amazing how precious life is. I will be praying big prayers for her husband and the baby, and her soul. God bless you through all this suffering.

prayers are important Staashi but if I had bag of flour for everyone who sent their prayers and then never came back to hold my hand I could open a bakery. The reason I am telling her this stuff is because practical help and physical presence are alot more important than her sending "prayers" to him. People who lose people need hugs and presence.. ( this doesnt apply to YOU...you dont even know these people) I am talking about how SHE can help these people process grief....and how it will help her in the future help herself when something happens...You get a heck of a lot less petty when your life is pulled out from under you.. You DEAL and thats what she can take from this more than everything

Losing a spouse or a child is an unconceivable car wreck of a tragedy that no one EVER wants to face or deal with. I know a couple of women on here have had still borns. I am wondering what advice they have to give... Death is not a popular subject but if affects all of us at one time or another. You just hope that the spouse dies when they are old and you NEVER have to bury your child.. natural deaths are normal. Unnatural order...like unexpected or unfair make you have the plague..I actually had one moronic girl tell me that I was lucky my baby died because my husband was a jerk.. Oh yeah that HELPED. NOT.

love you guys

Well, I'm sending prayers cause I'm to f'ing poor to send anything else. But lemme tell you, here in the South, we do everything we can for our friends and neighbors when someone dies. I bake meals, watch children, clean homes, I have even helped clean rooms and soiled sheets where the loved one passed away - not a pretty picture. I do whatever I can, whenever I can. I've sang as a soloist at friends' masses because they personally asked me to before they died. Can't even try to tell you how hard it is to get through Ave Freaking Maria without breaking down knowing that you'll never see your friend again.

Yes, grieving people need practical things, not just prayers. But when you can't afford to give anything else, you do what you can.

EXACTLY

Singing at the funeral HELPS

WASHING SHEETS saved the people and helped them

AND THE PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH are the people that came and helped me and I didnt know them. they were baptists from the church and it saved my life

These things you did are EXACTLY what i was talking about. Singing at the funeral was HELPING with the funeral. Cleaning the sheets WAS HELPING THE FAMILY. You did exactly what I was talking about

Its the ones who bla bla bla then disappear or dont call and then just disappear... who irk me

People need you NOT WORDS... You were THERE and thats what I was talking about

Here is an interesting web article

Things Not to Do in Helping a Person through the Grieving Process

While there are many things you can do to help people through the pain of their grief, there are also things that don't help at all--and that could even be hurtful. Here are some thoughts on things it's best not to do.

* Don't try to "fix" things, or make it all better for the person suffering the loss--no one can ever do that.

* Don't use cliches, or tell people that time heals all wounds. The wound of loss will never really heal, but they will learn to live with the loss over time.

* Don't compare one griever's loss or experience of grief to another's. Comparisons seem to minimize the loss or to force grievers to behave the "right way" instead of the way they are reacting--and this can retard the healing process.

* Don't encourage grieving people to make major changes, such as moving, changing jobs, etc. Extreme grief clouds judgment, and the people may later regret their decision.

* Don't attempt to cheer them up--just be there for them, and be as supportive as you can.

* Don't scold, give advice, lecture, etc. Let the grief run its course--and remember that everyone heals at a different pace.

* Don't suggest the person can replace the one they've lost ("You can have another baby," or "you'll find someone else"). This can be alienating and excruciating for grieving people to hear--it seems to minimize their loss, even though that's not your intent.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

another thing. One thing surprised me more than anything. People start yelling at the grieving person ( Y OU NEED TO GET OVER IT... YOU NEED TO MOVE ON) It took me a while for me to realise but it was because it was hurting them seeing me in grief. Its weird how people can actually SCOLD you for crying. My aunt actually slapped me on the back between my rib cage and told me to hold it together. I had my counselors who told me to cry and cry and that helped. The practical help was the most important. I literally cannot remember the first month ( ANYTHING OF IT) it was so traumatic. I am still very depressed but I am functioning. But alot of people do alot of things that are really messed up when people die INCLUDING yelling at the grieving which happened to me constantly. My mom and my aunt even got in a fight at the funeral which was ridiculous and they were arguing during the arrangements. Death DEFINITELY doesnt bring out the best in people thats for sure

[Gemmie 142]

A few years ago, I lost my mother (I was 16) and it was an unnatural death.

My father went through a horrible period of time grieving for her, and never seemed to really care what we felt as the children. It was always him crying, him saying that he didn't see a point in living anymore, him not caring about life... he was forced to go and get a new job to support everything because he lost the welfare that my mother brought in. I never realised at the time that he was being incredibly selfish to not think of us.. he even told me that my whole life had been ruined by what had happened, even when I tried to grieve and stay positive.

Anyways, the only thing that helped him was practical help, as someone mentioned. It never helped him emotionally, but he was in such a state of shock that he couldn't listen to any information that people were telling him, and he lost all concentration and memory too. He had friends come over to do the grocery shopping for instance, another to go and arrange the funeral with him, another to sort out the financial effects... he said that looking back, he never would have been able to do anything without that practical help, not only because he didn't care at the time, but because he couldn't take everything in.

That was five years ago, and he has moved on a lot. He still grieves for her, but it's different.

I hope you and especially your friend finds peace.