trouble with hubby's english, confidence

[Chamy and Gatita 3]

My fiance has been here for about 3 weeks now, and although he says he is happy, i have noticed a change in him. he is not the carefree, happy guy i've been visiting in ecuador for the last 11 months. his true self is friendly and always laughing. with him, you can't walk a block in less than an hour, due to how many people stop him to say hi and chat. he claims he doesnt miss ecuador, only a few things about it, and that he is happy here. i believe him when he says he is happy to be with me, and in my home, but i want him to make friends and venture out a bit. ive been really surprised at how he has become shy, even when with friends of mine from mexico and central america.

also, i'm having a really hard time with how bad his english is. i have spent a lot of time patiently explaining some of his habitual stumbling blocks and he steadfastly plods on making the same mistakes ... once or twice i've gotten frustrated with him and felt so bad afterwards. he is going to a free adult school class a few times a week, but i'm not sure if it's worth it. he asked me for help with his homework yesterday, and the assignment was to write 5 sentences about his day. i'm not sure how anyone would improve if that's all they ask of the students.

im looking into an intensive 10 wk english program at UC davis that offers 20hrs a week of instruction, M-F starting in january. it's pretty pricey-- over $3000, but im hoping it will be an investment in our future. anyone familiar with this program?

ive been feeling pretty sad about the whole thing, and am hoping to hear from others who have been through this and lived to tell.

[Jasman0717 9]

My ex, a Mexican, took an English course from an adult education center and it really helped her.

[reeses16 8]

I'm sure he's happy to be with you, but he may not be thrilled with all of the changes he's going through. My hubby was a little more shy here, it took him a few months to get out of it. I think he really turned around when he was able to navigate around the city without me and could explore new places and not get lost.

Try to be patient when you're helping him with his homework. Its hard, I loose my patience too when explaining the same things many times. But then I try to remember that if we lived in Ethiopia, he'd be doing the same for me.

I'm not familiar with the program you asked about. If you have the $ it might be worth a try. But I can tell you he will learn english if he'd motivated. My hubby has a friend from El Salvador who didn't english before he moved. Its a year later and he speaks very well and takes ESL classes to improve his speech and writing. His spoken English will get much better, but it will take time and motivation to get better writing skills.

The first year is rough...they're so many adjustments that you both have to make. And its filled with waiting...visa, AOS, drivers license, job..etc. I'm sure you will look back in a year and be relieved and proud of what you both have gone through.

[reeses16 8]

Also, encourage him to talk more. Hubby was really worried that people couldn't understand his English. I kept telling him he was fine, but it took a public presentation and feedback from strangers for him to realize it. : ) The more he talks (and writes) the more confident he will become.

Make sure he has the book, 501 verbs: Spanish. That helps a lot with verb conjugation/tense.

[StillThePrettiest 3]

I'm volunteering at a free English centre, and we don't ask much of the students either - you don't know what sort of home lives they have; whether they work long hours or have to do a lot with their kids; I don't want to put high expectations on my students which will just end up being a stress

however, I always have information and exercises for them to take home if they want to, and throughout each lesson I say things like 'this is something you should practise this week', or 'when you're practising this week, make sure you don't make X mistake...'

ask your husband to ask his tutor for more practise work, or look up some things online for him... and talk English as much as you can! watch TV in English, encourage him to at least start to order when you're eating out, or pay when you're shopping; you can take over later if there are problems, but at this stage practice is the key

all the best

[Mononoke28 135]

I totally understand where you're coming from because we were in the same situation you are in right now. During the visa process you're so involved with the NOAs and packets 3&4, the interview, the flights that you keep forgetting to stop and think about what life will be like once you're together. And if you try, you think it'll be like a Disney movie where you're so happy to have him here with you nothing really matters. Well... WRONG.

The whole adjustment period is not only rough but it takes time, so don't expect him to be his good ol' self any time soon. And yes, what he says it's true, he's happy to be here but he's feeling all kinds of things at once that he doesn't even know how to process all that new info and stuff he's feeling. The only thing I can honestly say is that you have to, you have to, have to, have to be patient. That's all. They become sort of our children when they get here because even though they're happy to be sharing our new home, they're scared, they feel out of place and there is a cloud of doubt that doesn't seem to go away. It is our job to take care of them, lead them the way, teach them everything they need to learn even if you think it's dumb. My husband had to learn how to use the microwave, the washer and dryer, getting gas at the pump himself, using the self-service register at the grocery store, learning about food and how to prepare it, little things.

As for his English, again be patient. He's so full of doubt and fear right now that everything feels foreign to him. He's not comfortable but he'll get there. Also try to call all kinds of places to see who offers the best English courses for the money. My husband is currently going to a technical school M-F for ½ a day and yes, it's annoying at times when I have to repeat basic stuff he should know by now, but he tries. The cost is only $200 for two months and it's a great school because unlike the free classes they give at other places, he has to do homework and pass tests or he'll fail. So he takes it more seriously.

It will take a few months for your fiancé to adjust just a little bit. My husband felt a lot better after he got his green card in his hand, got his SS #, got his driver's license, started working, started school, etc. That helped him feel a lot better about himself and his surroundings. Another thing I did was that I told him to buy a plane ticket back in April to go see his family this November. That was a huge thing for him and he felt happy every day as the date got closer. He's currently in Colombia and to my surprise he told me this past weekend that he feels guilty for not feeling at home anymore. He realizes that this is his home now and that he's happier here than there, which is something I never thought could happen, at least not so soon.

So there's hope but without your patience and understanding, it won't happen and things will feel a lot worse than they really are.

Best of luck to you both!!!

Diana

Edited November 20, 2008 by Mononoke28

[TBoneTX 45,304]

I believe that Diana has just nailed it. Also, he is probably more homesick than he admits (or realizes). My now-wife praises her previous experience in the U.S. over & over, saying that she would be a complete mess now were it not for that. (Two of her countrybabes have gone through terrible adjustment trauma.) Even now, though, she misses her family acutely, and has shed tears at least twice.

Even if your husband isn't the typical Ecuatoriano "macho," he may be experiencing a conscious or unconscious sense that he's not 100% a "man" right now. (Please avoid misunderstanding this conjecture; it refers to feeling out of control or like a fish out of water.)

Adding to the stress may be the psychotic dealings that almost all of us had to go through, to greater or lesser but always some extent, at the ####### Guayaquil consulate. All of that saps our energy and diverts us from making all of the pre-arrival "adjustment preparations" that normally treated immigrant/U.S. couples can undertake.

Regarding the English, try all of the options suggested (by you and others). Perhaps also find him a pocket-sized Spanish-English vocabulary book. My previous girlfriend -- Canadian, but an asylum refugee as a youngster from Communist Czechoslovakia -- came to Canada knowing not one word of English. She was placed in an English-immersion program, and cried nonstop for 3 or 4 weeks, but was fine afterwards and now realizes what a boon that was. An immersion program could be of great value in your instance, too.

The above is all suggested for your consideration, si man.

Edited November 20, 2008 by TBoneTX

[Brian&Mel 0]

When I first came to the US, I feel lost and left out. Back home, I have a full life, a good job, great circle of friends and a wonderful family. So when I came and visit my husband for 6 months (and quit my job back home), all I can do is being a full time housewife. It felt good not having to work but after a while, I felt bored sitting at home. I occupied myself with cooking, going to library, reading, exploring the area. It wasn't so bad as I was driving with my Malaysian driving license.

To say that I don't miss my family and friends, that's a lie. I spent the last 28 years with them and all in a sudden my life is about my husband, me and our cat! I try to make the best out of it and I am sure things will change when I get a job.

I think missing home is pretty common and from my own experience, not having to do the stuff we used to do will make us down. I am lucky as my husband is very understanding and we talked from time to time about my experience being here and everything.

[Chamy and Gatita 3]

Make sure he has the book, 501 verbs: Spanish. That helps a lot with verb conjugation/tense.

i actually have that book! just to be sure, the spanish verbs version or is there a version in spanish, for english verbs?

thank you

[Chamy and Gatita 3]

hi everyone who replied so far,

thank you so MUCH for all the points you made. i cant tell you how much you are helping me, and us by extension. thanks for popping in TBone, you know more of our story, from us writing back and forth in the past months. And Diana, I've read a lot of your posts and appreciate your input. this is so valuable because it's hard for "normal" people, even some friends and family to understand. and i feel conflicted about not going to my spouse first.

so what im gathering here, is that i need to change my expectations about how soon his english is going to improve. i should be thinking on a grander scale, like a year to years, not weeks to months. and as far as his confidence, wise points made. you were right when you said he probably feels like less of a "man". he has made a lot of comments about not wanting to "cost" me money, and wanting to go work and earn money to contribute to "us". i think also that we have a special situation because i will probably always be the main income. he is not "macho"- i'm so lucky! so i think he can be ok with it, but im not sure if he realized the extent before coming here and seeing how much things cost.

thanks also for the insight about teaching ESL and not giving homework. i dont know if that's the thinking in his class or not, but it gave me another perspective. my husband told me the second time he showed up, they gave him books, which made him happy and proud. he said they don't give out materials right away because of how many people show up only once.

there are so many things that are new for him- just a few- sometimes people wear lycra and special biking shoes, but ride on machines inside a gym instead of real bikes outside. walking on a roof is possible, ie to clean gutters. people that moved here and never learned english. dentists can be nice. nobody will throw you out of their office for making a mistake on a form. the labels on cans of food look different. we put something inside walls called insulation. we use plastic to pay for everything. mail comes to your house. you can wear shorts into a restaurant and a beard into a bank. your facial hair in your ID picture doesnt have to match your facial hair today, or any day. cars drive in lanes, stop at stop signs, and use turn signals. rivers are not full of garbage. and the most confusing one so far, papas fritas are called french fries even though they are not french.

[TBoneTX 45,304]

You're welcome, Sweetie, si man.

REGARDLESS of whether any man is an actual macho, he WILL feel some inadequate or negative feeling to some extent if he is not the primary supporter of, or at least a financial contributor to, the family. Salve his ego periodically by reminding him that this is all a process and that things will happen soon enough, in their time. Maybe focus him on a longer-term goal of "employment or business ideas that he would most like to do." Maybe, given his perspective as a newcomer and his heightened abilities to see things that we natives take for granted (as you have so illuminatingly mentioned!), he can identify underserved or brand-new needs or services that would really be appreciated by people (potential customers/clients). Maybe he can even keep a little notebook in which to jot down ideas as they occur to him.

Hey -- just today, in the "AOS" forum here, I saw a post beginning "U.S. Department of Education..." that talks about a new on-line program for Spanish-speakers who want to improve their English. The early reviews from others are very good. Check that out.

Finally, to give hubby a laugh, refer him to: http://www.pollofeliz.com

It's my favorito place in Mexico, si man!

Postscript: If all else fails, there are MANY great telenovelas, especially on Univision. I'm afraid that I -- even being unable to understand spoken Spanish -- am hooked on "Cuidado con el Angel," 7p CST weeknights. Ufff, man!

Edited November 21, 2008 by TBoneTX

[Mononoke28 135]

Great idea Cristina, that's one of the reason why I got DIRECTV in our house, so we could have more Spanish channels including the Colombian one, they also have one from Ecuador. I know that one of the tips they give out to learn English faster is not to watch T.V. in Spanish but in my opinion, it's pointless. My husband watches ½-1 hour of English T.V. a day, especially Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer to learn more English. After he's done with that, he watches anything he wants.

I also knew that I was going to be the breadwinner of our home and I'm ok with that, he wasn't at first of course but I made sure he understood that any money going into our checking or savings account whether it's my bigger pay check or his, it's still ours. We both have a say on how to spend it and what goes in and out. I also told him that we should put money aside each month to send his family and this also helps him feel good, especially because it's us sending them money, not just me. It's the whole "US" and "WE" that we heard all about while being single. It's the only way to make a marriage work.

But it sounds like you're going to be ok. I see a lot of ourselves in you and like I said, it hasn't been easy but each day gets easier. Patience, patience, patience.

Diana

Edited November 21, 2008 by Mononoke28

[reeses16 8]

Hey, what about watching TV with subtitles? Can you watch English TV with Spanish subtitles? or Vice versa.

[2xHollyx2 3]

Hi

Okay my english was not bad at all when I moved to my hubby but it was depressing for me not to be able to say what I want.

I didn't know words that are actually totally simple. I didn't know how things in the household are called etc.

Words that you use every day.

You can put post-it notes on the things at home. (e.g. "drawer", "scissors", etc.) When he thinks he knows the word now he can remove it.

Watching tv with subtitles is not that easy at the beginning but it helps a lot to get a better feeling for the language. You learn to understand the language

and how to pronounce words.

When hubby and me walked to the store for instance, I showed him things and ask for the name and at the same time I taught him german.

You learn a lot and it is fun at the same time.

If you watch movies with subtitles in your own language it happens that you concentrate on the subtitels but don't listen to english language.

Edited November 23, 2008 by Gina-S

[TBoneTX 45,304]

K. -- I talked with the wife (C.), and she emphasizes that EVERYTHING that your hubby is experiencing is 100% natural. It is NOT JUST HIM, and he should repeat that aloud until he believes it. C. says that it will be easy enough to learn English words and a few phrases, but (barring an English-immersion program, which is a GREAT idea) it will legitimately take 6 to 12 months before he is able to speak sentences. This is because of the very natural need to translate things mentally from English to Spanish to English to Spanish (etc.) and try to pronounce things, etc. C. also says that your hubby is welcome to e-mail her with questions or for support, si man. I just sent you an e-mail on your Yahoo with her info, si man, and she'll be looking forward to hearing from him.

Edited November 23, 2008 by TBoneTX