True Love or "Abuse" Fraud? (Long Story)

[himher 634]

i'm amazed how the crowd went from interested in the story to this:

[Valsu 1]

Hah!

The angry mob is just shedding light on the topic.

Internet+Forums+People=Simpsonian Behavior

Edited November 23, 2008 by Valsu

[Chelle62 0]

Well I have read your story and most of the replys. It angers me when I see fellow vjers putting you down after you have poored your heart out. I do believe everything that you have said and I do feel that you are trying your hardest to change things. I also feel sorry for you. I dont feel it was right for her to run away as I have also been through the run away thing and its just not fair.. She should have sat down with you and said this is what I am feeling... how can we fix it? not take off and for you to not know where she is .. or for your children to not know where she is ... this is unfair

I Know it takes 2 to make a marriage and 2 to break it but when the other runs away without notice and just disapears off the end of the earth then in my opinon its wrong.

From your post you seem like a loving husband, a loving father and a loving son. I will say that your right and that your mother needs to go. Yes you both agreed to help her and you have done that but if it is causing stress for your wife and it sounds like it is for you and your mom also then its time for her to move on.

I am reading that you are doing everything to change things.. what about her ? she needs to change things also and be a little bit more understanding about finances. I can understand her desire to work if this is what she is use to so yes the aos is needed for her to feel she is doing what she likes to do. As far as the feritilty.. she got pregnant once and I am sorry for her loss and for yours , so try again?

Alls I will say is that I hope it works out for the best and I hope that everytime things get hard or bad between you that she doesnt just up and run... Trust me you can say you wont worry about that but you will. Deep inside this will stay with you and you will wonder , I know... She is lucky to have you because alot of men wouldnt think they had done anything wrong and would just move on. Your love for her shows and I dont feel you are controling, You work hard to give her what she wants. In order to do that you miss out on time with her so she needs to decide, does she want you around more or does she want material things.

Ohh I know I am going to get slammed for this post but its not all your fault.. she is to blame here also.. Hold your head up high , do what you feel you need to do and god be with you and her and your children.

Chelle

[Valsu 1]

Well I have read your story and most of the replys. It angers me when I see fellow vjers putting you down after you have poored your heart out. I do believe everything that you have said and I do feel that you are trying your hardest to change things. I also feel sorry for you. I dont feel it was right for her to run away as I have also been through the run away thing and its just not fair.. She should have sat down with you and said this is what I am feeling... how can we fix it? not take off and for you to not know where she is .. or for your children to not know where she is ... this is unfair

I Know it takes 2 to make a marriage and 2 to break it but when the other runs away without notice and just disapears off the end of the earth then in my opinon its wrong.

Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful responses. I'm not concerned much about others putting me down--I know God's opinion of me is the only one that matters.

I agree that she should have sat down with me and worked out issues. That was the one major weakness in our relationship. I was always doing the talking, and trying to communicate, while she just sat there either saying the same thing over again (beating a dead horse), or saying nothing at all. Working out problems was certainly not her strong point. She would rather pretend problems were not there, and as a result, things just build up inside of her. Just won't let them out, and in the end, she ran away. Her sister explained to me she has a large ego, and full of pride, and things like that are very difficult for her--she is at the same time also very emotional.

Of course, I don't see these things until after the fact, but I'm positive the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the miscarriage was just too much, and that's why she ran away. Not that the disorder makes it right or wrong, but she didn't care about right or wrong anymore, and was being influenced strongly by the lady from the Filipino community--according to the countless hours of phone calls on our cellphone bill. She's been heavily coached for a good 8 weeks or better from the looks of it. She was vulnerable and was swayed by their influence--at least that's my interpretation of it. Such is the case when any third party meddles in a relationship that is not their own. Either way, the time apart has opened my eyes to the error of my own ways, and now I can only pray that God encourages her to return to her family. We have not given up on her.

From your post you seem like a loving husband, a loving father and a loving son. I will say that your right and that your mother needs to go. Yes you both agreed to help her and you have done that but if it is causing stress for your wife and it sounds like it is for you and your mom also then its time for her to move on.

Yes, I just wish she could have had more patience. It didn't make sense for us to just throw my mother out the same day my wife says she must go. Things like that take preparation, and they weren't "fighting"--only bitter at each other, so I didn't see an emergency upfront. Just so many factors involved there, but nonetheless, we're in the preparation stages now for making it happen.

I am reading that you are doing everything to change things.. what about her ? she needs to change things also and be a little bit more understanding about finances. I can understand her desire to work if this is what she is use to so yes the aos is needed for her to feel she is doing what she likes to do. As far as the feritilty.. she got pregnant once and I am sorry for her loss and for yours , so try again?

I think and believe if I could give her more emotional support and time, she will become more understanding of other things. She isn't capable of understanding yet, because she's still adjusting. As for the pregnancy, we've been trying since the miscarriage, and still no results yet. Every month, it's a countdown. Sad part is, for all she knows, this month could have been "the" month that it happened, but now we'll never know.

Alls I will say is that I hope it works out for the best and I hope that everytime things get hard or bad between you that she doesnt just up and run... Trust me you can say you wont worry about that but you will. Deep inside this will stay with you and you will wonder , I know... She is lucky to have you because alot of men wouldnt think they had done anything wrong and would just move on. Your love for her shows and I dont feel you are controling, You work hard to give her what she wants. In order to do that you miss out on time with her so she needs to decide, does she want you around more or does she want material things.

I am hoping and praying for the same thing. I want her to be able to bring her problems to me--not bottle them up, and run away when she can no longer handle them. I will indeed always worry of that in the back of my mind, but at the same time that will only push me to work even harder to make her happy. I really do not want to move on--I want to reconcile our marriage, and I hope she gives me that chance.

As far as material things, one thing that always disturbed me was an offer our children's private school made to her. They told my wife (since she's a teacher), that if she would volunteer at the school, then they would let our children go there for free. Obviously they cannot pay her because she doesn't have EAD yet, but crediting our children's private education would have been the same thing as getting a payment. She refused their offer, and said she would not work for free like that. Do you know, that if she had volunteered at that school for two months, we could have had her AOS/EAD by May this year? Her unwillingness to contribute when an opportunity arises has always baffled me. There's been three other similar opportunities she turned down. She simply couldn't realize that free private education for the children was money in our pockets, because we had budget set aside for those funds. She wants so many things, but is not willing to sacrifice to get them.

With that said, I suppose I had a lot of things stressing me as well. Either way, I still love her and accept her imperfections, and hoped she would compromise the same for me.

Ohh I know I am going to get slammed for this post but its not all your fault.. she is to blame here also.. Hold your head up high , do what you feel you need to do and god be with you and her and your children.

Chelle

I don't think anyone is going to slam you. I certainly won't, and I thank you sincerely for the thoughtful concern and response.

May God be with you and your family as well.

Edited November 23, 2008 by Valsu

[wom2008 0]

Nobody is perfect. People get married because they want a partner in life.

Unfortunately the partner they found is the same person they fell in love with.

Let see, a very nice wife who lost her baby which is not even to be figured as fetus.

Suddenly she ignore the kids, have fight/arguments with mom-in-law, left the husband

and blame him for all what she's gone throuhg. And now she's in the shelter. I cannot call that a Filipina way.

A shelter for women who have domestic problem. A place perfect specially for people who just came to US as immigrant.

A place you could use as one evidence that you have never been in good situation when you came in this land of opportunity.

Husband side, been waiting, wondering, where's the wife and what's her plans. Well, yes.

You probably seeking for some hearts to be on your side in this time of hardship.

And also save your ### from whatever your wife is planning to do.

Well, i cannot blame you for that. I'm sure you spend fortune while on your LDR and till she finally came here.

Let say about $10,000 to $15,000??? Not bad my husband spent more than that.

I cannot blame you for trying to seek for advice and try not to lose anything you have to a woman who

left you because she can't face or take responsiblity as a family woman.

Let say, she's been through this kind of problem. Let me ask. How was before the miscarriage.

It is very good attitude that by not being aware of what is your wife planning you have the

faith that she love you and will come back soon...

Wake up!!! If she really love you and would like to come back she probably done that in no time.

I'm not against anybody. Okay. I'm just being practical. We are not in a fantasy world. Although we could turn it to a fantasy but

both need to work for it. They said "it takes two to tango"

Well, maybe your wife isn't one of those who is really ready with a family life and responsibilities.

I may suggest you look back from her old life and what's her likes to do before she got married..

That the first step. Then try to talk to her when she comes back, because your family was really a big shock of a change fro her life.

You have to realize that you have kids to think and continue to care about. I fyou will bring home a woman to be thier mom but can't even make them breakfast, think again. You surely love your wife but will you risk the life and future of your children because of what you call "love"

I believe in love if shows "real care" towards the other and not only cncentrating for what she wants to get.

I will not apologize for what I have said here because i mean it.

[emmajr 0]

Move on. Instead of spending all you time writing novels on this message board, deal with your life.

Enough said.

[sereia 0]

Move on. Instead of spending all you time writing novels on this message board, deal with your life.

Enough said.

What a lame thing to say....

[baxxy 0]

One helluva story, first off, this woman has brought you to near financial and emotional ruin and you're continuing to allow her to do so. She has upset your children and obviously they are emotional disturbed about it too. I can see how much you are in love with her, although i'm not sure I would call it love as much as dependency. I don't have kids but I thought parents are suppose to protect their children and you have allowed this woman to hurt them. I know you had no control of what she did initially, but your focus would be better served at this point concentrating on them and yourself instead of trying to locate this psychopathic woman. I'm not sure what to believe as far as what shes up to, but this was a long well thought out plan. She doesn't up and leave one day just like that without knowing where shes going. You seem to have done a lot for her in every way and all she has done is make you insane and has shown no gratitude towards you whatsoever.

Yes ok, she had a miscarriage, so what, I know lots of women who have had miscarriages and a few who have had several miscarriages, and yes they can get depressed, but they persevere and communicate with the ones they love, and don't throw "tampos" or whatever it is and ruin their families over it. That's a cop out right there. If I was you I wouldn't be trying to find her and bring her "home". I would be running in the direction furthest away from her, if you bring her back how do you know she won't do it again? I realize there are no guarantees when it comes to these things, but when your children are involved (and you say they've been through this once before her) they should take priority over her. She's lost right now, let her stay lost and try to bring some stability and sanity back to your life and that of your children's. If you bring her back and she does it again, (and the chances are she will) you have nobody to blame but yourself, and imagine what your kids will have to go through yet AGAIN. I'm not getting on your case here and I do feel for your situation, but your wife is obviously a nut job and I'm sorry you didn't see this before you brought her into your home. She doesn't deserve what you have done for her, if it was me, I'd be looking for her so I could send her back on the next plane back to where she came from. I realize this can happen to anyone and your not the first one where something like this has happened and you certainly won't be the last, but for the sake of your kids, try to move on and find someone who will appreciate you for you and all that you do, you deserve that much.

[Romabell 6]

I would also plan to back off a bit. The situation you describe might be interpreted as very close to servitude and your post-fallout actions fall very close to the definition of stalking, in spite of your elequent excuses and rationalizations for doing so. This is just from perusing YOUR side which does not take your wife's feelings into account at all. I have sympathy for both of you but at the same time I do not think a reasonable person would interpret your decision making in the train of events you described as being in the best interests of a shared marriage.

Fraud goes (2) ways, if you represented yourself and your life together as something different than your wife's actual experience could that be a form of fraud? ARRIVING here is only a fraction of the immigration process, and it sounds like, from what YOU say, she did her part and more. Assuring your wife a minimum quality of life once she got here is still your responsibility and in that she has been let down hard and badly.

IF this were my sister or one of my daughters I think I would expect you to honor her wishes and leave her alone if she wanted to be left alone. If you were still stalking her I think you would be encouraged (with prejudice) to give her time to get herself together. Sorry dude for your loss it sounds like the signs were all there and there were a few chances to stop, back away, and regroup along the path. Lots of guys lose someone they care about because they are controlling, insensitive, and can't cut their umbilical cord (not pointing fingers or judging just musing that things like that can happen).

+ 100

[Romabell 6]

What fraud, what abuse???????

Valsu wrote:

......"To my mother's defense, the conversation was recorded, so I actually got to hear it myself later."

That fact alone says everything!!!

Edited November 24, 2008 by Romabell

[ziia 9]

"I'll make mention that she was fully aware of our finances. I do not go around making false promises, and she knew in advance to coming here that we weren't going to file AOS right away. She openly accepted that while we were together in the Philippines. "

I'm trying to make some sense here and get something clear...Applying for her AOS wasn't because your finances were low, but because you had it planned all along. You didn't want to apply all along untill much much later, after you would have made sure that your wife's intentions about you were serious and she would have proven herself to you as beeing "genuine". I might be wrong here, but i'm guessing this was your mother's advice to you, as a mother who cares about her son and wants what's best for him, right? She would want some woman overseas to come and take advantage of her boy, would she? Your mother's behaviour, recording your wife(is that even legal, did she know she was recorded?) should have been the turning point for you! That second i would have thrown her OUT IN THE STREET! But that's just me. Can't you actualy see how harm that has done to your relationship? Indirectly...Sink in deep and open your eyes, because i truly think you have the mental capability to do so. Recording someone doesn't show you the truth, mister. It shows you a PART of that truth, the PART your mother wants to show. Did she leave the recorder on to the table for your wife to see? No, only she knew of it. So what the hell would you have expected your mother to be genuine in her conversation? What if she bullied your wife in your absence? How wuld you know that? Well you know the TRUTH now...your wife has gone bazooka and left you. Her actions speak what was realy going on and how unbarable it was for her to life under your mother's critical eyes 24/7.

It's your mother but she has a job. She should have a place of her own, period. If later on in life if she couldn't wak speak eat, work, i would do my best to take care of her, maybe even shelter her. But when you start your marriage, bring in your mother and you have a recipe for disaster.

Dude, take a chance in life and be fair to your wife, give her a status here! That is so cruel and inhumane what you did to her, no wonder she left. Poor girl. I hope you REALY make a change and realise she is a human beeing, not a toy for you to handle. Good luck!

[jazz_acid 5]

I'm so sorry ur going through all of these... im crying literally here, u and i have so much in comon when it comes to perceptions and beliefs, but my only advise is PUT ALL UR BURDENS DOWN AT THE LORD'S FEET, Jesus will give u rest, humiliate urself and tell God, "Lord, it's ur turn to drive my life". Ask for peace, wisdom and joy from the Lord. Ask the Lord to shower His love between u and his wife once again and cover her by His blood and Holy Spirit would bring her back to u. I know uv been praying, but try what i said above, say it in details to the Lord. And listen to His voice. Let Him directs u. But don't forget to ask for forgiveness, to urself, to ur mother, to ur kids, ur wife, and mostly to the Lord. The Lord hears the prayers of a clean hearted man.

I'll pray for u and ur family.

Keep in touch and if u need someone to open up with or pray together with, i'm always online friend, my yahoo messenger is jazz_acid30@yahoo.com

I know its hard to feel at ease specially in ur situation but like i said, let the Lord take in control!!!!

[baxxy 0]

"I'll make mention that she was fully aware of our finances. I do not go around making false promises, and she knew in advance to coming here that we weren't going to file AOS right away. She openly accepted that while we were together in the Philippines. "

I'm trying to make some sense here and get something clear...Applying for her AOS wasn't because your finances were low, but because you had it planned all along. You didn't want to apply all along untill much much later, after you would have made sure that your wife's intentions about you were serious and she would have proven herself to you as beeing "genuine". I might be wrong here, but i'm guessing this was your mother's advice to you, as a mother who cares about her son and wants what's best for him, right? She would want some woman overseas to come and take advantage of her boy, would she? Your mother's behaviour, recording your wife(is that even legal, did she know she was recorded?) should have been the turning point for you! That second i would have thrown her OUT IN THE STREET! But that's just me. Can't you actualy see how harm that has done to your relationship? Indirectly...Sink in deep and open your eyes, because i truly think you have the mental capability to do so. Recording someone doesn't show you the truth, mister. It shows you a PART of that truth, the PART your mother wants to show. Did she leave the recorder on to the table for your wife to see? No, only she knew of it. So what the hell would you have expected your mother to be genuine in her conversation? What if she bullied your wife in your absence? How wuld you know that? Well you know the TRUTH now...your wife has gone bazooka and left you. Her actions speak what was realy going on and how unbarable it was for her to life under your mother's critical eyes 24/7.

It's your mother but she has a job. She should have a place of her own, period. If later on in life if she couldn't wak speak eat, work, i would do my best to take care of her, maybe even shelter her. But when you start your marriage, bring in your mother and you have a recipe for disaster.

Dude, take a chance in life and be fair to your wife, give her a status here! That is so cruel and inhumane what you did to her, no wonder she left. Poor girl. I hope you REALY make a change and realise she is a human beeing, not a toy for you to handle. Good luck!

What he did was cruel and inhumane? That makes me laugh, he did nothing but try his best for her. Him bringing in his mother was not the cause of this pyscho losing her marbles upstairs, as far as I can see his mother helped them out and didn't interfere. Seems to me she wasn't getting her way and threw a few tantrums on the floor like a spoiled brat. I wouldn't be giving her any status, she doesn't deserve it.

[thetreble 19]

Can I just make a tiny, little blurb here?

If your wife is suffering from PTSD then she obviously needs help. We can all agree on that. But this whole thing where she couldn't work, left her depressed, etc. I mean..every one on this board, for the most part, has gone through the same process. It can be quite tough, yes, but you have got to grow a thick skin and just wait it out.

I think what you have to understand is many of us waited YEARS to be with our significant others and dated for years. So when we finally got to be together, we didn't care in what form or if it was ideal or not. I don't think you can say the same in your case.

I'm a scholar who was not able to work for 10 months! was it hard? Yes! Did I get through it though without running away from my husband? Yes.

Again, obviously there are a lot of underlying issues in your situation. But I knew exactly what I was in for and so there were no surprises. It was definitely difficult, as it is for almost every one, but it wasn't something I was arguing and pulling hair over every week. I just want to make a statement that I don't see that as an excuse to leave, and the underlying issues of her lost pregnancy really may take the cake.

Also, living with family is also something MANY Of us do. If you are fortunate enough to have enough money to get married and start off in a house, that is great. But I know at my age I did not have enough money, so I have been living with my inlaws for the past year. (Thank god we bought a house and move in soon) Again, this is small stuff you have to learn how to sweat off. It is not the best situation but it is not enough to end a relationship over if two people are truly in it for the long haul.

Edited November 24, 2008 by thetreble

[nycgirl 13]

Justified or not by elequent words - repeatedly calling or using friends, acquaintences, or family to call / contact someone in a shelter who feels threatened and has asked to be left alone is the legal definition of stalking. How someone HERE would interpret it is far less important than how, say, someone working at a shelter would take those actions. Sorry I made the OP defensive with these comments. Often when we get defensive about something, usually the thing we feel defensive about triggers something in our conscience and a common defensive mechanism is then to go to justification mode. Speaking in general terms only....often in the heat of circumstance and especially if we have a problem empathising with other people we are unable to realize how an outside party would interpret our actions. The purpose of the comment was to caution the OP only to stop and consider those actions and possible consequences.

Ok, explain at what point I did that? I'm not being defensive at my actions. If I "defended" anything at all, it was only the truth of what actually happened. You just have a way of reading additional things into each situation. First of all, I did not know she was in a shelter when I first went to look for her and find out if she was alright--all I knew was that two strangers neither of us had ever met picked her up. I did not actually establish the "shelter fact" until a week after she left.

In addition, once I knew she was OK, and had an idea of where she was, my attorney is the one who advised me to possibly have my pastor call the shelter to see if she is willing to discuss anything with him. Shelters will generally communicate through a pastor figure--according to both police and my attorney. It is easy for you to come off with patronizing by explaining potentially faulty defensive tactics, conscience, and justification clauses as an outsider looking in, while not going through the problems yourself. Inexperienced advisors tend to just condescendingly point fingers because of biased opinions, but I think you're better than that, so I won't assume you're borderlining such methodoligy--although you already feel both God and the law should punish me. You made your point clear earlier when you stated that, "You don't care." Bottom line is that I am here to find help for myself, my wife, and save my marriage. Do you honestly know other men who would go to that extent in a similar situation? Thankfully, many people have gone above and beyond helping us, and if my wife gives me another chance, then I'll be able to post a happy ending to this thread for everyone.

There is a chance that if you send mail to her or even a Thanksgiving card, she'll freak out and move to a different shelter. Be careful. There is no reason for you to know where she is, according to her wishes. You have even crossed that far into her private world. Just be wise and let time do its job.

I was giving that some thought, actually, but what I would likely do is send it generically to all of the shelters, and only mention in the cover letter that I know she's in a shelter, but no idea which one, and I want her to have her Thanksgiving Card from me and the children. I would likely just ask them to forward it to her, wherever she might be. My wife is not scared of me, and I highly doubt she would freak out like that. Our pain has been emotional and psychological--not physical. She knows I would never harm her like that. Also, I got the idea from one of the lady officers at our local precinct.

Either way, I'm still a little hesitant about it.

You should be hesitant about it. Regardless of your bogus "I'm sending this to all the shelters" cover letter, you look like a creepy stalker, and you sure sound like a control freak. When someone is so desperately trying to GET AWAy, they don't want your creepy letters or cards. Your mother doesn't sound much better. She needs to stay out of the whole situation. I would recommend to spend LESS time on web forums, and more time working on your OWN problems. Leave the woman alone!!!! People who are not good communicators (like your wife) cannot be bullied into communicating. It has the opposite effect. And your hopes that she is "fully recovered" by Thanksgiving, oy...........trademark CONTROLLING behaviour.