True Love or "Abuse" Fraud? (Long Story)

[Valsu 1]

You know me lil brother I just lay it out how i see it..God says there will always be some emnity between sexes.. Ie love basically stinks, but being without family now that is worse. fulfilling our obligations and helping others on this earth that is our test in this life. Which by the way you do v well. So who cares what pay pay nay nay thinks or says. always. Im not soo shocked. sounds like you took the gamble and lost. Given that thier is some discord with "love" there is even more added discord with us on VJ because of the cultural clash thing, sure we are shown the sig other world and we participate, but we never can really understand what it is to be in your case Fillipino. But both of you have to understand this fact, why she wanted you to be her savior that is her first downfall.. granted You are on a clear higher critical level of thinking than she, and that helped the situation from not igniting a longgg time ago. that is clear to all. Is it Love?? I think that it very much is LOVE in her mind, other wise she would not be sooo distraught .. really. she is v crazy thinking and reacting...and she wants eveeryone around to be co dependant. Why you would want that in your life, and kids beyond me, its your choice how much you can handle or deal with. Time will tell though because once she clears the hurdles of her mind and comes back to you thats another. she could turn to alcohol and drugs, or bad bull shitzing men. again not your doing her choice in life. Im sure someday that your ex will end up self destruction realizing what mistakes she has made. Bottom line .. quit torturing yourself. Focus on the kids and your duty of taking care of mother. after sometime file the abandonment divorce.. Move on in life, get in game again or just wait til kids are grown and find another life companion. See you in the VJ retirement home in some yrs.. ALLAH HAFIZ

PS prayer for your torment both internal and external to subside, Inshallah

Trail Mix is right, the father must maintain strength and stability in the house. Your kids are not your friends to lean on. They will lose faith in GOd to take care of all if you show doubt yourself.then what will they turn to Gayism?? And only turn the other cheek if she comes back and has Proven that she has gotten a grip on herself. Otherwise you be on that wild ride again with kids as the passengers. grow a set!!

Well, if she wanted me to be her savior, then I was surely a let down. Quite honestly, the $18K I mowed through going back and forth to the Philippines, and the downpayment on the house, is what did me in. Although, she was fully aware of my financiality the whole time. I never made that a secret to her. I do not think she will turn down those bad paths you mentioned, though. It's just not like her, and I will pray that God protects her from those temptations.

As for my children, all my attention is devoted to them right now. Also, I'm not treating them like a friend to lean on. I just bring comfort to them when they do break down from hurting, and it breaks me up also--I can't stop the tears from coming out. I'm not walking around like a whiney, depressed imbecile, if that's what you're thinking. One thing is for sure: they know their daddy loves their mother, and I know my children love her just as much. This experience hasn't turned them away from God at all, but it has drawn us much closer to Him. They're certainly not losing faith in God--in fact, my son has taken up a lot of extra Bible reading on his own, and is even doing better with reading at school as a result. I'm proud of these kids.

Edited November 22, 2008 by Valsu

[Valsu 1]

Yes I have a child and of course he has seen me cry - that was not my point. I was not suggesting that crying is a sign of weakness - most people cry at some point or another.

They may miss her - yes - but are they also not perhaps scared? insecure? worried? Most of those feelings can be related back to you - are they scared that their Father seems to be falling apart? Insecure because their parent is not there for them to lean on - worried that perhaps, what may formerly have been, their very secure loving environment may not be again?

You read what I had to say and just assumed that what I was saying was all about you.

I was talking about your children.

You underestimate the bond my children and I have. I have full custody of them both--rare for any man in the south--and have raised them on my own for years. Do they miss their mother now? Yes, very much so. They love her to a very high extent, and started calling her mommy on their own without any request from me. Are they scared, insecure? Not at all. As long as they have their daddy, they know they will be nurtured and loved no matter what. Two women may have left them, but they know daddy will not do such a thing outside of death. Are they worried? Of course! Their mommy isn't here, they will surely worry (especially with Thanksgiving next week), but they come to me and confide their worries to me, and I talk them through it.

I am not reacting as a torn and balling nut that is falling apart in front of them. When I cry with them, it's moreso they are on my chest sobbing, and tears begin to flow from my eyes as well, and I hold them tight--assuring them and praying with them for mommy's safety, healing, and return home to her family.

I keep them distracted with lots of outdoor activities during the day, and generally it's not until they go to bed that they start realizing that mommy is once again not here to make them take their baths, and prepare them for bed--then they miss her.

I swore as a child that I would never treat my children the way my father treated me, and I intend to fulfill that self-promise. I tell you this much, my wife couldn't have asked for a better set of step-children. They had some initial conflicts in the "very" begining, but once my wife laid down some law, they started respecting her. She certainly cannot blame her stress on the children--if that's the case, then she was simply not ready for a family, period.

I don't have much in this world to brag about, but these kids are precious jewels, and I thank my God in heaven for making them so wonderful, and helping them stay obediant "most" of the time--though they have their moments.

Edited November 22, 2008 by Valsu

[ManilaIdaho 2]

Upon reading your story,the replies of the members and yours,i decided to share my own thoughts.Your wife just needs her time alone,to find her peace and herself.i bet the reason why she went to the shelter is that she found somebody who has the same situation as hers,she found somebody who are ready to listen to her woes,to view her as a person and not just a step mom to your kids,not just a daughter in law to your mom and i guess because you got busy with your work,she found herself useless that's why she locked herself at the comfort of your room and wondered and waited when she'll get her AOS/EAD so she could make use of herself by being able to land a job.With her skills and being a career woman she knew she could do more, i guess before she went there to be with you,you've agreed that she'll apply for her AOS/EAD so she could work but with the 10mos wait plus the Blighted Ovum,she got tired of waiting and decided to just abandon the everyday routine that she used to do.eventhough you said you took time out to treat her and the kids out to dinner,took her to other places,it was already late,she already took pity of herself and maybe realized that she can trust nobody but herself.

I bet those shelters will not be founded if they will just brainwash those people who seek there for comfort.Give your wife some time,once her mind is cleared and realized that she still need and love you,she'll voluntarily come back to you and so you could start a new life together with your kids.As for you,just continue being a loving father to your kids,work hard for their future and hope for the best for the both of you and your wife.

Time heal all wounds,let your wife heal whatever wounds inflicted to her by your marriage,by you,by your mom, by the consequences and by herself.

[Valsu 1]

Ok... i was going to tell my long story too but then i changed my mind.. so i will just say that reading your story brang tears to my eyes like some of the people that read it....

i will just say my points..

I love my husband and believe in being with him no matter what...

He has 2 kids girl 14 and boy 11...they live with her mother..

He told me when he had months dating that he didn't want to have any more kids and as i didn't decided if i really wanted to.. he did the vasectomy..

We are now married and did a Prenup where i renounced to my rights as a wife so i won't get anything if we get divorce and everything we get is the separate property of each one byt tittle.... i guess he loves me but it is hard for him knowing that i'm in my 20's he is 40 and i havent had kids and i can change my mind about everything.. even that is not what i want and I really love him...So i'm a pretty fair person and i understood him and never ever want his money even he is not rich... So even with all this i decided to do everything come here with him and marry him.... We did it at the last time...and waited to live together for weeks to see if i was really comfortable and happy here and sure to marry and stay with him...

It was not easy...we had some argues at the beggining... like normal couples....you can expect that and we knew we were going to have them... the right thing is to learn how to deal with them and never let them become something really bad that can damage the relationship.. so we did and here i am, so happy to be with him, happy to have learnt to manage a lot of situations,, to have learnt a lot from each other that nowadays we rarely have an argue... we know the way each other is and respect and make anything to solve any problem...

But i have to say that my step-kids are not the way i was hoping... and you are so lucky to have those good kids... the thing is that the girl one day came to home while my husband wasn't and brang friends and they smoke drugs... so i told him and he obviously told her even i asked him not to because I knew this would be bad for our relationship but he did and yes.. i don't talk with her but i guess she hates me now..

and the boy is a good kid but have never felt confidence with me.. we have played and talk but he became distant with what happened with his sister.. then i heard she told him lies about me and I don't really know what he thinks about me... he comes every weekend and we spend time but distant..

i have felt sometimes jealous about them.. when my husband gives them attention.... i don't know why for sure..i would say maybe becuase i didn't have a good father or because they haven't been as lovely as i expected... i really really wanted to be like a second mom.... knowing that i won't have kids, i really wished things were like yours... i wish i could make them breakfast and take them out, buy them things, and have the best of the relationships... i know they are not mine and i guess the don't act like yours becuse they do have a mom near them...but i just wanted to be someone good for them too and that they looked at me as someone they love... anyways.. things haven't been that way... and here we are everything is good and i really hope that with the time they change... maybe it is not enough time..

So i just wanted to say that if you really are the person we can read... you seem to be a really nice man and your wife should be the one lucky too.. i don't really know or can say what is wrong with her... maybe it is not a fraud and it is something due to all what happened,, it is not easy to leave a country that is for sure and we womans become really sensitive and need lots of attention... i know i do...but i have learnt to be stronger and I love my husband so I can't say i have been depressed..... maybe just sad for one or 2 days..

I hope that everything Goes the way you wish and you can bring back your relationship, if she really loves you and wants to be back, maybe it is a depression and she needs time, maybe not, maybe she really loved you but with all what happened things changed and we can't take back what we already did like if you didn't understand her since the beggining,but i don't think anyone here can tell,,, just her....ANd maybe and the best thing i hope is that she will come back to you and things will be better...

But don't worry man.... whatever may happen...I'm sure you will find out a way out and a way to be happy again....I hope you do...

the only thing has no solution in this world is death... An life is so short and precious that it has no point to be sad a depressed wasting years weeks day or hours...

My best wishes for you....Let's think positive and that you will sort all out!

Wow, you are a very wonderful wife. You have made some ultimate sacrifices and really love your husband. I feel terrible about the situation with your step-children. Your husband will have to show you a lot of extra support in front of them, and hopefully in time they will understand to respect you for who you are. My children are extremely attached to me, so it's easy for them to love someone I love. They would do it just to make "daddy" happy, and a lot can be attributed to that because they are still young. If they are older, it could be a different scenario--I pray not, though.

I don't think she's doing fraud at all, but I wanted others to analyze the same situation just to give me some reassurance--I still must protect my family just in case. I'm hurting right now, so may not see things as clearly as some others can, and so far, the advice has been incredible and much appreciated.

I hope your situation has a happy ending as well, and thank you for the advice and support.

[Valsu 1]

Wow, what a story! I wish you the best and your wife returns home on her way to recovery...and ready to start over with you! I hope she's learning good things in the shelter, you're continuing your counseling, and you two can have a new beginning. Its not easy but if you both love each other, its worth trying again!

I don't agree with the poster who called you a "stalker". Give me a break! If my husband walked out like that, YOU BET I would be doing exactly what the OP did. Any husband or wife who loves their SO should imho. Sheesh!

I suggest continuing with counseling, send the letter to the shelter that you love her and want her back (not 1000 letters, but definitely I would send one), and I would also document situations and speak to a lawyer in case she does try anything against you claiming abuse or what not. I know you are deeply in love and it doesn't seem like she's using you to me either but you can never be 100% and you can not be sure of what she's being fed from other people. You have to think about your children and their protection as well. I think you are making steps in the right direction. I really hope that this story has a happy ending!

I am hoping and praying for a new begining. I don't pay much attention to name calling and insults. People who tend to use that as a method of advice are just shadowing their own hostilities or faults. Seeing as we're all human, none of us have reached any stage of perfection.

The shelter does have a PO Box, so I plan to send a letter, and perhaps a Thanksgiving Card if she does not come home prior to then.

I just truly pray and hope she's being fed the right information that returns her home with hopes of clean slate.

[himher 634]

Nobody called anyone a stalker.

The comment was "I would also plan to back off a bit. The situation you describe might be interpreted as very close to servitude and your post-fallout actions fall very close to the definition of stalking" and "you have made yourself, under the law, into what appears to be a stalker".

Justified or not by elequent words - repeatedly calling or using friends, acquaintences, or family to call / contact someone in a shelter who feels threatened and has asked to be left alone is the legal definition of stalking. How someone HERE would interpret it is far less important than how, say, someone working at a shelter would take those actions. Sorry I made the OP defensive with these comments. Often when we get defensive about something, usually the thing we feel defensive about triggers something in our conscience and a common defensive mechanism is then to go to justification mode. Speaking in general terms only....often in the heat of circumstance and especially if we have a problem empathising with other people we are unable to realize how an outside party would interpret our actions. The purpose of the comment was to caution the OP only to stop and consider those actions and possible consequences.

Wow, what a story! I wish you the best and your wife returns home on her way to recovery...and ready to start over with you! I hope she's learning good things in the shelter, you're continuing your counseling, and you two can have a new beginning. Its not easy but if you both love each other, its worth trying again!

I don't agree with the poster who called you a "stalker". Give me a break! If my husband walked out like that, YOU BET I would be doing exactly what the OP did. Any husband or wife who loves their SO should imho. Sheesh!

I suggest continuing with counseling, send the letter to the shelter that you love her and want her back (not 1000 letters, but definitely I would send one), and I would also document situations and speak to a lawyer in case she does try anything against you claiming abuse or what not. I know you are deeply in love and it doesn't seem like she's using you to me either but you can never be 100% and you can not be sure of what she's being fed from other people. You have to think about your children and their protection as well. I think you are making steps in the right direction. I really hope that this story has a happy ending!

I am hoping and praying for a new begining. I don't pay much attention to name calling and insults. People who tend to use that as a method of advice are just shadowing their own hostilities or faults. Seeing as we're all human, none of us have reached any stage of perfection.

The shelter does have a PO Box, so I plan to send a letter, and perhaps a Thanksgiving Card if she does not come home prior to then.

I just truly pray and hope she's being fed the right information that returns her home with hopes of clean slate.

[bhajishah 4]

Ie in simpler terms truth hurts. and denial is comfort..let time heal this family I pray

[Old Dominion 26]

There is a chance that if you send mail to her or even a Thanksgiving card, she'll freak out and move to a different shelter. Be careful. There is no reason for you to know where she is, according to her wishes. You have even crossed that far into her private world. Just be wise and let time do its job.

[Valsu 1]

Justified or not by elequent words - repeatedly calling or using friends, acquaintences, or family to call / contact someone in a shelter who feels threatened and has asked to be left alone is the legal definition of stalking. How someone HERE would interpret it is far less important than how, say, someone working at a shelter would take those actions. Sorry I made the OP defensive with these comments. Often when we get defensive about something, usually the thing we feel defensive about triggers something in our conscience and a common defensive mechanism is then to go to justification mode. Speaking in general terms only....often in the heat of circumstance and especially if we have a problem empathising with other people we are unable to realize how an outside party would interpret our actions. The purpose of the comment was to caution the OP only to stop and consider those actions and possible consequences.

Ok, explain at what point I did that? I'm not being defensive at my actions. If I "defended" anything at all, it was only the truth of what actually happened. You just have a way of reading additional things into each situation. First of all, I did not know she was in a shelter when I first went to look for her and find out if she was alright--all I knew was that two strangers neither of us had ever met picked her up. I did not actually establish the "shelter fact" until a week after she left.

In addition, once I knew she was OK, and had an idea of where she was, my attorney is the one who advised me to possibly have my pastor call the shelter to see if she is willing to discuss anything with him. Shelters will generally communicate through a pastor figure--according to both police and my attorney. It is easy for you to come off with patronizing by explaining potentially faulty defensive tactics, conscience, and justification clauses as an outsider looking in, while not going through the problems yourself. Inexperienced advisors tend to just condescendingly point fingers because of biased opinions, but I think you're better than that, so I won't assume you're borderlining such methodoligy--although you already feel both God and the law should punish me. You made your point clear earlier when you stated that, "You don't care." Bottom line is that I am here to find help for myself, my wife, and save my marriage. Do you honestly know other men who would go to that extent in a similar situation? Thankfully, many people have gone above and beyond helping us, and if my wife gives me another chance, then I'll be able to post a happy ending to this thread for everyone.

There is a chance that if you send mail to her or even a Thanksgiving card, she'll freak out and move to a different shelter. Be careful. There is no reason for you to know where she is, according to her wishes. You have even crossed that far into her private world. Just be wise and let time do its job.

I was giving that some thought, actually, but what I would likely do is send it generically to all of the shelters, and only mention in the cover letter that I know she's in a shelter, but no idea which one, and I want her to have her Thanksgiving Card from me and the children. I would likely just ask them to forward it to her, wherever she might be. My wife is not scared of me, and I highly doubt she would freak out like that. Our pain has been emotional and psychological--not physical. She knows I would never harm her like that. Also, I got the idea from one of the lady officers at our local precinct.

Either way, I'm still a little hesitant about it.

Edited November 22, 2008 by Valsu

[himher 634]

I rest my case.

Justified or not by elequent words - repeatedly calling or using friends, acquaintences, or family to call / contact someone in a shelter who feels threatened and has asked to be left alone is the legal definition of stalking. How someone HERE would interpret it is far less important than how, say, someone working at a shelter would take those actions. Sorry I made the OP defensive with these comments. Often when we get defensive about something, usually the thing we feel defensive about triggers something in our conscience and a common defensive mechanism is then to go to justification mode. Speaking in general terms only....often in the heat of circumstance and especially if we have a problem empathising with other people we are unable to realize how an outside party would interpret our actions. The purpose of the comment was to caution the OP only to stop and consider those actions and possible consequences.

Ok, explain at what point I did that? I'm not being defensive at my actions. If I "defended" anything at all, it was only the truth of what actually happened. You just have a way of reading additional things into each situation. First of all, I did not know she was in a shelter when I first went to look for her and find out if she was alright--all I knew was that two strangers neither of us had ever met picked her up. I did not actually establish the "shelter fact" until a week after she left.

In addition, once I knew she was OK, and had an idea of where she was, my attorney is the one who advised me to possibly have my pastor call the shelter to see if she is willing to discuss anything with him. Shelters will generally communicate through a pastor figure--according to both police and my attorney. It is easy for you to come off with patronizing by explaining potentially faulty defensive tactics, conscience, and justification clauses as an outsider looking in, while not going through the problems yourself. Inexperienced advisors tend to just condescendingly point fingers because of biased opinions, but I think you're better than that, so I won't assume you're borderlining such methodoligy--although you already feel both God and the law should punish me. You made your point clear earlier when you stated that, "You don't care." Bottom line is that I am here to find help for myself, my wife, and save my marriage. Do you honestly know other men who would go to that extent in a similar situation? Thankfully, many people have gone above and beyond helping us, and if my wife gives me another chance, then I'll be able to post a happy ending to this thread for everyone.

There is a chance that if you send mail to her or even a Thanksgiving card, she'll freak out and move to a different shelter. Be careful. There is no reason for you to know where she is, according to her wishes. You have even crossed that far into her private world. Just be wise and let time do its job.

I was giving that some thought, actually, but what I would likely do is send it generically to all of the shelters, and only mention in the cover letter that I know she's in a shelter, but no idea which one, and I want her to have her Thanksgiving Card from me and the children. I would likely just ask them to forward it to her, wherever she might be. My wife is not scared of me, and I highly doubt she would freak out like that. Our pain has been emotional and psychological--not physical. She knows I would never harm her like that. Also, I got the idea from one of the lady officers at our local precinct.

Either way, I'm still a little hesitant about it.

[daboyz 36]

Move on. Instead of spending all you time writing novels on this message board, deal with your life.

[Valsu 1]

Move on. Instead of spending all you time writing novels on this message board, deal with your life.

Heh, I changed my work hours around completely in preparation for my wife's return, so I can spend more time with her. Meanwhile, it has left me with a lot of spare time on my hands. Mostly spending time with the kids, and getting lots of things organized, and writing novels on the forums when I get a chance.

[sasha414 0]

Valsu i have been following this thread and now i will say my piece. your wife came into the marriage with good intentions, no fraud in mind. however, she did not expect things to turn out the way they did. she thought everything would go something like this: she arrives in america, you get married, you apply for AOS/EAD, you both work, come home at the end of the day and live a happy life. but that was not the case and i guess the day by day events became overwhelming. it suddenly struck her that maybe you brought her to america hoping to have a nanny for the kids and a housekeeper at the same time. i know this was never your intention Valsu. bottomline here is both of you have your faults. you lack communication. you were too busy with work that you failed to see what was happening at home. you failed to see that your wife was not happy anymore. but you see, things happen for a reason and if your wife had never left you, then you would never have opened your eyes to what was happening. this time apart is a chance to make things right . i pray she comes back to you and when she does, do everything you can to mend your marriage. we always learn from our mistakes .

[Valsu 1]

Valsu i have been following this thread and now i will say my piece. your wife came into the marriage with good intentions, no fraud in mind. however, she did not expect things to turn out the way they did. she thought everything would go something like this: she arrives in america, you get married, you apply for AOS/EAD, you both work, come home at the end of the day and live a happy life. but that was not the case and i guess the day by day events became overwhelming. it suddenly struck her that maybe you brought her to america hoping to have a nanny for the kids and a housekeeper at the same time. i know this was never your intention Valsu. bottomline here is both of you have your faults. you lack communication. you were too busy with work that you failed to see what was happening at home. you failed to see that your wife was not happy anymore. but you see, things happen for a reason and if your wife had never left you, then you would never have opened your eyes to what was happening. this time apart is a chance to make things right . i pray she comes back to you and when she does, do everything you can to mend your marriage. we always learn from our mistakes .

You are so right, Sasha. The time apart has been the eye-opener, and I know for a fact that I would have NEVER seen it, for years to come, if she hadn't left. I just wish it wasn't for such a long time, and during the holidays as well. I pray she comes home. As drastic as her choice has been, I still love her, and will welcome her with open arms when she returns. All future hope rests in her heart, wherever it may be now.

By the way, I've completed her AOS/EAD. Now, once she arrives home, all she has to do is sign some things, and it's getting sent in right away.

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

i'm amazed how the crowd went from interested in the story to this: