True Love or "Abuse" Fraud? (Long Story)

[Valsu 1]

your outcome doesn't support your exalted view of yourself.

That was genuinely funny! Good one.

My answer is - I don't care.

Exactly. So, you have a nice weekend too!

[Valsu 1]

Seems like things may be looking up (regarding the post about your wife contacting her sister), that's good, but on a second note... yikes, the crazies have come out in full force to post!

I don't see it that way. They are just sharing their opinion like anyone else. I don't mind a bit. Good, bad or ugly, everyone has the freedom of speech.

Truth is, yes, things are looking up because my wife is safe and OK. She's healing, and I hope she's fully recovered before Thanksgiving. Her return home would be something worth being thankful for! I certainly don't want us to miss out on our opportunity to share our first Thanksgiving together.

I don't know a lot about these kinds of shelters and haven't done the research you have, but I'd expect her to remain there for as much as a month, I imagine these places are run similar to a rehab, they want to adjust your lifestyle for a long enough period for it to be a habit so to speak. Odds are very high that phone calls will be monitored, the job of the shelter is to protect women from abusive manipulative husbands, to them every sweet talking man promising to do better if only she'll return is potentially just a typical two faced abusive a-hole, they can't really take those chances.

Yes, I fully understand that. I was just worried about what types of information they'd doctrinate her with while she's vulnerable after reading those horror stories from other shelters. The only reason I researched the shelters is because my attorney told me to. Nonetheless, I have asked around about the one she's in from random women, and I've heard only great things about it. So I have full confidence that God is taking care of her full-well.

As far as the nightmare horror stories you read about shelters, it's the internet, a couple of things apply, horror stories make more interesting news, news sites tend to get listed at the top, and once you read one horror story you probably started searching for more information trying to verify if that's really how bad it is, in turn you started digging for horror stories. No one reports on shelters doing their jobs right, and even if they do, those aren't the stories people will talk about and spread around. Without a doubt most shelters are probably run with a high degree of professionalism, this doesn't mean that they don't have some major issues, and that they aren't a business out to make money or at least cover the costs of the services they provide. The things they must do to help the truly abused women out there probably won't paint a pretty picture of you and really may be harmful to your marriage, but for the women who really are in a cycle of returning to abusive husbands, it's absolutely the minimum they need to do to prevent the problem.

I just don't want them to fill her head with saying I must be perfect or else. We all have faults, and I know one day in the future I will let her down, and I don't want her to feel she has to run away every time I fail. If she would only open up and talk to me about how she feels, it would make things easier. She doesn't communicate with me, and therefore her problems stay bottled up. She must break out of that shell! Hopefully when she gets much more emotional support and compassion from me, she'll feel more capable of opening up to me.

Something to keep in mind is that people in the philippines do not like public criticism, especially from spouses, with your mother at home anything perceived as criticism may have been humiliating to your wife.

All that being said, hopefully you get a second chance here.

One thing I never did was criticized her behavior publicly, or in front of my mother, but I certainly did share my thoughts about many of her actions 1 on 1. I just did not realize that she was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I just kept viewing her as being extremely immature and unreasonable. I forget about the difference in culture during such stressful times, and this distance apart from each other has helped me figure all of these things out to help me bocome a better husband.

Some may not like me because of this thread, but they should take to heart the fact that I am here honestly seeking answers. Most of the guys I know would just be up at the bar sorrowing in drunkness with their buddies, cheating, or filing for divorce if this happened to them. A dozen people have already told me to ditch her--typical Americans. I refuse to do that. She'll have to be the one who breaks it off if she chooses to, and even then I'll still help her any way that I can if she needs anything.

[Old Dominion 26]

More cheap words. I sort of look at things as outcome based and regretfully your outcome doesn't support your exalted view of yourself. As I don't personally know you, I am in no position to judge you. I do know the classic signs of an abusive marriage (from an immigration standpoint) and nominate you as "poster boy for south asian servitude". The fact that controlling, manipulative situations statistically start during childhood only bolsters my initial impression of this one.

Thank you for asking what I prefer to see happen. My answer is - I don't care. Have a good weekend!

"Trapped" is living in a country out of status with no options, no ID, and no legal place in the community - where if you try to go home you are banned from ever returning. Women from other countries get brought here and get trapped cooking, cleaning, and servicing men ALL THE TIME. Welcome to that club of abusers, and yes that's what you effectively are, I hope you are proud of yourself. "LOVE" isn't a bunch of words on the internet. "LOVE" is putting your wife on a pedestal of equality and treating her like a partner, not a utility. Why is your wife out of status? Because of you and your inability to man up and meet your responsibilities for 10 MONTHS. Your words about "willing to do anything?". Words are as cheap as a courthouse wedding and a series of broken promises and commitments to the one you supposedly love.

First of all, allow me to set a record straight for you on a few things. Our "courthouse" wedding was equally agreed upon. We did not want to rush a wedding ceremony because we were in the middle of me changing jobs, moving to a new city, etc. We both agreed to have our church wedding 1 yr from the date of our actual marriage--a renewal if you will--so we'd actually have some friends to attend it. Not to mention, we held a "non-binding" ceremony in the Philippines already just to go through those motions in advance, and at least enjoy the practice and concept of it in preparation for the real thing. We want to plan for a great ceremony--not some mediocre ####### thrown together with no attendants.

Also, I explained why she is still out of status quite clearly. Some things are unavoidable, and surgery is one of them. I never trapped her cooking. I took her and the kids out to eat nearly everyday, and bought lots of groceries that either didn't require cooking, or were easy to cook. I knew in advance she didn't like to cook much, and was prepared for that. I suppose in your eyes it makes me an abuser to buy my family a nice home and land, work for a living, and provide all of their primary needs. I never forced her to do anything around the house. If she did it, she did it; if she didn't, she didn't. I know I'm not perfect, but reflecting on my choices as a whole, I was taking my entire family into consideration in order to survive financially. Love, and treating or being treated like an equal partner works both ways. Unfortunately, I misinterpreted her emotions which were bringing out the poor behavior in her, and that was where I failed her the most. If you read through some of my other posts, you'll see how well I've recognized that fact.

I also took her many, many places constantly keeping her out of the house as often as physically possible within the restraints of my schedule. Maybe that wasn't good enough, but I did make the effort--even when I would be normally completely exhausted.

If you are incapable of realizing that the "snare" was in YOUR home then I don't see much hope for you. I do hope you get at a minimum penalized and that there is some path in the legal system to make this right for her.

I have clearly recognized all of my faults throughout the previous six pages of this thread. Feel free to read them. I understand we had lots of issues, and we've both been punished enough as it is. What would you prefer: I get charged as a criminal, lose my job, children, home, and then go live in a ditch? Seriously, think about your responses. You're talking to a man who has full custody of both his children, doesn't curse or beat his wife and kids, has a decent job, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, goes to church, and even helps his mother out in a time of need. Those are just the basics, and I am thankful to God for giving me the grace to be that kind of man. Not perfect, but at least a man.

Think of how many women cannot claim to have all of the above from an ordinary man? My mother and myself were victims of a terrible man while I was growing up--one who cheated, beat us, cursed us, fell over drunk, did drugs, and starved us. Unfortunately, my mother didn't make matters any better back then by participating in some of his activities along with him--though she's fully changed from that now. When she left after their divorce, I didn't see her for another 8 years, and I ended up living with neighbors most of the time. I earned an early independence and swore I would never be anything like my father when I grew up. Such has been my life's endeavor. Unfortuntely, I've never really known much about emotionalism or compassion as a result, and have always looked at all things practically and logically with analyzation.

Unfortunately, I just did not know or recognize my wife's emotional and psychological needs. I have accepted that, and am willing to sacrifice anything to show her that I have become aware of how she was hurting. People have counseled me on ways to be there for her, and meet the needs she's really desiring from our relationship. Physicaly and tangible provisions are great and all, but what she really needs is above and beyond that, and I have realized that these past two weeks.

Yep, you've made yourself into what appears under the law to be a stalker and EVERYTHING you/she says say will be monitored.

I am by no means a stalker. When I went out searching for my wife, I had no idea where she was or if she was even alive. The people who picked her up were some she found off the internet--and had never met before. What would you do? Sit at home and play Nintendo and pretend nothing was happening? I searched for my wife only to find out if she was OK--not to force her hand back home. I love her, and I will not in any wise intentionally control her.

Good. I hope you're half as terrified as this girl is alone, effectively illegal, with no options and nobody to turn to. May God make you pay for taking what was effectively a gift to you, a good wife, and value her as little as you did and toss her to the curb like garbage.

I certainly didn't toss my wife to the curb like garbage. I'll agree to many accusations made against me here, but certainly not that one. God has smote my heart quite well over everything. The more time I spend with God and His Word, the more things I realize I could have done differently. By the way, no offense, be careful when asking God to judge me according to my works--that's certainly not your place, unless of course you are a perfect person without any flaws or faults at all. I may not be as good a person as you, but we're both sinners in God's eyes, and that makes you ineligible to cast stones. Anyhow, I'm not offended, just offering a heads up.

"Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again" (Matthew 7:1-2).

Either way, thanks for your honest criticism. I enjoyed reading your opinions and challenges, and believe it or not, I had already beat myself up quite a bit over my own thoughts on some of these accounts.

Have you ever considered Adult Children of Alcoholics as a resource for your own behavior patterns? No matter how things work out with your marriage, you owe it to yourself to open your eyes to how much you are driven with the need to justify yourself to others and to control the outcomes around you. In the presence of others with the same handicapping situation, you may experience the healing in the way that God provides for it -- people helping people.

[Valsu 1]

PLEASE tell me I misread this............"positive experience driving your wife to the point of seeking help at a woman's shelter" would ease your mind?

Yeah, that's exactly what womens' shelters do, brainwash the people that stay in them. Seriously?

Read the documented evidence yourself in the links I provided.

Nonetheless, I'm sure I could rest at ease if some people shared positive experiences with these shelters.

I guess I'm just worrying too much, but when someone you love is gone in this manner, how is one supposed to feel when they read such articles?

Sure. You misread this.

If a woman gets help from a shelter that saves her marriage, or her life, etc., then I would count that a positive experience. I would love for people familiar with such to share their positive experiences within these shelters, and how they've seen lives change for the better.

Edited November 22, 2008 by Valsu

[Valsu 1]

Have you ever considered Adult Children of Alcoholics as a resource for your own behavior patterns? No matter how things work out with your marriage, you owe it to yourself to open your eyes to how much you are driven with the need to justify yourself to others and to control the outcomes around you. In the presence of others with the same handicapping situation, you may experience the healing in the way that God provides for it -- people helping people.

Actually, yes. Obviously there are reasons I didn't see how she was hurting, other than just being at work all of the time. Once researching PTSD, I concluded that I myself may very well be a victim of the same disorder as well from both my childhood and my previous marriage traumas.

I've already sought help for my situation to help me prepare for her return, and plan to continue receiving counseling a good while thereafter. I've also arranged marriage counseling for us as well.

[Old Dominion 26]

Have you ever considered Adult Children of Alcoholics as a resource for your own behavior patterns? No matter how things work out with your marriage, you owe it to yourself to open your eyes to how much you are driven with the need to justify yourself to others and to control the outcomes around you. In the presence of others with the same handicapping situation, you may experience the healing in the way that God provides for it -- people helping people.

Actually, yes. Obviously there are reasons I didn't see how she was hurting, other than just being at work all of the time. Once researching PTSD, I concluded that I myself may very well be a victim of the same disorder as well from both my childhood and my previous marriage traumas.

I've already sought help for my situation to help me prepare for her return, and plan to continue receiving counseling a good while thereafter. I've also arranged marriage counseling for us as well.

Good for you. It will help your kids, also, in the long run. They are the ones who can be hurt the most. God bless us all.

[Mary Lou 681]

Truth is, yes, things are looking up because my wife is safe and OK. She's healing, and I hope she's fully recovered before Thanksgiving. Her return home would be something worth being thankful for! I certainly don't want us to miss out on our opportunity to share our first Thanksgiving together.

I wasn't going to reply to this thread, but this caught my eye. You can't put a time frame on when or how long it will take your wife to "recover" as you put it. She just left you not long ago, Thanksgiving is next week. I hope you realize this could take months or even longer for her to get back to normal. There are ALOT of issues the two of you have to work out, and i do hope for your sake your marriage can be saved. Good Luck.

[Mary Lou 681]

Have you ever considered Adult Children of Alcoholics as a resource for your own behavior patterns? No matter how things work out with your marriage, you owe it to yourself to open your eyes to how much you are driven with the need to justify yourself to others and to control the outcomes around you. In the presence of others with the same handicapping situation, you may experience the healing in the way that God provides for it -- people helping people.

Actually, yes. Obviously there are reasons I didn't see how she was hurting, other than just being at work all of the time. Once researching PTSD, I concluded that I myself may very well be a victim of the same disorder as well from both my childhood and my previous marriage traumas.

I've already sought help for my situation to help me prepare for her return, and plan to continue receiving counseling a good while thereafter. I've also arranged marriage counseling for us as well.

Glad to read your getting help for yourself. Just a thought, she may not want to go to marriage counseling. It might make her feel ohhhhh lets all pick on (wifes name) I think it might be more helpful if she went and had some one on one with a counselor before the 2 fo you went. JMO

[maliciant 7]

I wasn't saying you had intentionally critisized her publicly, only that she may have perceived it that way as a result of misunderstanding something you said (possibly in an actual public setting). Don't gloss over the other issues like the AOS, just because of the PTSD issue, yes that may have been the biggest part of the problem but the AOS is no small matter either. You've stated reasons for not filing the AOS, financial and time, neither of which are very good reasons, especially beyond the first month or two (your wife most definitely had time early on, or after she started spending time alone in the bedroom etc, and financially the sooner the AOS the sooner her income can replace it, clearly you have access to credit).

[DARUMA07 25]

I would just like to say.... Good luck to your family. I hope that you can get things mended with your wife, so the whole family can get on with life... Life is too short and precious to let our mistakes control our Happiness. Forgive yourself and learn from all of this.... Give your wife the space that she needs right now and let her decide on her own what she wants to do. If it is meant to be, she will be back home. If not, then you and your kids will find a way to carry on with your lives.... Good luck to all 4 of you!

[Liam and Kara 6]

Sounds to me like you should probably get a few books on co-dependency - sounds as if you've terrified her - I doubt she was after a greencard - how was her sister in the USA?

[Valsu 1]

I wasn't saying you had intentionally critisized her publicly, only that she may have perceived it that way as a result of misunderstanding something you said (possibly in an actual public setting). Don't gloss over the other issues like the AOS, just because of the PTSD issue, yes that may have been the biggest part of the problem but the AOS is no small matter either. You've stated reasons for not filing the AOS, financial and time, neither of which are very good reasons, especially beyond the first month or two (your wife most definitely had time early on, or after she started spending time alone in the bedroom etc, and financially the sooner the AOS the sooner her income can replace it, clearly you have access to credit).

We were busy staying in a hotel/friend's house the first 2.5 months after the job transfer, and we finally moved into our new home after waiting for closing--which meant packing, moving and the long process of unpacking. We only had essentials on us, and I don't believe we even found the papers we'd use to file until about the 4th-5th month because they were still in packed boxes. Unfortunately, I do not have access to credit after buying the home. My debt-to-income ratio smacked me in the face right after I bought the home, and I couldn't even get approved to buy furniture that we wanted. We are seriously right on the very edge of our budget, and for me to spend $1000 on AOS would mean the difference of making a house payment, or groceries. Not to mention, it wasn't helping me much that she'd throw temper tantrums and yell at me about her EAD/AOS, either, while looking right at our bank account and bills. I know it meant a lot to her, but at the time, it just made me suspicious of her because of the way she went about it.

Nonetheless, I'm not glossing over the AOS issue at all. I stated in a previous response that I've already made preparations for the AOS financially by getting my home lender to defer our payments after reviewing our budget--allowing me to accumulate a quick savings. I've made all preparations on my end for her. Now, the ball in just in her court, and I'm waiting.

Edited November 22, 2008 by Valsu

[sereia 0]

Wow, what a story! I wish you the best and your wife returns home on her way to recovery...and ready to start over with you! I hope she's learning good things in the shelter, you're continuing your counseling, and you two can have a new beginning. Its not easy but if you both love each other, its worth trying again!

I don't agree with the poster who called you a "stalker". Give me a break! If my husband walked out like that, YOU BET I would be doing exactly what the OP did. Any husband or wife who loves their SO should imho. Sheesh!

I suggest continuing with counseling, send the letter to the shelter that you love her and want her back (not 1000 letters, but definitely I would send one), and I would also document situations and speak to a lawyer in case she does try anything against you claiming abuse or what not. I know you are deeply in love and it doesn't seem like she's using you to me either but you can never be 100% and you can not be sure of what she's being fed from other people. You have to think about your children and their protection as well. I think you are making steps in the right direction. I really hope that this story has a happy ending!

[Liam and Kara 6]

It sounds to me like your marriage has been dysfunctional from the start. You appear to have a very type (A) personality which can drive someone the opposite completely insane. Have you tried reading any (co-dependent no more) books? I seriously doubt that your wife was only after a greencard during the beginning of the relationship--how did her sister get to the USA?

[Valsu 1]

I only got to read your post, based on that, your wife fell into emotional/psychological breakdown., it can be posttraumatic stress disorder. The miscarriage took a great toll on her, she has expressed her much desire on it, and she was not able to resolve this issue with you. Then came the AOS/EAD issue, she has masteral degrees,and I presume she used to have a good job here in Phil. It can be very frustrating to someone who is intelligent, with good credentials, spent a lot of time, money and effort obtaining the masteral degrees, and being competitive with her work and despite of it she ended up staying 24 hours a day at home for 10 months doing nothing except do thehousehold chores. with no one to talk to for several hours.

She felt useless, she stopped being productive as she used to. To make matters worse was her relationship with your mother. Things were not doing good on her in just a matter of 10 months. I understand her frustrations. It all boils down to, she was/is emotionally/mentally burned out. She got paranoid, depressed, frustrated, didn't care anymore, etc. In my point of view she was not able to handle all of the stressors well. Not because she is not mature enough, but because it was too much for her psychological health. This is not fraud.

Right now, she was able to find solitude somewhere and break free from the prison she think she was. She felt suffocated. she needed to breathe fresh air. Let her have this time to be alone. For her to find her own self again. Be what she was before. To pick up the pieces again. If she is taking medication, then that's good. I don't know how much time you have to give her but she needs this time to be well again, be the person she used to be. Pray she will get well soon and find strength. Then when she is ready(i don't know when), talk to her, ask what she wants, listen to her needs, resolve the issues. She loves you but it was too much for her to handle. One problem on top of the another crashed on her. She is torn.

While waiting for her, solve the issue with your mother now. Find a place for her to move. So when you talk to your wife again, you can persuade her to come back home since your mom is not there anymore. She will be encouraged to do so. Send the papers for her AOS/EAD soon as you can, pay for the fees. This is important to her. When you talk to her you can tell her it's in the process already, that will be a good sign for her. It will be a hard process for both of you. If you are willing to do everything for her, to win her back start doing something to solve these major issues and stop being paranoid on this shelter.

FIX the major problems NOW. Give TIME for your wife to be WHOLE again. Little by little, with your wife, pick up the small pieces together again.

Good luck!

Thank you. You've basically summarized the full situation and plan. Very sound advice, and I appreciate the depth at which you go to explain her potential feelings. I want to help her put those pieces back together. I miss my mahal.