True Love or "Abuse" Fraud? (Long Story)

[sara..... 371]

hmmm u know i have been thinking about ur situation.....there could be some problems because of english.......english is not my first language........and i know many times i feel hurt or uncomfortable because someone has said something that i take literally......it could be that some of the problem is ur wife would hear something and not fully understand what was meant by it and is one reason the change in how she felt about ur mom........well there are many reasons as i outlined before......but sometime people forget just because we can speak english and can function in english it does not mean that we always get the true meaning of something

[Valsu 1]

hmmm u know i have been thinking about ur situation.....there could be some problems because of english.......english is not my first language........and i know many times i feel hurt or uncomfortable because someone has said something that i take literally......it could be that some of the problem is ur wife would hear something and not fully understand what was meant by it and is one reason the change in how she felt about ur mom........well there are many reasons as i outlined before......but sometime people forget just because we can speak english and can function in english it does not mean that we always get the true meaning of something

Yes, this is VERY true! I, especially, overestimated her English capacity. She is an English Teacher by profession, and taught other countries she traveled in to speak English--such as in China and Hong Kong, etc. She speaks very fluently, and only has an accent.

With that said, however, she takes all English literal, and Tagalog with emotion.

Our primary misunderstandings were usually always generated because I would say something in jest or slang that she took literal, and she'd blow up at me.

For example, she made me a Filipino dish one night (lumpia), and then asked me if it was good. I told her, "No, honey, it's not good. It's great!" Would you know she got mad at me because I said, "It's not good," and no matter how many ways I tried to explain it to her what I meant when I said it was great instead, she insisted that I didn't like the food, and only ate it to win my argument.

She would never believe me when I told her that something said had a different meaning than how she interpreted it. I begged her to just communicate with me if there was something she didn't understand, because I wouldn't just be out to hurt her with words for no reason at all. So if she felt that way, she needed to ask me what I meant about something, so I could explain it. Did she ever? Just once--that's it. Would you know the one time she did ask, and I explained, we didn't argue?

Oh, the irony!

[trailmix 77]

I read your whole story.

I'm not even going to pretend that I have any advice for you where your wife is concerned.

However, I would like you to take a moment to ask yourself something. Have you considered what your behaviour is doing to your children? Why are you 'crying and praying' with them every night?

While there is absolutely nothing wrong with praying with your children - why are you crying with them? Do you have any idea what this is doing to them?

You are the adult here - I have no idea how old your kiddies are, but I assume quite young since they need someone to walk them to and from the bus. Regardless of what you are feeling, you are their rock and their security and they are not emotionally mature enough to understand what is going on here.

Just my opinion but I hope for their sake that you will consider it.

Edited November 21, 2008 by trailmix

[Valsu 1]

I read your whole story.

I'm not even going to pretend that I have any advice for you where your wife is concerned.

However, I would like you to take a moment to ask yourself something. Have you considered what your behaviour is doing to your children? Why are you 'crying and praying' with them every night?

While there is absolutely nothing wrong with praying with your children - why are you crying with them? Do you have any idea what this is doing to them?

You are the adult here - I have no idea how old your kiddies are, but I assume quite young since they need someone to walk them to and from the bus. Regardless of what you are feeling, you are their rock and their security and they are not emotionally mature enough to understand what is going on here.

Just my opinion but I hope for their sake that you will consider it.

You know, I use to think the same way you do, until this situation happened to me.

My children are 9 (boy) and 6 (girl). Children are more resilient than you give them credit for. Do you have any children? There is nothing wrong with letting your children see you cry, and I do not plan to instill any form of emotionlessness on them.

What heartless parent could watch both of their children crying, and not begin to cry him/herself? Every time I see them shed a tear, it breaks my heart too.

You may view tears as a weakness, but indeed they are strength.

The Bible clearly states, "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him" (Psalms 126:5-6); and also, "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep" (Romans 12:15).

I also find this a great time for me to experience my emotional side, so I can be prepared to reach my wife emotionally as well when she comes home. Beware, I just might cry in front of her too!

[himher 634]

It seems these Shelters trap poor women

"Trapped" is living in a country out of status with no options, no ID, and no legal place in the community - where if you try to go home you are banned from ever returning. Women from other countries get brought here and get trapped cooking, cleaning, and servicing men ALL THE TIME. Welcome to that club of abusers, and yes that's what you effectively are, I hope you are proud of yourself. "LOVE" isn't a bunch of words on the internet. "LOVE" is putting your wife on a pedestal of equality and treating her like a partner, not a utility. Why is your wife out of status? Because of you and your inability to man up and meet your responsibilities for 10 MONTHS. Your words about "willing to do anything?". Words are as cheap as a courthouse wedding and a series of broken promises and commitments to the one you supposedly love.

I knew something was fishy about this situation.

She figured that out as well. Smart girl.

There's no telling what they are changing my woman in to this very moment, and how she may react--if she ever does get out of the snare she's placed herself in.

If you are incapable of realizing that the "snare" was in YOUR home then I don't see much hope for you. I do hope you get at a minimum penalized and that there is some path in the legal system to make this right for her.

I can almost bet that they're bribing her "being out of status" as a method to keep her from coming home to me--threatening to deport her if she doesn't "accept the program."

See above. Wives whose husbands "man up" aren't out of status in the first place are they? Being "out of status" seems to be the reason she isn't at home

Her sister felt as thought her phone conversation was being monitored the whole time, and she couldn't say what she wanted to say.

Yep, you've made yourself into what appears under the law to be a stalker and EVERYTHING you/she says say will be monitored.

Folks, I am terrified now. May God truly be with us during this shelter snare.

Good. I hope you're half as terrified as this girl is alone, effectively illegal, with no options and nobody to turn to. May God make you pay for taking what was effectively a gift to you, a good wife, and value her as little as you did and toss her to the curb like garbage.

Oh my heavens, I have found out terrible things about Shelter Homes I did not know about before.

Feel free to read the many articles found here: http://www.ejfi.org/DV/dv-54.htm#barnstable

For a listing of the topics:

http://www.ejfi.org/DV/dv-44.htm#pgfId-998197

It seems these Shelters trap poor women, and force them to stay for funding using intimidtion, threats, and brainwashing methods.

Maybe my baby wants to come home, but they are threatening her in some way?

I knew something was fishy about this situation. I imagine they've been talking with her and turning her against me all along--especially after reading many of the stories women are telling about how the shelters ruined their marriages and previous husbands lives.

I thought for sure they'd advise her on how to repair her marriage, but from the looks of it, these places are very far from anything of that nature.

There's no telling what they are changing my woman in to this very moment, and how she may react--if she ever does get out of the snare she's placed herself in.

I can almost bet that they're bribing her "being out of status" as a method to keep her from coming home to me--threatening to deport her if she doesn't "accept the program."

Her sister felt as thought her phone conversation was being monitored the whole time, and she couldn't say what she wanted to say.

Folks, I am terrified now. May God truly be with us during this shelter snare.

[himher 634]

PLEASE tell me I misread this............"positive experience driving your wife to the point of seeking help at a woman's shelter" would ease your mind?

Yeah, that's exactly what womens' shelters do, brainwash the people that stay in them. Seriously?

Read the documented evidence yourself in the links I provided.

Nonetheless, I'm sure I could rest at ease if some people shared positive experiences with these shelters.

I guess I'm just worrying too much, but when someone you love is gone in this manner, how is one supposed to feel when they read such articles?

[maliciant 7]

Seems like things may be looking up (regarding the post about your wife contacting her sister), that's good, but on a second note... yikes, the crazies have come out in full force to post!

I don't know a lot about these kinds of shelters and haven't done the research you have, but I'd expect her to remain there for as much as a month, I imagine these places are run similar to a rehab, they want to adjust your lifestyle for a long enough period for it to be a habit so to speak. Odds are very high that phone calls will be monitored, the job of the shelter is to protect women from abusive manipulative husbands, to them every sweet talking man promising to do better if only she'll return is potentially just a typical two faced abusive a-hole, they can't really take those chances.

As far as the nightmare horror stories you read about shelters, it's the internet, a couple of things apply, horror stories make more interesting news, news sites tend to get listed at the top, and once you read one horror story you probably started searching for more information trying to verify if that's really how bad it is, in turn you started digging for horror stories. No one reports on shelters doing their jobs right, and even if they do, those aren't the stories people will talk about and spread around. Without a doubt most shelters are probably run with a high degree of professionalism, this doesn't mean that they don't have some major issues, and that they aren't a business out to make money or at least cover the costs of the services they provide. The things they must do to help the truly abused women out there probably won't paint a pretty picture of you and really may be harmful to your marriage, but for the women who really are in a cycle of returning to abusive husbands, it's absolutely the minimum they need to do to prevent the problem.

Something to keep in mind is that people in the philippines do not like public criticism, especially from spouses, with your mother at home anything perceived as criticism may have been humiliating to your wife.

All that being said, hopefully you get a second chance here.

[jamesNrei 0]

I only got to read your post, based on that, your wife fell into emotional/psychological breakdown., it can be posttraumatic stress disorder. The miscarriage took a great toll on her, she has expressed her much desire on it, and she was not able to resolve this issue with you. Then came the AOS/EAD issue, she has masteral degrees,and I presume she used to have a good job here in Phil. It can be very frustrating to someone who is intelligent, with good credentials, spent a lot of time, money and effort obtaining the masteral degrees, and being competitive with her work and despite of it she ended up staying 24 hours a day at home for 10 months doing nothing except do thehousehold chores. with no one to talk to for several hours.

She felt useless, she stopped being productive as she used to. To make matters worse was her relationship with your mother. Things were not doing good on her in just a matter of 10 months. I understand her frustrations. It all boils down to, she was/is emotionally/mentally burned out. She got paranoid, depressed, frustrated, didn't care anymore, etc. In my point of view she was not able to handle all of the stressors well. Not because she is not mature enough, but because it was too much for her psychological health. This is not fraud.

Right now, she was able to find solitude somewhere and break free from the prison she think she was. She felt suffocated. she needed to breathe fresh air. Let her have this time to be alone. For her to find her own self again. Be what she was before. To pick up the pieces again. If she is taking medication, then that's good. I don't know how much time you have to give her but she needs this time to be well again, be the person she used to be. Pray she will get well soon and find strength. Then when she is ready(i don't know when), talk to her, ask what she wants, listen to her needs, resolve the issues. She loves you but it was too much for her to handle. One problem on top of the another crashed on her. She is torn.

While waiting for her, solve the issue with your mother now. Find a place for her to move. So when you talk to your wife again, you can persuade her to come back home since your mom is not there anymore. She will be encouraged to do so. Send the papers for her AOS/EAD soon as you can, pay for the fees. This is important to her. When you talk to her you can tell her it's in the process already, that will be a good sign for her. It will be a hard process for both of you. If you are willing to do everything for her, to win her back start doing something to solve these major issues and stop being paranoid on this shelter.

FIX the major problems NOW. Give TIME for your wife to be WHOLE again. Little by little, with your wife, pick up the small pieces together again.

Good luck!

Edited November 21, 2008 by jamesNrei

[bhajishah 4]

You know me lil brother I just lay it out how i see it..God says there will always be some emnity between sexes.. Ie love basically stinks, but being without family now that is worse. fulfilling our obligations and helping others on this earth that is our test in this life. Which by the way you do v well. So who cares what pay pay nay nay thinks or says. always. Im not soo shocked. sounds like you took the gamble and lost. Given that thier is some discord with "love" there is even more added discord with us on VJ because of the cultural clash thing, sure we are shown the sig other world and we participate, but we never can really understand what it is to be in your case Fillipino. But both of you have to understand this fact, why she wanted you to be her savior that is her first downfall.. granted You are on a clear higher critical level of thinking than she, and that helped the situation from not igniting a longgg time ago. that is clear to all. Is it Love?? I think that it very much is LOVE in her mind, other wise she would not be sooo distraught .. really. she is v crazy thinking and reacting...and she wants eveeryone around to be co dependant. Why you would want that in your life, and kids beyond me, its your choice how much you can handle or deal with. Time will tell though because once she clears the hurdles of her mind and comes back to you thats another. she could turn to alcohol and drugs, or bad bull shitzing men. again not your doing her choice in life. Im sure someday that your ex will end up self destruction realizing what mistakes she has made. Bottom line .. quit torturing yourself. Focus on the kids and your duty of taking care of mother. after sometime file the abandonment divorce.. Move on in life, get in game again or just wait til kids are grown and find another life companion. See you in the VJ retirement home in some yrs.. ALLAH HAFIZ

PS prayer for your torment both internal and external to subside, Inshallah

[trailmix 77]

I read your whole story.

I'm not even going to pretend that I have any advice for you where your wife is concerned.

However, I would like you to take a moment to ask yourself something. Have you considered what your behaviour is doing to your children? Why are you 'crying and praying' with them every night?

While there is absolutely nothing wrong with praying with your children - why are you crying with them? Do you have any idea what this is doing to them?

You are the adult here - I have no idea how old your kiddies are, but I assume quite young since they need someone to walk them to and from the bus. Regardless of what you are feeling, you are their rock and their security and they are not emotionally mature enough to understand what is going on here.

Just my opinion but I hope for their sake that you will consider it.

You know, I use to think the same way you do, until this situation happened to me.

My children are 9 (boy) and 6 (girl). Children are more resilient than you give them credit for. Do you have any children? There is nothing wrong with letting your children see you cry, and I do not plan to instill any form of emotionlessness on them.

What heartless parent could watch both of their children crying, and not begin to cry him/herself? Every time I see them shed a tear, it breaks my heart too.

You may view tears as a weakness, but indeed they are strength.

The Bible clearly states, "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him" (Psalms 126:5-6); and also, "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep" (Romans 12:15).

I also find this a great time for me to experience my emotional side, so I can be prepared to reach my wife emotionally as well when she comes home. Beware, I just might cry in front of her too!

Yes I have a child and of course he has seen me cry - that was not my point. I was not suggesting that crying is a sign of weakness - most people cry at some point or another.

They may miss her - yes - but are they also not perhaps scared? insecure? worried? Most of those feelings can be related back to you - are they scared that their Father seems to be falling apart? Insecure because their parent is not there for them to lean on - worried that perhaps, what may formerly have been, their very secure loving environment may not be again?

You read what I had to say and just assumed that what I was saying was all about you.

I was talking about your children.

[bhajishah 4]

Trail Mix is right, the father must maintain strength and stability in the house. Your kids are not your friends to lean on. They will lose faith in GOd to take care of all if you show doubt yourself.then what will they turn to Gayism?? And only turn the other cheek if she comes back and has Proven that she has gotten a grip on herself. Otherwise you be on that wild ride again with kids as the passengers. grow a set!!

[Ms.Nana 0]

Ok... i was going to tell my long story too but then i changed my mind.. so i will just say that reading your story brang tears to my eyes like some of the people that read it....

i will just say my points..

I love my husband and believe in being with him no matter what...

He has 2 kids girl 14 and boy 11...they live with her mother..

He told me when he had months dating that he didn't want to have any more kids and as i didn't decided if i really wanted to.. he did the vasectomy..

We are now married and did a Prenup where i renounced to my rights as a wife so i won't get anything if we get divorce and everything we get is the separate property of each one byt tittle.... i guess he loves me but it is hard for him knowing that i'm in my 20's he is 40 and i havent had kids and i can change my mind about everything.. even that is not what i want and I really love him...So i'm a pretty fair person and i understood him and never ever want his money even he is not rich... So even with all this i decided to do everything come here with him and marry him.... We did it at the last time...and waited to live together for weeks to see if i was really comfortable and happy here and sure to marry and stay with him...

It was not easy...we had some argues at the beggining... like normal couples....you can expect that and we knew we were going to have them... the right thing is to learn how to deal with them and never let them become something really bad that can damage the relationship.. so we did and here i am, so happy to be with him, happy to have learnt to manage a lot of situations,, to have learnt a lot from each other that nowadays we rarely have an argue... we know the way each other is and respect and make anything to solve any problem...

But i have to say that my step-kids are not the way i was hoping... and you are so lucky to have those good kids... the thing is that the girl one day came to home while my husband wasn't and brang friends and they smoke drugs... so i told him and he obviously told her even i asked him not to because I knew this would be bad for our relationship but he did and yes.. i don't talk with her but i guess she hates me now..

and the boy is a good kid but have never felt confidence with me.. we have played and talk but he became distant with what happened with his sister.. then i heard she told him lies about me and I don't really know what he thinks about me... he comes every weekend and we spend time but distant..

i have felt sometimes jealous about them.. when my husband gives them attention.... i don't know why for sure..i would say maybe becuase i didn't have a good father or because they haven't been as lovely as i expected... i really really wanted to be like a second mom.... knowing that i won't have kids, i really wished things were like yours... i wish i could make them breakfast and take them out, buy them things, and have the best of the relationships... i know they are not mine and i guess the don't act like yours becuse they do have a mom near them...but i just wanted to be someone good for them too and that they looked at me as someone they love... anyways.. things haven't been that way... and here we are everything is good and i really hope that with the time they change... maybe it is not enough time..

So i just wanted to say that if you really are the person we can read... you seem to be a really nice man and your wife should be the one lucky too.. i don't really know or can say what is wrong with her... maybe it is not a fraud and it is something due to all what happened,, it is not easy to leave a country that is for sure and we womans become really sensitive and need lots of attention... i know i do...but i have learnt to be stronger and I love my husband so I can't say i have been depressed..... maybe just sad for one or 2 days..

I hope that everything Goes the way you wish and you can bring back your relationship, if she really loves you and wants to be back, maybe it is a depression and she needs time, maybe not, maybe she really loved you but with all what happened things changed and we can't take back what we already did like if you didn't understand her since the beggining,but i don't think anyone here can tell,,, just her....ANd maybe and the best thing i hope is that she will come back to you and things will be better...

But don't worry man.... whatever may happen...I'm sure you will find out a way out and a way to be happy again....I hope you do...

the only thing has no solution in this world is death... An life is so short and precious that it has no point to be sad a depressed wasting years weeks day or hours...

My best wishes for you....Let's think positive and that you will sort all out!

[Old Dominion 26]

Regard your wife as being in a rehabilitation program, and when it is the right season to do so, she will emerge from it on her own. She is your equal under God. Be generous with your thoughts and actions toward her, let 2 Corinthians 6 be your new standard, and all will be well.

[Valsu 1]

"Trapped" is living in a country out of status with no options, no ID, and no legal place in the community - where if you try to go home you are banned from ever returning. Women from other countries get brought here and get trapped cooking, cleaning, and servicing men ALL THE TIME. Welcome to that club of abusers, and yes that's what you effectively are, I hope you are proud of yourself. "LOVE" isn't a bunch of words on the internet. "LOVE" is putting your wife on a pedestal of equality and treating her like a partner, not a utility. Why is your wife out of status? Because of you and your inability to man up and meet your responsibilities for 10 MONTHS. Your words about "willing to do anything?". Words are as cheap as a courthouse wedding and a series of broken promises and commitments to the one you supposedly love.

First of all, allow me to set a record straight for you on a few things. Our "courthouse" wedding was equally agreed upon. We did not want to rush a wedding ceremony because we were in the middle of me changing jobs, moving to a new city, etc. We both agreed to have our church wedding 1 yr from the date of our actual marriage--a renewal if you will--so we'd actually have some friends to attend it. Not to mention, we held a "non-binding" ceremony in the Philippines already just to go through those motions in advance, and at least enjoy the practice and concept of it in preparation for the real thing. We want to plan for a great ceremony--not some mediocre ####### thrown together with no attendants.

Also, I explained why she is still out of status quite clearly. Some things are unavoidable, and surgery is one of them. I never trapped her cooking. I took her and the kids out to eat nearly everyday, and bought lots of groceries that either didn't require cooking, or were easy to cook. I knew in advance she didn't like to cook much, and was prepared for that. I suppose in your eyes it makes me an abuser to buy my family a nice home and land, work for a living, and provide all of their primary needs. I never forced her to do anything around the house. If she did it, she did it; if she didn't, she didn't. I know I'm not perfect, but reflecting on my choices as a whole, I was taking my entire family into consideration in order to survive financially. Love, and treating or being treated like an equal partner works both ways. Unfortunately, I misinterpreted her emotions which were bringing out the poor behavior in her, and that was where I failed her the most. If you read through some of my other posts, you'll see how well I've recognized that fact.

I also took her many, many places constantly keeping her out of the house as often as physically possible within the restraints of my schedule. Maybe that wasn't good enough, but I did make the effort--even when I would be normally completely exhausted.

If you are incapable of realizing that the "snare" was in YOUR home then I don't see much hope for you. I do hope you get at a minimum penalized and that there is some path in the legal system to make this right for her.

I have clearly recognized all of my faults throughout the previous six pages of this thread. Feel free to read them. I understand we had lots of issues, and we've both been punished enough as it is. What would you prefer: I get charged as a criminal, lose my job, children, home, and then go live in a ditch? Seriously, think about your responses. You're talking to a man who has full custody of both his children, doesn't curse or beat his wife and kids, has a decent job, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, goes to church, and even helps his mother out in a time of need. Those are just the basics, and I am thankful to God for giving me the grace to be that kind of man. Not perfect, but at least a man.

Think of how many women cannot claim to have all of the above from an ordinary man? My mother and myself were victims of a terrible man while I was growing up--one who cheated, beat us, cursed us, fell over drunk, did drugs, and starved us. Unfortunately, my mother didn't make matters any better back then by participating in some of his activities along with him--though she's fully changed from that now. When she left after their divorce, I didn't see her for another 8 years, and I ended up living with neighbors most of the time. I earned an early independence and swore I would never be anything like my father when I grew up. Such has been my life's endeavor. Unfortuntely, I've never really known much about emotionalism or compassion as a result, and have always looked at all things practically and logically with analyzation.

Unfortunately, I just did not know or recognize my wife's emotional and psychological needs. I have accepted that, and am willing to sacrifice anything to show her that I have become aware of how she was hurting. People have counseled me on ways to be there for her, and meet the needs she's really desiring from our relationship. Physicaly and tangible provisions are great and all, but what she really needs is above and beyond that, and I have realized that these past two weeks.

Yep, you've made yourself into what appears under the law to be a stalker and EVERYTHING you/she says say will be monitored.

I am by no means a stalker. When I went out searching for my wife, I had no idea where she was or if she was even alive. The people who picked her up were some she found off the internet--and had never met before. What would you do? Sit at home and play Nintendo and pretend nothing was happening? I searched for my wife only to find out if she was OK--not to force her hand back home. I love her, and I will not in any wise intentionally control her.

Good. I hope you're half as terrified as this girl is alone, effectively illegal, with no options and nobody to turn to. May God make you pay for taking what was effectively a gift to you, a good wife, and value her as little as you did and toss her to the curb like garbage.

I certainly didn't toss my wife to the curb like garbage. I'll agree to many accusations made against me here, but certainly not that one. God has smote my heart quite well over everything. The more time I spend with God and His Word, the more things I realize I could have done differently. By the way, no offense, be careful when asking God to judge me according to my works--that's certainly not your place, unless of course you are a perfect person without any flaws or faults at all. I may not be as good a person as you, but we're both sinners in God's eyes, and that makes you ineligible to cast stones. Anyhow, I'm not offended, just offering a heads up.

"Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again" (Matthew 7:1-2).

Either way, thanks for your honest criticism. I enjoyed reading your opinions and challenges, and believe it or not, I had already beat myself up quite a bit over my own thoughts on some of these accounts.

Edited November 22, 2008 by Valsu

[himher 634]

More cheap words. I sort of look at things as outcome based and regretfully your outcome doesn't support your exalted view of yourself. As I don't personally know you, I am in no position to judge you. I do know the classic signs of an abusive marriage (from an immigration standpoint) and nominate you as "poster boy for south asian servitude". The fact that controlling, manipulative situations statistically start during childhood only bolsters my initial impression of this one.

Thank you for asking what I prefer to see happen. My answer is - I don't care. Have a good weekend!

"Trapped" is living in a country out of status with no options, no ID, and no legal place in the community - where if you try to go home you are banned from ever returning. Women from other countries get brought here and get trapped cooking, cleaning, and servicing men ALL THE TIME. Welcome to that club of abusers, and yes that's what you effectively are, I hope you are proud of yourself. "LOVE" isn't a bunch of words on the internet. "LOVE" is putting your wife on a pedestal of equality and treating her like a partner, not a utility. Why is your wife out of status? Because of you and your inability to man up and meet your responsibilities for 10 MONTHS. Your words about "willing to do anything?". Words are as cheap as a courthouse wedding and a series of broken promises and commitments to the one you supposedly love.

First of all, allow me to set a record straight for you on a few things. Our "courthouse" wedding was equally agreed upon. We did not want to rush a wedding ceremony because we were in the middle of me changing jobs, moving to a new city, etc. We both agreed to have our church wedding 1 yr from the date of our actual marriage--a renewal if you will--so we'd actually have some friends to attend it. Not to mention, we held a "non-binding" ceremony in the Philippines already just to go through those motions in advance, and at least enjoy the practice and concept of it in preparation for the real thing. We want to plan for a great ceremony--not some mediocre ####### thrown together with no attendants.

Also, I explained why she is still out of status quite clearly. Some things are unavoidable, and surgery is one of them. I never trapped her cooking. I took her and the kids out to eat nearly everyday, and bought lots of groceries that either didn't require cooking, or were easy to cook. I knew in advance she didn't like to cook much, and was prepared for that. I suppose in your eyes it makes me an abuser to buy my family a nice home and land, work for a living, and provide all of their primary needs. I never forced her to do anything around the house. If she did it, she did it; if she didn't, she didn't. I know I'm not perfect, but reflecting on my choices as a whole, I was taking my entire family into consideration in order to survive financially. Love, and treating or being treated like an equal partner works both ways. Unfortunately, I misinterpreted her emotions which were bringing out the poor behavior in her, and that was where I failed her the most. If you read through some of my other posts, you'll see how well I've recognized that fact.

I also took her many, many places constantly keeping her out of the house as often as physically possible within the restraints of my schedule. Maybe that wasn't good enough, but I did make the effort--even when I would be normally completely exhausted.

If you are incapable of realizing that the "snare" was in YOUR home then I don't see much hope for you. I do hope you get at a minimum penalized and that there is some path in the legal system to make this right for her.

I have clearly recognized all of my faults throughout the previous six pages of this thread. Feel free to read them. I understand we had lots of issues, and we've both been punished enough as it is. What would you prefer: I get charged as a criminal, lose my job, children, home, and then go live in a ditch? Seriously, think about your responses. You're talking to a man who has full custody of both his children, doesn't curse or beat his wife and kids, has a decent job, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, goes to church, and even helps his mother out in a time of need. Those are just the basics, and I am thankful to God for giving me the grace to be that kind of man. Not perfect, but at least a man.

Think of how many women cannot claim to have all of the above from an ordinary man? My mother and myself were victims of a terrible man while I was growing up--one who cheated, beat us, cursed us, fell over drunk, did drugs, and starved us. Unfortunately, my mother didn't make matters any better back then by participating in some of his activities along with him--though she's fully changed from that now. When she left after their divorce, I didn't see her for another 8 years, and I ended up living with neighbors most of the time. I earned an early independence and swore I would never be anything like my father when I grew up. Such has been my life's endeavor. Unfortuntely, I've never really known much about emotionalism or compassion as a result, and have always looked at all things practically and logically with analyzation.

Unfortunately, I just did not know or recognize my wife's emotional and psychological needs. I have accepted that, and am willing to sacrifice anything to show her that I have become aware of how she was hurting. People have counseled me on ways to be there for her, and meet the needs she's really desiring from our relationship. Physicaly and tangible provisions are great and all, but what she really needs is above and beyond that, and I have realized that these past two weeks.

Yep, you've made yourself into what appears under the law to be a stalker and EVERYTHING you/she says say will be monitored.

I am by no means a stalker. When I went out searching for my wife, I had no idea where she was or if she was even alive. The people who picked her up were some she found off the internet--and had never met before. What would you do? Sit at home and play Nintendo and pretend nothing was happening? I searched for my wife only to find out if she was OK--not to force her hand back home. I love her, and I will not in any wise intentionally control her.

Good. I hope you're half as terrified as this girl is alone, effectively illegal, with no options and nobody to turn to. May God make you pay for taking what was effectively a gift to you, a good wife, and value her as little as you did and toss her to the curb like garbage.

I certainly didn't toss my wife to the curb like garbage. I'll agree to many accusations made against me here, but certainly not that one. God has smote my heart quite well over everything. The more time I spend with God and His Word, the more things I realize I could have done differently. By the way, no offense, be careful when asking God to judge me according to my works--that's certainly not your place, unless of course you are a perfect person without any flaws or faults at all. I may not be as good a person as you, but we're both sinners in God's eyes, and that makes you ineligible to cast stones. Anyhow, I'm not offended, just offering a heads up.

"Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again" (Matthew 7:1-2).

Either way, thanks for your honest criticism. I enjoyed reading your opinions and challenges, and believe it or not, I had already beat myself up quite a bit over my own thoughts on some of these accounts.