True Love or "Abuse" Fraud? (Long Story)

[FCH 1]

this is sad...

in my opinion i think your wife knows who much you love soooooo much and is taking advantage of it. thats more drama than days of our lives right there. i was reading it and catching my breath at the same time.

as for fraud, i can not tell.

but feeling-wise, your wife seems to not care so much about how every one in the family feels. she probably wants to be the star of the show. then relapses and things are okay then later on, explodes. i see a cycle. but who am i to judge?

i hope things get better and if you do decide end things, i pray you find someone you deserve.

you are a loving and very unselfish person which is one of the best qualities a person can have. i hope you find someone who deserves your love.

but if you do work it out and stay together, please seek medical help for her. marriage is a two-way street. not hers all the time.

good luck. God bless you.

[vietnamAmerica 0]

U r great son, father and husband, but what about if now she did not love you no more. To me, with love , people can over come everything. without love, everything is bothered some. God bless you.

[Valsu 1]

Oh my heavens, I have found out terrible things about Shelter Homes I did not know about before.

Feel free to read the many articles found here: http://www.ejfi.org/DV/dv-54.htm#barnstable

For a listing of the topics:

http://www.ejfi.org/DV/dv-44.htm#pgfId-998197

It seems these Shelters trap poor women, and force them to stay for funding using intimidtion, threats, and brainwashing methods.

Maybe my baby wants to come home, but they are threatening her in some way?

I knew something was fishy about this situation. I imagine they've been talking with her and turning her against me all along--especially after reading many of the stories women are telling about how the shelters ruined their marriages and previous husbands lives.

I thought for sure they'd advise her on how to repair her marriage, but from the looks of it, these places are very far from anything of that nature.

There's no telling what they are changing my woman in to this very moment, and how she may react--if she ever does get out of the snare she's placed herself in.

I can almost bet that they're bribing her "being out of status" as a method to keep her from coming home to me--threatening to deport her if she doesn't "accept the program."

Her sister felt as thought her phone conversation was being monitored the whole time, and she couldn't say what she wanted to say.

Folks, I am terrified now. May God truly be with us during this shelter snare.

Edited November 21, 2008 by Valsu

[XxDnMxX 0]

hello,

My heart goes out for you...she liked you for the papers...

you said it yourself "When someone just abandons you, for any reason, it brings you to question their sincerity."

[Cassie 8]

It seems these Shelters trap poor women, and force them to stay for funding using intimidtion, threats, and brainwashing methods.

Maybe my baby wants to come home, but they are threatening her in some way?

I knew something was fishy about this situation. I imagine they've been talking with her and turning her against me all along--especially after reading many of the stories women are telling about how the shelters ruined their marriages and previous husbands lives.

I thought for sure they'd advise her on how to repair her marriage, but from the looks of it, these places are very far from anything of that nature.

There's no telling what they are changing my woman in to this very moment, and how she may react--if she ever does get out of the snare she's placed herself in.

I can almost bet that they're bribing her "being out of status" as a method to keep her from coming home to me--threatening to deport her if she doesn't "accept the program."

Her sister felt as thought her phone conversation was being monitored the whole time, and she couldn't say what she wanted to say.

Folks, I am terrified now. May God truly be with us during this shelter snare.

Yeah, that's exactly what womens' shelters do, brainwash the people that stay in them. Seriously?

[Romabell 6]

I guess you won't like what I am going to say......

Your story sounds very tendentiuos, like you are trying to picture yourself as an angel in love.

My intuiton does not let me believe you are indeed that caring, understanding, loving, genuine e.t.c. husband. Come on, take off the mask. You are writing this story here just to create an alibi.

I guess you need that alibi in case your wife starts procedure of getting a GC independetly /you sound too worried about the people getting GC through VAWA, right? /.

Sorry if you find my opinion rude. I feel sorry for your wife and what she is going through. Poor girl...

[Valsu 1]

Yeah, that's exactly what womens' shelters do, brainwash the people that stay in them. Seriously?

Read the documented evidence yourself in the links I provided.

Nonetheless, I'm sure I could rest at ease if some people shared positive experiences with these shelters.

I guess I'm just worrying too much, but when someone you love is gone in this manner, how is one supposed to feel when they read such articles?

[Romabell 6]

Oh my heavens, I have found out terrible things about Shelter Homes I did not know about before.

It seems these Shelters trap poor women, and force them to stay for funding using intimidtion, threats, and brainwashing methods.

Maybe my baby wants to come home, but they are threatening her in some way?

I can almost bet that they're bribing her "being out of status" as a method to keep her from coming home to me--threatening to deport her if she doesn't "accept the program."

Folks, I am terrified now.

Do you really believe the intellect of the VJ members is that low, so you can manipulate them?

And you even opened another topic????

Are Shelters Truly Safe For Women and Children? Truth behind the scenes

"Abuse", "Fraud", "Confused American Citizen"......ha-ha-ha. You are restless!!!! Once again.......poor girl, I think she did the best she could do to help herself.

[Valsu 1]

I guess you won't like what I am going to say......

Your story sounds very tendentiuos, like you are trying to picture yourself as an angel in love.

My intuiton does not let me believe you are indeed that caring, understanding, loving, genuine e.t.c. husband. Come on, take off the mask. You are writing this story here just to create an alibi.

I guess you need that alibi in case your wife starts procedure of getting a GC independetly /you sound too worried about the people getting GC through VAWA, right? /.

Sorry if you find my opinion rude. I feel sorry for your wife and what she is going through. Poor girl...

Well, seeing as I've spent the majority of my posts here defacing myself, and admitting all of my faults, I would imagine my mask has been far gone already.

If my wife did try to self petition, I would not stop her. Instead, I would let her live her life, and do whatever necessary to protect myself an children.

I feel very horrible for my wife and what she's going through as well. You obviously didn't read much of what I wrote, and that is OK. I certainly don't expect everyone to read such a long story.

Also, I don't find your remarks rude at all. You're just speaking your opinion the same as everyone else.

If you feel I am not who I say I am, and react the way I do toward things, then that is fine. I know who I am and how I behave, and I also know I'm not perfect, and have openly admitted to all of my faults and oversights.

In addition, I'm anonymous, so I have nothing to lose by telling the truth about our situation.

I really want to fix this, so I was careful to include all details I could recall--even if it makes me look like the bad guy throughout (which is how I envision myself).

Yet and still, the questions I asked still clouded my mind, and that is why I am here. Other's have helped me interpret the situation, and I thank them for that.

[justashooter 430]

I've read your story, and am of the opinion that you are one slightly strange guy, you are under a lot of pressure, and you are trying to rationalise your situation. Most people's character flaws are magnified when they are under pressure and the truth about who they are screams out to the world. Your character is so masked and confuddled that you are hard to read. You must have sales or management training that hides the real persona, or you are deliberately concealing something. This is just how you read on the net, so don't take it personally. I could be wrong, here.

Other people have told you that you shouldn't have kept your wife as a housemaid, nanny, or best friend to your mother. Other people have told you that you should have allowed her to establish independant relationships and support early on. Other people have told you that you should have been more attentive. All of these people are right. A healthy person needs independence in as much as they can handle, and will become passive agressive (at best) if they are stifled.

I'm going to tell you, and everyone else who reads this post, something else. Don't import or marry a spouse you don't know at a deep level. You can't know someone at a deep level over the internet or the telephone. You can only know someone at a deep level by living with them day by day.

When this is all over, go out and meet a woman in a street market on a Saturday afternoon. Take her to dinner a few times. Look at the way she smiles. Watch how she treats waitresses and sales clerks. Watch her face when you talk about politics, or your worklife. Understand her before you expect her to accept you. See how she handles her life, adn it's daily pressures. See what she is capable of before you are willing to accept her limitations. Spend a thousand hours with her before promising to spend the rest of your life.

I'm also going to tell you that importing a spouse without sufficient funds to make good on the process is foolish business. Hope without means is a recipe for failure. Financial pressure and the dissapointment it brings can be a deal killer.

[Valsu 1]

Do you really believe the intellect of the VJ members is that low, so you can manipulate them?

And you even opened another topic????

Are Shelters Truly Safe For Women and Children? Truth behind the scenes

"Abuse", "Fraud", "Confused American Citizen"......ha-ha-ha. You are restless!!!! Once again.......poor girl, I think she did the best she could do to help herself.

Come again? I'm not trying to manipulate other VJer's in any way. Sorry if that's how you felt reading my post. Certainly not my intention.

If you actually review some of the materials in the link I provided, you'll see that the evidences are all documented--which is what concerned me. Nonetheless, I'm sure I reacted too quickly over it, but I am indeed a worried and "restless" husband at this point for a number of obvious reasons.

I also agree that she did the best she could to help herself. I established that point myself already. I just pray that my poor mahal doesn't get falsely manipulated in the establishment they chose for her. I will say that I've done some extensive research on the only one she could be in, in our area, and they seem to be a much better--and model--establishment than the ones listed in those articles. So, I rested many of my fears once I discovered that information. Only time will tell at this point.

I'm praying and hoping for the best.

Edited November 21, 2008 by Valsu

[DanielParul 50]

I'm going to tell you, and everyone else who reads this post, something else. Don't import or marry a spouse you don't know at a deep level. You can't know someone at a deep level over the internet or the telephone. You can only know someone at a deep level by living with them day by day.

When this is all over, go out and meet a woman in a street market on a Saturday afternoon. Take her to dinner a few times. Look at the way she smiles. Watch how she treats waitresses and sales clerks. Watch her face when you talk about politics, or your worklife. Understand her before you expect her to accept you. See how she handles her life, adn it's daily pressures. See what she is capable of before you are willing to accept her limitations. Spend a thousand hours with her before promising to spend the rest of your life.

Really? How come with all the people who have lived with their SOs for years and know them at a deeper level, America still has a divorce rate of 50%. . I do agree with spending time with your SOs before applying for a visa but thats no recipe for success either.

importing a spouse without sufficient funds to make good on the process is foolish business[/b. Hope without means is a recipe for failure. Financial pressure and the dissapointment it brings can be a deal killer.

Getting a wife/husband locally would have the same affect on anyone's marriage too. The poor girl had a lot more to deal with than just insufficient funds and if she was depressed enough and didn't know where and who to get help from, trust me, 10 hrs spent together or 10,000 would not have changed that.

[Valsu 1]

I've read your story, and am of the opinion that you are one slightly strange guy, you are under a lot of pressure, and you are trying to rationalise your situation. Most people's character flaws are magnified when they are under pressure and the truth about who they are screams out to the world. Your character is so masked and confuddled that you are hard to read. You must have sales or management training that hides the real persona, or you are deliberately concealing something. This is just how you read on the net, so don't take it personally. I could be wrong, here.

Hah! I certainly won't argue about me being "slightly strange." If rationalizing or analyzing one's situation makes them strange, then I'm sure I've gone above and beyond "slightly." I actually magnified my own character flaws, seeking for advice from others on how I should or should not have reacted. If you feel I masked myself, it means you really haven't read some of my follow-up responses--which is fine, because I don't expect you to--or, you're reading into something that's just not there. I posted anonymously so I could present both the good, bad, and the ugly without fear of bringing detriment to us for doing so--meaning, I have nothing to hide for defacing myself or situation. If something about me seems concealed or difficult to understand, feel free to ask me or challenge me on it. I'll gladly shed light and open that up. I've got nothing to lose telling the truth, but everything to lose in losing my wife. So, you take a guess on the validity of my statements in seeking the most profitable assistance for our given situation. It was hard enough to even consider bringing such things to the public (even anon), but I know the VJ community are very strong, and have always contributed some of the most amazing advice for people over the years I've been here.

Other people have told you that you shouldn't have kept your wife as a housemaid, nanny, or best friend to your mother. Other people have told you that you should have allowed her to establish independant relationships and support early on. Other people have told you that you should have been more attentive. All of these people are right. A healthy person needs independence in as much as they can handle, and will become passive agressive (at best) if they are stifled.

I agree. Hindsight is twenty-twenty in all of life's learned lessons. I know I failed her in every way, and the busy nature of my career caused me to overlook her needs. In my defense (which I do very little of), I did spend a lot of time trying to get her to communicate with me--especially when she was upset. Generally, she'd either just repeat herself over and over or saying nothing. It was like speaking to a brick wall most of the time. If something was bothering her, I could never truly know what it was. Nonetheless, after reviewing it, most of us here have contributed that behavior to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I'm quite certain that has to be what it was. Therefore, I "now" fully understand the reality of the situation thanks to the help of some wonderful VJer's shedding much needed light on the subjects.

I'm going to tell you, and everyone else who reads this post, something else. Don't import or marry a spouse you don't know at a deep level. You can't know someone at a deep level over the internet or the telephone. You can only know someone at a deep level by living with them day by day.

We lived together day by day in the Philippines for a total of 7 weeks. The difference is that we weren't "surviving" in the Philippines with bills, family, work, boredom, etc. Once we get to the US, reality sets in quick with true survival and culture shock, and I really don't think she was ready to bite off as much as she did all at once--even though she and I both thought she was prepared. People tell me not to beat myself up, but when I review things, I see so many things I could have done differently to make things easier for her. I now consider myself more prepared to help her be prepared for the entire transition. Fact is, neither one of us were ready for what we jumped in to, and I highly over-estimated her emotional strengths and maturity based on her age and education alone--and that was a grave mistake for me.

When this is all over, go out and meet a woman in a street market on a Saturday afternoon. Take her to dinner a few times. Look at the way she smiles. Watch how she treats waitresses and sales clerks. Watch her face when you talk about politics, or your worklife. Understand her before you expect her to accept you. See how she handles her life, adn it's daily pressures. See what she is capable of before you are willing to accept her limitations. Spend a thousand hours with her before promising to spend the rest of your life.

I don't even want to think about some other woman--especially not at this point. I haven't lost hope in my wife, and I feel once we get a chance to be back together, we will resolve this and review it as a chapter in our lives where we learned some valuable lessons, and drew closer together because of it. Right now, I believe a lot hinges upon what type of advises she receives from the shelter she's in. Apparently there are some good and some bad shelters, and I pray to God she has been matched up with a counselor that intends to help her repair her emotional turmoil and marriage.

I'm also going to tell you that importing a spouse without sufficient funds to make good on the process is foolish business. Hope without means is a recipe for failure. Financial pressure and the dissapointment it brings can be a deal killer.

I'll make mention that she was fully aware of our finances. I do not go around making false promises, and she knew in advance to coming here that we weren't going to file AOS right away. She openly accepted that while we were together in the Philippines. However, the moment we arrived here in the US, she assumed everything would miraculously just change, and when things went exactly as I told her they would, she got upset. My reaction to her was, "Surprise?! I've been telling you this all along." Of course, that isn't what she wanted to hear. I've been through a bad marriage before, and I did not want to go through another one when pursuing my new wife--so I was quite open and honest about every situation I could possibly bring to her knowledge prior to any of our engagements and plans.

Fact is, she was fine until her miscarriage, and that is when things started turning sour. We did have a lot of complications, but most of them were spurred by the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder our marriage was suffering--as some helpful VJer's have pointed out. The other things, without being in an emotional depression, are things that normal married couples face everyday, and work out patiently without abandoning each other.

Soon as she returns home, I will be making sure we get medical and psychological help for PTSD right away for both of us--her, for her miscarriage, and myself for my previous marriage--both of which has caused us severe mental anguish.

I'm done avoiding the signs, and that's why I'm here being all rational, emotional, and proactive.

By the way, thanks for your response.

Edited November 21, 2008 by Valsu

[Old Dominion 26]

One hopes that the staff at the shelter are helping her recover her self-esteem, after being treated so long as worthless. No doubt she feels as if she is at the bottom of any list of domestic purposes to spend money on.

[Valsu 1]

One hopes that the staff at the shelter are helping her recover her self-esteem, after being treated so long as worthless. No doubt she feels as if she is at the bottom of any list of domestic purposes to spend money on.

I try not to think this way, and it breaks my heart to consider this motive, but you're opinion matters because that is how you're interpreting it. I would agree, all things considered, that she felt worthless to a certain degree, but I did not intentionally make her feel that way. Now that my eyes are opened to her feelings, I will be able to address each situation properly.

Hopefully she'll never come close to feeling that way again. I love her deeply, and I know how deeply she loves me as well. If we're apart, I know we both are feeling ripped in half.

I feel I am doing the right thing by being proactive and cumulating solid advice from others in preparation of her return, so I do not make the same mistakes.

I know a lot of other men in my situation who would have spitefully just went into divorce right away if their wife abandoned them, rather than try to work it out, and did anything in their power to deport her, etc.--that is certainly not my intention. Unless my wife cheats on me, I see no other reason to give up on her, and I'm going to prepare myself and children spiritually, physically, psychologically, emotionally, and mentally for her return.