True Love or "Abuse" Fraud? (Long Story)

[pushbrk 12,898]

Valsu,

I believe you care for your wife. Apparently she's suffering from the impact of a miscarriage.

In addition, she's suffering from the abuse you subjected her to. You treated your wife as a maid who is also expected to "put out". Please stop blaming her and start figuring out how to be a good husband to her if you get the chance.

[DanielParul 50]

There is no point just blaming him for everything - He could have done this, he could have done that. What about she also could have done something to help herself. He is trying to justify what he did to the best of his knowledge back then. What about her, what did she do, make things more difficult for him by not even telling him how she felt?

I understand PTSD after miscarriage, and it could have been a major concern. But the doctors she was probably seeing after it did not figure out that something was wrong? She did not tell anyone about what was happening. She just expected everybody to do everything to do everything right.

Give him a break, he was working, trying to provide for his family. So what if he did not have cash lying around. Wasn't it her responsibility too to try and work it out some other way. My husband makes a good living, owns a house etc etc but even he did not have the cash for AOS immidiately so should I have stopped talking to him? I just took out my savings (its us now not him and I, isn't it?)

Since I am not working and my husband is, what part of taking care of our home, dogs etc makes me a maid? I did the same back in my country too. I am sure she was working and taking care of other things in PI too. Why if she did the same here, its termed as 'abuse that she was subjected to'. He's human and he can feel the frustration too with a nagging, complaining woman.

Why are we making it sound like he did it all wrong and she was just a brainless, voiceless doll? She could have been proactive. Both made mistakes. He is atleast trying to get it right now

[baxxy 0]

There is no point just blaming him for everything - He could have done this, he could have done that. What about she also could have done something to help herself. He is trying to justify what he did to the best of his knowledge back then. What about her, what did she do, make things more difficult for him by not even telling him how she felt?

I understand PTSD after miscarriage, and it could have been a major concern. But the doctors she was probably seeing after it did not figure out that something was wrong? She did not tell anyone about what was happening. She just expected everybody to do everything to do everything right.

Give him a break, he was working, trying to provide for his family. So what if he did not have cash lying around. Wasn't it her responsibility too to try and work it out some other way. My husband makes a good living, owns a house etc etc but even he did not have the cash for AOS immidiately so should I have stopped talking to him? I just took out my savings (its us now not him and I, isn't it?)

Since I am not working and my husband is, what part of taking care of our home, dogs etc makes me a maid? I did the same back in my country too. I am sure she was working and taking care of other things in PI too. Why if she did the same here, its termed as 'abuse that she was subjected to'. He's human and he can feel the frustration too with a nagging, complaining woman.

Why are we making it sound like he did it all wrong and she was just a brainless, voiceless doll? She could have been proactive. Both made mistakes. He is atleast trying to get it right now

What a breath of fresh air you are! Thanks for this, seems like most on here want to bash him. I know why too!..

[himher 634]

OMG I missed this part of the tale. In addition to everything else, you put your wife to work vacuuming and cleaning and earning tuition for your kids at your church to go to private school? $330 is not $660 and it's nothing if you are working for free to allow stepchildren to attend private school. No wonder your office folded.

In response to your initial post, I am with-holding further comment and attempting to bring this back to topic:

Your wife has this evidence:

She arrived in the US

She lived, cooked, cleaned in your house

She was asked to clean and work in your church

She was never offered the chance to adjust to legal status after her visa expired, effectively limiting her options and holding her a prisoner to the situation she was in

SO.....she bolted to a woman's shelter

You searched for her and located her, after which the magic words "please do not attempt to communicate with me" were offered

You continued, after she asked you not to, to use everything in your power to track, communicate with, and bother her

Her logical next step will be to have the shelter, based on your repeated attempts to contact her, have the local court issue a (free of charge) restraining order.

Once the restraining order is issued, for harassment, she will be eligible to file AOS on her own and claim VAWA status. From what I can tell, and from your own words, she will be able to show to the satisfaction of a government moron (with free help from a public shelter) that she entered into the marriage with good intentions, was put in a situation of servitude, and even asked to work without EAD approval for her stepchildren's tuition, in addition to being in a hostile home environment where she was expected to go along with all the decisions because her status, even if it was unsaid, was in the hands of her husband. Said husband, when she got out of the situation, used every means and resource to track, bother, and harass her, to the point of her needing a restraining order, and suddenly/magically she doesn't need you anymore to continue/complete her immigration process.

Intentions or not, on paper, your situation looks bad from the outside. Since you can't show a single ACTION taken on her behalf, just for her, since she arrived, the interpretation of events will likely favor her and whatever her claims are. Since her attorney will be free he/she will be able to subpenae everyone in sight and if this went down like you yourself describe it's likely she will be able to successfully adjust her status and move on.

Disclaimer:

The words "abusive", "selfish", "self-centered", "controlling", "creepy", "stalker", and every reference to "cheap talk" have been removed from this post as they do not belong on VJ or in a public forum

I am realy glad and i am keeping my fingers crossed that she returns if what you said here is true. As far as the mother issues, you have to understand that no matter what your mother's reasons were(to prove something to you), it was WRONG for her to do that. It is best to carry a face to face conversation/confrontation and find both sides of the sory with them side by side looking at eachother and at you. Even if recording was used, recording can be stopped and turned on whenever is convenient for the party that is recording. It does not tell the whole truth and you should know that in many courts this kind of proof is useless...for a reason(the one stated above). Plus is wrong from so many points of view. It is sneaky, it is canaving, it is plain wrong for anybody to do such a thing without discolsing it to the other person. You eighter discolse or you have a face to face argument, with you aside...that is how one can prove whatever they want to prove. And if you liste to both of them, you can draw conclusions yourself. Point is, your mom was your guest, ok? In your wife's house and in your house not the other way arround. How would you feel if i would come live with you and record you, pause it and play it whenever i want and then show whatever i "caught" you saying(or parts of it where it sounds like you said something but were talking about something else) and show it to your wife or mother, or boss or whomever. Would that upset you? Be honest here. If it would upset you, now you understand why it upset your wife. You should have a talk with your mother, seriously and tell her that this is why on every wall in US where there's acamera watching you, there's a BIG sign that states that(red big letters if you shall notice) or on any recorded phonecall as you will find out later on when you call immigration(if you two patch things up and go along with the process) that the first thing they tell you is that your conversation might be recorded. They tell you that, they tell to all, even if most of us(who call) are not even citizens so they would have all the motives not to discolose that and "catch" us with something. But they do, because that is fair and that is respectful and that is how we do it in a free democratic country.

Yeap, I established a few times above that I did NOT agree with her making the recording. I think the reason it came to that is because I did not get involved with their dispute, and my wife interpreted that as me taking my mother's side. I was so busy with work, I did not want to get involved in their dispute, so I told them to grow up, and work out their own issues without involving me in the middle of them. Now I realize I should have jumped right into the middle and sheltered my wife through it all, whether she was wrong or right--because there were other things bothering her which had nothing to do with my mom. She was merely using that as a reason to cover up some other things. Nonetheless, it's all evident and clear as day now.

Moving on, i truly see by what you wrote that you are a good man who went on some steps of life unprepared and the wrong way. But you can get that chance back and make it right. I honestly hope all the best will happen and you and her would have a second chance to get things right.

AOS doesn't cost much. It's not thowsends of dollars, it's a few hundreds. Having a house, i have to tell you that you were doing better than i ever did in terms of money. Issues and all, you have to sign that petition when you get your wife that you make at least 25% over the minimum income. If you were able to get her here, then you did make that amount, no doubt. It is one of your responsabiities to help this person integrate and get her work and some way toward independence so she ca love you for it even mre. Otherwise she will resent you forever. The no money issue when we're talking about 3-400 bucks doesn't realy fly(that is small and if you want i would borrow you those money for her)

I make a decent amount, but to get my wife the things she wanted in the short term, it caused my expenses to equal my salary. I did what I could to make her happy initially, but then I could not extend my means beyond that. The AOS/EAD costs $1,010. Not 3-400 bucks. Costs have changed severely over the past two years.

No, working for free is not cool. It gets your kids in for free at schol but who guarantees her that she will get anything in return? What is the motivation for working if you don't have a reward. They say, what is in your hand is no lie. Working for free, for some hopes that one day she will file some pathetic papers is unheard of. I wouldn't do it. Why would she? Who does that anyway? What kind of school is that? Gets someone without papers working for free(or indirect money-form of slavery by the way)...working as what, i am currious? What kind of job would she have done at that school without EAD? Can you immagine the lawsuits if american parents would have found out that someone who can dissapear without a trace would actualy watch or be arround their children? I would definetly sue that scjool, no offence, if my kid was in the care of someone without legal status in US.

It's not working for free at all. View this logically for a moment.

If I have $330 set aside in my budget for private school, and I spend $330/mo for this school, then I am losing $330/mo.

Now, if my wife was to volunteer work at the school (which entailed vacuuming a few hours a day, three days a week), and allow our children to attend tuition free, then here's what happens to my budget:

We no longer spend the $330/mo negative transaction. In addition, we now have an additional $330 in our budget that we did not anticipate having, meaning we can save $330/mo.

Technically, that is the same as making $660/mo, because you are no longer spending $330, and are instead saving $330.

She would have invest 9 hours a week on average. That is 39 hours per month on average. $330 for 39 hours a month is $8.46/hr. If you consider the savings we'd get because of it, at $660 for 39 hours, she is, in reality, earning $16.92/hr.

I have over 140 housekeeping employees in my company, and 95% of them do not make that much.

If she had taken that opportunity, we would have saved an additional $990 in just three months. I am quite positive I could have come up with the other $20 for her AOS/EAD.

She shot herself in the foot by turning that offer down. That was our break, and she spit on it. Why? Because deep down, she still blamed working at the church on her miscarriage, and she couldn't face doing the same work again.

Now that you see the logical side of it, you'll perhaps understand how I saw it from my perspective.

Anyway, i'm not gonna keep beeting a dead horse. You do what you gotta do and what your heart sais. My writing here was not to point a finger at you but to help you understand that praying is most of times not enough. Actions should be taken along with those prayers. It is good you try to find her and when you do, i honestly hope you would offer your wife the eqality to life and freedom and love that you have/had. But open your eyes a bit. Sometimes things in front of us are not what they seem even if there's enough proof or love. Put yourself in both shoes, hers, your mothers(who would have left if she was a decent person at the first sign of making troubles between you and your wife) and try to think a bit in perspective. Sure, love your mother, help her and do what's best for her, she is after all your mom. But always remember that your mom had the chance to life and she built it the way she wanted. You deserve to have the same chance. You have to bulid your own life, without her help; you have to make your own decisions and draw your own conclusions. You don't need her to help you. It will always, always, always make things worse in your love life, even if you have the PERFECT life and wife.

hope that everything turns out good for you. Make things right and love other people, give them freedom and they will love you for it, unconditionally and permanently.

I don't consider you pointing a finger. I'm trying to evaluate everyone's responses, and interpret their intentions. Perhaps through this, we can all learn some valuable lessons with our relationships.

I agree with you here, and of course that is why I am taking many extra steps to understand my wife in every way possible before she returns. I want to be prepared this time, to give her the very best I can offer. I appreciate every comment. You know, after this experience, I do not think I will ever let another third party individual stay in my home again. Every time a "guest" stays in my home for awhile, something comes up. I just really felt we owed my mother some support. After all, if it wasn't for her, I'd not been able to make it to my wife's consulate interview.

[justashooter 430]

AOS is NOT BIG BUCKS! Pul-lease!!!!! You had $18,000 for trips to the Phillipines, but not $1500 to enable your wife to be a working, contributing part of Society? An equal, if you will? I suspect that you never wanted her to be an equal at all. What about a Home Equity line of Credit? What about a loan from your 401K? If I loved my spouse, and it meant that much to her (which of course it does), I would FIND A WAY! That whole part of the story is FISHY! You have 2 children and NO SAVINGS? And yet you spent almost $20,000 finding "love" in the Phillipines?? Hmmmmmmmm. A little irresponsible.

And you met some "Shelter Workers" by coincidence? Come on!!! Classis Stalker behaviour.

+2000

The entire "I'm a holy religious guy who doesn't pay a bunch of hard working janitors squat, has mom living with me, send my children to a church school" thing stinks. I grew up in a family that scored almost as high on the same scales, and can say without a doubt that abuse takes many forms in such families. I've said it before, you read like way unbelievable to me, and if you are what i think you are, your wife is lucky to be gone. Best of luck to her. Take care of your own kids/mother/vaccuming.

[Jon&Lindsey 0]

There is no point just blaming him for everything - He could have done this, he could have done that. What about she also could have done something to help herself. He is trying to justify what he did to the best of his knowledge back then. What about her, what did she do, make things more difficult for him by not even telling him how she felt?

I understand PTSD after miscarriage, and it could have been a major concern. But the doctors she was probably seeing after it did not figure out that something was wrong? She did not tell anyone about what was happening. She just expected everybody to do everything to do everything right.

Give him a break, he was working, trying to provide for his family. So what if he did not have cash lying around. Wasn't it her responsibility too to try and work it out some other way. My husband makes a good living, owns a house etc etc but even he did not have the cash for AOS immidiately so should I have stopped talking to him? I just took out my savings (its us now not him and I, isn't it?)

Since I am not working and my husband is, what part of taking care of our home, dogs etc makes me a maid? I did the same back in my country too. I am sure she was working and taking care of other things in PI too. Why if she did the same here, its termed as 'abuse that she was subjected to'. He's human and he can feel the frustration too with a nagging, complaining woman.

Why are we making it sound like he did it all wrong and she was just a brainless, voiceless doll? She could have been proactive. Both made mistakes. He is atleast trying to get it right now

Absolutely. Sure, he made mistakes, but I think he was just trying to do the best for everyone, given the financial situation. She knew she was marrying someone with young children, so she must have known that any decisions would take them into account too. Feeling like the maid because you are at home and do the cooking/cleaning/childcare is understandable, but not the same as abuse and *being* the maid. He was working for them to have a nice house etc, but surely marriage is a partnership, and she should have done her share, in this case temporarily being the person at home taking care of the house. Yes, I am in this situation too - I'm not working right now, so am at home while hubby goes to work, so since he is working for money for *us*, I do the housework. Sure, I don't much like it after being a professional with my own business, but I'm glad to do it as my share of life's chores. He works 10 hours a day, so I'm not going to expect him to do everything at home as well. Husband out at work, wife at home doing housework is not such an unusual situation, people don't generally automatically assume 'servitude' and 'abuse'. He didn't expect her to do this forever, he even said how their finances regarding the mortgage etc were assuming both had jobs. Sometimes it seems like if he had expected her to be out working for money, people here would cry 'abuse' that he was expecting her to work!

He wasn't asking her to work at the school for nothing - what's so hard about the equation 'save money on kids' education = money for AOS'. I know it's not fun doing something like vacuuming when you have professional qualifications, but many of us here have to do something 'beneath us' when we're just starting out here (just look at the threads in the work forums), and working one day a week for a couple of months to speed the AOS process doesn't sound *that* bad. I'm not saying he is blameless, but she could have helped the situation by being more willing to compromise and talk to him about it. It seems like she made little/no effort to work things out and he is getting blamed for not being a mindreader with tons of money. I understand that she may be mentally suffering with the culture shock/miscarriage etc and this could go a long way to explaining her behaviour, and I do feel bad for her, but this doesn't make him an 'abuser' because he couldn't immediately recognise her problems and solve everything without her even telling him how she felt or being willing to do anything to help herself. He wasn't to blame for her miscarriage, getting injured, etc. At least he is trying to address his faults so he can make things better for her if/when she comes back.

[himher 634]

Probably jealousy.

There is no point just blaming him for everything - He could have done this, he could have done that. What about she also could have done something to help herself. He is trying to justify what he did to the best of his knowledge back then. What about her, what did she do, make things more difficult for him by not even telling him how she felt?

I understand PTSD after miscarriage, and it could have been a major concern. But the doctors she was probably seeing after it did not figure out that something was wrong? She did not tell anyone about what was happening. She just expected everybody to do everything to do everything right.

Give him a break, he was working, trying to provide for his family. So what if he did not have cash lying around. Wasn't it her responsibility too to try and work it out some other way. My husband makes a good living, owns a house etc etc but even he did not have the cash for AOS immidiately so should I have stopped talking to him? I just took out my savings (its us now not him and I, isn't it?)

Since I am not working and my husband is, what part of taking care of our home, dogs etc makes me a maid? I did the same back in my country too. I am sure she was working and taking care of other things in PI too. Why if she did the same here, its termed as 'abuse that she was subjected to'. He's human and he can feel the frustration too with a nagging, complaining woman.

Why are we making it sound like he did it all wrong and she was just a brainless, voiceless doll? She could have been proactive. Both made mistakes. He is atleast trying to get it right now

What a breath of fresh air you are! Thanks for this, seems like most on here want to bash him. I know why too!..

[maliciant 7]

You can't claim to save 330 and also earn 330 and come up with 660, I hope you are in marketting or politics, that kind of math doesn't pay off anywhere else, it also explains why you couldn't budget for the AOS for so long...

If I ever wanted to troll VJ, you've given me some incredibly good ideas on how to go about it...

[thetreble 19]

OMG I missed this part of the tale. In addition to everything else, you put your wife to work vacuuming and cleaning and earning tuition for your kids at your church to go to private school? $330 is not $660 and it's nothing if you are working for free to allow stepchildren to attend private school. No wonder your office folded.

In response to your initial post, I am with-holding further comment and attempting to bring this back to topic:

Your wife has this evidence:

She arrived in the US

She lived, cooked, cleaned in your house

She was asked to clean and work in your church

She was never offered the chance to adjust to legal status after her visa expired, effectively limiting her options and holding her a prisoner to the situation she was in

While I understand what you are saying, if my husband had kids (we are young so we don't) and I came to live with him while waiting to adjust status, wouldn't we all assume I would look after those children if my husband was their sole or primary guardian? Just because she looked after the kids because she was home, it doesn't mean he "put her to work..."

If I couldn't work, what else would I be doing?

I really don't think it his sole responsibility to look after her. She's a big girl, she has to take responsibility for herself too. My husband entrusted me to look after my self and use my brain to navigate around my new home. I got a job on my own without any of his contacts or using my in-laws. My point is, is that while the immigrant has to be somewhat dependent on the US citizen, the immigrant must find their OWN means of independence. I saved up money for my process PRIOR to moving to the US as it is not all my husband's responsibility to fund my move.

Again, I think people make these moves FAR too quickly. I would not recommend getting involved in this process, or with moving to another country, to marry someone you have only known a short period of time. 2 or 3 months is not long term and I don't know how you could truly know someone in that amount of time. Maybe if more people go to know each other and dated before they took this move, then the problems of adjustment wouldn't be so bad.

Edited November 25, 2008 by thetreble

[himher 634]

"volunteering at the kids school" to vaccum and clean so that tuition is free for the kids is, in my book, being put to work while out of status and it was probably taken as an example of him collecting benefits from a marriage while putting as little as possible into it. That is above and beyond caring for the children at home or taking care of the home while her husband is at work.

You're from Canada. That means that you are used to hopping in your car and just doing whatever you need to do. Not so with someone from South or East Asia - they are used to being able to take cheap, easily affordable public transportation whenever and wherever they want to go, and many times they have driven maybe a few times in their whole life. So, here, they are stuck, nowhere to go, no way to get there, until the EAD/SS/drivers license is taken care of. The loss of freedom of movement is a big change all by itself that someone from there does not understand until they live it. I'm speaking from our (my and my wife's) situation.

It isn't like my wife and I didn't go through our own adjustment period just like everyone on this board either will do or has done. My wife was used to working every day, english is her second language and yes we've had some misunderstandings just because sentences weren't worded correctly (from me lol), and we went through all the other adjustment stuff that couples establishing a household together have to go through. It would never have crossed my mind though not to follow through the immigration process to the end and make sure that we got her EAD, drivers license, green card, and everything else done and processed in the shortest amount of time possible. That was always a MUST DO thing with us, actually to me more than to her, until she realized that getting the same flexibility of movement that she had at home is tied to completing the immigration process. My wife read through all these posts and we actually discussed this for awhile. She shared that just being able to drive and get around was a huge thing to her in the adjustment process. She stays home, and is actually happy staying home, but if she wants to look for a job she can and she shared with me - the fact she can if she wants to, is more important than actually doing it. She is in no hurry to work (we're preggie now anyway lol), her visa is good for (2) years, we didn't have to file AOS right away, but it just seemed like the right thing to do to move things along and get her acclimated into the community as quickly as possible. In addition, putting your name on the I485 and getting the papers filed is a statement of faith in your spouse and in your marriage, it's kind of an "all in", for better or worse, and that in itself can be interpreted as a tangible sign of commitment to the marriage and to the person you married.

K1 limbo is worse. Within 90 days, a K1 is effectively out of status. Even "pending AOS" is a category of legal status but otherwise a spouse is kind of stuck, see above, with few to no options other than servicing the other spouse. From our own case, imagining what would have happened to us had we put off getting my wife acclimated to the community and life here, I can see how the OP's actions could be interpreted in a negative way by the spouse especially if there was a communication gap, misunderstanding of cultures, and lack of empathy on the USC's side as to how the overall situation could be effecting his wife. Being in limbo probably feels a lot like being trapped (i'm sure motormouth will be back and argue about how there's no possible way his wife felt that way because of all of his "husband of the year" actions) but even after a couple of months of waiting with everything filed and in process that's how my wife described she felt during her wait for DL, etc before she could get out, drive around, and do simple things like meet her friends for coffee or just go to the store.

OMG I missed this part of the tale. In addition to everything else, you put your wife to work vacuuming and cleaning and earning tuition for your kids at your church to go to private school? $330 is not $660 and it's nothing if you are working for free to allow stepchildren to attend private school. No wonder your office folded.

In response to your initial post, I am with-holding further comment and attempting to bring this back to topic:

Your wife has this evidence:

She arrived in the US

She lived, cooked, cleaned in your house

She was asked to clean and work in your church

She was never offered the chance to adjust to legal status after her visa expired, effectively limiting her options and holding her a prisoner to the situation she was in

While I understand what you are saying, if my husband had kids (we are young so we don't) and I came to live with him while waiting to adjust status, wouldn't we all assume I would look after those children if my husband was their sole or primary guardian? Just because she looked after the kids because she was home, it doesn't mean he "put her to work..."

If I couldn't work, what else would I be doing?

I really don't think it his sole responsibility to look after her. She's a big girl, she has to take responsibility for herself too. My husband entrusted me to look after my self and use my brain to navigate around my new home. I got a job on my own without any of his contacts or using my in-laws. My point is, is that while the immigrant has to be somewhat dependent on the US citizen, the immigrant must find their OWN means of independence. I saved up money for my process PRIOR to moving to the US as it is not all my husband's responsibility to fund my move.

Again, I think people make these moves FAR too quickly. I would not recommend getting involved in this process, or with moving to another country, to marry someone you have only known a short period of time. 2 or 3 months is not long term and I don't know how you could truly know someone in that amount of time. Maybe if more people go to know each other and dated before they took this move, then the problems of adjustment wouldn't be so bad.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Oh my... can someone give me a synopsis of this soap opera plz????

kthxbai

[himher 634]

Len you gotta start from the beginning lol, "cliffnotes" are a form of cheating

Oh my... can someone give me a synopsis of this soap opera plz????

kthxbai

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Len you gotta start from the beginning lol, "cliffnotes" are a form of cheating

Oh my... can someone give me a synopsis of this soap opera plz????

kthxbai

oh maaaaan, really????????? :crying:

[himher 634]

YUP.......don't be lazy!

Len you gotta start from the beginning lol, "cliffnotes" are a form of cheating

Oh my... can someone give me a synopsis of this soap opera plz????

kthxbai

oh maaaaan, really????????? :crying:

[Valsu 1]

AOS is NOT BIG BUCKS! Pul-lease!!!!! You had $18,000 for trips to the Phillipines, but not $1500 to enable your wife to be a working, contributing part of Society? An equal, if you will? I suspect that you never wanted her to be an equal at all. What about a Home Equity line of Credit? What about a loan from your 401K? If I loved my spouse, and it meant that much to her (which of course it does), I would FIND A WAY! That whole part of the story is FISHY! You have 2 children and NO SAVINGS? And yet you spent almost $20,000 finding "love" in the Phillipines?? Hmmmmmmmm. A little irresponsible.

And you met some "Shelter Workers" by coincidence? Come on!!! Classis Stalker behaviour.

Yes, take note: "had" Don't see why I must explain this, but here it goes anyways:

That dollar figure amounted to both trips back and forth, international phone calls, hotels in the Philippines, the K1 Visa and other processing, etc.

I whittled down my savings with those expenses, but I was making decent income, and we had plans together, so I took the risk.

Then she got her interview date 2 months sooner than we anticipated, and she insisted that I be with her during the interview. Of course, I had planned on being there for the interview already, but it took place right after new years, and I ended up having to pay DOUBLE the air fares than I did my previous trips because of the holiday season and short notice. Well, I didn't have it. Instead, I had to charge it with credit, and my mother helped us foot the bill--including our stay in the Philippines for 3.5 weeks thereafter. My wife's aunt also let us borrow some funds to help cover my wife's ticket.

When we flew home, my company had lost a large amount of business due to a rebid on the contract while I was gone. Businesses award contracts to the lowest bidders most of the time, and apparently someone beat our bid. Well, guess what? I had no income for 5 weeks as a result (3 weeks moving to a new job, and 2 weeks before my first paycheck arrived with my new company). In addition, I was having to pay all of my bills at our abandoned apartment--even though we were staying in our hotel at the same time, because my new job was 4 hours away.

I could not break my former lease until we secured our new home 4 months later, which meant I was paying for a residence we weren't living in. Take into account, we could not buy cookable groceries because we were in a hotel, and therefore were eating out EVERY day. What monies I did end up saving, I had to put down on our house as a downpayment to secure it. We had "just" enough.

Then my wife's aunt went broke and wanted her money back right away, and we had to pay her the monies we had borrowed. I also do not have a 401K plan, and after buying the home I could not qualify for any more credit--I maxed out due to debt to income ratio. You should have seen the look on my face as a furniture store turned me down on a credit application for furniture. You can "assume" I had some great amount of money all you wish, but nope, we've been absolutely broke--but are so due to taking risks and sacrifices based on my wife soon having work and bringing in an additional income. I ASSURE you, if I could have had that AOS/EAD, I would have gotten it soon as we could.

Outside of just asking someone to help us with a loan, there wasn't really another way. I advised her to start a yard sale for all of the junk in our storage building, and explained many other alternatives, but she would not put forth any effort. I started to take up a second job on the weekends, but I was already working 12-16 hours a day at my job, and wanted to spend "some" time with my family on the weekend, and go to church.

This entire situation has exhausted me physically, emotionally and financially. You can call me irrespsonible, but when it comes to the woman you love, you'll go the extra lengths and bounds. To me, my wife was more important than my savings, and I knew that once we were together with two incomes, we'd both earn it back in no time. She's not keeping her end of the deal, however, but understandably so for a number of reasons which I specified many times already.

I may not have a savings right now, but my children have clothes, shelter, food, education, recreation and a loving father. You can call me irresponsible, or whatever you wish regarding my wife, but don't bother challenging me on my children. Savings or not, my children will be provided for. I raised these children as a single father in college working 80 hours a week in addition to make ends meet, and with the help of God, we survived.

As for my wife, what is this equality you're refering to? I didn't expect her to be equal to me with her credentials--I expected her to exceed above and beyond what I am capable of. She could get a much better job than myself, and bring home much more income than me with her qualifications. You honestly think I would discourage that? Hah!

As for the shelter workers, believe what you will. I will just call it confirmation from God that He's listening to our prayers, and sent people my way to comfort me--which is exactly what they did.

I am at much greater peace knowing that she's safe, and most likely in one of the best shelters in this part of the country. A "stalker" is someone who is going to chase after her. A husband just knowing his wife is OK, and loving her, is NOT "stalking." Obviously you've not been through the same thing, so take a step back and imagine how you'd react in the same given situation.