True Love or "Abuse" Fraud? (Long Story)

[Kiv 32]

did your mother tell your wife that she was beeing recorded?

your mother had an advantage in that conversation, who knows what you would have listened if your wife was the one recording..

[Valsu 1]

I'm trying to make some sense here and get something clear...Applying for her AOS wasn't because your finances were low, but because you had it planned all along. You didn't want to apply all along untill much much later, after you would have made sure that your wife's intentions about you were serious and she would have proven herself to you as beeing "genuine". I might be wrong here, but i'm guessing this was your mother's advice to you, as a mother who cares about her son and wants what's best for him, right? She would want some woman overseas to come and take advantage of her boy, would she? Your mother's behaviour, recording your wife(is that even legal, did she know she was recorded?) should have been the turning point for you! That second i would have thrown her OUT IN THE STREET! But that's just me. Can't you actualy see how harm that has done to your relationship? Indirectly...Sink in deep and open your eyes, because i truly think you have the mental capability to do so. Recording someone doesn't show you the truth, mister. It shows you a PART of that truth, the PART your mother wants to show. Did she leave the recorder on to the table for your wife to see? No, only she knew of it. So what the hell would you have expected your mother to be genuine in her conversation? What if she bullied your wife in your absence? How wuld you know that? Well you know the TRUTH now...your wife has gone bazooka and left you. Her actions speak what was realy going on and how unbarable it was for her to life under your mother's critical eyes 24/7.

It's your mother but she has a job. She should have a place of her own, period. If later on in life if she couldn't wak speak eat, work, i would do my best to take care of her, maybe even shelter her. But when you start your marriage, bring in your mother and you have a recipe for disaster.

Dude, take a chance in life and be fair to your wife, give her a status here! That is so cruel and inhumane what you did to her, no wonder she left. Poor girl. I hope you REALY make a change and realise she is a human beeing, not a toy for you to handle. Good luck!

I won't say I was cruel and inhumane to her. She was aware of any and all of our struggles--especially financially, well in advance. I did not hold off on her AOS/EAD to see if she was going to be true to me--I trusted her, or else I'd not brought her here in the first place. It was financial/time reasons only that prevented it. With our financial struggles, we needed the second income desperately, and many of the financial risks we took was based off of us both having sufficient incomes. So, there's no reason why I would have held off on it outside of being incapable of getting it.

I also agree with you that my mother should have never done the recording, and as I explained a few posts above, she only did it because my wife was telling untruths about her. You need to understand that my wife and mother had no problems until just recently. It came as a shock and surprise once it did happen. My mother is not watching her 24/7 because she works late shifts and is asleep the rest of the time. My wife and mother ONLY see each other on the weekend--even then it's in passing because we normally leave the house on the weekends to go do other things. Basically, they only really see each other during church. Either way, my wife needs to be patient and give me time to relocate my mother--not just demand she gets thrown out right away. Even when there's hard feelings, she should know it takes time to move and find a place. Since she's been gone, I've worked on helping my mother find another place. We're getting her out as quickly as possible.

Much is hinging on my wife's return, however, as to what other steps I take in the near future. By the way, her AOS/EAD papers are filled out sitting on my desk awaiting her signature. If she returns home, she has her status. Balls in her court.

Edited November 25, 2008 by Valsu

[Valsu 1]

I'm so sorry ur going through all of these... im crying literally here, u and i have so much in comon when it comes to perceptions and beliefs, but my only advise is PUT ALL UR BURDENS DOWN AT THE LORD'S FEET, Jesus will give u rest, humiliate urself and tell God, "Lord, it's ur turn to drive my life". Ask for peace, wisdom and joy from the Lord. Ask the Lord to shower His love between u and his wife once again and cover her by His blood and Holy Spirit would bring her back to u. I know uv been praying, but try what i said above, say it in details to the Lord. And listen to His voice. Let Him directs u. But don't forget to ask for forgiveness, to urself, to ur mother, to ur kids, ur wife, and mostly to the Lord. The Lord hears the prayers of a clean hearted man.

I'll pray for u and ur family.

Keep in touch and if u need someone to open up with or pray together with, i'm always online friend, my yahoo messenger is jazz_acid30@yahoo.com

I know its hard to feel at ease specially in ur situation but like i said, let the Lord take in control!!!!

Thank you for the kind words and thoughtful prayers. I cannot begin to express how much closer this experience has brought me to God. I have sought out all of my own faults, and already confessed them to God, and am looking forward to a new perspective of my priorities.

I know that the Scripture holds true when it states, "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much" (James 5:16).

In order to get there, we must follow 1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Also Proverbs 24:16, "For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief."

I am believing and praying that God takes control of the entire situation, and the Lord has already sent some amazing people in my life unexpectedly, who have both advied me, and some having even been through the exact same thing before. We serve an Almighty Creator, and I praise Him for His wonderful works to us.

I may just take you up on your word and keep in touch.

[wom2008 0]

Well, you would think if the wife recorded it, the record is goingto be opposite?

did your mother tell your wife that she was beeing recorded?

your mother had an advantage in that conversation, who knows what you would have listened if your wife was the one recording..

[wom2008 0]

Something for the Original poster to isten to

Bryan Adams

[Valsu 1]

Can I just make a tiny, little blurb here?

If your wife is suffering from PTSD then she obviously needs help. We can all agree on that. But this whole thing where she couldn't work, left her depressed, etc. I mean..every one on this board, for the most part, has gone through the same process. It can be quite tough, yes, but you have got to grow a thick skin and just wait it out.

I think what you have to understand is many of us waited YEARS to be with our significant others and dated for years. So when we finally got to be together, we didn't care in what form or if it was ideal or not. I don't think you can say the same in your case.

I'm a scholar who was not able to work for 10 months! was it hard? Yes! Did I get through it though without running away from my husband? Yes.

Again, obviously there are a lot of underlying issues in your situation. But I knew exactly what I was in for and so there were no surprises. It was definitely difficult, as it is for almost every one, but it wasn't something I was arguing and pulling hair over every week. I just want to make a statement that I don't see that as an excuse to leave, and the underlying issues of her lost pregnancy really may take the cake.

Also, living with family is also something MANY Of us do. If you are fortunate enough to have enough money to get married and start off in a house, that is great. But I know at my age I did not have enough money, so I have been living with my inlaws for the past year. (Thank god we bought a house and move in soon) Again, this is small stuff you have to learn how to sweat off. It is not the best situation but it is not enough to end a relationship over if two people are truly in it for the long haul.

Yes, I thought the time we were apart was difficult, but so many others here have waited much much longer than we did. After seeing how things have turned out, I wish we would have taken more time. She always told me that she would be happy with me no matter where we lived, or what we had once we got there. I would have moved to the Philippines to be with her if I didn't have debts to pay off here first. I would have sacrificed, and did really, anything and everything to have her and be happy with her for the rest of our lives. It really caught me by surpise how immature and impatient she reacted to so many things once she arrived--granted, it all started after her miscarriage.

I never expected her to actually leave, though. What if I went to the Philippines? Guess what, we'd have to have stayed at her mother's house most likely because she cannot afford a place on her income alone, and I would not be able to work a job capable of paying my debts left behind in the US. I can assure you I would have not left her home and abandoned her for any reason, and just ran off in the Philippines because her mother had an issue with me. Sure, her situation was different, but I adapted to jet-lagged culture shock for a decent amount of time in her country myself.

I will accept that the miscarriage has caused her PTSD; but if it hasn't, then there shouldn't have been another reason she left in the way she did. We were just an ordianary married couple, and I can't apologize for being an unwealthy middle-class american. I was very open and honest about who I was and what I had--I was upfront that I wasn't a Knight in Shining Armor. She convinced me she was OK with who I was, and just wanted to be with me. I love her for who she is, and while we've both said things we didn't mean during the heat of the moment at various times, it wasn't anything we should have ended our relationship over--especially when the times we've had prior have been the most amazing times ever.

During the last two weeks before she left, she did mention something to me that caught me by surprise. She said, "She wishes she and I could have had a normal start at marriage like other couples, without kids and family involved, and just lived by ourselves together." At this stage in our relationship, how in the world was I suppose to interpret that statement? If that's what she wanted, then why did she talk to me in the first place--knowing I have two children? Either way, if she comes home, I will try my best to make her happy in the ways I was lacking in doing so before. I can only give it my best--I'm certainly not perfect.

[Valsu 1]

You should be hesitant about it. Regardless of your bogus "I'm sending this to all the shelters" cover letter, you look like a creepy stalker, and you sure sound like a control freak. When someone is so desperately trying to GET AWAy, they don't want your creepy letters or cards. Your mother doesn't sound much better. She needs to stay out of the whole situation. I would recommend to spend LESS time on web forums, and more time working on your OWN problems. Leave the woman alone!!!! People who are not good communicators (like your wife) cannot be bullied into communicating. It has the opposite effect. And your hopes that she is "fully recovered" by Thanksgiving, oy...........trademark CONTROLLING behaviour.

Control freak? It's not control to expect "someone" (as you refer to her as) my wife, to live up to her end of the deal. Through richer or poorer, through sickness and in health, until death do us part, for as long as we both shall live? She abandons us, and leaves us holding the bag--knowing that the financial risks we took "together" would require her future income to make sustaining our risks feasibly possible. What would you call a husband who leaves his wife and children in the same situation, and goes off to start his life over doing something else with someone else? I know what people call men who do that, and shuck their responsibilities toward their familes. Does it make someone innocent because they're female? Seriously? I've never hit or beat my wife like the other poor women in those battered women shelters, so what is she trying to "GET AWAY" from? She knows I would never harm a hair on her head, and if she comes back I will welcome her with open arms and apologize for any and all of my actions and oversights. I have worked on my problems already, and the prime reason I came to these forums was to find other ways I could improve myself even further.

It does not make me a stalker or bully for me to want my WIFE to know that I love her, and want her to receive a card from her husband and children for Thanksgiving. Hope is not control. I hope and pray that she fully recovers and heals regardless how long it takes, but in my heart I would prefer that I was sooner. I'm just being truthful, like anyone would be, for a few reasons. First, our family will be broken during the holidays, which is even more painful. Second, the longer she's in pain, the more she's suffering, and it hurts me to know that she's suffering for a longer period of time. You think I want my wife to be there hurting and suffering? Heck no! I hope for the quickest recovery--and not to be selfish on my end, but for her sake, and the sake of our family. Even if it was for selfish reasons, it still wouldn't be wrong--that is my WIFE; not just some person. I love her, and miss her, and I want to be the one holding her, and who she turns to when she needs comfort. Maybe I overlooked her needs with so many things going on previously, but I have corrected my own problems, and whenever she's ready to come home, I'm ready to offer her the emotional and psychological support she needs and wants.

Also, keep in mind there's a reason I have full custody of both of my children, and it's not because I'm controlling and abusive.

[ziia 9]

She knew what she was in for, and she accepted it. Then she changes her mind? Too bad for her. She couldn't handle it and couldn't stand things not going her way, so she throws tantrums on the floor? He provided a home for her and tried to provide more luxuries but an injury got in the way, where was her support for him then? Instead of being patient and working it out, she went psycho, him and his kids better off without her! There's enough nut jobs in the world without bringing one into your home and introducing them to your family.

Wow, you sound like a "happily" married/engaged joe. Anyway...She didn't change her mind like a loony toon, in the middle of the nite to up and leave him She warned her husband throughout time of how miserable she was. Himself admitted how they had often fights, many because she was depressed(how can she not be?) and because she didn't get along with his mom. How about that? Mom locks herself out and calls son at work! to open the door for her, implying that his wife didn't want to get to get the door for her. Who calls their son at work for a thing like that other than someone who's more needy and more prone to prove her point that this girl was "not for her son". As caniving as his mother sounds(with the recording stuff) i wouldn't put pass her that she just locked herself out on purpose, never knocked on the door to get her daughter's in law's attention, but immediatly called her son, dragged him off work to come get the door for her. There are always 2 sides of the story and the girl is not here to tell. It's just him and his mom. But consider this. This girl might have endured a lot. Is it that hard to believe that? Who would leave like that, crying and packing if not a girl under distress from the the whole situation? If she was nuts, like you say, i tell you who would have run out of that house in distress pulling her hair out. Can you guess? The mother would have.

I think this situation stinks from many points of view. I hope that girl just finds him and gets some way to go back and live free and not in situations like this. Just because she's here, it doesn't mean she's free. She will only be free(mentaly) when she'll have a job, a hobby, some friends and a purpose. If she has that in her country, that's where her freedom is. They might have a chance if: he works in giving her EQUAL rights(to work and live free just like him) and makes her feel like she is the QUEEN in that house and in his heart. I don't know her but she sure seems to me like she made him the KING of her heart. If her intentions were less than genuine, she would not have insisted in having a baby. People without babies get visas approved too, you know?...or you didn't?

[STEPHnRIA 2]

Hi Valsu! Any news about your wife?

[nycgirl 13]

I just have a feeling that there's a WHOLE different story from her perspective. Sorry to be accusatory. I don't know you. Best of luck with the situation.

[Valsu 1]

Cruel and inhumane is bringing someone into a foreign country, copletly making them dependent on you. It is the citizen's RESPONSABILITY to help the immigrant, he choose to marry and bring to this country, adjust to the new culture and not only that, but give them the freedom he seems to enjoy so much(drving anywhere, looking for work etc). What exactly he did best for her? He "talked" her into a corner? He gave her food and 2 kids to rase and a mother to watch over her. That is what you call the "best"? Taliking is not always the solution, ya know? Doing is a part of it too. What exactly was he doing for her? Although he sais she choose the house to live in, she was soon to be treated as the guest in their home, as an "intruder" who should be "checked upon" and recorded by "mom" to prove her son that his wife was the wrong do-er. Look, his mom was the guest in their house, ya know? The fact that his wife wanted his mom to come live with them untill she gets a place for herself, should tell you more what kind of soul this girl had. She had good intentions for her and her husband's familly.

How would you like to go to another country and have somebody watching your every move and "reporting" you in at the end of the day? what you said, what u did, wether you made the bed by 12 pm or waited untill 3pm?(just an example). This girl was "locked up" in the house. All she had to do was clen the house, feed the kids and care for mom and wait for her turn in line. Wow, he talked to her...big deal. Talked to her about what? How she sould have patience another year untill she can drive? Untill she can have a job? Untill she can have some friends? Untill she can do something for herself independant of him?

I don't realy care what this guy does or sais. I think the TITLE of his post sais more than anything that his intentions were to wait to make sure he's not getting a bad wife who'll take advantage of him. That is not how you do when you get someone to live here. You owe them the freedom they used to have in their country and yes, if you take a wife or husband from overseas, you take a chance, you risk. And so the immigrant risks too. In this case the immigrant did all she could to prove a good wife. Did he do his part and prove he is a decent human beeing? I don't thik so. Keeping someone under your power for 10 monts is NUTS. And you are nuts for even sugesting it's the poor girls fault that she lost her marbels.

If you consider my mother watching the kids on the weekend, so my wife and I could go spend time together, an imposition, then sure. My mother works night, and is asleep during the day. My wife and mother only saw each other during church on Sunday, and occasionally in passing on Saturdays. None of us saw my mother during the week days. My wife did not have to do anything to "take care of my mother."

My wife was not an "intruder" here, and she had plenty of friends she could go hang out with. She just chose not to, and I tried to get her out of the house as much as possible with the hectic schedule I had. I do agree, that my mom is indeed the guest in the house, and because she overstepped her bounds in the end, she's now having to find another place to live. My wife just wouldn't be reasonable enough to let us take the time to find her a place--she wanted her out right then and there, and while I want to make my wife happy, I still cannot do that to my mother. Where would she go? It takes time to move--and apartments are very hard to find in our area because of the industry here. Not to mention, my mother still won't have sufficient funds to move until February 09 (which was when she was planning to move anyways), and it is going to throw her into a financial crisis if we kick her out now--which means (you guessed it), we'd have to assist her with the expenses. Wow, yet another delay and burden to our own finances!

I must take my entire family into consideration when making such choices, and that is my role as the head of my house. I have to make tough, practical, logical, and reasonable choices which will impact the future of my family and finances--especially my children. My wife's downfall is that she would only support a decision that benefitted her, rather than the family. I viewed it as selfish, rather than understanding the psychological root of the problem--which was my failure. I cannot apologize for taking each situation and looking at the bigger picture. I'm a survivor, and I know how to make ends meet for my family--it takes hard work and sacrifice. She wants to have her cake and eat it too, and in the reality of life, you just cannot live that way. What I didn't see was that is something she's not going to be capable of understanding right away while she's adjusting to the culture shock and other stresses, and I have to be more patient with her in that regard.

[Valsu 1]

And one more thing........ALL KINDS of people look at these forums. You never know, someone could even direct your wife here for advice. Ever think about how much MORE creepy you're going to look, if she ever finds out that you've told her whole story to the world??

It would probably look like a husband who is desperately looking for advice to fix his marriage.

She went to the shelter for help. He came here for help.

If I was the one who ditched her and the kids, and later found she went through this much to change herself to accomodate my needs, I would come running back with both arms outstretched--but maybe that's just me. I love her, and I came here seeking help and advice on ways to improve myself--and to reassure myself of her being legitimate (taking my family into consideration). I highly doubt she would hold that against me, but instead notice how much I truly loved her.

In fact, that "pinayinamerica" girl that posted another thread in this forum seems to be going through a similar situation, and for all I know, that could "be" her posting that thread. I'm sure she's looking for help in similar places just as much as I am.

[William33 110]

The OP did not come here for ridicule or moral judgment.

He simply asked for advice on next steps with regard to immigration and any other meaningful advice.

If you are adding comments that are not constructive, as described above, then stay out of the thread.

[Old Dominion 26]

Your wife comes from a matriarchal society. Even in the western world, the concept of "head of the house" extends only so far. At that, it is not really recognized by law any longer, nor even in most Christian religious faiths.

[Valsu 1]

Obviously, people here are choosing up sides and that's not what this forum is all about. You are who you are, and your wife is who she is. You have acted according to your nature, and so has she.

If you are willing to be as open about your own habits and instincts with a therapist as you have been here in this forum, and not be so concerned with who was right and who was wrong, then the process will be helpful. But if you set specific goals and create a therapeutic setting into which she might fit, you are not getting good advice. I refer to the idea that she might return to you at a particular time, and that she would enter into marriage counseling with your therapist.

Rather than disclosing to her that you have tracked her down (the same as stalking her) why not just tell her sister that you and your kids would love to hear from her in some way at Thanksgiving, and drop it there for now. If there is love in the marriage, the sound of her voice should be like magic to your ears. As to the future, all you need to say is that you hope she'll call again and that the door to your family home is wide open for her, if and when she wants to come talk about what's next. Promise to do more listening than talking, understanding rather than reacting.

I did that with her sister already. So far, it seems they're allowing her on phone call every Tuesday night, which she's using to communicate with her sister. So, I explained everything to her sister, and hopefully some of the messages will be relayed.

Of course, if the only thing I got was the sound of my wife's voice, I would be in heaven! Just listening to her voice in our family's video recordings brings peace, comfort and reassurance. I have indeed covered all of those basics with her sister, though, so I hope that does help.

I have actually since met with some local shelter home workers (by chance of all things), who have advised me that sending a letter or card is OK as long as their was not physical domestic violence involved, and charges pressed against me (aka restraining orders, etc). They stated what I should do is send a letter with the card to the main shelter's PO Box in our area, and ask that the shelter forward the card to her. They will simply offer her the choice of whether or not to accept the card. I won't be putting some glory-morning message in the card. Only reminding her that her family loves her, and is thinking about her during the holidays. This is my wife, afterall--not some high-school crush. We need some form of communication at some point to save our marriage--and the way she involes herself into those filipino drama flix, there's a chance she's expecting me to get emotional and wrap my arms around the world on her behalf--the same as they do in the movies. I'll do it if it makes her happy, and it's certainly worth a try--if anything. There's still a chance she won't accept it, and still choose not to have communication, and if so, that's fine. I will just give her more time.