Never thought I would post here!

[jawi876 2]

I agree with you Jawi - And I agree with you about learning to fight fair - it's always much easier to point to the I told you so than it is to step back and bite your tongue. I know that I am guilty of it at times as well - It's a hard lesson to learn, but one that I think is important.

Relationships sometimes end - No matter what the intention was when the people entered into it, or how fast or slow they went - I have friends that were married 17 years and ended up in divorce - I have other friends that married after 6 weeks of meeting in person and they are still going strong. No one can truly predict what will happen - But I would rather take the chance on love than not -

Walk with your eyes open, but also your heart.

Hear hear! I don't have any personal success testimonies for short courtships having lasting marriages...so that is one of my own preconceieved red flags based on what I have seen/learned/witnessed.

I just wonder all the time if the whirlwind courtships/relationships would head toward marriage so quickly if the distance and restraints were not an obstacle. I think they would be a lot slower just from the amount of women that post about getting a visitors' visa first..."We are not ready for marriage, but I want him to come and visit me and see how I live day to day". Then a short time later..."Well, we filed the k-1 visa...we are ready. I love this man."

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

Andre talked to Marlon....never got that wierd vibe at all.

LOL...ummm ok I stand corrected since Andre didn't get a weird vibe :rofl:

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

I was very close to Sarah. I remember before and during. Even if it was a very short time, he was everything she wanted in her husband. And, she was very happy. That marriage was very real to her. That is what I am saying.

Not for one solitary second have I ever suggested the marriage wasn't real to HER. She seems a loving, devoted and wonderful warm hearted person. I could not imagine her ever being in a relationship for anything else apart from love.

From where I sit she was DEEPLY in love with him and would have done anything to make it work.

But a marriage is a contract and when one party is set to defraud and misrepresent, it is NULL and VOID....In my OPINION he did not enter into marriage for the right reasons, I believe him to be a user and a fraud.

[Jonesie 1]

Sorry about this NotMrs...I was going to post more but I think the best thing to do is to keep my mouth shut. Good luck on your path to getting this sitation resolved.

Regarding a "red flag" post - not a good idea. There are so many women who have their men read certain posts here on VJ (sometimes jokes, sometimes serious issues) that who's to say they wouldn't direct him directly to a red flag post, and he keeps note of what is listed to avoid in relationships and does the complete opposite just to stay out of the visa fraud radar?

Or what if a couple is truly having a rough time and something he does is listed as a red flag and the woman decides to end the relationship based on what she read on an anonymous message board? There are some people who may be "perfect" (no red flags period) and next thing you know they up and leave you or ask for a divorce.

I think VJ is a great resource, but when members decide that they can dictate what is a red flag to end a relationship that is a problem. No relationship is perfect, and yes there are people who marry to commit visa fraud, but to do this post would be taken out of context.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

"There are some people who may be "perfect" (no red flags period) and next thing you know they up and leave you or ask for a divorce.

I think VJ is a great resource, but when members decide that they can dictate what is a red flag to end a relationship that is a problem. No relationship is perfect, and yes there are people who marry to commit visa fraud, but to do this post would be taken out of context"

Thanks Jonsie.

[Jonesie 1]

As with every relationship I think the two biggest factors in determining if things are genuine are time and common sense. If you wouldn't do it with a man/woman living in the same country as you then why do it if they live in a foreign country? For example, if I wouldn't marry a man here in the States that I knew for a month, then why would I go on vacation and meet a man and I think it's "love" and file for his paperwork to marry after a month? And to say that the time it takes for him to be approved to come to the US will be our "getting to know you" time is straigh bullsh**. Not directing this at anyone personally but I feel a lot of people set themselves up in "red flag" relationships because of situations like I posted above.

[*JG* 2]

Andre talked to Marlon....never got that wierd vibe at all.

LOL...ummm ok I stand corrected since Andre didn't get a weird vibe

You laugh;but sometimes some of the things I've heard come out of some of these men's mouths, to someone they just met, is just too out there. We met one guy who told Andre all his issues and that he was leaving his wife as soon as he got his green card.....all in about 2 hours of knowing the guy.

[*JG* 2]

I was very close to Sarah. I remember before and during. Even if it was a very short time, he was everything she wanted in her husband. And, she was very happy. That marriage was very real to her. That is what I am saying.

Not for one solitary second have I ever suggested the marriage wasn't real to HER. She seems a loving, devoted and wonderful warm hearted person. I could not imagine her ever being in a relationship for anything else apart from love.

From where I sit she was DEEPLY in love with him and would have done anything to make it work.

But a marriage is a contract and when one party is set to defraud and misrepresent, it is NULL and VOID....In my OPINION he did not enter into marriage for the right reasons, I believe him to be a user and a fraud.

Then, perhaps, I misunderstood this statement you made back on page 1

However, I for one, never saw your marriage as 'real'.

[*JG* 2]

As with every relationship I think the two biggest factors in determining if things are genuine are time and common sense. If you wouldn't do it with a man/woman living in the same country as you then why do it if they live in a foreign country? For example, if I wouldn't marry a man here in the States that I knew for a month, then why would I go on vacation and meet a man and I think it's "love" and file for his paperwork to marry after a month? And to say that the time it takes for him to be approved to come to the US will be our "getting to know you" time is straigh bullsh**. Not directing this at anyone personally but I feel a lot of people set themselves up in "red flag" relationships because of situations like I posted above.

Amen, Jonsie.

[*JG* 2]

Wow, active thread.

I agree that many here are quick to holler "I was duped" (and this next statement is in no way directed at SArah), but what if the relationship just didn't pan out like he expected? We all act a certain way in the beginning of a relationship, and that behaviour sets expectations for the future. Things inevitably change, especially if we rush into a marriage. The "honeymoon is over" as they say.

I think that SOMETIMES nonUSCs rush into relationships and marriage due to the desire to have a better life. Most are not purposely trying to dupe the USC. They DO want to be in love, and get to the US too. I'll bet you anything that Marlon wishes that SArah would have turned out to be the love of his life. As she wishes he would be the love of her life. But it would have been impossible to know that with the limited time together. If he rushed into things because perhaps his judgement was clouded, it doesn't make him the worst person in the world.

If immigrants rush into marriage and it doesn't work out, the USC was automatically duped. I guess my question is......why did the USC rush into marriage as well? That's why I'm interested to hear the progression of the relationship and subsequent deterioration. Is he really the greatest con man of all time, or were they both just caught up?

Now, see, I don't really blame the nonUSC. I think USC's rush in because of the cost and emotional toll involved in an LDR.

[boo boo 1]

Sarah,

You are a beautiful person and I am sorry that you had to go through this foolishness.

Crystal

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

Then, perhaps, I misunderstood this statement you made back on page 1

However, I for one, never saw your marriage as 'real'.

Looks like it....

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

If immigrants rush into marriage and it doesn't work out, the USC was automatically duped. I guess my question is......why did the USC rush into marriage as well? That's why I'm interested to hear the progression of the relationship and subsequent deterioration. Is he really the greatest con man of all time, or were they both just caught up?

Let me state this very carefuly, the following applies to SOME, NOT ALL!

SOME USCs rush in because they feel they have found love...They live in the states where perhaps the attention they recieve is limited, or from men they don't consider attractive.

Now, here is a hard bodied, good-looking Nubian prince telling you he loves you at 350 lbs/resembling Shrek/with your 6 kids/drama issues/etc. Or whatever else the case may be.

They go to Jamaica and meet some who is telling them everything they ever wanted to hear from a man and is a master of the craft of telling them sweet nothings.

Why would they wait????

Here's someone telling you at 30 years of age he's never met anyone worthy of marrying, and now along comes his soulmate and he wants to get married RIGHT away, he doesn't want to be separated any longer from his queen.

Oh, btw, he doesn't REALLY want to leave Jamaica, but he'll do it for you.

The process is expensive yes, but so are all these trips down to 'make sure' this is for real. Trip consisting of course of a few days in a fantasy tropical paradise. Some USCs will loudly proclaim how they 'roughed' it in his house....

Edited November 24, 2008 by JaEnglishGirl

[Completely 3]

Relationship is like a job for two people, it should be compromise, both of you need to work for it, it is not I want this and I want that.. failure is on both ends as well.. if you believe you are duped by your husband, I believe that you also have seen the red flag even before you married him, but you just ignore it.

I am sorry that things did not work out right, Life must go on.

Edited November 24, 2008 by Completely

[Gemmie 142]

Well I'm not going to blame either the USC or the non-USC because I feel it's ridiculous to categorise them into those two groups and then try to decide which one is at fault more often.

I'm a non-USC and do not like the thought of being shoved in the same category as people that are desperate to leave their former country/life behind, people that are trying to get into the US, people that rush into marriage, people that don't work at the marriage, anything like that.

I love my life in my home country, I have great job opportunities and can be financially secure in the UK and live a high quality of life. I did not rush into a relationship or an engagement to a USC. We've been doing this for almost 6 years because we wanted to do everything correctly, make sure we knew each other as well as we could, make sure we wanted marriage. We've had our fair share of problems, as relationships do, and we've battled them because we want to make it work. We would never dream of ending it because of the first sign of trouble.

I agree that usually when the marriage ends, the Americans wonder "was it fraud?" and I personally believe that if that question has to be asked, you can't have been that secure in knowing each other and the relationship. Even if my marriage were to end, I'm 100% aware that we both entered it with good intentions. I don't know why so many USC's are quick to jump on the "DUPED" bandwagon, especially seeing as so many non-USC's clearly have a different side to the story.

INDIVIDUALS are at fault, not groups of Americans and non-Americans. It's easy to say that Americans don't want the trouble and cost of a long distance relationship so they rush into marriage, or that non-Americans want to flee their former lives for a chance at the 'almighty America' so they rush into marriage, but I don't believe in generalising either way.