Arranged Marriage....still alive and well.

[Carlawarla 1]

I met the most wonderful couple when I moved to Saskatchewan in 1982. They were from India, and had an arranged marriage. A committment to marriage that was made by the parents when they were both children. She and I became close, and she was the most caring person, who shared so much of herself. She was open to talking and discussing a lot about her culture. She wasn't "in love" with her husband when they first married, as she says I would know "love" like I had, but that it grew in her and his heart. They had been married for about 10 years when I met them, and they're still together this day. They both grew to love each other very much. I have NO DOUBT at all that this can happen. I think it's easier for me to believe this maybe because I was adopted and my Mother has always said..."my love for you did not grow under my heart, but within it".

Edited November 20, 2008 by Carlawarla

[SpiritAlight 1]

My sweetie and I arranged our own marriage.

As far as conventional arranged marriages:

I know some people who have done this.

Yes it works for some.

And as far as why they last longer (or rather forever) it's because of the couple's strong religious faith

and/or the woman cannot simply divorce for fear of, let's see:

death

shunned by community

and other hazardous causes.

Know what I mean, jelly bean(s)?

[chri'stina 190]

I think that if an individual who is ready for marriage is mature enough to know what way works best for them then they should go with it. And in a chosen arranged marriage, is there that much difference between the local matchmaker? I think I'd be happy finding the right mate any way it happened. Though, I would NEVER let my mother be involved in that search. She has the worst taste in men for me. My father on the other hand is a great judge of character, so he I would trust

Neihls Bohr, that was a very touching story of your wife, she sounds amazing.

but didn't your mother pick your father?? ..lol

My sweetie and I arranged our own marriage.

As far as conventional arranged marriages:

I know some people who have done this.

Yes it works for some.

And as far as why they last longer (or rather forever) it's because of the couple's strong religious faith

and/or the woman cannot simply divorce for fear of, let's see:

death

shunned by community

and other hazardous causes.

Know what I mean, jelly bean(s)?

Those aren't the only reasons they last longer. Some last longer because the people just learn to live with each other and love each other and don't have a fairytale imagination like people who only grew up around love marriages do. It's a completely different mindset, and while it may be done by people of certain faiths, sometimes they aren't so devout, it's culture more than anything it seems. That's just my little opinion.

Edited November 20, 2008 by Parivar CSK

[sara..... 371]

so do you learn to love the one you have instead of choosing someone to love?

no thats not really it we make the choice of someone that we feel we are attracted to in my case i had narrowed it down to three people i felt more connected to him than any of the others and really we have nothing to compare it to because neither of us have been with anyone else in any way at all........and truthfully im not so sure that there is love before marraige i believe u can be in lust but love i think has to be worked

so do you not believe in true love? you just pick someone you're attracted to and then work at loving them?

isnt attraction the beginning of any relationship and then grows to love? doesnt all relationships require that u work at the love u have for each other?

I've never had to "work" at falling in love with someone. That's the part I didn't understand. btw I'm not being critical, I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from.

[sara..... 371]

so do you learn to love the one you have instead of choosing someone to love?

no thats not really it we make the choice of someone that we feel we are attracted to in my case i had narrowed it down to three people i felt more connected to him than any of the others and really we have nothing to compare it to because neither of us have been with anyone else in any way at all........and truthfully im not so sure that there is love before marraige i believe u can be in lust but love i think has to be worked

so do you not believe in true love? you just pick someone you're attracted to and then work at loving them?

oh ho i tried to edit it and it didnt work so if this comes out as two post of the same thing im sorry.........

i prolly didnt explain what i meant correctly english is no my first language........what i meant was ur not working at getting the emotion of love but working to keep that emotion alive.......so many people for get that marraige is work as well......if u allow the marraige to become just two people involved and no work on keep the marriage alive it fails......i do believe that deep lasting love comes after marraige........and it takes work to keep it

isnt attraction the beginning of any relationship and then grows to love? doesnt all relationships require that u work at the love u have for each other?

I've never had to "work" at falling in love with someone. That's the part I didn't understand. btw I'm not being critical, I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from.

[SpiritAlight 1]

My sweetie and I arranged our own marriage.

As far as conventional arranged marriages:

I know some people who have done this.

Yes it works for some.

And as far as why they last longer (or rather forever) it's because of the couple's strong religious faith

and/or the woman cannot simply divorce for fear of, let's see:

death

shunned by community

and other hazardous causes.

Know what I mean, jelly bean(s)?

Those aren't the only reasons they last longer. Some last longer because the people just learn to live with each other and love each other and don't have a fairytale imagination like people who only grew up around love marriages do. It's a completely different mindset, and while it may be done by people of certain faiths, sometimes they aren't so devout, it's culture more than anything it seems. That's just my little opinion.

Oh, I quite agree.

And when thingies like statistics say, blah blah arranged marriages last longer than ones based on passion (whatever word is used), one needs to consider that people who choose to be together and then choose to not be together because they can, is okay too.

It is easy to just marry someone (well except for us with immigration woes, but you get my drift), and it is "easy" to separate/divorce.

And so people do not generally take it too seriously.

What is, is what is.

No one is wrong or bad.

No need to stick around if things aren't joyful, and you have given it your all.

I hope I didn't make this too confusing...hee hee.

[SpiritAlight 1]

so do you learn to love the one you have instead of choosing someone to love?

no thats not really it we make the choice of someone that we feel we are attracted to in my case i had narrowed it down to three people i felt more connected to him than any of the others and really we have nothing to compare it to because neither of us have been with anyone else in any way at all........and truthfully im not so sure that there is love before marraige i believe u can be in lust but love i think has to be worked

so do you not believe in true love? you just pick someone you're attracted to and then work at loving them?

oh ho i tried to edit it and it didnt work so if this comes out as two post of the same thing im sorry.........

i prolly didnt explain what i meant correctly english is no my first language........what i meant was ur not working at getting the emotion of love but working to keep that emotion alive.......so many people for get that marraige is work as well......if u allow the marraige to become just two people involved and no work on keep the marriage alive it fails......i do believe that deep lasting love comes after marraige........and it takes work to keep it

isnt attraction the beginning of any relationship and then grows to love? doesnt all relationships require that u work at the love u have for each other?

I've never had to "work" at falling in love with someone. That's the part I didn't understand. btw I'm not being critical, I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from.

This is a good statement/question.

Thanks Estadia.

Some people do "fall in love" for all kinds of reasons.

And some people simply love for no reason.

Which would any of us choose?

I mean, it takes no effort to love, and it takes no work.

The "falling in love" this is the fairy-tale, possible obsessive, sometimes insecure thing that is destructive at times.

Real love never hurts.