Arranged Marriage....still alive and well.

[Danno 1,228]

http://www.lemondrop.com/2008/11/17/planni...rince-charming/

An interesting story I bumped into at AOL.

We don't know about you, but "arranged marriage" makes us think of Shakespeare characters or old Bollywood movies. It seems outdated and totally out of place in the Western world, right? Maybe not.

The book "First Comes Marriage" counters the perception of such unions. They're still commonplace in some Eastern cultures and among some members of those cultures who are now second- and third-generation Americans. Author Reva Seth, who was born to an arranged Indian couple, thinks arranged marriages have a place in the West.

Seth interviewed 300 women in arranged marriages from the U.S., the U.K. and Canada. And get this: In addition to being educated and career-oriented, most of them say they're actually happy. And, according to Seth -- who didn't have an arranged marriage but became engaged to her hubby after seven dates -- negotiated nuptials have about a 7 percent divorce rate, way lower than the 40 to 45 percent rate among U.S. unions.

To be sure, arranged marriages are not forced marriages. Blame mainstream culture for that misinterpretation. Actually, Seth says the only positive television portrayal she found on arranged marriage was of Apu the Kwik-E-Mart clerk on The Simpsons (D-oh!). So scratch that image of Romeo and Juliet from your head.

The author says using some of the planning aspects of arranged marriage can help anyone find a suitable life partner. Her rationale: Most of the people you chat up at the bar aren't marriage material. Yet women have fallen into a pattern of waiting to meet their Prince Charming there. (And then there's that term Prince Charming itself, which is also rubbish.)

She says the modern-marriage ideal of a finding the perfect, romantic partner isn't realistic. "Growing up with the myth of rescue is an influence -- the idea that somewhere out there is our Mr. Right, and one day he will just fall into our lives and 'fix' everything that frustrates us, from the job we feel stuck in to the rent that needs to be paid," she told Lemondrop.

Make Your Own Arranged Marriage

Seth advises women to be more proactive and to arm themselves with a checklist of qualities they truly covet. Doing so, she says, can keep women from dating the same duds over and over. It's sort of like how you approach buying a house -- if you want a wrap-around porch and a big back yard, only look at place with those qualities, and and never settle for less. In her book, Seth helps readers do this with her "Seven Secrets" concept.

"The power of a 'marriage musts' list is that it helps you realize that unless you plan ahead, the men you date and hook up with can never end up being the men you marry. Recognizing the pattern of falling for the cute bad boy at the pub is the first step to breaking it." Since hooking up is often based on sheer lust, many women go for guys they're attracted to -- not necessarily compatible with. But it's compatibility that keeps people together over time.

Yes, that means considering partners who you aren't totally lusting for right away. "One women said, 'The difference [between arranged and Western marriages] is that a love marriage is like a boiling pot that cools down over time, while an arranged marriage is like a cold pot that gradually comes to a boil,'" says Seth. "This idea that couples become increasingly intimate and attracted over time seemed to apply to many of the women I spoke with."

It Worked for Her

After doing dozens of interviews, Seth realized that she could make better choices in her own dating life -- about who she was dating and how she was going about it. With her new standard in tow, she quickly realized that her now-husband was the one, and the two were engaged on their seventh date.

"It wasn't love (or lust) at first sight," she writes in the book. "It was actually the result of both of us having figured out what we were looking for in a partner, being at the same life stage, recognizing that the other person had the potential to have the qualities we wanted and then, as my husband describes it, 'exchanging over a hundred thousand words on e-mail' to confirm it."

The two have now been married for over four years and have a son.

Another Vote for Re-Thinking Love

Is Seth onto something? Maybe, says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist in California. "I believe relationship decisions should be made from the neck up as well as from the neck down. Re-adopting some arranged marriage attitudes would help do this."

Of course, if you're not itching to slip into a wedding gown just yet, having some old-fashioned romps is still OK. But Dr. Tessina cautions against getting frisky too soon with a potential mate. "Having sex too soon clouds your judgment and makes it difficult to make an intelligent choice of partner," she says.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Most stories and or experiences of people i have met that were in arranged marriages were completely happy with the results. Im sure there is some akwardness to get over, but it seems all and all, people end up happy for the most part.

[S and S 12]

Most stories and or experiences of people i have met that were in arranged marriages were completely happy with the results. Im sure there is some akwardness to get over, but it seems all and all, people end up happy for the most part.

I've noticed that as well. So long as the best interests of the bride and groom were at heart and nothing is forced, it usually does come out good with some exceptions.

[sara..... 371]

what many of us are doing now instead of having our family find our life partners is we put our profiles on a Muslim Marriage sites........our parents are fully involved and we have decided what type of partner we want as far as educations.......practice of Islam........there are many things that we look at that is acceptable for us......i made my choice because of his humor......his education and his level of commitment to practicing Islam.......as time went on we found that we really enjoy each other and have a lot in common.....and just like any other couple we have our bad times and our good times.......i wont say i fell instantly in love with him that happened over time and a couple of visits..........I had not even seen a picture of him when i accepted him his profile said he was six feet tall and three hundred pounds.....wow was that ever wrong yes he is six feet tall but no were near three hundred pounds and so so cute........the first time he saw me he was speechless.......and we truly believe that God has made a life partner for everyone the trick is finding the right one

ok well that was all the input i have on the topic lol

sara

[Amby 490]

so do you learn to love the one you have instead of choosing someone to love?

[sara..... 371]

so do you learn to love the one you have instead of choosing someone to love?

no thats not really it we make the choice of someone that we feel we are attracted to in my case i had narrowed it down to three people i felt more connected to him than any of the others and really we have nothing to compare it to because neither of us have been with anyone else in any way at all........and truthfully im not so sure that there is love before marraige i believe u can be in lust but love i think has to be worked

[Scott & Lai 12]

so do you learn to love the one you have instead of choosing someone to love?

no thats not really it we make the choice of someone that we feel we are attracted to in my case i had narrowed it down to three people i felt more connected to him than any of the others and really we have nothing to compare it to because neither of us have been with anyone else in any way at all........and truthfully im not so sure that there is love before marraige i believe u can be in lust but love i think has to be worked

If you haven't experienced it, then you really can't know whether or not there is love before marriage, other than by simply taking the word of those have experienced it.

[Amby 490]

so do you learn to love the one you have instead of choosing someone to love?

no thats not really it we make the choice of someone that we feel we are attracted to in my case i had narrowed it down to three people i felt more connected to him than any of the others and really we have nothing to compare it to because neither of us have been with anyone else in any way at all........and truthfully im not so sure that there is love before marraige i believe u can be in lust but love i think has to be worked

so do you not believe in true love? you just pick someone you're attracted to and then work at loving them?

[Sinergy 3]

IMO arranged marriages are wrong, you should marry someone you love, not bc they were "chosen" for you.

[DeadPoolX 9]

Statistically speaking, those in arranged marriages have far fewer divorces. Statistics, however, do not indicate whether love is involved and what sort of cultural influences there might be. Overall, I don't see anything wrong with arranged marriages. That's not my preference, but I don't -- and shouldn't -- have any say in what others do (so long as what's occurring is legal).

I do have to admit that the modern concept of love and marriage elevates expectations above what is realistic. As specified in the article, the idea of "finding that one special someone who's perfect and will solve all your problems so that you two live happily ever after" is a fallacy. Contrary to what John Lenin said, love is not all you need. That'd be nice if it were true, but numerous factors come into play regarding who we want to be with and why.

[rebeccajo 14]

Statistically speaking, those in arranged marriages have far fewer divorces. Statistics, however, do not indicate whether love is involved and what sort of cultural influences there might be. Overall, I don't see anything wrong with arranged marriages. That's not my preference, but I don't -- and shouldn't -- have any say in what others do (so long as what's occurring is legal).

I do have to admit that the modern concept of love and marriage elevates expectations above what is realistic. As specified in the article, the idea of "finding that one special someone who's perfect and will solve all your problems so that you two live happily ever after" is a fallacy. Contrary to what John Lenin said, love is not all you need. That'd be nice if it were true, but numerous factors come into play regarding who we want to be with and why.

There's quite a bit of truth to this, IMO.

I was married for 26 years to my first husband, and probably still would have been had his emotional abuse not started to turn physical. I was raised with the belief that marriage is forever. People who have known me my entire life believe I should have exited the marriage far, far sooner than I did. But I was committed to the concept of 'for better or worse'.

I still have guilt over having left that marriage even though I know it was the right and healthy thing to do.

It did teach me something, though. You can forgive a LOT of things in a marriage - you can recover and be happy again. And you can learn to compromise. I'm glad I learned to do that and not ####### out at the first sign of unhappiness.

I'm not glad though that I was such a slow learner. Even though having exited my marriage when I did put the moon and stars into the proper alignment for Wes and I to meet and be together now, I lost my youth to my first husband. And I spent a lot of that youth being a very unhappy person. No way to live.

Edited November 19, 2008 by rebeccajo

[Reba 2]

Contrary to what John Lenin said, love is not all you need.

John Lennon was the guy with the song. Lenin was some Russian dude.

I've known a few couples who had arranged marriages, they seems quite content with their lives for the most part. Except one guy I dated for a while before he told me he was off to Hong Kong to get married. He said he'd only met her once, and probably wouldn't mind if we continued our relationship after their wedding Never saw him again

[Imua 0]

I think it is good in that it gives people who are shy and maybe not super attractive a chance at marriage - it places importance on shared values, family and character rather than superficial qualities and who is the best 'player'. Maybe that's idealizing it, I know even in traditional societies some women(and maybe men) are considered 'unmarriageable' because of disabilities or physical qualities and may even attempt suicide because of it. Still maybe it gives people a chance who would otherwise have difficulty finding a spouse.

[Niels Bohr 72]

I met my wife for two weeks, and then married her. We hardly know each other.

But, she's the one who is very positive. Despite her adversity with loosing her parents at 5 years old, working as a slave, going to school upto the third grade level she never have any thoughts about ruining other people's lives. Cambodia is a very poor country. It's must've been very difficult to survive let alone loosing her parents at a very young age. I think of her when she's very young, around 6 or 8 years old, she worked in farms for long hours planting rice. They usually spend about 10 hours/day working in the high tropic temps with about 3 breaks a day. And, getting paid $1/day.

Her life must've been very difficult. The first time I saw her, her nails were damaged severely from overworked physical labor at a restaurant. She was a very good cook there. Everyone wants her to cook. Sometimes she wouldn't sleep for two days, and worked in the kitchen two straight days.

I could only imagine her difficulties. Despite all of these events, she hadn't manage to ruin anybody lives and she remains a very positive person with the respect for others. This is why I fell for her.

[Saddle Bronc 124]

But what's the measurement of "success" here?