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[beejay 125]

I am not getting black mailed by you with this

I told you what the plan was so no I don't want you to come here in dec

ok it going to be real busy and I need my time alone ok

I told you I want time on my own right now didn't I

It upset me to hear such hard words...

Well I will just leave him for now and see what the future will bring...

These are not the words of someone who respects you. He does not care about your feelings.

He may still love you but can you be in a relationship with someone who has no trouble treating you in this way? It's not going to stop. You may also love him but that doesn't mean he's the right person for you. It makes me angry that he spoke to you like that and I don't even know you. I think the best thing (and the hardest thing) to do is let him go. Make that decision to move on and then you take it day by day getting your life back together.

Think about the alternative? Do you really want to sit around waiting for a month+ while he ponders his questions in his head and refuses to talk to you? Even if he is having doubts this is not how you would go about telling someone that you potentially may spend the rest of your life with. You talk to each other, you bring up your fears together, you work it out. You don't stop talking.

I know it's easier to read and judge a situation than be in it. So realistically maybe what you need to do is start planning for your life to be in Germany again. Start looking for a new job. Let your focus go from this immigration process to going out, seeing friends, doing the things you like. Then when Jan. rolls around and if he calls and is grovelling and talking about what a big f'n jerk he was then maybe you think about if he is even worth it...but it seems he's already made his decision he's just delaying it.

I wish you all the best and hope you are able to find the clarity to help you figure out what is best for you in this situation...whatever that may be.

[JenT 0]

Hi Coria,

I've been following this thread but haven't responded because I usually try to refrain from making judgments about other people's relationships. There are always two sides to every story and we are usually the recipient of only one side.... (unless Nessa tells on Charles )

In this case, I'm going to set my rule aside and suggest to you that you take a hard look at what it is that you really love about this 'boy'. His behavior is passive aggressive and manipulative. He is distancing himself from you with a weak explanation. Couples who are having problems work on things TOGETHER, not separately. You do not deserve to be treated this way by someone who has supposedly pledged to spend the rest of his life with you.

Let him have his second thoughts and move on with your life. In a few months, he may realize he made the biggest mistake of his life by letting you go... or, you may never hear from him again. You have your entire life ahead of you and you have learned a lot from this experience. Don't waste any more time waiting for HIM to make up HIS mind.... you're just giving him the satisfaction of knowing that he's keeping you on a string. How long do you want to dangle there?

Jen

Edited November 21, 2008 by JenT

[KitEEgirl 0]

Sorry I just was reading through this thread.. I am sorry for what you are going through; however, I find many points of it very strange.

Most of the people here are so desperate to see their significant other, they'd take ANY opportunity to! He doesn't want to spend Christmas with you because he has to figure out if he loves you? Umm, you either love someone or you don't...

If he is that unsure, that's his answer right there. When me and my hunnie were apart, I could think of nothing but being together........ so something is definitely going on with him...

I'm sorry and I hope both you and he find what you both are looking for.

[2manypapers 0]

Oh Coria,

i know this is so hard on you...wish there was something we could do or say to give you more support.

I have been thinking about his choice of dates. January 2. JMHO, but I find it a bit curious that he is asking for the day after New Years Day...having been married to a Latin man, I know that the Christmas Eve, New Year's and Three Kings Day, (January 6), are all very important days and shared with loved ones and family. What I find even more curious is his rather stern message to you and using the word blackmail. Big red flag, whether he wants or needs the time, it is just a harsh way of writing/speaking to the woman that loved him enough to marry him and move out of her country.

I will pray that he apologizes to you, in some manner, because you have been more than understanding with him.

I am very sorry that you are going through all of this.

2manypapers

[Ta Ta 1]

But which other girl would want a guy who is still engaged and still has his fiancé in Germany?

It happens all the time. People lie. People cheat. People do not care to be the 'other woman'. You are so young and do not know all the games people play.

He seems not only imature but emotionally very unstable. This will spell disaster if you marry him. He is harsh and a control freak.

Please put your heart aside and think about reality. It is very hard to do when you are in love but you are

at a cross road right now and have to make a choice. Don't wait for him to decide. Take control back and move on.

Send him a goodby email and block him. He is not worth your time.

Move on and focus on yourself, on your life in your beautiful country where you will meet a man who does not have to

think about if he loves you and who will respect you. Hang out with your family and friends, be happy again. Allow a support system

to remind you that you deserve better.

I hope you will have a wonderful holiday season and that he will be soon forgotten

[coria1988 0]

If he is that unsure, that's his answer right there. When me and my hunnie were apart, I could think of nothing but being together........ so something is definitely going on with him...

I could not think of anything better but being with him either but now I think it would feel strange...very strange.

It has not always been like that, I have looked at some emails...

December 4 2007, 01:39coria said on: hey i had a dream last night thats why i could not sleep please tell me if you ever are going to cheat on me (i know you wont baby i do)but if you ever are let me know before you do so i dont have to go crazy and phsyco ok please baby ok i love you so much and i know you will never do it because you love me too i just hate that feeling i got when i woke up ok it felt like my life was completely over because you had done it in my dreams ok please dont be mad because i just am telling you because you said i can tell you anything too December 4 2007, 05:37coria said on: hey i just wanted to let you knwo you are the best thing in my life and i thank god you are mine i cant wait to be with you and marry you and make you the happiest woman in the world because will make me the happiest man ever i love you and i am going to sleep baby sorry if you thought i hung up on but i didnt

(He barely ever puts punctuation marks! lol)

10.04.2008

Hey I love you

No matter how mad I get at you

You are always going to be the best thing of my life ok

I just wish you understood that

Maybe one day Ill prove it to you if I just knew how

09.10.2008

Hey sorry i pissed you off this morning but I dont remember talking to you sorry well I love you have a great day

So, his mails were not always that stupid....and he thought I get mad at him often...I have just been mad because he did not have a phone and I wanted to talk to him. He told me that he was getting a phone on day X. Okay, then he found out that he did not have time. Postponed it. Then on another day his electricity did not work so he did not see the necessity of getting a phone and said he will get one when his electricity is back. I told him he can call me from another phone somewhere else but he said there were not any public phones in his barracks. Then one day he looked at the wrong schedule and did not have to work. However, he did not get the phone that day either. And now he has a phone, now we do not talk that much no more...If the phone has worked the whole time? =S

Well that was just what makes me angry that he barely had any time for me. I know there is work but he sometimes slept for 12 hours or more and if it was important to talk to me he would have woken up a bit earlier, wouldnt he? Maybe to get the phone or to just talk to me...

I just hope that I did not do anything wrong about that because he asked me why I was getting so mad at him lately and the answer was because he barely took time for me...

So, maybe this was it what pushed him to that....

I will still wait for some days and see what is going on...yesterday he did not write me at all....

So, I think about everything once again.

I just think when I leave him somebody else could get him....

They could get the "great" (!?) guy I left...=S

Thank you all so very much.

Have a nice day....=)

[coria1988 0]

Oh and does anybody know if the co-workers are allowed to know that he might get deployed?

[sasha414 0]

coria sweetie, i will now give you a piece of my mind . you are in DENIAL right now. you know the answers deep inside but you are stubborn, you refuse to believe your instincts. your gut feeling tells you something is wrong but you brush it off because you love him. trust me, i know because i have been thru this road once before. i was amused at your line "I just think when I leave him somebody else could get him....

They could get the "great" (!?) guy I left...=S"... i understand what you mean, you are afraid to leave him now because some other "lucky girl" might take your place in his life. this is very typical thinking for women who are stupidly in love and are blind to reality. coria, you are so young, you need to listen to the other people here who have experienced life and relationships more than you. your fiance has no respect for you coria. he expects you to sit, mope and wait for him for more than a month and when he decides he wants you more than the other woman, then he knows you will be there at his convenience . but trust me, if you allow him to do this, it will continue for the rest of your married life and you will be miserable. i know its hard for you to the follow the advices given here by everyone mainly because you refuse to believe even what your head is telling you. coria, you deserve someone better. you deserve someone who will respect you and love you unconditionally. someone once told me " when you marry a man, you have to marry someone who not only loves you but someone WHO ADORES YOU". coria, if you push thru with this man, you will be emotionally abused . his email sounds like he is controlling and hot tempered. right now, you are wallowing in self -pity so you need to wake up. someday when you meet the right man , you will look back at all these and you will realize that what everyone is telling you now are all true.

[Kiv 32]

Oh and does anybody know if the co-workers are allowed to know that he might get deployed?

Girl, I don't think is a good idea to try to get information from his friends or co-workers.

I agree with the previous post you are in denial, when a man does not want to be with you, you will not make him do it, even if you think you love him so much and that is the best for him. It is ok to fight for your love, but you also have to fight for your self-estim, if this does not work, you will feel better if you keep your self respect. I do really wish that he is waiting for information about beeing deployed, or for the results of a biopsia or something else... all you can do is wait, and if by the date he gave you he does not have a good reason to be this childish, move on with your life.

[DARUMA07 25]

Coria, I want to give you a mans perspective on all of this. First of all! When a man truly loves his woman, he will sacrifice and do anything (thats reasonable) for the love of his life. He would not make you wait and put your life on hold, so he could get his thoughts together.

There are ways to work around his deployment issues. None of that should or would effect you two being together as a husband and wife. I have no idea what is going on with him, but I think it is obvious that you are no longer a priority to him.

For whatever it's worth! Take control of your life again and find out what you really want. Live your life for you, not for him! He has made it clear that he doesn't want to be bothered by all of this. You are young and you have a future ahead of you! Believe me, one day you will find a man who fullfill your dreams. Just take your time and heal and learn from all of this.

I am sorry that he put you through this! Stay focused on YOU and what you want in life! I wish you the best in life and I hope you are able to move on. Good Luck to you! Keep your head up!

Danny

[jom 4]

YOU DESERVE BETTER. It will be painful to try to move forward without him but YOU DESERVE BETTER. I know you love him and want to be with him but YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Our prayers are with you - JM

[Ban Hammer 13,491]

Hi Coria,

I've been following this thread but haven't responded because I usually try to refrain from making judgments about other people's relationships. There are always two sides to every story and we are usually the recipient of only one side.... (unless Nessa tells on Charles )

[Donna A 4]

im kinda going to go in a different direction here. but do u think he could have found out he has some medical problem that he is waiting on an answer for on jan 2? maybe he found something is wrong and dont want to get u over here and give up everything there for him if he is sick or something like that. maybe he is trying to save u from being hurt later.

i dont know but it is really sad what u r going thru now.

good luck and hang in there.

[Cdnwmn 0]

A book I recommend to read:

He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt

(No disrespect intended).

[2manypapers 0]

A very good book!

2manypapers