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[Cham 3]

Sweet Coria.

He picked a Date? Reduced communication? Thats not what people do when they want to figure things out with their loved ones, not that i have seen or experienced, the distance is enough stress, suddenly i dont feel too good about happy endings anymore!

Meanwhile, maybe you did put pressure on him about getting a good place to live and all that, it would have been easier to say, but all that is in the past now, though there really aint nothing wrong with wanting to be safe.

All i can say now is its really horrible that he ll place you in a limbo not knowing what it will be by january 2nd!!! for christ sakes from now till january 2nd???

He doesnt want you to have a good holiday or what? How can you sleep at night? and when he says he is sure it will be good in the end, what kind of good? good is relative, he can say for our own good its better we dont go thru with it, i wont be around and might be deployed bla bla bla, i might not be happy knowing you ll be alone while i'm away bla bla bla, or dont think i want to get married anymore or yet, would that be good enough for you?

Arm yourself, try finding things that makes you happy and prepare yourself in eventuality for what happens, dont put pressure on him anymore, let him lead while you follow.

Or alternatively, stop hurting and demand an answer now, if you are not sure about us now, when will you be, love is equally yoked and shared, if you have doubts and cant pull through and want to work through it its understandable but he should let you know so you can either be happy now or cry all you can and move on.

For me right now il say "tell me what it is" i have a lot of pressure on me too! waiting on you all day and night, crying myself to sleep not being happy for anything anymore and hanging by the thread not knowing what will happen.

I am very emotional and sincerely, i feel for you and know how draining it can be emotionally, get it over with, you are as much of a human being as he is!

If you decide to wait then.... get him off your mind a bit, place him on hold too, find a way to make you happy not miserable, cos january 2nd...is a long long wait baby!

sounds like another woman is coming to visit over x mas and new years and he wants to see how things work out first.......id be real quiet and stop emaling him and see what he does...i think there is someone else

Hate to agree but I said the same thing..

Sweetie..I wrote you back!!

BIG HUGS HANG IN THERE!

[tanyaru 3]

Nope, we won't spend christmas together. He does not want me to come. Like I said he thinks that he can only figure it out by himself. Without me

SEE..think about it girl..he does not WANT YOU TO GO BE WITH HIM FOR CHRISTMAS?? why???? are you some dirty little secret...does he have another fiance who is going through the same thing as you, is he gay...I mean my god! what secret is there that he does not even want to be with you this holiday at ALL!

Something is wrong with this picture BIG TIME because if I could be with kai and afford it he would be jumping up and down for joy and so would others...:(

I agree. What better plans can he possibly have for Christmas then spending it with his fiancee who just got her visa and there is only a plane flight separating them??? I would be deeply offended by my loved one acting like that.

[Ta Ta 1]

Coria,

Es tut mir wirklich leid wie er dich behandelt !

I am a naturalized German and having moved from my country I want to say you did nothing wrong by asking questions on what would await you here.

That is not putting on pressure but a necessity. That is what grown ups do. They discuss things. Together. Anything.

If he did not want to share what the problem is then he should have never even mentioned it and waited until his deadline and then come out with it.

But this is not cool to put you through this anticipation of a deadline. It is a cruel mental tease and he seems to want control of the outcome regardless of your input.

You are so young. Allow me to say that he seems self absorbed without any thought for your feelings as many others have said.

A couple shares anything and everything, problems and issues which will be many in the years to come. If he does not include you now then he will

make any decisions in the future without you. He will not be open and transparent but hide things from you. If he does not value your opinion and

respect you enough to say what is bothering him do you really want a life with him and go through this with other issues ?

I would tell him that you are hurt and not prepared to wait this long and need someone in your life who respects you enough to want feedback of a situation he is mulling over.

Tell him to search his heart of why he refuses to share and that if he can't come up with an answer then maybe it will be best to stop communication all together.

Take control back over your own life and set your boundaries of what you value now early on. Don't allow him to set a pattern of this.

Just because he thinks he can do this to you does not mean you should be receptive to it.

The song " It's a fine time to leave me Lucille......" comes to mind ( yes an oldie ) but really why now this wishy washy attitude after all the hard work of the visa process ?

Surely he can't expect you to place your entire life on hold until he decides life goes on as usual or it's over.....whatever it may be.

He does not seem mature enough to marry, nor does he know what he wants. It seems the single military life with less complexities are

where he is headed.

[Zayd 0]

Hi,

I have been following this for a while. One thing to remember about travelling to the US during the holidays to figure things out. If you do come to the US, you will be entering under your K1 visa. As such, if you were to plan to return home after new years, you would be abandoning your K1 and would have to start the process all over again. So if you plan to come, make sure you are sure you are coming under the expectation that this trip is the one trip for the K1 and this is the one shot to make it work.

[ziia 9]

Hello,

I talked to him yesterday.

He told me that he was sorry and that he would let me know on January 2, 2009.

Yeah, weird he told me an exact date, huh? I asked him why he just picked that date and he told me because it is New Year. And he would hope to figure it out before. Now he made a "plan" to only talk to me three times a week (emailing) and once a week he would talk to me by phone. Well, I did feel that there was something wrong in October but I think it was his fear of not knowing what will happen to me when I am in the States all alone in case he has to leave. I told him before that I would be very sad if he had to leave and that I could go to France or Spain during that time in order to improve my language skills. I also said that this would not work because I could not just leave the country when he gets deployed early, I would need to have an Advance Parole. Plus, I have always been more worried about the crime over there. I know the area I live in, where to go and where not to go. So I think at that moment back then when he heard that he might get deployed he wanted to protect me from all of this. He wanted to come to Germany and get married here but he does not have more than 10 leave days. So, as I did not know alot about the Advance Parole, I called USCIS and informed myself. After telling him that it should not take a long time to get it he agreed that I should go to the interview. I think I really made him crazy about that...I have always said: "But the apartment has to be in a good area." "Is there a lot of crime?". I was just worried but I have always wanted to go there. Maybe I was just scared because I do not know how it really is over there. I have been there for three weeks and that was it.

He told me that it really just started last weekend this weird feeling. I have read to him the following poem which I looked for two weeks ago, in case I could not tell him no more. It was so true and it is such a nice poem. Okay, now I want to share it with you guys.

Cori, i was 21 when i came to US. My heart was full of dreams, aspirations, love and smile. Little did i know how the reality of life would hit me later down the road. Unlike you, i had no clue how life in a foreign country was. I had no idea about the crime, the bad neighborhoods, about Advance Parole and all these things. Not knowing ahead of time(thought US was like in the movies, by the way:)) what would be here, i took everythig else(i had in my country) for-granted. When i left my country, all i had were my dreams and my strong guts and the thought that those things were enough for me to come and..."conquor the world". Well, they weren't. They were enough to have a lot of people here look at me with admiration, but they were not enough to protect me from what i was to encounter along the way.

It is not only important, but critical that you find out where you will live in US. I live in a big city like Chicago, so i can say i have some experience about neighborhoods and crime in US, sort to say. It is REAL and IT MATTERS that you know ahead of time where you will live. I don't want to scare you, America is America and it is the greatest country in the world but it is also the weirdest country in the world and the culture shock is unbelieveble if you find yourself alone here. If you are this sad when you are in your own enviroment, so alone and depressed now...and you are still in your enviroment with people, your familly who cares about you and are close to you, then I can't even express to you how you will feel here in US. He doesn't even have to be deployed for you to feel alone. He can be with you. The physical presence counts i'd dare to say about 30% to a human. The other 70% is his emotional moral, psychological presence that will make you feel good about you and your relationship and your life in general. I know people, immigrants like me who have it all, moral and physical presence from their american spouses but still have a hard time(the battle from within themselves who lasts a long time. Some feel it hard because they are appart from their parents, some because they don't understand the culture, some because they won't stop comparing what they see to what they've known, or taught to know). It is very importnat that you not only get to know your fiancee but that you get to know hiw familly, some of his friends. Have you talked to any of his familly?

I don't want to be mean, please. It's the last thing i want. But i do want to tell you my oppinion and my oppinion is sometimes cut throught- i mean i tend to cut through the b s a lot and tell you that this guy is NOT worth it! Believe me girl, as wonderful as you think your life would be here with him, it is not going to be. How do i know the future? It's simple...i look at the presesnt.

Poems are nice but he writes them and you live in them....he is not there...or you wouldn't cry. Please don't cry. This man has no excuse. If he's that emotional and confused now he can not NO WAY be support for you later on. Don't waste your tears. I'd tell him to go screw himself. That might be a turning point and a realisation for him- a real quick one by the way. You will get your answear from him before January 2nd. Have the guts and LOVE YOURSELF FIRST...then HE WILL LOVE YOU.

all my best

[Cham 3]

sent you another letter girl!! BIG HUGS and we all are thinking of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[coria1988 0]

It is very importnat that you not only get to know your fiancee but that you get to know hiw familly, some of his friends. Have you talked to any of his familly?

Hello, he does not have contact no more to his family...they have sometimes talked before but just because he thought it would be his duty to do so. He really told me bad things about them and also about his half-sister. At the beginning I said that I bet that they did not mean it and later on I just got mad at them, especially at his half-sister. I think I did not talk to anyone of them but his half-sister two years ago. And the only guy he talks to is Walls, he lives here in Germany and is in the army too. He kinda is an ####### but you still can talk to him somehow. My fiancé however likes him alot because he is funny and just doesnt give a f*** about the stupid #### he says...well and the others seem like friends that come and go throught the military. I do not have contact to any of the guys he has hung out with over there in the States...I just have contact to walls and he barely talkes to Eliseo and yesterday he said: Keep up if you keep jabbering about this #######...or something like that. So, I just have to ignore sentences like that.

[Cham 3]

It is very importnat that you not only get to know your fiancee but that you get to know hiw familly, some of his friends. Have you talked to any of his familly?

Hello, he does not have contact no more to his family...they have sometimes talked before but just because he thought it would be his duty to do so. He really told me bad things about them and also about his half-sister. At the beginning I said that I bet that they did not mean it and later on I just got mad at them, especially at his half-sister. I think I did not talk to anyone of them but his half-sister two years ago. And the only guy he talks to is Walls, he lives here in Germany and is in the army too. He kinda is an ####### but you still can talk to him somehow. My fiancé however likes him alot because he is funny and just doesnt give a f*** about the stupid #### he says...well and the others seem like friends that come and go throught the military. I do not have contact to any of the guys he has hung out with over there in the States...I just have contact to walls and he barely talkes to Eliseo and yesterday he said: Keep up if you keep jabbering about this #######...or something like that. So, I just have to ignore sentences like that.

Sweetie I know You love this guy, BUT how sure are you that he does not have contact with his family. Maybe his family is putting pressure on him to not be with you. Sometimes families will do that and sometimes the men and women who date outsiders so to speak are NOT welcome. YOU do what mom or dad says no matter the age.

I just do not understand it. I know ALL of Kais friends and his family ( his mum does not like me but oh well..his dad is okay and his sister) I talk to his auntie all that.

IF YOU ARE ENGAGED YOU should KNOW HIS FRIENDS all of them. To me YOU are a dirty little secret and the more and more this story comes out the more I think he has someone else and never told you or was to scared to.

Something is so wrong with this picture sweetie BIG TIME WRONG. I hope you sit and look over EVERYTHING.

Because if you weighed the bad list to the good list of your relationship..its more bad then good from what you posted.

HUGS and BE SAFE!

[coria1988 0]

Well, I know that he has not had any contact because his half sister once wrote me and told me that she is pregnant and that he did not answer his phone. He does not like his family and he once told that Walls too. Walls has just told me lately. So why would he tell walls that he did not like them when he does? He grew up at his grandmas house and his mom just came and picked him up to get the money. His dad treated him like a slave. He had to work hard and that is what he is good at but he did not receive any love of his dad...It was his dad step daugther (his half-sister) who was his favorite and then she tried to kill herself years ago...

Like I said he does not have that much friends...just the ones from the army and he barely has contact no more to the ones in Germany and over there he has some...not alot but I have never talked to them...He once wanted to introduce me to one of them when he (my fiancés friend) had a party at his place (on post) but they did not let me in. I was not allowed to go on base...

Okay, just some days ago his half-sister wrote him that Wendy died.

Wendy was a good friend of him years ago. She got stabbed.

And he said that he wrote her back that he was sorry and that he wanted to know what happened.

That's it!

Edited November 20, 2008 by coria1988

[nane1104 146]

Hi Coria,

I have been following this thread all along but now I feel I should write you as well.

Like others have said it already, it totally sounds like he is giving you a bunch of excuses. From my own personal experience I need to tell you, please be very careful what you are getting into. I used to date a soldier before and it scares me how similar your story sounds to mine.

To get straight to the point: I was "laid off" for the holidays because he spent it wih another woman! And yepp, heard from him again on Jan 2 when she had left again!

I had already booked a flight to the US to be with him when he 'disappeared'. He sounded like your guy, wasn't sure anymore and when he realized that it was almost to late to tell me, he rather stopped talking to me altogether.

I was devastated, had quit my job already, but life went on and eventually I met my now husband.

I don't know what your guy really is up to, but his excuses don't make sense and his plan to reduce communication with you, is total bs! How will he figure it out if he doesn't talk to you?

I think he already made up his mind but doesn't have the balls to tell you.

I hope though, I am all wrong and your story has a happy ending!!!

'

[Sherri and Matt 1]

The "if you love something set it free" thing has been mentioned several times in this thread. What about the "actions speak louder than words" thing?

I know it hurts, but listen to your gut, the same gut that started telling you months ago something was wrong. The truth hurts so much and that makes it very difficult to face, but is it better to drag out all your pain and heartache, or to just get it over with? He is being incredibly cruel to hurt you like this and keep stringing you along. Bottom line, he is no longer sure he wants to be with you, does not even say he loves you, and something else is going on. I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you, but you already have your answer, you don't need to wait until Jan 2 to find out.

[Cham 3]

The "if you love something set it free" thing has been mentioned several times in this thread. What about the "actions speak louder than words" thing?

I know it hurts, but listen to your gut, the same gut that started telling you months ago something was wrong. The truth hurts so much and that makes it very difficult to face, but is it better to drag out all your pain and heartache, or to just get it over with? He is being incredibly cruel to hurt you like this and keep stringing you along. Bottom line, he is no longer sure he wants to be with you, does not even say he loves you, and something else is going on. I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you, but you already have your answer, you don't need to wait until Jan 2 to find out.

I said and agree with this

Deep down you know the answer. I know you do not like it but I will say it. He is only one guy in a sea of incredible men. Not every man is rude and crual like this. You are not his door mat as I told you before. YOU are better then this and deserve way more then the scraps he is tossing at you.

[DanielParul 50]

Well, I know that he has not had any contact because his half sister once wrote me and told me that she is pregnant and that he did not answer his phone. He does not like his family and he once told that Walls too. Walls has just told me lately. So why would he tell walls that he did not like them when he does? He grew up at his grandmas house and his mom just came and picked him up to get the money. His dad treated him like a slave. He had to work hard and that is what he is good at but he did not receive any love of his dad...It was his dad step daugther (his half-sister) who was his favorite and then she tried to kill herself years ago...

Like I said he does not have that much friends...just the ones from the army and he barely has contact no more to the ones in Germany and over there he has some...not alot but I have never talked to them...He once wanted to introduce me to one of them when he (my fiancés friend) had a party at his place (on post) but they did not let me in. I was not allowed to go on base...

Okay, just some days ago his half-sister wrote him that Wendy died.

Wendy was a good friend of him years ago. She got stabbed.

And he said that he wrote her back that he was sorry and that he wanted to know what happened.

That's it!

Coria, I do not want to be too hard on you right now. It seems like you are closing your eyes to everything that is wrong with the relationship here -

1. He does not care enough about your feelings.

2. Does not even give you the respect of being his fiancee and sharing his secrets with you.

3. Has not encouraged you to talk to friends and family (whatever he has).

4. Whatever little expectation you have from him put him under pressure and stress him out.

Its good to love somebody with all your heart but, God wants you to love yourself more than anybody else. Unless you love yourself enough no not take this behavior from him, TRUST ME, its how you will be treated all your life coz its so convenient for him - have you in his life when he wants to and shut you out when he doesn't want you. A relationship is a lot more than this and you need a wake up call right now. Don't close your eyes to this BS and atleast stand up for yourself and tell him that you will not take it. You don't have his love right now atleast get his respect for being a strong woman and maybe he will realise what an a$$ he is being right now

[Chelle62 0]

as you know Coria, I am so sorry for your situation and at first I got very defensive with the things that others were telling you , but in the end as I read them over and over again , my eyes have opened up to my situation. My guy isnt making excuses , he is talking to me but inside I have bent over backwards to please him and along the way I forgot about myself. I know there is noone else in his life as we are together right now but I do believe he gets scared and runs, he did it once so inside of me is always thinking if I say something wrong, do something wrong, pressure him that he might run again and this is silly of me. I didnt realize it until I read what advice others are giving you.

So in 11 days I get on a plane, I kiss him goodbye and tell him I love him and that if he wants me he knows where I am. We continue with the process and get our visa and then the choice is his. I cant do anything to make him want to come, I cant do anything to make him love me.. He either does or he doesnt. I am now going to go with my advice and I am going to set him free and if he returns to me then I will know in my heart that it is meant to be and I will finally know without wondering if it is true.

So even though this is a bad time for you and I am sending you big hugs sweetie , the advice people are giving is real and is good stuff.

The holidays are amongst us... like you I will be without my love and I will also be wondering if he is going to really come home to me when the visa is finished.. He says yes.. but as someone said earlier , actions speak louder then words. So I am going home and I am going to work on me and my girls and my life and if he wants to be apart of it then I will welcome him with open arms.

Enjoy your family during these times as I will be doing that also. Dont cry anymore, wipe the tears and take care of you instead of worrying about him. He will be just fine , I pray that things work out for you the way you want them to and I am always here if you need to chat.

Hugs

Chelle

[DanielParul 50]

as you know Coria, I am so sorry for your situation and at first I got very defensive with the things that others were telling you , but in the end as I read them over and over again , my eyes have opened up to my situation. My guy isnt making excuses , he is talking to me but inside I have bent over backwards to please him and along the way I forgot about myself. I know there is noone else in his life as we are together right now but I do believe he gets scared and runs, he did it once so inside of me is always thinking if I say something wrong, do something wrong, pressure him that he might run again and this is silly of me. I didnt realize it until I read what advice others are giving you.

So in 11 days I get on a plane, I kiss him goodbye and tell him I love him and that if he wants me he knows where I am. We continue with the process and get our visa and then the choice is his. I cant do anything to make him want to come, I cant do anything to make him love me.. He either does or he doesnt. I am now going to go with my advice and I am going to set him free and if he returns to me then I will know in my heart that it is meant to be and I will finally know without wondering if it is true.

So even though this is a bad time for you and I am sending you big hugs sweetie , the advice people are giving is real and is good stuff.

The holidays are amongst us... like you I will be without my love and I will also be wondering if he is going to really come home to me when the visa is finished.. He says yes.. but as someone said earlier , actions speak louder then words. So I am going home and I am going to work on me and my girls and my life and if he wants to be apart of it then I will welcome him with open arms.

Enjoy your family during these times as I will be doing that also. Dont cry anymore, wipe the tears and take care of you instead of worrying about him. He will be just fine , I pray that things work out for you the way you want them to and I am always here if you need to chat.

Hugs

Chelle

Wishing all the happiness for you. You have taken the first step (the hardest)