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[mommymeow 0]

Hello,

I talked to him yesterday.

He told me that he was sorry and that he would let me know on January 2, 2009.

Yeah, weird he told me an exact date, huh? I asked him why he just picked that date and he told me because it is New Year. And he would hope to figure it out before. Now he made a "plan" to only talk to me three times a week (emailing) and once a week he would talk to me by phone. Well, I did feel that there was something wrong in October but I think it was his fear of not knowing what will happen to me when I am in the States all alone in case he has to leave. I told him before that I would be very sad if he had to leave and that I could go to France or Spain during that time in order to improve my language skills. I also said that this would not work because I could not just leave the country when he gets deployed early, I would need to have an Advance Parole. Plus, I have always been more worried about the crime over there. I know the area I live in, where to go and where not to go. So I think at that moment back then when he heard that he might get deployed he wanted to protect me from all of this. He wanted to come to Germany and get married here but he does not have more than 10 leave days. So, as I did not know alot about the Advance Parole, I called USCIS and informed myself. After telling him that it should not take a long time to get it he agreed that I should go to the interview. I think I really made him crazy about that...I have always said: "But the apartment has to be in a good area." "Is there a lot of crime?". I was just worried but I have always wanted to go there. Maybe I was just scared because I do not know how it really is over there. I have been there for three weeks and that was it.

He told me that it really just started last weekend this weird feeling. I have read to him the following poem which I looked for two weeks ago, in case I could not tell him no more. It was so true and it is such a nice poem. Okay, now I want to share it with you guys.

There's a special place in my heart

that only you can touch -

a place where I can go and feel you near.

Throughout the day I think of you.

I see your smile, hear your voice

and in my thoughts you lovingly appear.

The way we love each other

makes it hard to be apart

so when I can't hold you in my arms,

I hold you in my heart.

Hay un lugar especial en mi corazón

Que solo tu puedes tocar

Un lugar donde puedo ir y te siento cerca

Durante el dia pienso en ti.

Miro tu sonrisa, oigo tú voz

Y en mi pensiamentos apareces amorosamente

La manera en que nos amamos uno a otro

Hace más dificil estar separados.

Por eso aunque no te puedo tener en mi brazos

Yo te tengo en mi corazòn.

I did not write it myself because I suck at it but when I read that poem I just had to take it because it is/was (?) so true. I even got the spanish version...I wanted to do it like a present with both versions. He is born in the States but has mexican ancestors so he does speak spanish. When I read it to him, he was all quiet and I do not even know if he said anything afterwards. I think he did not say anything. The connection was bad, I barely heard him.

He said that he did not know what the answer will be at the end but that he thought it would be good. That he thinks he would decide for me (he said it differently as a response to my question) but that he was not 100 % sure as he feels so weird. I am really sorry for him feeling so weird and it hurts me to see that he is not doing good either but I somehow think "He got us in that situation". I know it is dumb to think that and I am sorry and I don't really know what to say on the phone. When I told him what I was thinking about lately, about our future, it just put pressure on him. He did not know how but he said that he could feel that it puts pressure on him. So what should I say? That I am so happy and having fun every single minute waiting for his decision? I hope next time it will be better...I was a bit relaxed when I called him but then I just started crying, I was happy to hear him, but it made me cry too. I also felt so weird yesterday, first I felt SAD SAD SAD then just empty like the world is passing by and I do not know whether to be sad or happy (I did not like that at all) and then I was SAD again...

I told him that we do whatever is best for him. If he wants to talk to me we do, otherwise we dont. I did not know what to say and I do not want to upset him more...

Well, I hope you all have a great day. I have to go to work.

Thanks for your support guys.

From what I read here, I think he is in alot of pressure. I have to tell you that I have been on this road before when my husband just moved back from here to the US. He had to start everything all over again and he was in a lot of pressure looking for job, place to live and he didn't know what his feeling was. All I could do was giving him some time to think over about things and let him had the time he needed. I didn't push him on anything. Eventually thing turned out real good. I do believe that when people are in high pressure, they can't think straight and they need some time to sit back with themself and see things clearly. If he loves you, he will eventually come back to you. (just from my experience) But I know that everyone and every situation is not always the same.

I do wish you all the best

[canadian_wife 1,827]

From what you are saying, it sounds like he's under a lot of pressure and wants to make sure he's making the best decision. But what bothers me is the exact date he gave you.

How are YOU feeling? What do YOU think about all of this? You write a lot about what he says and what he wants. But what do YOU want?

[sasha414 0]

giving you an exact date is weird . making you wait and emotionally stressed out especially over the xmas holidays is even weirder. i hope you are ok, keep praying.

[coria1988 0]

I have never meant to put him under so much pressure (if that's what it is).

I just wanted to make sure that I will be alright all alone in a foreign country.

I feel so bad, I did not mean to do that to him. And he could have told me.

I just thought that it's okay for me to tell him that in order to find the best apartment in a good area and all that ...

I feel left alone and I wonder what I did wrong. And his answer is: You did not do anything wrong. But how could that happen then?

I would like us to just be happy again and be ready to plan our future together. I do not like that he gives me 6 weeks to wait for an answer. I think it is really bad. But I have to do it because that's how he wants it. And I made a "plan" before which he did not like, so he made a "plan" and I was ok with. Just because I have to be ok with it. What if I say that he has to give me an answer sooner? What will it do to him? I dont know, so I just take it and wait and hope it turns out well. I would like to see him as soon as possible. I suggested him that I visit him in December and stay in a hotel for that time. Like that we can be together but still apart if he wants to be. Because he can always go back to the barracks. But he did not like that idea. He wants me to wait and figure it out by himself. So there is nothing I can do about it but wait ...

[LoriLawless 0]

I've been following this thread hoping for better news. Nothing anyone says will make you feel better, you're going to have all of these questions no matter what.

Bottom line is that everybody would deal with this differently, and you have to look inside your heart for the right answer. Sounds like you've made your mind up to wait, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I wish you all the best sweetheart, I hope things (whichever way they go) work out for the best for you both.

[Beautiful_years 0]

Sweet Coria.

He picked a Date? Reduced communication? Thats not what people do when they want to figure things out with their loved ones, not that i have seen or experienced, the distance is enough stress, suddenly i dont feel too good about happy endings anymore!

Meanwhile, maybe you did put pressure on him about getting a good place to live and all that, it would have been easier to say, but all that is in the past now, though there really aint nothing wrong with wanting to be safe.

All i can say now is its really horrible that he ll place you in a limbo not knowing what it will be by january 2nd!!! for christ sakes from now till january 2nd???

He doesnt want you to have a good holiday or what? How can you sleep at night? and when he says he is sure it will be good in the end, what kind of good? good is relative, he can say for our own good its better we dont go thru with it, i wont be around and might be deployed bla bla bla, i might not be happy knowing you ll be alone while i'm away bla bla bla, or dont think i want to get married anymore or yet, would that be good enough for you?

Arm yourself, try finding things that makes you happy and prepare yourself in eventuality for what happens, dont put pressure on him anymore, let him lead while you follow.

Or alternatively, stop hurting and demand an answer now, if you are not sure about us now, when will you be, love is equally yoked and shared, if you have doubts and cant pull through and want to work through it its understandable but he should let you know so you can either be happy now or cry all you can and move on.

For me right now il say "tell me what it is" i have a lot of pressure on me too! waiting on you all day and night, crying myself to sleep not being happy for anything anymore and hanging by the thread not knowing what will happen.

I am very emotional and sincerely, i feel for you and know how draining it can be emotionally, get it over with, you are as much of a human being as he is!

If you decide to wait then.... get him off your mind a bit, place him on hold too, find a way to make you happy not miserable, cos january 2nd...is a long long wait baby!

Edited November 19, 2008 by Beautiful_years

[ILovemy Dogs 0]

Hi Coria,,

I always read this post and the people who always there for you,,I am so sorry what you experienced now,,

I hope you ok now,Just pray to God..

maybe he just waiting a final date if he will be deployed or not?

can you go to US to spend christmas with him if he wants,but as what I saw here he wants you to wait until January,2..

my Fiance is going back to US on January from korea,but he will spend his holiday(christmas and New Year)here in Philippines again,,

My Fiance said relax and be strong,everything will be alright,,

:yes:

keep posting here girl and I can't wait to hear the good news from you,,

I have never meant to put him under so much pressure (if that's what it is).

I just wanted to make sure that I will be alright all alone in a foreign country.

I feel so bad, I did not mean to do that to him. And he could have told me.

I just thought that it's okay for me to tell him that in order to find the best apartment in a good area and all that ...

I feel left alone and I wonder what I did wrong. And his answer is: You did not do anything wrong. But how could that happen then?

I would like us to just be happy again and be ready to plan our future together. I do not like that he gives me 6 weeks to wait for an answer. I think it is really bad. But I have to do it because that's how he wants it. And I made a "plan" before which he did not like, so he made a "plan" and I was ok with. Just because I have to be ok with it. What if I say that he has to give me an answer sooner? What will it do to him? I dont know, so I just take it and wait and hope it turns out well. I would like to see him as soon as possible. I suggested him that I visit him in December and stay in a hotel for that time. Like that we can be together but still apart if he wants to be. Because he can always go back to the barracks. But he did not like that idea. He wants me to wait and figure it out by himself. So there is nothing I can do about it but wait ...

[DanielParul 50]

I have never meant to put him under so much pressure (if that's what it is).

I just wanted to make sure that I will be alright all alone in a foreign country.

I feel so bad, I did not mean to do that to him. And he could have told me.

I just thought that it's okay for me to tell him that in order to find the best apartment in a good area and all that ...

I feel left alone and I wonder what I did wrong. And his answer is: You did not do anything wrong. But how could that happen then?

I would like us to just be happy again and be ready to plan our future together. I do not like that he gives me 6 weeks to wait for an answer. I think it is really bad. But I have to do it because that's how he wants it. And I made a "plan" before which he did not like, so he made a "plan" and I was ok with. Just because I have to be ok with it. What if I say that he has to give me an answer sooner? What will it do to him? I dont know, so I just take it and wait and hope it turns out well. I would like to see him as soon as possible. I suggested him that I visit him in December and stay in a hotel for that time. Like that we can be together but still apart if he wants to be. Because he can always go back to the barracks. But he did not like that idea. He wants me to wait and figure it out by himself. So there is nothing I can do about it but wait ...

I feel for you The only thing I am concerned about is he says that he needs time, he feels that u r putting him under pressure, he gave you a date - Everything is about him right now and he's not even communicating. When the communication breaks down, there is very little the other person can do to help. In your case, the 2 of you planned to spend your lives together and if he is not going to include you in his thoughts and feelings and try to understand what it does to you then its going to be a very difficult and long life ahead. I can understand that he is under pressure maybe because of being in the military, but there are so many of us in the same boat with separations, deployments, looking for work etc and cutting off communication with your partner is not the solution to that problem.

I really hope that he comes around but when he does will you just accept it or will you wonder if he's under pressure again ever, will he not let you be a part of it again? I only see lack of consideration for your feelings on his part right now and that can mean a lot later in life. I pray you find whats good for you.

[coria1988 0]

Hello,

He did not say that I put him under pressure. I told him about the future yesterday how I thought it would be and then he told me that this would put pressure on him. He did not say that put pressure on him before. Maybe I did but he always seemed like the stronger one out of the two of us, so I thought I can tell him. Maybe it put alot of pressure on him without him realizing it...I do not know. I am sorry.

@analovesmarky

Nope, we won't spend christmas together. He does not want me to come. Like I said he thinks that he can only figure it out by himself. Without me ...

@DanielParul

Of what might he not let me part of again?

I just would hope that such a situation never arises again...

It feels so weird...I have been crying so much that now I can barely cry no more ... I just wait and hope that his decision will be made soon.

Really, I thank you so much for listening. And it must get boring listening to all that...

But as soon as I have any news I will let you know. =)

[MrsRowe 2]

Hello,

He did not say that I put him under pressure. I told him about the future yesterday how I thought it would be and then he told me that this would put pressure on him. He did not say that put pressure on him before. Maybe I did but he always seemed like the stronger one out of the two of us, so I thought I can tell him. Maybe it put alot of pressure on him without him realizing it...I do not know. I am sorry.

@analovesmarky

Nope, we won't spend christmas together. He does not want me to come. Like I said he thinks that he can only figure it out by himself. Without me ...

@DanielParul

Of what might he not let me part of again?

I just would hope that such a situation never arises again...

It feels so weird...I have been crying so much that now I can barely cry no more ... I just wait and hope that his decision will be made soon.

Really, I thank you so much for listening. And it must get boring listening to all that...

But as soon as I have any news I will let you know. =)

I am so sorry but it is very strange that he would give you an exact date. It sounds like there is more going on here.

[DanielParul 50]

I pray that it doesn't ever happen again for you Coria. But life has its challenges and there will be difficult times when you are together too (bills, jobs, kids etc) and I really hope he understands when they do, that you are his life partner and he needs to include you in handling the situation.

[Cham 3]

Hi sweetie.

I been thinking about you as well.

I think what he is doing is being a complete coward. IF he truly loved you or had some love for you left he would sit with you and talk this out. Sorry, but what he is doing is complete bullsh*t if you ask me and so not fair to you.

He is a very selfish person to make you sit and stress through the holidays and tell you communication is cut down as well. 3 times a week with emails and then once a week voice chatting! To me this is just mean and heartless!

I think I really made him crazy about that...I have always said: "But the apartment has to be in a good area." "Is there a lot of crime?". I was just worried but I have always wanted to go there. Maybe I was just scared because I do not know how it really is over there. I have been there for three weeks and that was it.

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR HIS SELFISH AND COWARDLY BEHAVIOR! You did NOTHING to deserve this. All you did was love him unconditionally and he cant even give you the decency to return it!!

He told me that it really just started last weekend this weird feeling.

I read your post to Kai and to my son Nathan and both have said the same thing. Either he does not want to be tied down because of the deployment in case something happens to him (WHICH he was willing to marry you BEFORE even KNOWING he would go since he is gun ho on the military from what you posted)

OR he has another girl OR some gal has been flirting hardcore with him and he is thinking *####### look what I will miss out on!* He probably is weighing his options...a good life with you and be with one woman or play around a bit and hope one day she will take me back.

He can tell you no there is no one else and I am not saying he has someone else.; BUT both of my exes said the same thing and guess what THERE was someone else:( JUST be prepared sweetie pie ..please!!

I did not write it myself because I suck at it but when I read that poem I just had to take it because it is/was (?) so true. I even got the spanish version...I wanted to do it like a present with both versions. He is born in the States but has mexican ancestors so he does speak spanish. When I read it to him, he was all quiet and I do not even know if he said anything afterwards. I think he did not say anything. The connection was bad, I barely heard him.

Honey I think DEEP down YOU know it was not the connection. We as women will sit and second guess our inner selves and think ..no no I believe him, I KNOW HIM. If we knew them so well we would never get our hearts broken. We want to believe the best about everyone. We never seem to listen to what our instinct is really telling us because our emotions cloud up what is true.

I know he heard you read it and I think you know the same thing. When they do not say anything is what bothers me. When they are silent after reading something like that it makes you feel like they do not care and he probably thought ####### how am I going to deal with this and feeling guilty.

He said that he did not know what the answer will be at the end but that he thought it would be good. That he thinks he would decide for me (he said it differently as a response to my question) but that he was not 100 % sure as he feels so weird. I am really sorry for him feeling so weird and it hurts me to see that he is not doing good either but I somehow think "He got us in that situation".

and YOU are right. HE got you in this situation and it is his responsibility to stand up to the plate and be a damn man and tell you. IT is BS to make you WAIT till after the holidays. WHAT? he thinks the blow to your heart will be better after that?

Sorry sweetie but my gut and so do others here after reading post wonder if he is not telling you a lie about there being someone else.

Nope, we won't spend christmas together. He does not want me to come. Like I said he thinks that he can only figure it out by himself. Without me

SEE..think about it girl..he does not WANT YOU TO GO BE WITH HIM FOR CHRISTMAS?? why???? are you some dirty little secret...does he have another fiance who is going through the same thing as you, is he gay...I mean my god! what secret is there that he does not even want to be with you this holiday at ALL!

Something is wrong with this picture BIG TIME because if I could be with kai and afford it he would be jumping up and down for joy and so would others...:(

IF it were me and like another poster stated..YOU SET THE DATE! This is YOUR life to. Either he stands up and talks to you like a man or HIDES like a coward. To me something is big time fishy funny in the hen house and Your man has been up to no good.

****I would tell him although you respect his decision YOU think it is very unfair to you and your heart to be made to wait so he wont feel so bad. If your going to end it with me, then end it so I can cry and rip my heart out and be able to move on with my life. IF your going to be with me then be with me, but do not make me sit and torture myself wondering if you even want me anymore.******

Seriously girl YOU need to get TOUGH and stand up for yourself..YOU are not a doormat and he is USING you like one by doing this..to me this is a form of mental abuse.

YOU have heaps of folks here who love you and worry about you and most of us think it is 100% unfair to YOU

BIG HUGS, PRAYERS AND LOVES!

Meri

Edited November 19, 2008 by Cham

[Jon&Lindsey 0]

Aww, Coria, I'm so sorry that he's being like this. I get that he is confused/needs to think, but he really needs that long - 6 weeks? And then names an exact date? To me, that's weird and selfish that it's all about how he feels, never mind about you and spoiling your Christmas being in this limbo. If you truly love someone, you think about them too, not just yourself. It doesn't seem like he is thinking about how you feel at all.

I can understand that he may feel under pressure about building a new life with you, but I really don't think you should blame yourself for putting him under pressure (if you even inadvertently did) - you would be giving up your whole life to be with him in a strange country, so it's not unreasonable for you to ask questions about where you will live, etc. Whenever anyone of us here moved to the US to be with our SO's, I bet the USC SO had to take more responsibility at first just because they knew more about the place, were already making money, were more set up than the immigrant, etc - the immigrant SO generally has to depend more on the US SO at first, they can't help it. If it was him moving to Germany (alone, not with the Army), I bet he would expect you to organize where you would live and other general stuff like that, because it was your country and you knew how things worked. I think that he is suddenly realizing the reality of the new responsibilities and changes in his life, as it truly seems real now that you have the visa. If he's not ready to do this, then I don't think he is really ready to be married. I don't think you have done anything wrong at all, please don't blame yourself for this.

Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Sweet Coria.

He picked a Date? Reduced communication? Thats not what people do when they want to figure things out with their loved ones, not that i have seen or experienced, the distance is enough stress, suddenly i dont feel too good about happy endings anymore!

Meanwhile, maybe you did put pressure on him about getting a good place to live and all that, it would have been easier to say, but all that is in the past now, though there really aint nothing wrong with wanting to be safe.

All i can say now is its really horrible that he ll place you in a limbo not knowing what it will be by january 2nd!!! for christ sakes from now till january 2nd???

He doesnt want you to have a good holiday or what? How can you sleep at night? and when he says he is sure it will be good in the end, what kind of good? good is relative, he can say for our own good its better we dont go thru with it, i wont be around and might be deployed bla bla bla, i might not be happy knowing you ll be alone while i'm away bla bla bla, or dont think i want to get married anymore or yet, would that be good enough for you?

Arm yourself, try finding things that makes you happy and prepare yourself in eventuality for what happens, dont put pressure on him anymore, let him lead while you follow.

Or alternatively, stop hurting and demand an answer now, if you are not sure about us now, when will you be, love is equally yoked and shared, if you have doubts and cant pull through and want to work through it its understandable but he should let you know so you can either be happy now or cry all you can and move on.

For me right now il say "tell me what it is" i have a lot of pressure on me too! waiting on you all day and night, crying myself to sleep not being happy for anything anymore and hanging by the thread not knowing what will happen.

I am very emotional and sincerely, i feel for you and know how draining it can be emotionally, get it over with, you are as much of a human being as he is!

If you decide to wait then.... get him off your mind a bit, place him on hold too, find a way to make you happy not miserable, cos january 2nd...is a long long wait baby!

sounds like another woman is coming to visit over x mas and new years and he wants to see how things work out first.......id be real quiet and stop emaling him and see what he does...i think there is someone else

[Kiv 32]

Coria,

Cry for the rest of this day or this week if you want, but put yourself a date to stop (yes like the date he gave you).

I hope he has a real good excuse to do this to you, because you asking for assurement that you will be in a safe place is absolutely right. Both of you have pressure on you, not just him, don't appologize for asking questions about your safety.

You are young I promise that if this guy does not wake up on time you still will find a wonderful person who won't make you feel this way.