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[bhajishah 4]

What a manipulator controller..why say all those words and leave it hanging to mess with your day and no response..He opened can of worms he need to finish the conversation there and then. Why the test he is mean. thats why. why worry what he got to say, he already saying it by his actions. Leave him alone and let him sit and think for long while. Go on your trip anyway.. enjoy with a friend. forget him. he obviously not worry about the ####### hell you are going through while waiting for explanationl. Mental abuse is as bad as physical..

[SunDrop 59]

He's a soldier. With respect to Coria, soldiers are trained to be unemotional and detached. A good soldier will view anyone who is not a colleague as a civilian. His role is to serve to defend and protect. Not love.

But he DID LOVE me and I am sure about that!!! Why do you say he does not love just because he is a soldier? =S

I don't doubt that he loves/ loved you. I wasn't expressing myself clearly. I meant in terms of his professional self, not his personal being. If he's in an environment where he's in a permanent state of 'professional being', he might be struggling with keeping perspective. And that is what I meant by trained to be. Hmmm, kinda of like a force of habit? People's perception does get warped by their immediate surroundings, especially if there's no relief. And he may be choosing to use his training to be detached, because confronting the truth is painful.

Why do you say that he might want an american girl?

I'm sorry, I wasn't suggesting that HE said that, I meant that it's the sort of thinking that he might be hearing from buddies. I know my SO has heard this. "What do you want to go through all that for, when there's plenty of choice here." Most of our SOs would say "plenty of choice, but not the one I've chosen!" but after a long separation, it's the kind of comment that can get under your skin. Hear it often enough and feel the distance long enough and one might start going "actually, yeah. why AM I doing this??" We're all human...

Why would he think now "why are we doing this" when we will receive the visa in a week? Nah, I do not think so...; )

Plenty of people feel this way all the time, even without visa journeys. It's what getting cold feet is about! It's a daunting thing, especially if you've not been able to live together because of nationalities. That's why I was suggesting approaching it as a mutual trial for the 3 months, so that you can get some idea of what being together is like. Maybe he just needs a reminding of what being literally with you is like and why he wants to be with you.

I'm sorry but that's cr@p! I was a soldier for eight years but I would never have behaved the way this guy is. I am also a very emotional person (always have been) and have never lost the ability to love. I was a good soldier too!

Please don't think that I'm suggesting that a good soldier is heartless and unfeeling. I'm also not condoning the way he's treating her. Keeping someone on tenterhooks isn't fair at all. It's actually emotionally abusive, what he's doing. "I'll call you when I want, I'll discuss the aspects I want, I'll express my hurt and make up my mind and you just have to wait for my decision." As an intellectual exercise though, I wonder whether training differs country to country in this regard. I've only had in depth discussions with US regular Army and Marines about this kind of thing. Any British squaddie has only ever said, "whatever you do, don't join the army!"

oh come on now. unemotional, detached? i sure musta missed those military taught classes during my 20 year stint.

Not quite sure how you can be trained to kill and not develop so kind of coping mechanism that involves emotional detachment. But hey, I'll admit, I'm only going on 2nd hand accounts....

So, apologies. I was totally wrong. Was trying to find a way for Coria to consider what was going on with her fiance that might be caused by his environment and professional immersion, rather than the simple truth that it sounds like he's treating her like cr@p and is mean to the core, irrespective.

Coria, I hope you and he can find a way to work this out. All I can do is offer you hugs and say talk as much as you can, it's the only way you'll get to the bottom of what's going on.

Warm wishes,

Tish

Edited November 17, 2008 by SunDrop

[SunDrop 59]

He's a soldier. With respect to Coria, soldiers are trained to be unemotional and detached. A good soldier will view anyone who is not a colleague as a civilian. His role is to serve to defend and protect. Not love.

oh come on now. unemotional, detached? i sure musta missed those military taught classes during my 20 year stint.

you obviously did. see? you should NOT love nessa or the baby. Bad army person, bad bad bad

apparently.

LOL - sheeesh. Cut a gal some slack... just an inch.. ok, how's about a millimeter. Look! Even spellt in americanish! I'm sawry!

[Jon&Lindsey 0]

I think it's awful how he is treating you, but maybe in his mind, he feels like he has to be honest with you, and that if he loves you, he owes you that. Now, I think in cases like this, consideration for the other person's feelings (ie not broaching the subject and leaving the SO on tenterhooks while you decide) trumps honesty, but maybe that's where he's coming from. If he is young and relatively inexperienced in relationships, he might feel that hinting like this is an easier/gentler way of breaking things off than coming straight out with it, and is also easier for him than having to have that conversation directly. However, I am NOT defending him, I think what he is doing is selfish and wrong.

It may be that now your visa process is finally over and you are almost together, the imminent changes in his life are suddenly seeming much more real and he's freaking out. Maybe it's been so long since you guys were together, that he has forgotten how good it is to be together, and is just focusing on the changes/responsibilities. Maybe once you're there, he'll calm down and realize it's really going to be great. I think you should go and give your relationship a final go, with the understanding that you'll leave before your I-94 expires if it's not working out. I wish you all the best.

[Ngoc-Anh 1]

Coria,

first of all I am really sorry to hear about that. But try to be realistic. If it start out like this already and you are not even in the US yet...what do

you expect when you get to the US? Listen to your heart but also try to be realistic the same time. Try to do yourself a favor and save yourself from

heartaches!!!

It is just not fair from him to let you hang in the air like this. And this has nothing to do with being a soldier or not!

Good luck!!!

[Dr. Obvious 49]

It may be that now your visa process is finally over and you are almost together, the imminent changes in his life are suddenly seeming much more real and he's freaking out. Maybe it's been so long since you guys were together, that he has forgotten how good it is to be together, and is just focusing on the changes/responsibilities. Maybe once you're there, he'll calm down and realize it's really going to be great. I think you should go and give your relationship a final go, with the understanding that you'll leave before your I-94 expires if it's not working out. I wish you all the best.

It is probably that. Second thoughts and cold feet. Marriage is a leap of faith in a lot of ways.

[2manypapers 0]

I am so sorry Coria.

Yes, obviously he did love you, as he began to plan a future with you.

Maybe he is just having cold feet.

I think he needs time to think, alone, and while I realize that this is a painful situation for you now, it could be much worse if you leave your country and family and then he changes his mind after your arrive, wedding or not.

If it were me, I would say, "Ok, I love you, thank you for letting me know that you are confused", and then that is it. No contact and be very busy, until he contacts you with something concrete.

For him to keep you in the dark, not knowing if you are broken up or that you should be packing for January, is thoughtless and cruel on his part. I feel he needed to be very clear with his feelings, before he made his announcement and kept you in limbo.

You are in my prayers.

2manypapers

[Cham 3]

I am so sorry Coria.

Yes, obviously he did love you, as he began to plan a future with you.

Maybe he is just having cold feet.

I think he needs time to think, alone, and while I realize that this is a painful situation for you now, it could be much worse if you leave your country and family and then he changes his mind after your arrive, wedding or not.

If it were me, I would say, "Ok, I love you, thank you for letting me know that you are confused", and then that is it. No contact and be very busy, until he contacts you with something concrete.

For him to keep you in the dark, not knowing if you are broken up or that you should be packing for January, is thoughtless and cruel on his part. I feel he needed to be very clear with his feelings, before he made his announcement and kept you in limbo.

You are in my prayers.

2manypapers

I agree it is very cold to leave you hanging and breaks my heart

HOPE YOUR OKAY!!

[sasha414 0]

i hope you're ok

[smiley888 0]

I am so sorry Coria.

Yes, obviously he did love you, as he began to plan a future with you.

Maybe he is just having cold feet.

I think he needs time to think, alone, and while I realize that this is a painful situation for you now, it could be much worse if you leave your country and family and then he changes his mind after your arrive, wedding or not.

If it were me, I would say, "Ok, I love you, thank you for letting me know that you are confused", and then that is it. No contact and be very busy, until he contacts you with something concrete.

For him to keep you in the dark, not knowing if you are broken up or that you should be packing for January, is thoughtless and cruel on his part. I feel he needed to be very clear with his feelings, before he made his announcement and kept you in limbo.

You are in my prayers.

2manypapers

I agree it is very cold to leave you hanging and breaks my heart

HOPE YOUR OKAY!!

I agree too!!! Cheer up girl... all will be fine ok.. There is someone really meant for you that will take care, love u truly and won't make you cry im so sure! God bless and be positive ok.. atleast you are not married with him yet like those who posted here in VJ before who wanted divorce and wanted to go home..

[tanyaru 3]

Okay I have talked to him now but he had to go back to work.

He told me that he is hurt and is sorry but he has to figure out what his heart is telling him.

He is so confused and I just have to wait and wait and wait until he tells me if he still loves me or not.

He told me that I was the greatest woman and that he was really sorry and just did not know what is

going on...but I do not either and I just have to wait.

To wait for an answer whether he still loves me or not...= (

My ex once told me the same thing. I left. He never came back. Later I discovered he had a kid and getting married to the mother, his ex. My husband told me the same thing once too. I left. He came back for me the next day and never let me go again. Morale: if he is the one he will make the move.

Hope it all works out the best for you.

[DanielParul 50]

He's a soldier. With respect to Coria, soldiers are trained to be unemotional and detached. A good soldier will view anyone who is not a colleague as a civilian. His role is to serve to defend and protect. Not love.

I'm sorry but that's cr@p! I was a soldier for eight years but I would never have behaved the way this guy is. I am also a very emotional person (always have been) and have never lost the ability to love. I was a good soldier too!

Soldiers are not trained to be unemotional - they are trained to do their jobs just like the rest of us. I am married to a soldier and he is the most expressive, emotional, attached and loving man in the world and he's a tough guy at work and a very good soldier too.

The OP's fiance acting the way he is has nothing to do with being trained to be that way. I think he's getting cold feet and wants to think it over without her influencing him. People can have cold feet, but the way he's treating her, is wrong.

To the OP - If this is how he is right now, then you might want to do some thinking too before you leave everything and move to the US depending on him for everything. All the best!

Sundrop, sorry too coz I actually posted a reply to your post and then read the entire thread. You already clarified!!

Edited November 18, 2008 by DanielParul

[coria1988 0]

Thanks for all your responses!!!

I could not sleep very well last night either.

I just wonder how this could have happened and how long he will need to finally give me an answer.

I also do not know how to behave? What should I say, I am confused...

It is so hard to see that there is no I LOVE YOU in his messages no more.

I wish I could understand what is going on with him but I just dont and I am so sorry.

I have not looked for a job and all I ever wanted was to live with him and have a good time together.

I know you might think I am stubborn but I just can't imagine to have any other guy but him.

He has been so caring and nice and has always tried to do his best.

Thanks again to all of you.

[Cham 3]

Thanks for all your responses!!!

I could not sleep very well last night either.

I just wonder how this could have happened and how long he will need to finally give me an answer.

I also do not know how to behave? What should I say, I am confused...

It is so hard to see that there is no I LOVE YOU in his messages no more.

I wish I could understand what is going on with him but I just dont and I am so sorry.

I have not looked for a job and all I ever wanted was to live with him and have a good time together.

I know you might think I am stubborn but I just can't imagine to have any other guy but him.

He has been so caring and nice and has always tried to do his best.

Thanks again to all of you.

Sweetie I am glad to see you are kinda okay. My best advice is let him be. Do not write him do not contact him do not do ANYTHING. The more you pressure him the more you will push him away.

To be honest with you. IF he is not saying I love you at all in your emails from him, I would think he is trying to let you go NICELY without coming across as the bad guy.

I had this happen to me 5 years ago. It was the same exact thing. BUT had it not happened I would not have met Kai.

SO things do happen for a reason, just some of those things are painful to deal with.

I realize you think he is so caring and so nice, but deep down I think you know what he is doing to you is being a jerk.

If he was so caring, so loving and so nice he would come out and be completely TRUTHFUL and HONEST with you and tell you RIGHT away, instead of making you wait like a dog for a bone.

If it were me sweetie I would not contact him at all! I know it is HARD, oh trust me I walked that road. It hurts, it sucks and it is horribly painful. YOU have to protect what is left of your breaking heart. God always has a reason.

Gods greatest gift are unanswered prayers.

BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meri

[mommymeow 0]

Thanks for all your responses!!!

I could not sleep very well last night either.

I just wonder how this could have happened and how long he will need to finally give me an answer.

I also do not know how to behave? What should I say, I am confused...

It is so hard to see that there is no I LOVE YOU in his messages no more.

I wish I could understand what is going on with him but I just dont and I am so sorry.

I have not looked for a job and all I ever wanted was to live with him and have a good time together.

I know you might think I am stubborn but I just can't imagine to have any other guy but him.

He has been so caring and nice and has always tried to do his best.

Thanks again to all of you.

I am sorry for what has happened to you. I know you are very anxious to hear what the answer would be. Just give him some time. I wish you all the best and hopefully hearing the good answer soon.