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[2manypapers 0]

Very good post Omoba.

Coria, nothing about what he has done has made this easier on you, except for maybe being somewhat honest with you before you left your country. I feel he should have spoken with you with more clarity and in a more respectful way.

I think your post touched the hearts of so many people because we all try so hard to be together. We have to prove through endless papers and then the interviews that we love each other and deserve the chance to be together.

We know about the loneliness, the dreams and the sheer joy when the visa is issued.

It is pretty difficult to be dreaming of a wedding, building a life together, moving to a new country and then imagining a life without him the next breath.

I know your situation is not what mine was, but I don't want it to be either.

My fear for you would be what happened to me. My husband never expressed doubts, he promised to be make me and my daughter the happiest woman/family on earth, even in his interview in the Embassy! My nightmare began before our wedding day was even over. I told myself he was nervous and it was just adjustment issues, but I was always trying to smooth his temper over and saying I am sorry, just to keep the peace. Seven weeks later, after many tears and terrifying moments, he was gone, leaving me and my daughter heartbroken, but relieved we were safe.

It is normal to want answers from your man, to answer your 'whys' and get a closure that makes sense. I lived that everyday for months, especially when my husband did so many things to destroy my life and my daughters, in order to benefit his own.

I just wanted you to know that I sympathize and understand some of what you are going though. I have been in the that dark place, where one day you had so much joy, waking up to frustration and pain so deep, that you feel like your life got hit by a tornado.

To me, it would be far more normal for him to want to see your pretty face even for 1 day to kiss you and hug you before he left, even if that was all the time he had.

(My Dad sat on a bus 24 hours to go home, married my Mom on Christmas Day, and left the next day and went back, when he was going overseas, they were married 52 years.)

It is more important to focus on how he is treating you in the present moment, with an eye to the future, even if he changes his mind in January. Respect, honor for your partner and communication are very important elements in a successful marriage. If he is having trouble saying he loves you now, he would have to be a very insensitive man not to understand that he is currently being very cruel to you.

You are in love, maybe you will never stop caring about what you had with him, but there are always special memories, even in my own marriage and I know that I loved him the best I could, no matter how he treated me. Love doesn't always have a happy ending.

I hope that you are feeling a little better, just know that you have lots of support here.

2manypapers

[LoriLawless 0]

Coria, I believe you are processing what you are reading and sometimes it may take a few days or even weeks to come to the realization that the relationship has not been what you wanted it to be.Sometimes we want something so bad that we build sand castles in the sky that are fantasies without substance.

It takes time to break up, it is a process.

It is normal to go through the different stages of grieving when faced with a loss of a relationship.

Shock, denial, bargaining, depression, then anger and and finally acceptance.

Some go through it faster, some slower, some repeat the circle several times.

Most here are older and have experience of how to walk away at the appropriate time, you are so young and learning.

Be gentle on yourself and keep reality going while trying to process that it is not what it seemed to be and that it is ok to move on when you are ready.

It helps to bounce things off the board and can be therapeutic with the right support.

I believe that in time you will do the right thing and will carry yourself with confidence that true love is out there, just not with this man.

Thank you Omoba! I think (maybe I know it!) that is just the way it is. I do not want it to be true and think about the past too much. How nice everything was. It is hard letting it go...

I am so sorry. I have been expecting you guys getting mad. But I have read every single advice and I did think about it. And I think I do just want to tell myself that some stuff is not true, that it can't be reality what is happening but it is. However, I want to know WHY?

I really thought about it and about what I will do next, career wise and everything. I also feel that I could not marry him no more if he came up telling me:"Hey baby, I love you and can't wait for you to come here" or something like that. And I somehow do know that there is no way no more because if I do not marry him we can't be together and we just could see us for visits. And who knows if he keeps lying to me....

It is not that I think the deployment is the reason. I was asking that because I considered him lying about the deployment. That he just mentioned it to cancel the visa. Maybe he is just to chicken-livered to tell me the f***ing truth and holds me on line.

If he told me what was going on I would be there for him but I guess I tried and there is nothing I can do no more but function like he wants it....And that is not how I want to work!

I do think everything over. I just can't take my decision withing a day. However, I am pretty sure what my decision will be and how it will end up...

Everything will be good. And this time I do not mean that it will be good because he tells me that he loves me still but rather that I will move on...And I do hope that when I take that decision that it will be the right one...

Have a wonderful day!!!

Honey I went through something similar not long ago. It took me a few months to finally let go. It takes a while, so take your time and make the decision that's right for you when the time is right.

[JeanneVictoria 55]

Sweetie, I think there is only one question you should ask yourself. Do I really want to spend

the rest of my life with this man KNOWING how he is now. Open your eyes and see him HOW he really is....not how you want him to be.

I'm so sorry for this heartache he is causing you. You deserve better. Always respect yourself.

[nane1104 146]

When my brother was being deployed to Iraq.. He called me to tell me he was appointing me his personal representative... I asked him if he was being deployed and he told me he could not tell me.... I then asked him when he was leaving... He said he could not tell me that... I then asked him how much time did he have to get his personal affairs in order... He responded.. I can tell you that.. I have two weeks....

I do not know if that is a standard situation or not as to what they can sya or not say...

deployments fall under operational security and people are cautioned not to tell anyone when, where, or even if they are going.

The Ten OPSEC Points:

Don’t discuss future destinations or ports of call!

Don’t discuss future operations or missions!

Don’t discuss dates and times of when we will be in port or conducting exercises!

Don’t discuss readiness issues and numbers!

Don’t discuss specific training equipment!

Don’t discuss people’s names and billets in conjunction with operations!

Don’t speculate about future operations!

Don’t spread rumors about operations!

Don’t assume the enemy is not trying to collect information on you so he can kill you, he is!

Be smart, use your head, and always think OPSEC when using email or phone!

Basically- never share SPECIFIC information, but of course he can let you know whether he gets deployed or not and even where.

[Ta Ta 1]

But do discuss :

Honey I am being deployed and if that happens I am not ready to marry. I will find out on Jan. 2.

I love you but my mind can not handle all the responsibilities that I would have to face.

I am so sorry for not realizing this before the long visa process.

What can we do to now if we still love each other ? I need your input.

[mrsartis 10]

very nice OMOBA I really liked it..

anyways.. coria coria.. i have been following this for a month now, and here is my advise to you i hope you keep iy at heart coz i really mean well...

try not to email him anymore.. (he asked for the space---give it)

if he calls, answer but try not to sound too excited..

DONT call--> you said let go right?

if you keep on bugging him, even you feel youa re not pushing him or putting pressure on him, he will the same (pressure)

if he didnt call again (it only mean one thing)--- then you can move on.. hard but doable..

[baxxy 0]

I am so sorry but it is very strange that he would give you an exact date. It sounds like there is more going on here.

I agree with this theory. Have you ever thought of telling him you can't wait that long to see what his response would be? Giving you an exact date is very strange. Maybe he wants you to get sick of the waiting around and the drop in communication, that way he could say it was you that ended it and not him and therefore getting him off the hook. Guys do things like that, I know, we don't want to devastate you with the news that you are not the one, so we try to beat around the bush and hope that you dump us instead. I hope i'm wrong, but its something to think about.

[baxxy 0]

When my brother was being deployed to Iraq.. He called me to tell me he was appointing me his personal representative... I asked him if he was being deployed and he told me he could not tell me.... I then asked him when he was leaving... He said he could not tell me that... I then asked him how much time did he have to get his personal affairs in order... He responded.. I can tell you that.. I have two weeks....

I do not know if that is a standard situation or not as to what they can sya or not say...

deployments fall under operational security and people are cautioned not to tell anyone when, where, or even if they are going.

Sure they can, I have several friends in the Marines and the Army and they always tell me when they're going, maybe not the exact date or exact location but I'm always aware of the month they're going, there's no secret there.

Edited November 24, 2008 by baxxy

[Ban Hammer 13,491]

But do discuss :

Honey I am being deployed and if that happens I am not ready to marry. I will find out on Jan. 2.

I love you but my mind can not handle all the responsibilities that I would have to face.

I am so sorry for not realizing this before the long visa process.

What can we do to now if we still love each other ? I need your input.

what's stuck out to me about this is the 2 jan bit - that is usually the first day back at work for the military, which makes me think this is somehow military related.

When my brother was being deployed to Iraq.. He called me to tell me he was appointing me his personal representative... I asked him if he was being deployed and he told me he could not tell me.... I then asked him when he was leaving... He said he could not tell me that... I then asked him how much time did he have to get his personal affairs in order... He responded.. I can tell you that.. I have two weeks....

I do not know if that is a standard situation or not as to what they can sya or not say...

deployments fall under operational security and people are cautioned not to tell anyone when, where, or even if they are going.

Sure they can, I have several friends in the Marines and the Army and they always tell me when they're going, maybe not the exact date or exact location but I'm always aware of the month they're going, there's no secret there.

as you pointed out, sure, they can. however, they can also face ucmj action if that gets back to their chain of command.

[msnoob 3]

First let me say that I am very sympathetic that you are going through a very difficult situation. There is a lot of advice and assumptions in this thread and I will add my two cents for what it's worth.

It's sometimes hard to analyze an individual when you are with them all the time. It's impossible to analyze an individual based on a few email messages. Therefore, I won't make an attempt to analyze your fiance or the reason behind his messages. You know him best and you know whether this current chain of events is normal or abnormal. You know the ends and outs of your relationship and how you feel about him. More importantly, you know how you think he feels about you. You possess the answers that you seek. You may want reassurance that what you feel is correct... but you know what's in your heart... what your intuition is telling you.

I wish you all the best in your situation. The only recommendation I could possibly give is to discuss it with your fiance and look inside yourself to determine what is best for you!!

All the best...

[wifetobe 2]

Hi Coria,

I know you are not going to like me much for what I have to say but I am not at all impressed by his behaviour. Shame on him for putting you through this. OK, fair enough, I can understand being scared of making the right decision and especially now the time for you to be together is approaching fast. But what he should have done is to sort himself out, find the answers he's searching for and then tell you. It is unkind, to put it mildly, of him to keep you hanging on like that. You have feelings too and it must be absolutely devastating to know that he has doubts whether he loves you or not. I so feel for you and can't tell you how sorry I am you are going through this. He can count himself lucky that I don't know him... he needs to learn how to be more considerate and respectful of other people and their feelings. After all, you should be the most important person to him. Even, G-d forbid, it comes to that that he says he's not sure he can go through this with you; he should have been more compassionate about the whole situation. I am sorry but this whole situation is making me so mad and sad at the same time... We can't make somebody love us...

I sincerely hope both of you will learn from this and that this situation will resolve itself for the best. Wishing you the very best.

Well said luv.

[coria1988 0]

Hello everyone!

I just wanted to let you know the NEWS.

I am single. We are not together anymore....

It just hurts sooooo much.

Today we have been a couple for one year and nine months.

Well, now it is over.

He said that he was sorry...

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Sorry you are going through this. Best wishes for a new start for yourself in the new year.

[SunDrop 59]

Hello everyone!

I just wanted to let you know the NEWS.

I am single. We are not together anymore....

It just hurts sooooo much.

Today we have been a couple for one year and nine months.

Well, now it is over.

He said that he was sorry...

((((((Coria))))))

I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you give yourself time to heal. I wish I could send you a large pot of ice cream, but the only thing I can pass on is a cyber hug! Take care of yourself...

[chavelle 6]

Hello everyone!

I just wanted to let you know the NEWS.

I am single. We are not together anymore....

It just hurts sooooo much.

Today we have been a couple for one year and nine months.

Well, now it is over.

He said that he was sorry...

Sweetie,I am sooooo sorry about what had happened to you! I know it is hard now,but I am sure that in a few months you will thank this animal for what he has done.You are still very young.I am sure that you will find the right person. I agree with a lot of the comments here.This dude does not deserve you.