He's driving me crazy

[Jenn! 918]

Some people are able to drop into an unfamiliar situation and need no help. Others aren't. I know if I ever moved to Egypt, I'd need a whole heck of a lot of help settling in.

I think this is a good point. I know I'm the type who wants very little help. It tends to make me less tolerant of those who do. Differences in personalities and/or culture I'd guess.

It sounds like the OP is more of the type who wouldn't need/want a lot of help herself so it's disorienting when your partner does need/want help.

To the OP I'd say that it will be a matter of striking that perfect balance of being a guide vs. being someone who does everything herself.

Best of luck! It sure is a challenge...

[Let it Be 0]

I would give anything to be in your shoes right now....

[*JG* 2]

My thoughts are that his life is so out of his control right now, he's using his actions and questions to try and regain some of that control. It will all taper down eventually.

Just hang in there.

[amal 4]

One of the things we all can never recommend enough is PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE is soooooooooooooooooooooo much needed when our SO's first arrive. It is reeeeeeeeally trying on us because we already have plans, have things to do, jobs to do, lives to schedule, and then here they come and depend on us for every minute detail. It's HARD not only for them but for us, equally as much.

We have to be patient because they really have no idea what this country is all about and when they get here it is a large reality slap in the face. They soon realize life in America isn't the gold paved streets that they think it was. They now have to learn to communicate with not only you but all of America. They realize how much they DON'T have perfect English and talking on the phone is very intimidating at first. Every detail of American life is intimidating to them and we are the only people they can turn to is us.

When we petition for anyone from a foreign country to come live in the USA with us, we have to remember that they have left everything that they know as normal, and come to a whole country that they barely can communicate in.

It is very important to encourage them to do things on their own but also to be understanding of their fears of doing new things in unfamiliar territory, in a language that they peck through with a bit of difficulty. Everything from using the bathroom to using a can opener can be totally unknown to them and trust me..it tries the patience like crazy.

There were days that I wondered what the heck I'd gotten myself in to because I just couldn't take any more questions. It even got to the point that we were arguing over small things. Sorry if I'm rambling but there are just soooooo many things I want to say and I can't get them all typed in fast enough. I guess I'm just saying that what is going on is very very normal and the best thing you can do is talk to ppl who understand what ur going through (we in vj are a great bunch who understand this situation) and try your best to have the patience of Job.

If you need anything or just want to vent or talk, please do not hesitate to PM me any time. Don't feel alone though. It will all slowly even out as he learns the ways and begins getting more comfortable.

amal

[sj5 4]

I get tons of questions and even some that I think he thinks I have ESP. If we're watching a movie..."Why are they doing that"?, "What are they going to do next"? On the street as we're driving "Why do those guys have long hair"?, "Why are those girls wearing short shorts"? I tell him "If I knew I'd tell ya" but jjjjjjeeeeeeezzzz there has to be a better response to it than that!!!

I remember walking to a mosque in Cambridge when he first got here and we passed a Whole Foods and in the pkg lot was a couple standing in the middle making out. I wasn't aware of what was going on so I was just walking when all of a sudden I realized my husband had stopped and was staring at them for the longest time!!! I was so embarassed and bewildered so I asked, "what the heck are you doing??? it's not polite to stare!!!" and he just had this deer in the headlights look about him and asked, "why can't they wait?".

I was like "wait for what? what do you mean?" and he said "wait a few minutes to get home and kiss like that".

[belinda63 3,038]

Thanks everyone for a few laughs and a few insights. I think some misunderstood what I was complaining about, it's not the questions I can answer but the impossible ones that I'm like how the heck should i know how much United will pay you for ur bag, or which airline is cheapest, or which state has the cheapest cars.

I am trying my best but it doesn't help when he says "why don't you know".. the shell answer woman I am not.

Thanks Nutty, I am slowly pushing him out of the nest and when he starts working maybe he will become more self reliant. I asked him, if you won't talk on the phone to someone how do u expect to get a job?

Thanks for the laughs and I will keep an eye on the sofa.

[maggieNomar 0]

Amal: Espeically when they come from a life of do whatever whenever to we have to get to this appt or interview on time!!!

Edited November 15, 2008 by Maggie724

[maggieNomar 0]

Aww... it will get better, Belinda.

in the beginning i sent mine out on a lot of errands, to the mosque, to English class...

But just consider that him asking questions might be a blessing!

My husband doesn't ask any questions... he just does things...

like taking the sofa apart, just to see how it's put together???

too funny

Belinda: Try to find a compromise. He needs help to adjust and you need to take care of the responsibilities for now (until he can work). He didn't get a temp EAD? Our 'babies' grow up and become independent before you know it(just like kids) and you feel less needed. Mine doesn't need me to drive him around or help him find work anymore, and I kind of miss it.

[bhajishah 4]

oh why s end in about 8 months here..lets move comes up less and less.. LOL Houston hahaha same same!!!

[amal 4]

OH YEAH Houston....I've been there...and DOING that!!! After a short while in the USA, mine got the bright idea that Houston was where its all at. Be it jobs, cheaper prices, glory glory glory.....

I am a MISSOURIAN at heart and always will be...but... I had to suck it up and lose this battle because it caused more trouble than it was worth. I spent a whole year telling him what a mistake it would be to move here and look where we are and look at who is now struggling just like the "stupid wife" said they would be. YUP, US!! Houston is where it's at, yeah, if you have connections, friends, and a crapload of money to throw away on a possibility of starting ur own business....

oh man I got the soapbox out again, sorry I'll step off before I reeeeeeeally get into how I feel about living here.....

[merijan 0]

Perhaps he just wants to have conversation? I mean so many things are new to him. My hubby and I have a favorite past time of having coffee and people watching. So we talk all the time about little stuff.

[ksa2usa 0]

I think everyone's pretty much got it covered here...have patience.

You can't imagine what it's like for him. I've been here in Saudi for a year, and I'm pretty well adjusted now (still won't call places on the phone, though) but when I first got here I drove my husband crazy. I was devastated when he went back to work and back to life and I was chillin' in the house with my mother in law who speaks no English:) Good times, I tell ya. Thankfully I found a job after 2 weeks and it helped some.

Just try to put yourself in his position. There is alot of new stuff going on for him. Long hair on dudes and making out in parking lots might be old news to some of us, but to a person who has never heard of such a thing...it can be pretty traumatic.

Good luck to all of you who have adjusting husbands.

[amal 4]

I think everyone's pretty much got it covered here...have patience.

You can't imagine what it's like for him. I've been here in Saudi for a year, and I'm pretty well adjusted now (still won't call places on the phone, though) but when I first got here I drove my husband crazy. I was devastated when he went back to work and back to life and I was chillin' in the house with my mother in law who speaks no English I love my MIL and the rest of my new family sooooooo much but in all honesty, after about 3 days of nothing but arabic and having to ask what EVERYTHING meant if I wanted to be included in a conversation... I was about to lose my mind! I would have jumped at the chance to just have a chat with ANYBODY in English. I can't imagine not being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel and knowing that THIS was IT until I could get a job, make a living, provide for my family, AND be able to afford plane tickets home! It almost made reading the English dictionary look appealing Good times, I tell ya. Thankfully I found a job after 2 weeks and it helped some.

Just try to put yourself in his position. There is alot of new stuff going on for him. Long hair on dudes and making out in parking lots might be old news to some of us, but to a person who has never heard of such a thing...it can be pretty traumatic.

Good luck to all of you who have adjusting husbands.

[Imua 0]

I think everyone's pretty much got it covered here...have patience.

You can't imagine what it's like for him. I've been here in Saudi for a year, and I'm pretty well adjusted now (still won't call places on the phone, though) but when I first got here I drove my husband crazy. I was devastated when he went back to work and back to life and I was chillin' in the house with my mother in law who speaks no English I love my MIL and the rest of my new family sooooooo much but in all honesty, after about 3 days of nothing but arabic and having to ask what EVERYTHING meant if I wanted to be included in a conversation... I was about to lose my mind! I would have jumped at the chance to just have a chat with ANYBODY in English. I can't imagine not being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel and knowing that THIS was IT until I could get a job, make a living, provide for my family, AND be able to afford plane tickets home! It almost made reading the English dictionary look appealing Good times, I tell ya. Thankfully I found a job after 2 weeks and it helped some.

Just try to put yourself in his position. There is alot of new stuff going on for him. Long hair on dudes and making out in parking lots might be old news to some of us, but to a person who has never heard of such a thing...it can be pretty traumatic.

Good luck to all of you who have adjusting husbands.

Ugh, doncha hate that??? it was so frustrating being in the house alone with my MIL because she knows NO English and I know very little Nepali and I know she is worried because she is trusting me to take care of her only son in a strange place - I hope before i go there to bring him back that i can learn more Nepali but with my eye problems it is hard to study.

[KandD 1]

You could keep him busy by signing him up for some english classes while he's waiting for his work permit. This may help him overcome some of the insecurity.