Let's Talk .....

[ForeverAmen 0]

For the most part my husband is an easy going guy. Not a whole lot excites him (except soccer and going to church).

Last night I sat down with him to discuss Life Insurance. I wrote out our needs in the event of either one of us passing away soon, and or years and years down the line. Well ... you would have thought I told him that he is leaving this side of the earth tomorrow, and I need to profit from his death, or vice-versa! Keep in mind that I brought this up over a year ago, and even then I could pick up that he was out of his comfort zone. This past summer my family experienced a sudden, unexpected death. So my husband now knows of the work involved with planning a funeral, and settling an estate. So you would think that he would accept this as simply a part of life.

After explaining everything and how it works, he says "this is all material things, none of this matters"; "we don't need to take out such huge policies to pay for a house, etc., etc". My response to him was, "if I leave first (and in the near future) can you afford this house?" "NO! You are working, and enrolled in school and your salary alone cannot take care of the expenses. Therefore, this is why a policy is needed. Furthermore, when we have children they will need funds for their education". Anyway ... I could go on and on, but basically this is a narrative of the whole conversation. I'm the type who for the most part feel as though, 'it is what it is'. But for him, sometimes I think he's too sensitive.

Does anyone have topics of discussion that don't sit well with your SO?

Boaz

Edited November 14, 2008 by Boaz

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

This was a HUGE one with us as well. I think that Bassi doesn't like to think about or plan for death. I also find that going too far into the future to plan is not natural to him for whatever reason. So, I just do it and he usually signs off. If he has an strong opinion or disagrees he tells me. But I've come to realize that some things just don't work in his paradigm. I think his paradigm will shift, but we'll probably both be in a home focused on crafts by the time that happens, so I've adjusted how I operate. My ex went through a horrible fit of jealousy once he realized that we were actually divorced. (it took a re-marriage to hit home....the whole court thing must have been a dream) Well, it means we are in ongoing mediation and I need to have my affairs in order especially where the house and my daughter are concerned with an ex who has become nasty and vindictive. I've done up quite a bit of paperwork with Bassi balking all the way but signing off because he realizes he's in a new world and has to adjust. I've essentially told him, what needed to be done. He told me don't worry about it. I did all the paperwork with my attorney. Then sat with him and mentioned what was in all the paperwork. Then several weeks later told him again what was in all the paperwork and asked him what he thinks because I find that he usually needs time to process what I'm saying. He actually had a couple of things to say that I agreed with. I went back to the attorney and made some adjustments. Then spoke with other family members and close friends. Then had him sign the paperwork and it's done. It was A LOT more work for me. But I realize that's how we're going to work. At least right now.

Another one we have is children. God blessed me with a little girl. However, I have fertility issues. Was diagnosed when I was 19. When I talk about the medical process that may be necessary to conceive, he shuts down. So, I'm reverting to the let him know then let it simmer. Then talk to him about it again and ask him what he thinks. Then I'll probably make an appointment and tell him when to be there. lol! We seem to work out better that way and I think if I just adjust/bend to this way of doing things, we'll both function better. I can't change the man I married but I can easily adjust how I interact with him.

[Ricca711 1]

Hey,

We just had the same conversation in preparation for the AOS interview. My husbands reaction was, "Please sweetie, lets not talk about such things." LOL! Now, keep in mind that I am a licensed mortician so I see familes that literally have to wait until Auntie Tee Tee and Uncle Cecil come in from Alabama to write a big check or start the collection basket. This situation can be very embarassing for the family. So...I made an appointment for the State Farm Representative to come and speak with us. My husband made Joloff rice and iced tea. Of course the agent complimented his cooking and asked thousands of questions about Ghana. This put Samuel in a more relaxed state of mind and he felt involved and took the time to listen to the agent. Z was right...we cannot change our men or their reactions to things. So, I have learned the best thing to do is to move and wiggle my around those reactions. Remember this AOS and integration process stresses them out too.

Peace and Love

Erika

Edited November 14, 2008 by Ricca711

[ForeverAmen 0]

This was a HUGE one with us as well. I think that Bassi doesn't like to think about or plan for death. I also find that going too far into the future to plan is not natural to him for whatever reason. Same here. So, I just do it and he usually signs off. If he has an strong opinion or disagrees he tells me. But I've come to realize that some things just don't work in his paradigm. I think his paradigm will shift, but we'll probably both be in a home focused on crafts by the time that happens, so I've adjusted how I operate. My ex went through a horrible fit of jealousy once he realized that we were actually divorced. (it took a re-marriage to hit home....the whole court thing must have been a dream) Well, it means we are in ongoing mediation and I need to have my affairs in order especially where the house and my daughter are concerned with an ex who has become nasty and vindictive. I've done up quite a bit of paperwork with Bassi balking all the way but signing off because he realizes he's in a new world and has to adjust. I've essentially told him, what needed to be done. He told me don't worry about it. I did all the paperwork with my attorney. Then sat with him and mentioned what was in all the paperwork. Then several weeks later told him again what was in all the paperwork and asked him what he thinks because I find that he usually needs time to process what I'm saying. Hmmm, are we married to brothers? He actually had a couple of things to say that I agreed with. That's normally the case with my husband as well. Although I don't feel as though all of his ideas are practical, some times he does make a whole lot of sense. I went back to the attorney and made some adjustments. Then spoke with other family members and close friends. Then had him sign the paperwork and it's done. It was A LOT more work for me. But I realize that's how we're going to work. At least right now.

Another one we have is children. God blessed me with a little girl. However, I have fertility issues. Was diagnosed when I was 19. When I talk about the medical process that may be necessary to conceive, he shuts down. So, I'm reverting to the let him know then let it simmer. Then talk to him about it again and ask him what he thinks. Then I'll probably make an appointment and tell him when to be there. lol! We seem to work out better that way and I think if I just adjust/bend to this way of doing things, we'll both function better. I can't change the man I married but I can easily adjust how I interact with him. Well stated.

Edited November 14, 2008 by Boaz

[WonTanNara 0]

From where I sit, I see it like this...

My fiance has spent most of his life just worrying about tomorrow. What am I going to eat tomorrow? Where am I going to sleep tomorrow? We Americans on the other hand, spend a lot of time planning for the far out future. So much so that I think many of us don't enjoy today as much as we could, myself included. Somewhere in between is ideal. My fiance cannot understand why I'm concerned that my savings is slowly dwindling while we are waiting for his visa, because all he is thinking about is his visa, and I've had to remind him if I hadn't been saving money the last few years I never would have been able to bring him here or help him eat while he's waiting to come here.

I think of these challenges as an opportunity for us to teach each other the good things that come from our different cultures. They live in the right now and in some ways that is a beautiful thing. We on the other hand do not completely rely on our children to feed us when we are old, and that is a beautiful thing too. When something like this comes up, I usually just ask him one simple question and give him some time to think about it. In other words, "What would happen to us right now if I had not been saving money for the last few years? Just take some time to think about it." It usually works and he'll come around. The delivery is also really important. Nobody likes to be nagged and I've found I really have to watch my tone when I start getting frustrated. We are slowly coming to a middle ground where he understands the need to plan for the future and I understand the need to enjoy each day as it comes. It's a process for sure and patience is key.

[ForeverAmen 0]

Hey,

We just had the same conversation in preparation for the AOS interview. My husbands reaction was, "Please sweetie, lets not talk about such things." LOL! Now, keep in mind that I am a licensed mortician so I see familes that literally have to wait until Auntie Tee Tee and Uncle Cecil come in from Alabama to write a big check or start the collection basket. This situation can be very embarassing for the family. So...I made an appointment for the State Farm Representative to come and speak with us. My husband made Joloff rice and iced tea. Of course the agent complimented his cooking and asked thousands of questions about Ghana. This put Samuel in a more relaxed state of mind and he felt involved and took the time to listen to the agent. Z was right...we cannot change our men or their reactions to things. So, I have learned the best thing to do is to move and wiggle my around those reactions. Remember this AOS and integration process stresses them out too.

Peace and Love

Erika

A licensed mortician! Do you have any suggestions on how to handle the conversation on creating a will? I already have one in place, just need to revise it. After last night, I don't want to rock the boat.

[reeses16 8]

Yes, life insurance was a very touchy subject. The first time I brought it up, he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to talk about it the next day either. So finally, I told him it was important and that if he didn't want to discuss it right now it was ok, but its very important and we need to discuss it within the next week. We ended up having a very good conversation about why life insurance is important. He left it to me to decide the company, policy type, amount, etc. But he was happy to do the medical and come to the appointment to finalize the paper work. We've also agreed that once we have a child we will need to increase our benefit. We named my parents as surviving beneficiaries; that way if we both died at the same time (car accident, etc.) my parents benefit from both policies with the understanding that they will send 1/2 of the money to my hubbys family. I can't imagine it being easy for State Farm to send a check to my in-laws.

We've also had discussions about how we should manage life insurance money if one of us dies. I read Suze Ormans Women & Money. In it she details how insurance benefits are tax free, and can be invested in tax free municipal bonds. They have an interest rate of 5%. With a million dollar policy, the survivor would have $50,000/year tax free for life. (If anyone is interested in the book, PM me I can e-mail you the pdf for the book.). We don't have million dollar policies now, but plan to in the future.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

WTM also made me think about the "other" discussion we've bumped heads at.....retirement planning. I've got a pension at work and a supplemental ra. They are both about 10 years old and I contribute bimonthly. I mentioned that he needed an ira or something as a starting point. He looked at me like I had two heads. He said I'm crazy to be thinking about retirement and won't the government give us a pension. My father in law's pension in Ghana is not much money. They have a little store on the side to make ends meet. I told him that's probably what it would be like here on ss, if there is any ss by the time we retire. But it was hard to convey to him that we don't have to just accept that. We can plan appropriately so that we can live better. He'll get there.

[Ricca711 1]

Hey,

We just had the same conversation in preparation for the AOS interview. My husbands reaction was, "Please sweetie, lets not talk about such things." LOL! Now, keep in mind that I am a licensed mortician so I see familes that literally have to wait until Auntie Tee Tee and Uncle Cecil come in from Alabama to write a big check or start the collection basket. This situation can be very embarassing for the family. So...I made an appointment for the State Farm Representative to come and speak with us. My husband made Joloff rice and iced tea. Of course the agent complimented his cooking and asked thousands of questions about Ghana. This put Samuel in a more relaxed state of mind and he felt involved and took the time to listen to the agent. Z was right...we cannot change our men or their reactions to things. So, I have learned the best thing to do is to move and wiggle my around those reactions. Remember this AOS and integration process stresses them out too.

Peace and Love

Erika

A licensed mortician! Do you have any suggestions on how to handle the conversation on creating a will? I already have one in place, just need to revise it. After last night, I don't want to rock the boat.

Certainly! You are very smart for having a will and you are already ahead of the game. Contact your attorney and make the revisions as soon as you know what you want to change. Your attorney will guide you through the process. From a morticians perspective, honesty is the best policy. Eventually you will need to discuss very sensitive matters such as repatriation (the shipment of remains back to his homeland). I do not mean to be morbid but Samuel and I have had this convo and it went smoothy, but after the insurance agent left. Again, its just about creating a comfort zone for them. In contrast, as new wife who is married to an African man, LOL.....maybe give your hubby time to digest the insurance policy subject first then move on to the will topic. If you need more info please feel free to ask.

Erika

[Kanyiri 0]

I've had the same difficulty with the Will discussion. He doesn't want to talk about death. The funny thing is (as funny as a discussion about death can be) is that he always tells me how he thinks it's so funny how Americans fear death so much. My question is, if we're the ones too afraid of it, why are we willing to plan for it, and he won't even talk about it?? I need to just make an appointment and tell him to come with me. I have a will that I was required to write before I went into the Peace Corps, so if anything happens now, I'm assuming that the government would follow my old Will which would send everything to my parents. With an 18 month old son, that makes things complicated.

He is talking more about life insurance though because he is in the nursing field and is learning all about that stuff. I find he talks more easily about stuff if SOMEONE ELSE tells him it's important.

[Zee Bee 61]

I must be honest, we haven't talked about any of this yet

Now that I know what some of the reactions have been I can prepare.

I do have life insurance through work (for me and him). I just checked a box and added him, no discussion.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I've had the same difficulty with the Will discussion. He doesn't want to talk about death. The funny thing is (as funny as a discussion about death can be) is that he always tells me how he thinks it's so funny how Americans fear death so much. My question is, if we're the ones too afraid of it, why are we willing to plan for it, and he won't even talk about it?? I need to just make an appointment and tell him to come with me. I have a will that I was required to write before I went into the Peace Corps, so if anything happens now, I'm assuming that the government would follow my old Will which would send everything to my parents. With an 18 month old son, that makes things complicated.

He is talking more about life insurance though because he is in the nursing field and is learning all about that stuff. I find he talks more easily about stuff if SOMEONE ELSE tells him it's important.

[ForeverAmen 0]

I've had the same difficulty with the Will discussion. He doesn't want to talk about death. The funny thing is (as funny as a discussion about death can be) is that he always tells me how he thinks it's so funny how Americans fear death so much. My question is, if we're the ones too afraid of it, why are we willing to plan for it, and he won't even talk about it?? I need to just make an appointment and tell him to come with me. I have a will that I was required to write before I went into the Peace Corps, so if anything happens now, I'm assuming that the government would follow my old Will which would send everything to my parents. With an 18 month old son, that makes things complicated.

He is talking more about life insurance though because he is in the nursing field and is learning all about that stuff. I find he talks more easily about stuff if SOMEONE ELSE tells him it's important.

I thought it was just me.

[Ta Ta 1]

I took out an insurance policy before traveling to Africa in case something would happen to me. I discussed everything with my kids and my SO and all went well without any problem.

I still have to do a will and forsee no problems or resistance in these issues. He accepts my suggestions and even said it is a smart thing to do.

Burial was a tougher issue, I made a thread about it several months ago.

[ForeverAmen 0]

WTM also made me think about the "other" discussion we've bumped heads at.....retirement planning. I've got a pension at work and a supplemental ra. They are both about 10 years old and I contribute bimonthly. I mentioned that he needed an ira or something as a starting point. He looked at me like I had two heads. He said I'm crazy to be thinking about retirement and won't the government give us a pension. My father in law's pension in Ghana is not much money. They have a little store on the side to make ends meet. I told him that's probably what it would be like here on ss, if there is any ss by the time we retire. But it was hard to convey to him that we don't have to just accept that. We can plan appropriately so that we can live better. He'll get there.

I think I have my husband sold on saving for retirement. He sees how much I've accumulated over the years (although it's not where it should be), and understands that this is the 'key' to retiring at an early age. Also, my husband is big on pricing things, and making sure nothing is 'too expensive'.