Adjustment to the United States

[wakeywakeup 1]

I want to say that I'm enjoying the sharing that is going on. I know that many people don't feel comfortable putting their business out there. It does help though to get tips and suggestions from each other. I wonder if a traditional therapist would understand these dynamics but then again a relationship is a relationship so I guess they would..

[Shemmy 4]

Portland - PATIENCE...you need alot in the beginning.

I remember losing patience many times with showing Damien how to apply for jobs, how to pay bills, explaining checking accounts, debit and credits cards, etc. He learned quickly but I got frustrated with all the questions. I had to check myself.

Teaching him how to drive was a huge issue for us. Although he went to driving school...my nerves were (and still are) wrecked.

I am trying, but I am a work in progress... It's the little things that you don't think about, he just went on his first job interview ever! So I have being going over some of the questions that they may ask and what his reply should be, and some of the body language that he does that he shouldn't do.....

Its hard, cause not only am I looking for a job but I am helping him look for a job and working with him to get more familar with the way things are here. Whenever I get frustrated with it, but at the end of the day I still thank God. My ex was an attorney and as intelligent as he was he had major issues..

PATIENCE, PRAYER, PATIENCE...that's what I say everyday LOL.

[Shemmy 4]

Wakey - you are funny. There has been a few days I miss my pre-marriage days then other days I can't even remember what I was doing before Damien came into my life

I swear Damien is going to rich one day...he's obessed wtih money. He can tell you how much money he'll spend from now til August...my daughter and I call him the walking calculator.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

My turn

As many if you know my BIGGEST issue was my MIL..ooohh yeaa my MIL. Kashi felt he was doing her injustice or being disrespectful if he didn't listen to his mother. Before coming here that woman and I lived the way MIL and DIL should..see her every weekend or every other, asks me to do something I do (she neva have nuttin fi offa, unless she cook when I went there) thats just reality not talking down about her.

You all know the story of the night Kashi came..that's where she started hating me for what I don't know as she thought she had to be nice to me cause I am "filing" for her son...umm lady you do not know your son..u left when he was how old?? She plays on him cause she knew he was dedicated to her. I dear not tell him his mother is EVIL.And u'll not I wouldn't be kimmy if i didn't and of course him get upset but OH DYAM WELL a di truth.

My husband was not used to a woman taking care of him no matter house short the time, not used a woman actually showing him emotions. He was used to living with something that asked questions, make statements, spoke her mind. He had a hard time with the dif laws here.

When we were good we were good,..but when it's bad we avoid eahc other for like a day. Another issue was making him realize he HAD to take of HOME 1st before nuttin go a JA. Not saying the girls do not deserve but how can he provide for them when he can't provide here? mek no sense. As we would argue I learned to LET him make his mistakes until u know, not by any work of mine hea realize what his mother was doing and he was disgusted..they didn't speak for months. We still had our tiffs but not like before. I would say one thing and he takes it total negative when I absolutely didn'tmean it in that context. But when u grew up defending urself how do u just stop over nite..u don't just time..

Kashi is a great provider he doesn't hand over his paycheck I wouldn't want him to he still needs to be a man..so he has dedicated bills he has to take care of..if for some reason his hrs were short 1 wk we back up each other that way. I have no question about his love it was about his teachings growing up. The things most see in JA is miniscule compared to living in a 1st world country. I takes alot of PATIENCE which i was ready to give b/c I have seen alot of it..even growing up with my family..I know no one who has had a interracial relationship in my family..so it's not cause of Black or White. My hsuband is sweet as pie and sometimes i look back and say "u know i didn't have to contribute to his attitude" so i'm learning he's learning and today I can say we are in such a fantastic place it makes me laugh about the past. Hubby smokes but it no bodda me, when it becomes a problem den all hell ago bruk lose !

To those that have a perfect marriage home and all....it's nice to hear..sometimes we have to look into ourselves and ask..is it perfect or did I compromise myself so much it SEEMS to be fabulous..

And I'm not knocking just chatting..cause my relationship sound to ..hehee

[SupportOAFJF 0]

JG..I would find a way how i would give him an intervention..that is just ridiculous and inconsiderate as a provider. He should be letting anything possibly take food from his mouth

Island..hubby didn't have an allowance i give him my card to get what he NEEDs we r not rich..if he needed a phone and such sure..

[Marlita 0]

Hello All!!

Glad to see this thread revived! Been gone for a minute, they been working me like a slave. Long Days, weekends late nights...seriously til like 10:30pm, and NOT getting any overtime for it, just free work....SLAVE!!!

Anyway, I want to contribute to this topic.

Well me and Evan have had our ups and downs. Much like a wave not a roller coaster. It seems constant, but right now we are on an up side and on it with added knowledge so it seems that we may be able to ride this wave out.

His adjustment to the US has been pretty simple. He's very much an adaptable person. However, there are things from his culture and personal past that causes rifts. He has never had a serious relationship besides me. He had a high scholl girl friend but thats it for someone he really loved. It makes for a learning curve with him in dealing with an emotional and loving commited relationship. I have also been a very independent person most ALL of my life. Its just my personality. Having 7 kids in the fam and being 2nd oldest I had ot grow up fast. So I have always felt like the adult figure. However I really am attracted to men who just get it done, if you know what i mean. Take charge, and I dont have to worry about nothing. Well with Evan, he is very much a take charge guy, but he's running on a learning curve with moving here, so I have to step up.

We dont have issues with money at all. He just started working a couple weeks ago and has 2 jobs that pay pretty decent. We he came I gave him money weekly to do what he pleased with. Nothing major, just enough so that if he wanted to go up the road for a beer or some food he could get it. I would hate to move to JA and not have money in my pocket so I definitley made sure he always had money. Didnt wait for him to ask, cause his pride is WAAAAYY to high to ask me for money, so i just left it for him.

He seems to feel a bit better about life here now that he is working and in school. He got in the ROP program so he didnt have to wait for any state residency to start schooling. He's made a friend with a married coworker and now feels like he has some sort of life here. He doesnt puff so I dont have to worry about that. He doesnt like to hang out, so no worries there either. He's very much a home body. I think with us our biggest adjustment is just getting to know one another. We married relatively quick and lived apart for most of our relationship. The relationship has evolved so much since those early times in JA. It is a work in progress but I truly believe in prayer and giving our marriage to God. Right now we are in the learning phase and we are finally beginning to understand the subject. Its a difficult course but I think we are both very capable of exceling at it.

[sus 70]

Marlita, what is the ROP program?

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Before my stupic PC started actiin up last nite I wanted to add

Mrs. Smith like u did..i believe we all must try everything we can to make our marriage work.

Like most I am with the concept of U NOT GONNA BRING ME DOWN...my issue was actully learning to share with a woman and not feel like ur alone in this...just sad that's how most is in JA..men work women stretch their hands and have sex on demand and thats it no sharing of anthing..never going out together never saying I love u..absolutely ridiculous

[SupportOAFJF 0]

and u know i noticed that huby was adjusting..he came home and started speaking to in proper english..hehee..he's too funny..and not every statement is followed by IN JAMAICA

[luvtravlin 0]

Hey you guys,

I've been gone for awhile, but another Vjr told me to get on and share my "adjustment" story.

As most of you know, my relationship has been a constant battle. Going back to the yardie thread part 1 or 2 ?

I met Craig on my 20th time to Jamaica, so I knew the island, the culture, the people, the food, etc etc. way before I met him. I've stayed at both hotels and then at his (moms house). I know how both sides live there, that was never an issue.

It took a couple of trips for our relationship to blossom, because I had seen it all. Craig was different than any of the Jamaican man that I knew (and known) and met over the years. He was kind, considerate, affectionate, smoked but never in front of my son. I only found out later (after he moved here and was honest about it) just *how much* he smoked. We talked everyday, sometimes a couple of times a day. I went there every other month for a year, with and without my son (whom he met 1st and my son introduced us). I extended our petition 4x because I wasn't ready and I felt he wasn't ready either. We even took a 6 month break in between. Something was just different about him than any other man I had met, ever.

I had little red flags, but what relationship doesn't. Now since I was going through this back with some of the "veterans", we really didn't have much experience to bounce things off of each other like we can today. When he basically got denied for failing his medical (although didn't make it to the embassy, hence paying off someone at the lab), that was huge for me! "I" was the one that got interviewed, not Craig.

I've said it a million times, Craig has changed since coming here. He's not the same person that I met and he says that to me all of the time. He knows that he's become "ugly", but never does anything about it to improve himself and make a better life. He's miserable and wants to make everyone around him miserable.

I have a client that works for immigration in Baltimore, so Craig has been working since the 3rd week of him stepping into the US. Craig NEVER ever puts towards anything in bills. I've taken money out of his account, without him knowing it because asking (or demanding) it never gets us anywhere.

I've sat down with him time and time again and gone over the bills, bank accounts, money, groceries, school, work, pets, etc etc etc a million times, but he STILL doesn't get it !!! He's overdrawn his bank account about 20-30x now!!

I found out about another farrin women (he failed to mention about before he came here) about the 3rd week he got here....and he tried to hide the relationship. We've been through the other womens phone numbers, smoking, emotional affair, physical ####### (lead to his arrest, 22 weeks of anger management, I kicked him out), I mean everything you can imagine .....we've been through.

I stupidly allowed him to come back the middle of October because I truly saw a little bit of a better change in him. I had a trip already planned to Jamaica with my son, he whined so much that he ended up going too. He was out of control there, smoked and drank to embarrass himself and me in front of Managers and staff at the hotel, my friends and his cousin.........we are now SOOOO DONE !!! We haven't slept in the same bed since the week before that trip, we are not affectionate with each other, we talk...but it's on a "friendship" level.

He just WILL NOT LEAVE THIS HOUSE ! I've been nice, I've been a bee-atch, I've been patient, understanding, compassionate, helpful and compromised the heck out of everything, but it's just not working!!! I do NOT love him anymore, I do care about what happens to him, but there's no love between us. He says he loves me all the time, but he truly doesn't know what it means to be in a marriage or faithful and honest relationship and I'm done trying to teach him.

We've been together for 4 years, married for 2. I told him that I will not file the ROC come November. I want a divorce...but...that just all leads to another battle, threats of suing me, etc etc. My son and I BOTH want him gone, but .....like I said, he will not leave !!

I'm very close to Craig's mom, she knows everything that's been going on (so do some relatives now), but the way I feel about Craig will never ever change the way I feel about Jamaica and the island, vibe, etc etc etc !!!

Craig has sucked the life out of me, it's affecting my relationship with my son. I just got back from the Dominican Republic Friday night for a travel agent trip and I had THE BEST time of my life. I truly needed it. I danced, laughed, sang, just everything to enjoy being me and to not have that feeling of someone of making me feel guilty for being ME, was really and truly nice !!

As everyone that knows me knows that I'm never ever ever afraid to discuss my relationship on here or behind closed doors, ever. I've made some wonderful relationships with women on here that I treasure everyday because they've been my rock and you know who you are !!!

He's now in Philly, I think .....didn't really tell me where he was actually heading to or when he'll get back, but DA&N is it NICE to be in my home QUIET AGAIN !!! and have me and my son laughing and enjoying each others company without feeling guilty for being his mother !

Take care everyone, I'm never on here anymore, but I'm here .... if anyone needs to vent, talk to...'kay?!

Love,

Kelly

[luvtravlin 0]

I also forgot to mention, Craig has been without any work (not that he's even looking) for the past 7 weeks now. It has put even a bigger strain on us and me, but he could care less. I bust my butt working 2 jobs and I've been extremely busy.

He has failed about 4 drug tests to date (that I know of) for GOOD jobs, but ...still doesn't get it !! It's going to take him actually getting caught to probably get it. He now hangs with a 20 yr old that he goes and buys beer for, still doesn't get that he's not allowed to do that !

He's been here 2 1/2 years and I've never once met any of his so called "friends". He's met every one of mine, both male and female!!

He left yesterday, overdrew his bank account again and went to who knows where ??

It's just never ending. I'm hoping and praying that he stays there, but...he only took a very small bag !

[NatPatBen 3]

How has climate affected them?

Maybe the reason he's having hives. The cold dries out his skin and he says the water makes him itch.

A coworker of mine had hives for a year and kept going to various doctors. After a year, a doctor realized the hives were cause she wasn't getting enough Vitamin D. Not sure if this is why your SO gets them, but it probably wouldn't hurt to check it out, or take a multi-Vitamin to see if they stop.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Kelly..I do not know how u continue to do this..I'm sorry u in my house u help to provide or else u will have no food or water from me...

Power to u chica..only u know why u do it..ur much stronger than I am for real

[NatPatBen 3]

some hard adjustments so far have been his digestion...everything seems to upset his stomach. I think it is the combination of the stress of a new environment as well as strange food.

...

Oh, and I have noticed his bath water is dirty too...he took four baths a day in Jamaica so this is weird...I think the dryer climate is just causing him to lose a layer or two of skin cells...just a theory

I'm concerned about how my fiance will adjust to the food here, since it's so much more processed than what he eats there. I'm thinking we'll go with organic food to minimize any stomach upsetness.

Also, I'm blown away by your and others' stories of the bathwater. This is so fascinating! I might have to research the topic.

Thanks to everyone for sharing these stories. I'll have to read some of them to my SO to get his take on them.

[NatPatBen 3]

Sometimes I just get tired and really miss being single when I could just pull out my toys and nurture myself