Adjustment to the United States

[Mrs. Smith 0]

thought based of the fact that my husband had constant struggles all while he was growing up , that me showing him the way of a better life would sink in..... BOY was I mistaken.....

Exactly my thinking.

JG; you have a message

That is my biigest fear, is getting brought down, I have struggled so hard to keep us a float, and feel I don't get the apprecitatin for it, cause he doesn't see how hard it is to keep the ball going....

I agree, that was one of my biggest fears too. He felt like I should co-sign for things for him if needed becuase he was my "HUSBAND"

I tried to explain to him about getting too far ahead of ourselves credit wise, and how it's not good to be stretched out like that.. Besides it took me a really really long time to get to where I have A-1 credit and I'm not trying to lose it..

Did you stand your ground or give in?

I let him screw up enough, to where i could show him his mistakes.............LEsson learned.................Other than that never give in... If i gave in , I would be in the loony bin, I have gotten close to admitting my self.....lmao

[*JG* 2]

thought based of the fact that my husband had constant struggles all while he was growing up , that me showing him the way of a better life would sink in..... BOY was I mistaken.....

Exactly my thinking.

Sometimes they just don't get it. Like my EX his mind set was not on family and priorties or moving ahead in life...it was him playing football 7 days and week and hanging out and not appreciating me. I had enough and when I chose to walk that's when he wanted to make changes, too DAMN RASS LITTLE TO DAMN RASS LATE.

I decided that I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF...I don't need anyone else to drag me down.

I Know that's right.

I'm learning that one the hard way, Mrs. Smith. Hope he learns soon enough.

[Shemmy 4]

Like I stated yesterday, Damien is very good with money. I've never had issues with him carrying his own weight in our household. Of course, we had many money discussions before his arrival but I don't think he believed me until he got here. Damien came to the US when I wasn't financially stable and super stressed out about money. When the bills would come, he wanted to see them and thinking to myself…why?? Is he going to pay them?? Well, with his first job not even paying $8/hour he did just that. We agreed what bills he wanted to pay…I loved the fact that he took control and not giving me half of his paycheck. Somehow he even managed to save money, gives my daughter an allowance and buys us both things. Small gift but gifts like Bath and Body Works, etc. Once he started making more money…the gifts got bigger...for our second Anniversary, he gave him a diamond ring he replaced with my wedding band. It was a total surprise.

He totalled my Carmry when he first started driving but has replaced it not once but twice. The first replacement car was a Chevy Malibu which someone totalled after that, I got a new Camry which he pays the note on. Meanwhile he paid cash for the car he drives around…it's a hoopie to get him back and forth to work. He rarely drives the new car.

The downfall is that Damien is extremely stubborn and makes everything into a competition. He doesn't want me to do anything for him. He worked so hard to make our paychecks to match…I still make more annually but he's killing himself working loads of OT. Since then, his attitude has changed…it just stinks…kinda like he's feeling himself a little too much and king of the jungle all of the sudden. I'm like….these are the things we should be doing TOGETHER. I also realized that Damien is young and just becoming into his "manhood". We also moved into "our" first place instead of everything being mine...another issue.

It's become a struggle for us cuz it's two strong minded people fighting to be on top...giving up some inpendence is harder than I thought. It probably sounds crazy to same but it's an issue for us.

Edited February 6, 2009 by Shemmy

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Like I stated yesterday, Damien is very good with money. I've never had issues with him carrying his own weight in our household. Of course, we had many money discussions before his arrival but I don't think he believed me until he got here. Damien came to the US when I wasn't financially stable and super stressed out about money. When the bills would come, he wanted to see them and thinking to myself…why?? Is he going to pay them?? Well, with his first job not even paying $8/hour he did just that. We agreed what bills he wanted to pay…I loved the fact that he took control and not giving me half of his paycheck. Somehow he even managed to save money, gives my daughter an allowance and buys us both things. Small gift but gifts like Bath and Body Works, etc. Once he started making more money…the gifts got bigger...for our second Anniversary, he gave him a diamond ring he replaced with my wedding band. It was a total surprise.

He totalled my Carmry when he first started driving but has replaced it not once but twice. The first replacement car was a Chevy Malibu which someone totalled after that, I got a new Camry which he pays the note on. Meanwhile he paid cash for the car he drives around…it's a hoopie to get him back and forth to work. He rarely drives the new car.

The downfall is that Damien is extremely stubborn and makes everything into a competition. He doesn't want me to do anything for him. He worked so hard to make our paychecks to match…I still make more annually but he's killing himself working loads of OT. Since then, his attitude has changed…it just stinks…kinda like he's feeling himself a little too much and king of the jungle all of the sudden. I'm like….these are the things we should be doing TOGETHER. I also realized that Damien is young and just becoming into his "manhood". We also moved into "our" first place instead of everything being mine...another issue.

It's become a struggle for us cuz it's two strong minded people fighting to be on top...giving up some inpendence is harder than I thought. It probably sounds crazy to same but it's an issue for us.

Not crazy at all.

[*JG* 2]

I don't think it sounds crazy, Shemmy. I think it sounds normal. For so long, you HAD to do everything. And you were in that mindset. To change it, even over time, is hard.

[Shemmy 4]

I don't think it sounds crazy, Shemmy. I think it sounds normal. For so long, you HAD to do everything. And you were in that mindset. To change it, even over time, is hard.

Thanks Lawny and JG....it's been crazy but we are managing to make it work.

[Shemmy 4]

Sorry for all the typos. I have to sneak on the internet during work hours so I type 1000 words a minute.

Edited February 6, 2009 by Shemmy

[*JG* 2]

Those of us who have gone through know. May sound crazy to those who haven't cause they are sitting there wishing they didn't have to do so much work in the relationship.

[PortlandAngel 0]

Portland - PATIENCE...you need alot in the beginning.

I remember losing patience many times with showing Damien how to apply for jobs, how to pay bills, explaining checking accounts, debit and credits cards, etc. He learned quickly but I got frustrated with all the questions. I had to check myself.

Teaching him how to drive was a huge issue for us. Although he went to driving school...my nerves were (and still are) wrecked.

I am trying, but I am a work in progress... It's the little things that you don't think about, he just went on his first job interview ever! So I have being going over some of the questions that they may ask and what his reply should be, and some of the body language that he does that he shouldn't do.....

Its hard, cause not only am I looking for a job but I am helping him look for a job and working with him to get more familar with the way things are here. Whenever I get frustrated with it, but at the end of the day I still thank God. My ex was an attorney and as intelligent as he was he had major issues..

Edited February 6, 2009 by PortlandAngel

[PortlandAngel 0]

I have a question about money: when you SO got here but didn't yet have a job, how did you work the money? Did you just pay for everything or give him an "allowance" (for lack of a better word) until he started making his own money.

This is the one constant thing we have problems about since the beginning of our relationship - and in a heated discussion on Monday he said money is what is going to break us and sometimes I agree. I'm the conversative one - I work with a budget every week. He gets paid on Friday and it's gone before the weekend is out.

What we did was we open up a joint saving and checking account together, I still have my savings and checking that I had prior to him coming here and I plan to keep the savings open but close the checking. But we put what ever extra money we have in the joint savings and a little in the checking. Once we start working we plan on having our check directly deposited in the joint checking, and using that to pay our bills. Then we agreed that he will open up his own saving so he can save for things that he want that I may think isn't necessary, like a sound system for the car.

But we agree that I will manage our finance, while he is good with paying things on time, he's just way too kind. He will give you his last dollar and go hungry! When he was leaving JA, the amount of ppl that owed him money was crazy.

But we really don't agree about money, only issues he have is not making none, and not being able to collect the rest of his partner in JA.

[Sonshyne 2]

Sometimes they just don't get it. Like my EX his mind set was not on family and priorties or moving ahead in life...it was him playing football 7 days and week and hanging out and not appreciating me. I had enough and when I chose to walk that's when he wanted to make changes, too DAMN RASS LITTLE TO DAMN RASS LATE.

I decided that I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF...I don't need anyone else to drag me down.

High Five girl HIGH FIVE

[Sonshyne 2]

thought based of the fact that my husband had constant struggles all while he was growing up , that me showing him the way of a better life would sink in..... BOY was I mistaken.....

Exactly my thinking.

JG; you have a message

That is my biigest fear, is getting brought down, I have struggled so hard to keep us a float, and feel I don't get the apprecitatin for it, cause he doesn't see how hard it is to keep the ball going....

I agree, that was one of my biggest fears too. He felt like I should co-sign for things for him if needed becuase he was my "HUSBAND"

I tried to explain to him about getting too far ahead of ourselves credit wise, and how it's not good to be stretched out like that.. Besides it took me a really really long time to get to where I have A-1 credit and I'm not trying to lose it..

Did you stand your ground or give in?

I stood.... Well except for once when he begged me for about 2 weeks to co-sign for that truck driving school that he went to

But as far as adding him to my credit cards.. Not at all I was not willing to do that until I knew that I knew that I knew that he wouldn't be spending like crazy!!

[Mrs. Smith 0]

Like I stated yesterday, Damien is very good with money. I've never had issues with him carrying his own weight in our household. Of course, we had many money discussions before his arrival but I don't think he believed me until he got here. Damien came to the US when I wasn't financially stable and super stressed out about money. When the bills would come, he wanted to see them and thinking to myself…why?? Is he going to pay them?? Well, with his first job not even paying $8/hour he did just that. We agreed what bills he wanted to pay…I loved the fact that he took control and not giving me half of his paycheck. Somehow he even managed to save money, gives my daughter an allowance and buys us both things. Small gift but gifts like Bath and Body Works, etc. Once he started making more money…the gifts got bigger...for our second Anniversary, he gave him a diamond ring he replaced with my wedding band. It was a total surprise.

He totalled my Carmry when he first started driving but has replaced it not once but twice. The first replacement car was a Chevy Malibu which someone totalled after that, I got a new Camry which he pays the note on. Meanwhile he paid cash for the car he drives around…it's a hoopie to get him back and forth to work. He rarely drives the new car.

The downfall is that Damien is extremely stubborn and makes everything into a competition. He doesn't want me to do anything for him. He worked so hard to make our paychecks to match…I still make more annually but he's killing himself working loads of OT. Since then, his attitude has changed…it just stinks…kinda like he's feeling himself a little too much and king of the jungle all of the sudden. I'm like….these are the things we should be doing TOGETHER. I also realized that Damien is young and just becoming into his "manhood". We also moved into "our" first place instead of everything being mine...another issue.

It's become a struggle for us cuz it's two strong minded people fighting to be on top...giving up some inpendence is harder than I thought. It probably sounds crazy to same but it's an issue for us.

I purcchased my home 2 yrs prir to marrying Karl, and the fact that I have tenats and all that I tried to get him involved, but he refuses tooo.... Everything in it I worked for and purchased up til recently, cause he was spending what he had on him self, the boy has more clothes and shoes than I don't know what.... I told him that we can't just up and move and start our own together.. We have improvements to make, the market is not great right now, and we are not made of money.... It takes time... the apt we stay in is a studio, cause when I bought it it , i was by myself.... We need space bad , but I can't do it by myself..... Well I could but why should I ahve tooo............WE want a family too., but I want to be smart about it, and get established in a home big enough to grow in.... I have told him time and time again, watch what I can do if you just worked with me..............I think he is coming around finally... I am crossing my fingers..................

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Like I stated yesterday, Damien is very good with money. I've never had issues with him carrying his own weight in our household. Of course, we had many money discussions before his arrival but I don't think he believed me until he got here. Damien came to the US when I wasn't financially stable and super stressed out about money. When the bills would come, he wanted to see them and thinking to myself…why?? Is he going to pay them?? Well, with his first job not even paying $8/hour he did just that. We agreed what bills he wanted to pay…I loved the fact that he took control and not giving me half of his paycheck. Somehow he even managed to save money, gives my daughter an allowance and buys us both things. Small gift but gifts like Bath and Body Works, etc. Once he started making more money…the gifts got bigger...for our second Anniversary, he gave him a diamond ring he replaced with my wedding band. It was a total surprise.

He totalled my Carmry when he first started driving but has replaced it not once but twice. The first replacement car was a Chevy Malibu which someone totalled after that, I got a new Camry which he pays the note on. Meanwhile he paid cash for the car he drives around…it's a hoopie to get him back and forth to work. He rarely drives the new car.

The downfall is that Damien is extremely stubborn and makes everything into a competition. He doesn't want me to do anything for him. He worked so hard to make our paychecks to match…I still make more annually but he's killing himself working loads of OT. Since then, his attitude has changed…it just stinks…kinda like he's feeling himself a little too much and king of the jungle all of the sudden. I'm like….these are the things we should be doing TOGETHER. I also realized that Damien is young and just becoming into his "manhood". We also moved into "our" first place instead of everything being mine...another issue.

It's become a struggle for us cuz it's two strong minded people fighting to be on top...giving up some inpendence is harder than I thought. It probably sounds crazy to same but it's an issue for us.

I purcchased my home 2 yrs prir to marrying Karl, and the fact that I have tenats and all that I tried to get him involved, but he refuses tooo.... Everything in it I worked for and purchased up til recently, cause he was spending what he had on him self, the boy has more clothes and shoes than I don't know what.... I told him that we can't just up and move and start our own together.. We have improvements to make, the market is not great right now, and we are not made of money.... It takes time... the apt we stay in is a studio, cause when I bought it it , i was by myself.... We need space bad , but I can't do it by myself..... Well I could but why should I ahve tooo............WE want a family too., but I want to be smart about it, and get established in a home big enough to grow in.... I have told him time and time again, watch what I can do if you just worked with me..............I think he is coming around finally... I am crossing my fingers..................

girl, cross your legs too. A few years ago a friend of mine was having problems with her husband adjusting to live in the US (he's from St. Lucia), well, 3 kids later and he's still not adjusted, all the work is on her and he want's the play hard. He wanted kids, but not the reponsibilities that comes along with raising them. All he would say is, that's woman work and like your said Mrs. Smith, (YOU HAVE TO BE [DAMN] SMART ABOUT IT).

[wakeywakeup 1]

Since someone brought up the puff puff.....I will go there. That is my biggest issue with my husband to this point. I know he did it in JA and he functioned well on JA pace. Here, it's much more expensive. When we could afford it less, he was fine with little. As we dug out of debt and he started making more, he increased. Somewhere along the line it got to every day. Recently, I've found him lighting up before work, after work, taking it to work, before driving the car, in the car, around the kids, etc. The tom foolery that has occured with the car has made me see red. We were in tremendous debt....just now dug our way out....that car is the biggest thing we own at this point. He treats it like it's disposable and we can snap our fingers and go out to buy another. Anyhow, it's all taken a toll lately. All he says is he knows how to handle himself. Can't get it through to him that this is not JA. That drug laws are strict and he's risking everything, including losing his job.

The concept of monthly bills.....he's been here nearly 3 years, been working over 2. Still thinks when he gets paid, we get to spend freely. No concept of monthly bills at all. I've tried so hard. Funniest thing lately was talking about him saving for a car for himself. Can't get the idea of insurance, personal property taxes, and actually putting gas into it into his head.

Family and friends calling asking for money........Continues on a very regular basis. Not only are they not doing a damn thing to help themselves, they are continually adding to the household with stupid lapses of judgement.

JG D likes him some puff puff too but he hasn't been able to get any because we are so far behind in bills and debt. Now that you've posted this I wonder what will happen once money is no longer an issue. I really don't have a problem with an occasional hit. The job he has gotten as a security guard will require checks and all I can do is remind him of the dangers.

It really is a shame. Sometimes I think back on my past relationships. Those guys were never good for me - meaning they didn't honor me or treat me respectfully however; we didn't have issues with them knowing basic laws and sticking to them. Now, I get all the love, nurturing, romance, and respect (except for the hanging out). But, I have to teach him stuff everyday. Sometimes I just get tired and really miss being single when I could just pull out my toys and nurture myself

JG; you have a message

That is my biigest fear, is getting brought down, I have struggled so hard to keep us a float, and feel I don't get the apprecitatin for it, cause he doesn't see how hard it is to keep the ball going....

I agree, that was one of my biggest fears too. He felt like I should co-sign for things for him if needed becuase he was my "HUSBAND"

I tried to explain to him about getting too far ahead of ourselves credit wise, and how it's not good to be stretched out like that.. Besides it took me a really really long time to get to where I have A-1 credit and I'm not trying to lose it..

D really prides himself on opening bills and worries over them with me. Sometimes I thank God for the debt we're in because he is learning just how expensive things are and how money in U.S don't grow on trees. He has done some catering a few times and when I tell you that man can hold a dime until it shines!! I'm like how the hell do you keep $20 so long. He will only buy clothes or stuff that are inexpensive. He loves the thrift stores like me and we like doing this when we get some free cash. Again, until money gets better for us, I can't speak for certainty about how it will be. Of course, he tells me he will always be careful with money and only time will tell.