Adjustment to the United States

[*JG* 2]

Since someone brought up the puff puff.....I will go there. That is my biggest issue with my husband to this point. I know he did it in JA and he functioned well on JA pace. Here, it's much more expensive. When we could afford it less, he was fine with little. As we dug out of debt and he started making more, he increased. Somewhere along the line it got to every day. Recently, I've found him lighting up before work, after work, taking it to work, before driving the car, in the car, around the kids, etc. The tom foolery that has occured with the car has made me see red. We were in tremendous debt....just now dug our way out....that car is the biggest thing we own at this point. He treats it like it's disposable and we can snap our fingers and go out to buy another. Anyhow, it's all taken a toll lately. All he says is he knows how to handle himself. Can't get it through to him that this is not JA. That drug laws are strict and he's risking everything, including losing his job.

The concept of monthly bills.....he's been here nearly 3 years, been working over 2. Still thinks when he gets paid, we get to spend freely. No concept of monthly bills at all. I've tried so hard. Funniest thing lately was talking about him saving for a car for himself. Can't get the idea of insurance, personal property taxes, and actually putting gas into it into his head.

Family and friends calling asking for money........Continues on a very regular basis. Not only are they not doing a damn thing to help themselves, they are continually adding to the household with stupid lapses of judgement.

[Islandwoman 0]

I have a question about money: when you SO got here but didn't yet have a job, how did you work the money? Did you just pay for everything or give him an "allowance" (for lack of a better word) until he started making his own money.

This is the one constant thing we have problems about since the beginning of our relationship - and in a heated discussion on Monday he said money is what is going to break us and sometimes I agree. I'm the conversative one - I work with a budget every week. He gets paid on Friday and it's gone before the weekend is out.

[Mrs. Smith 0]

Since someone brought up the puff puff.....I will go there. That is my biggest issue with my husband to this point. I know he did it in JA and he functioned well on JA pace. Here, it's much more expensive. When we could afford it less, he was fine with little. As we dug out of debt and he started making more, he increased. Somewhere along the line it got to every day. Recently, I've found him lighting up before work, after work, taking it to work, before driving the car, in the car, around the kids, etc. The tom foolery that has occured with the car has made me see red. We were in tremendous debt....just now dug our way out....that car is the biggest thing we own at this point. He treats it like it's disposable and we can snap our fingers and go out to buy another. Anyhow, it's all taken a toll lately. All he says is he knows how to handle himself. Can't get it through to him that this is not JA. That drug laws are strict and he's risking everything, including losing his job.

The concept of monthly bills.....he's been here nearly 3 years, been working over 2. Still thinks when he gets paid, we get to spend freely. No concept of monthly bills at all. I've tried so hard. Funniest thing lately was talking about him saving for a car for himself. Can't get the idea of insurance, personal property taxes, and actually putting gas into it into his head.

Family and friends calling asking for money........Continues on a very regular basis. Not only are they not doing a damn thing to help themselves, they are continually adding to the household with stupid lapses of judgement.

I don't have the issue wit hte puff puff, but I understand your frustration with the concept of how it can affect more than just himself.... The laws hre are alot more strict then in Jamiaca, where it is more or less tolerated....

The resposibility of money , is a big issue.....I wish there was a way that we could get them to just understand that we are not playing the MOM role, when we try to explain a budget or how certain actions could cause a big hiccup in your everyday life....... My SO has been bouncing from job to job for the last 3yrs, and has finally found one that is workong for him... there were soooooooooooo many months that I was left to hold the bills down myself... You want to be the MAN of the house, and for me to play the WIFEY role.... Then understand that bills come first..... I expressed from the very beginning that I pride myself on being able to pay bills on time and have excellent credit.... I have assisted in building his credit for him to just write it off like money spent, no need to pay ti back... Example, he had gotten a plan thru a celluar company ran the bill up to $700 in one month's time( yes, calling Jamaica straight), the bill has now fallin in to deliquency and he feels no need to pay them.... I have tried to explain time and time again, that it sgoing to just follow u around until it is paid.....

The driving issue, that scares me ohhhh soooo much.. He has been using the bus to get around, and now wants to get his license..............Of course, studying is done in me anwser the questions, and him not wanting to study the book.... I explained to him that you have to take the time out and understand the laws and regulations.....The test itself is timed, and u can only take it twice, so why not do it right the first time around.. Then we got only one vehicle that is my vehicle that I have paid for all by myself.... U have to save to get ur own car, then pay car insurance , which is going to be costly cause u are a new driver, and maintence on the vehicle , and gas.... You know where that conversation went.... Why are you trying to prevent me from getting my license? Stubborn, I say yes...........

I have a question about money: when you SO got here but didn't yet have a job, how did you work the money? Did you just pay for everything or give him an "allowance" (for lack of a better word) until he started making his own money.

This is the one constant thing we have problems about since the beginning of our relationship - and in a heated discussion on Monday he said money is what is going to break us and sometimes I agree. I'm the conversative one - I work with a budget every week. He gets paid on Friday and it's gone before the weekend is out.

In my case , in the beginning, with getting married and have that extra cash, it wasn't a problem, plus he was able to get some side work, to contribute for the most part, but that didn't last tooo long............Money is an issue, and I think it is definetly a hard one to deal with... My concept vs. my SO is so very different.........

[*JG* 2]

I have a question about money: when you SO got here but didn't yet have a job, how did you work the money? Did you just pay for everything or give him an "allowance" (for lack of a better word) until he started making his own money.

This is the one constant thing we have problems about since the beginning of our relationship - and in a heated discussion on Monday he said money is what is going to break us and sometimes I agree. I'm the conversative one - I work with a budget every week. He gets paid on Friday and it's gone before the weekend is out.

He got an allowance of sorts for anything that didn't need to come out of household budget. He's pretty much been on that ever since cause he is horrible with money....spends it all the minute he gets it in his hands. 4 days later, he needs something and *poof* it's gone. We have increased his amount as he has made more money and we have gotten more financially secure. Recently, we are trying to put half his paycheck into a seperate account he will only have access to. He says he wants to save for a car. We'll see how this test goes. I fear it will not be as successful as he sees it in his head right now. He's going out tonight and I'm sure he will blow every bit of the money I took out of the bank for him this morning.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

I have a question about money: when you SO got here but didn't yet have a job, how did you work the money? Did you just pay for everything or give him an "allowance" (for lack of a better word) until he started making his own money.

This is the one constant thing we have problems about since the beginning of our relationship - and in a heated discussion on Monday he said money is what is going to break us and sometimes I agree. I'm the conversative one - I work with a budget every week. He gets paid on Friday and it's gone before the weekend is out.

TL;

In our case, we were blessed because Marcel brought money with him. The amount of money he had saved in his bank account in Jamaica I could never have saved in 10 years in the US. We keep that money as (reserves)...we really don't spend it unless I'm stretch thin. Before he got his EAD he did little side jobs helping out at a catering company carving ice sculptures, it was decent money, but the owner only needed him every now and then. Now he only works 16 hours and week and he's fustrated because he says he's not doing enough for his family. I told him everything takes time. I'm glad that once he got to the states the myth about "MONEY GROWING ON TREES"...was a BIG lie. His 2nd day in the states we went grocery shopping and he just about feel out on the cost of food (especially fruits and vegetables).

One thing I'm really thankful for is that he knows how to save money.

[*JG* 2]

Ha ha on the driving issues........my hubby took the written text 4 times. I told him, study the book. I KNOW how to drive. OK, whatever. He finally did study the book and low and behold he passed. He wants to rush to take the test. I said, you aren't ready yet. I KNOW how to drive. Took 3 tries.

Money is always going to be an issue. It's one of those really tough things everyone has to work out in their own situation. I agree with you....don't want to be his mother; but I am not letting him drag us down either. Worked way to hard for that to ever happen again.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Ha ha on the driving issues........my hubby took the written text 4 times. I told him, study the book. I KNOW how to drive. OK, whatever. He finally did study the book and low and behold he passed. He wants to rush to take the test. I said, you aren't ready yet. I KNOW how to drive. Took 3 tries.

Money is always going to be an issue. It's one of those really tough things everyone has to work out in their own situation. I agree with you....don't want to be his mother; but I am not letting him drag us down either. Worked way to hard for that to ever happen again.

AMEN!

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

JG; you have a message

[Mrs. Smith 0]

JG; you have a message

That is my biigest fear, is getting brought down, I have struggled so hard to keep us a float, and feel I don't get the apprecitatin for it, cause he doesn't see how hard it is to keep the ball going....

[Sonshyne 2]

JG; you have a message

That is my biigest fear, is getting brought down, I have struggled so hard to keep us a float, and feel I don't get the apprecitatin for it, cause he doesn't see how hard it is to keep the ball going....

I agree, that was one of my biggest fears too. He felt like I should co-sign for things for him if needed becuase he was my "HUSBAND"

I tried to explain to him about getting too far ahead of ourselves credit wise, and how it's not good to be stretched out like that.. Besides it took me a really really long time to get to where I have A-1 credit and I'm not trying to lose it..

Edited February 6, 2009 by Sonshyne

[*JG* 2]

JG; you have a message

That is my biigest fear, is getting brought down, I have struggled so hard to keep us a float, and feel I don't get the apprecitatin for it, cause he doesn't see how hard it is to keep the ball going....

Girlie, know exactly where you are coming from. He HAS seen it. What makes me mad is his not picking up some slack when he can/could. When it HAS/had to all fall on me, it's one thing. When he ALLOWS it, or better yet, forces it, pisses me off. So, yeah, in the end, I feel like the bad guy cause someone has to be sensible.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

JG; you have a message

That is my biigest fear, is getting brought down, I have struggled so hard to keep us a float, and feel I don't get the apprecitatin for it, cause he doesn't see how hard it is to keep the ball going....

Mrs. Smith that is a struggle and I thank God everyday and continue to pray that his frame of mind will never change. When he told me he did whatever he could and took whatever job was available to him in Jamaica to survive I didn't believe him. When his mother told me he would sell breadfruit, mangoes and sugarcane on the side of the road to make sure his rent was paid and food was in his belly I believed him. With my husband, he understood the struggles before he got to the states.

[Mrs. Smith 0]

JG; you have a message

That is my biigest fear, is getting brought down, I have struggled so hard to keep us a float, and feel I don't get the apprecitatin for it, cause he doesn't see how hard it is to keep the ball going....

Mrs. Smith that is a struggle and I thank God everyday and continue to pray that his frame of mind will never change. When he told me he did whatever he could and took whatever job was available to him in Jamaica to survive I didn't believe him. When his mother told me he would sell breadfruit, mangoes and sugarcane on the side of the road to make sure his rent was paid and food was in his belly I believed him. With my husband, he understood the struggles before he got to the states.

i thought based of the fact that my husband had constant struggles all while he was growing up , that me showing him the way of a better life would sink in..... BOY was I mistaken..... I have a cc with both our mnames on it, but I control it, cause if I let him, he would go buck wild......

Ladies, I went to counseling for 8 months with my SO, the counselor was West Indian herself, which was a blessing in disguise cause, it made it easier for me to understand where his side of things come from, great i understand... that still eaves him not understanding.... She told me something very wise , unfortunatley for my case his mindset is at like when I was 16 years old.... She said Suzy how would you handle this with your 18 yr old sister..... It took me a moment to get where she was coming from... This part of life and how things work is a transition.... He unfortunately was just taught to survive, u have to have patience with him like a child.... Tough love, that is what I would give my sister.... I will show you the way, but if you choose a different way and there are consequences you will have to face them.... that right ther has helped me progress in our relationship....

[*JG* 2]

thought based of the fact that my husband had constant struggles all while he was growing up , that me showing him the way of a better life would sink in..... BOY was I mistaken.....

Exactly my thinking.

JG; you have a message

That is my biigest fear, is getting brought down, I have struggled so hard to keep us a float, and feel I don't get the apprecitatin for it, cause he doesn't see how hard it is to keep the ball going....

I agree, that was one of my biggest fears too. He felt like I should co-sign for things for him if needed becuase he was my "HUSBAND"

I tried to explain to him about getting too far ahead of ourselves credit wise, and how it's not good to be stretched out like that.. Besides it took me a really really long time to get to where I have A-1 credit and I'm not trying to lose it..

Did you stand your ground or give in?

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

thought based of the fact that my husband had constant struggles all while he was growing up , that me showing him the way of a better life would sink in..... BOY was I mistaken.....

Exactly my thinking.

Sometimes they just don't get it. Like my EX his mind set was not on family and priorties or moving ahead in life...it was him playing football 7 days and week and hanging out and not appreciating me. I had enough and when I chose to walk that's when he wanted to make changes, too DAMN RASS LITTLE TO DAMN RASS LATE.

I decided that I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF...I don't need anyone else to drag me down.