Adjustment to the United States

[morantbaygirl 0]

Thank you...

Austin is doing good. He'll be 15 soon. He's a good boy and got pretty good grades on his report card yesterday (all B's), except for 1 grade because he failed the flippin county assessment. Still waiting on the teacher to respond to be about that one. Poor boy has severe test anxiety and knows the material but then gets in front of it, timed.... wham, brain goes blank!

Howze your daughter?

I'm bummed that I wasn't able to make JALove's baby shower and meet everyone. Austin's soccer game was re-scheduled for right smack dab in the middle of the party and his game was in Virginia.

Anytime ANYone is up for another meet and greet in the MD/VA/DC/PA/NY -and whoever else is close enough........let me know, cause ya know, 3 yrs has been long enough for us not to meet in person and we're only 40 minutes ? from each other !

Kelly, I am so happy to hear that things are turning around for you - I know that it has been a tough road.

Much respect to you for sticking it through - and for being honest with it all.

Ditto...Good luck to you and Craig

How's your son doing?

Hey- we were just talking about that! but more of the Va-NC-TN-DC area

either way.. It seems we have more people that way than I realized!

DON"T forget Georgia We can meet at Claire"s house that half way for alot of people!!!

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

I had a few minutes today, waiting for a computer tech to show up....to browse and I'm happy you guys posted this.

Me, personally, I've never really disappeared, I just don't have time and when I do jump on here and browse, I just can't believe some things that go on and when I have posted, lets just say it's not like it used to be.

If anyone really has time, go back and read the Yardie thread from day one, well maybe it was later because many of us were going through the process at the same time and we didn't have anything to compare to---at that time. We've talked about adjustments till the cows come home and then those that really tell it like it is, seem to get bashed, etc etc etc. I for one, am like Kelly, I'm not afraid to tell really tell it like it is, even if the truth may hurt.

Craig has been in the states for 2 1/2 years. We've been through absolutely everything you can imagine. We had been separated for the past 8 months ....and 2 weeks ago, we decided to really give this another shot....cause trust me, I was SOOO done! He seems to really "get it" now...just living on his own, paying his own bills (not that he had many), etc etc. Long story short, he was court ordered to go through 22 weeks of anger management classes through the domestic violence center. He learned ALOT from it, learned how to handle and react to certain situations, to talk calmly and it's also helped our relationship. He's also in a study through one of our local colleges for Alcohol and Drug abuse programs. We both were interviewed once a month, till the 9th month and then we'll have a final interview at the 1 yr mark (me over the phone and he had to go into their office). He tells me all the time that he's really liked the fact that he's able to talk to someone about issues he had growing up, life choices he's had, dealing with everything here, etc etc.

Our relationship seems to be ....now....after almost 4 years of being together and 2 yrs in the states, to be getting right on track. We were talking this past weekend about how strong our relationship is now and then last night...he comes clean and says that he really thinks he has a drinking problem (although I've known that all along). SO, yet another tough hurdle we'll have to go through.

There are many that I know of that don't come on here anymore, just because their relationships have broken up, or going through really tough times and may be "embarrassed" to post and then there's the other half that just don't have the time.

For anyone that is new out there and are going through this crazy-a&& process, please pleeeeease listen to the advice from us that have been there done that. I never sugar coat anything about our relationship and I'm always here for anyone that wants to chat about obstacles, advice, to listen to. In the 3 1/2 yrs that I've been on this thread, I've learned ALOT and I thank everyone that has stood by me through good, bad & the ugly. If it wasn't for this thread, shoot...I would have lost my mind a loooooooooooooooooooooooong, long time ago.

So THANK YOU MS SQUITTO for starting this yardie thread up when you did !

Kelly

what's up neighbor; Thanks!

I'm so glad u posted that and for sharing your story. Leave it to time.

[Yaads 0]

RIGHT AND SOMETHIngs are meant to be kept between husband and wife..like I've said before you cam share ur adjustment but it doesn't have to get personal..JUST MY OPINION

Thank you!

How adjustment for the SO is going?

Things are going pretty well right now. Seems like some of the biggest obstacles are behind us.

What types of accomplishments has the SO obtained?

Tons - got a drivers license, had a steady job he enjoys, owns his own car, working towards a house, just got the 10 year GC.

What types of obstacles with the move have they encountered?

Finding a barber was a big one...we eventually just bought a shaver and he does it himself or I do it for him. Had the same skin issues and found Gold Bond Medicated worked wonders. Learning to drive was difficult and it definitely helped to get an outside person to teach. Like others the rules and regulations are annoying but we have learned to deal. Also the differences in the work environment were a big one - vacation time, sick pay, regular breaks and lunch periods...going to work in bad weather, being punctual etc.

How has the whole inital visa process shaped your now life?

It seems for the longest time everything revolves around USCIS. You are always working towards the next step in the process. I hope to never hear myself say "smile for immigration" while taking a picture ever again.

Was it hard for the SO to assimilate into the American culture?

Yes it was definitely a struggle. I think it was more of a struggle though to married life than to American culture.

Do they like the States?

He likes it here.

Was it what they expected?

Some parts were, some parts definitely not.

How has climate affected them?

Like I said we had the skin issues but for the most part it hasn't been to bad. He misses the sun day after day when all we are getting is rain but overall its good. I still remember the first snowfall

Are they in school or working? Working at the same job he started out with...over 2.5 years now.

Were there any obstacles here?

Oh so many I couldn't even begin a list

Edited November 14, 2008 by Yaads

[Marie876 0]

Lance and I haven't even filed yet (2 more months!!! ) but I just wanted to say thank you to those who share your experiences. I'm a private person so I know how hard it must be to tell people about your personal life. I've learned alot from any of you and most times I've been exposed to issues and topics that i never even thought about.

- Marie

[Marlita 0]

so..all of yall that are "adjusting." heeh what is your favorite story?

better yet...what is the "arrival" story.... the first time he saw YOU in the US..the first time he drove interstate...first time he saw yoru house...etc., etc.,

Oh my gosh!! he drives on the wrong side of the road all the time. When he drives I have to constantly tell him to keep to the right. and then he seems to close to the right he may knock a rear view mirror off the parked cars.

He thinks the freeways are crazy. people driving like 70+ MPH, he thinks its scary and thinks about how horrible an accident can be on them.

[Marlita 0]

RIGHT AND SOMETHIngs are meant to be kept between husband and wife..like I've said before you cam share ur adjustment but it doesn't have to get personal..JUST MY OPINION

This is how I feel also Kimmy. These are MARRIAGES we are talking about here...for some...and that a WHOLE nother ball game when it comes to letting any and everyone in on the dissecting game. Thats why I complete understand the reason folkd dont talk so much. However, I think there have been some good friendships developed here so if people share in the background via phone email PM thats great. I just dont want folks to really need someone to talk to and feel like there is no where to turn when there are probably tons of us going thru the same exact thing.

Now on to this threads intention...I know there are problems people have, but I also want to be positive and hear of some of the accomplishments too that your husband or wife have experienced. It would be nice to hear funny stories of some sort of first experience they had, and frustrations, how's life as a newlywed, or long wed-living together-couple?

I thank all of you for sharing your US stories. These are all really great!

[SupportOAFJF 0]

I agree Lita, things can be shared between frenz not all over and I agree on the accomplishment comment. not just misfortunes are apart of the adhustment process right

[Shemmy 4]

Luv - glad to hear your son is well. My daughter is doing good. We moved to VA so she's adjusting to a new school. Her grades could be better

Thanks again but don't be a stranger.

We'll have another get together soon

[Shemmy 4]

If anyone really has time, go back and read the Yardie thread from day one, well maybe it was later because many of us were going through the process at the same time and we didn't have anything to compare to---at that time. We've talked about adjustments till the cows come home and then those that really tell it like it is, seem to get bashed, etc etc etc. I for one, am like Kelly, I'm not afraid to tell really tell it like it is, even if the truth may hurt.

Anyone who knows me knows that A and I have been through hell and back many times. We have gone through more than I ever could have imagined. My glasses were very rose colored before he arrived and my expectations and his expectations of what marriage really consisted of was so far off point it was embarrassing – can we say fantasy land? They will also know that I have been very open, honest and forthcoming with our struggles in the past. They were around to let me cry on their shoulder and read through my posts that went on for pages about the struggles and the trials and times of heartbreak. They talked me back off the ledge and gave me insight and resources that saved me many times.

In my opinion VJ and the Yardie thread was a whole different ballgame back then. We were a family and we were all wonderful friends. We were one big support system, a place you could go to with any question – serious or crazy and get the help you sought. Things aren’t like that now. People are defensive and bash others at the slightest thing. They get mad when truth is spoken and don’t want their little fantasy bubble full of roses and warm and fuzzies to be popped or disrupted. How dare someone have the audacity to tell the negative sides of their relationship and this journey and how dare they think that someone else could possibly experience the same thing and benefit from hearing a similar tale. Someone can’t say their opinion here without being ripped apart by others because they don’t happen to have the same viewpoint.

So while I do think that it is a wonderful thing to talk about and that it can help people out so much to know what could happen to them and has happened to others – I personally choose not to share publicly anymore. I happily share with others behind the scenes via email, phone, IM/PM and my story is out there in the old yardie threads somewhere but I choose not to share personal details on the Yardie thread or in this message board anymore. It just isn’t worth it to me to be treated horribly for sharing. So I will let the Yardie thread continue to be what others want it to be – a place of chit chat and small talk. Anyone is free to contact me anytime and I will be more than happy to share my adjustment experience and our ups and downs but I will not be putting it out there as fodder to the masses. If you choose to that is your decision and I respect that…please respect my choice as well.

I agree....much respect Yaads

[*JG* 2]

Hey, Kel. Must be something about the Kelly's being outspoken.

So great to see you on here. I'v missed you. But, then, you know that cause I tell you all the time.

Wow! About Craig. Maybe it was what he needed....time apart....to realize how great you are and what he had. I hope it all works out for you guys.

Hit me up with an e-mail from time to time, please.

[nannygirl82 0]

i have posted and talked about it before...i'll add my 2 cents to this topic...

What types of accomplishments has the SO obtained?i guess you could say trying to make it on his own..getting a job by himself

What types of obstacles with the move have they encountered?Lets see once he got here he changed...wanted to buy anything and everything...even though we talked many times before he got here money needed to be saved and we couldn't go shopping all the time...never got that..also the computer....thought it was great to call and talk with other women online....and pick up ladies at the bus stop....he had this idea in his head that everyone would fall at his feet when they found out he was from JA..also he felt his money was his money to do what he please, but my money was for the both of us....

How has the whole inital visa process shaped your now life?i know a lot more about immigration then the next person

Was it hard for the SO to assimilate into the American culture?NO...he wanted to be American and JA when it fit him

I can also say I tried to get him to take classes...he left the test after i dropped him off...i worked with him with reading ect and he really didn't care...

I guess you could say I had a BAD experience....i know i might sound negative...but i feel like i was taken for a fool even though we were together for almost 3 years before he got here i thought i knew him....i guess in time that pain and anger will go away...

[clairern 0]

I had a few minutes today, waiting for a computer tech to show up....to browse and I'm happy you guys posted this.

Me, personally, I've never really disappeared, I just don't have time and when I do jump on here and browse, I just can't believe some things that go on and when I have posted, lets just say it's not like it used to be.

If anyone really has time, go back and read the Yardie thread from day one, well maybe it was later because many of us were going through the process at the same time and we didn't have anything to compare to---at that time. We've talked about adjustments till the cows come home and then those that really tell it like it is, seem to get bashed, etc etc etc. I for one, am like Kelly, I'm not afraid to tell really tell it like it is, even if the truth may hurt.

Craig has been in the states for 2 1/2 years. We've been through absolutely everything you can imagine. We had been separated for the past 8 months ....and 2 weeks ago, we decided to really give this another shot....cause trust me, I was SOOO done! He seems to really "get it" now...just living on his own, paying his own bills (not that he had many), etc etc. Long story short, he was court ordered to go through 22 weeks of anger management classes through the domestic violence center. He learned ALOT from it, learned how to handle and react to certain situations, to talk calmly and it's also helped our relationship. He's also in a study through one of our local colleges for Alcohol and Drug abuse programs. We both were interviewed once a month, till the 9th month and then we'll have a final interview at the 1 yr mark (me over the phone and he had to go into their office). He tells me all the time that he's really liked the fact that he's able to talk to someone about issues he had growing up, life choices he's had, dealing with everything here, etc etc.

Our relationship seems to be ....now....after almost 4 years of being together and 2 yrs in the states, to be getting right on track. We were talking this past weekend about how strong our relationship is now and then last night...he comes clean and says that he really thinks he has a drinking problem (although I've known that all along). SO, yet another tough hurdle we'll have to go through.

There are many that I know of that don't come on here anymore, just because their relationships have broken up, or going through really tough times and may be "embarrassed" to post and then there's the other half that just don't have the time.

For anyone that is new out there and are going through this crazy-a&& process, please pleeeeease listen to the advice from us that have been there done that. I never sugar coat anything about our relationship and I'm always here for anyone that wants to chat about obstacles, advice, to listen to. In the 3 1/2 yrs that I've been on this thread, I've learned ALOT and I thank everyone that has stood by me through good, bad & the ugly. If it wasn't for this thread, shoot...I would have lost my mind a loooooooooooooooooooooooong, long time ago.

So THANK YOU MS SQUITTO for starting this yardie thread up when you did !

Kelly

First off, Marlita, I think sometimes people disappear because they find it really is harder to adjust then they thought it would be. They don't want to appear unhappy, so they just don't talk about it.

You know I really thought this might be the case JG, and I respect everyones decision in how they handle their OWN personal family and marriage. So that makes complete sense. I mean...I'm not one to come online and blast all my dirty laundry too, but I do from time to time talk about the obstacles that I may be facing do to this process, or just the relationship in general.

But for the most part, I did start to think that maybe some people went away because they were dealing with some hard adjusment issues and didnt think it best to discuss them on here...i respect that.

Kelly, I am so very happy to hear that you are giving your relationshp another chance.

[clairern 0]

Thank you...

Austin is doing good. He'll be 15 soon. He's a good boy and got pretty good grades on his report card yesterday (all B's), except for 1 grade because he failed the flippin county assessment. Still waiting on the teacher to respond to be about that one. Poor boy has severe test anxiety and knows the material but then gets in front of it, timed.... wham, brain goes blank!

Howze your daughter?

I'm bummed that I wasn't able to make JALove's baby shower and meet everyone. Austin's soccer game was re-scheduled for right smack dab in the middle of the party and his game was in Virginia.

Anytime ANYone is up for another meet and greet in the MD/VA/DC/PA/NY -and whoever else is close enough........let me know, cause ya know, 3 yrs has been long enough for us not to meet in person and we're only 40 minutes ? from each other !

Kelly, I am so happy to hear that things are turning around for you - I know that it has been a tough road.

Much respect to you for sticking it through - and for being honest with it all.

Ditto...Good luck to you and Craig

How's your son doing?

Hey- we were just talking about that! but more of the Va-NC-TN-DC area

either way.. It seems we have more people that way than I realized!

DON"T forget Georgia We can meet at Claire"s house that half way for alot of people!!!

Girl, you got that right.

[clairern 0]

RIGHT AND SOMETHIngs are meant to be kept between husband and wife..like I've said before you cam share ur adjustment but it doesn't have to get personal..JUST MY OPINION

Thank you!

How adjustment for the SO is going?

Things are going pretty well right now. Seems like some of the biggest obstacles are behind us.

What types of accomplishments has the SO obtained?

Tons - got a drivers license, had a steady job he enjoys, owns his own car, working towards a house, just got the 10 year GC.

What types of obstacles with the move have they encountered?

Finding a barber was a big one...we eventually just bought a shaver and he does it himself or I do it for him. Had the same skin issues and found Gold Bond Medicated worked wonders. Learning to drive was difficult and it definitely helped to get an outside person to teach. Like others the rules and regulations are annoying but we have learned to deal. Also the differences in the work environment were a big one - vacation time, sick pay, regular breaks and lunch periods...going to work in bad weather, being punctual etc.

How has the whole inital visa process shaped your now life?

It seems for the longest time everything revolves around USCIS. You are always working towards the next step in the process. I hope to never hear myself say "smile for immigration" while taking a picture ever again.

Was it hard for the SO to assimilate into the American culture?

Yes it was definitely a struggle. I think it was more of a struggle though to married life than to American culture.

Do they like the States?

He likes it here.

Was it what they expected?

Some parts were, some parts definitely not.

How has climate affected them?

Like I said we had the skin issues but for the most part it hasn't been to bad. He misses the sun day after day when all we are getting is rain but overall its good. I still remember the first snowfall

Are they in school or working? Working at the same job he started out with...over 2.5 years now.

Were there any obstacles here?

Oh so many I couldn't even begin a list

Congrats Yaads Are you going to do the citizenship?

[clairern 0]

Hey Ladies, I have no adjustment story to share but wanted to thank all those who shared their experiences on this board. Mike is coming back to NC on Monday and we will see what happens with that.

He had a very difficult time adjusting or dealing with the fact that he was no longer the "man" and he did not have the upper hand anymore. He also said that he felt like his ego was at stake when he found out that for a period of time he had to be financially dependent on others. His eyes are now open and we have decided to give it a try. I hope this does work out for us.

Hopefully, down the line I will have adjustment stories to share.

When he saw my bedroom for the first time he sais "this is like a portrait. It should be framed. Do you have a pic of this room" I just laughed and said no. My bedroom to me is just plain and ordinary, so I stood back and tried to see it through his eyes, but for the life of me, I just could not. lol