Adjustment to the United States

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

Hey you guys,

I've been gone for awhile, but another Vjr told me to get on and share my "adjustment" story.

As most of you know, my relationship has been a constant battle. Going back to the yardie thread part 1 or 2 ?

I met Craig on my 20th time to Jamaica, so I knew the island, the culture, the people, the food, etc etc. way before I met him. I've stayed at both hotels and then at his (moms house). I know how both sides live there, that was never an issue.

It took a couple of trips for our relationship to blossom, because I had seen it all. Craig was different than any of the Jamaican man that I knew (and known) and met over the years. He was kind, considerate, affectionate, smoked but never in front of my son. I only found out later (after he moved here and was honest about it) just *how much* he smoked. We talked everyday, sometimes a couple of times a day. I went there every other month for a year, with and without my son (whom he met 1st and my son introduced us). I extended our petition 4x because I wasn't ready and I felt he wasn't ready either. We even took a 6 month break in between. Something was just different about him than any other man I had met, ever.

I had little red flags, but what relationship doesn't. Now since I was going through this back with some of the "veterans", we really didn't have much experience to bounce things off of each other like we can today. When he basically got denied for failing his medical (although didn't make it to the embassy, hence paying off someone at the lab), that was huge for me! "I" was the one that got interviewed, not Craig.

I've said it a million times, Craig has changed since coming here. He's not the same person that I met and he says that to me all of the time. He knows that he's become "ugly", but never does anything about it to improve himself and make a better life. He's miserable and wants to make everyone around him miserable.

I have a client that works for immigration in Baltimore, so Craig has been working since the 3rd week of him stepping into the US. Craig NEVER ever puts towards anything in bills. I've taken money out of his account, without him knowing it because asking (or demanding) it never gets us anywhere.

I've sat down with him time and time again and gone over the bills, bank accounts, money, groceries, school, work, pets, etc etc etc a million times, but he STILL doesn't get it !!! He's overdrawn his bank account about 20-30x now!!

I found out about another farrin women (he failed to mention about before he came here) about the 3rd week he got here....and he tried to hide the relationship. We've been through the other womens phone numbers, smoking, emotional affair, physical ####### (lead to his arrest, 22 weeks of anger management, I kicked him out), I mean everything you can imagine .....we've been through.

I stupidly allowed him to come back the middle of October because I truly saw a little bit of a better change in him. I had a trip already planned to Jamaica with my son, he whined so much that he ended up going too. He was out of control there, smoked and drank to embarrass himself and me in front of Managers and staff at the hotel, my friends and his cousin.........we are now SOOOO DONE !!! We haven't slept in the same bed since the week before that trip, we are not affectionate with each other, we talk...but it's on a "friendship" level.

He just WILL NOT LEAVE THIS HOUSE ! I've been nice, I've been a bee-atch, I've been patient, understanding, compassionate, helpful and compromised the heck out of everything, but it's just not working!!! I do NOT love him anymore, I do care about what happens to him, but there's no love between us. He says he loves me all the time, but he truly doesn't know what it means to be in a marriage or faithful and honest relationship and I'm done trying to teach him.

[u]We've been together for 4 years, married for 2. I told him that I will not file the ROC come November. I want a divorce...but...that just all leads to another battle, threats of suing me, etc etc. My son and I BOTH want him gone, but .....like I said, he will not leave !![/u]

I'm very close to Craig's mom, she knows everything that's been going on (so do some relatives now), but the way I feel about Craig will never ever change the way I feel about Jamaica and the island, vibe, etc etc etc !!!

Craig has sucked the life out of me, it's affecting my relationship with my son. I just got back from the Dominican Republic Friday night for a travel agent trip and I had THE BEST time of my life. I truly needed it. I danced, laughed, sang, just everything to enjoy being me and to not have that feeling of someone of making me feel guilty for being ME, was really and truly nice !!

As everyone that knows me knows that I'm never ever ever afraid to discuss my relationship on here or behind closed doors, ever. I've made some wonderful relationships with women on here that I treasure everyday because they've been my rock and you know who you are !!!

He's now in Philly, I think .....didn't really tell me where he was actually heading to or when he'll get back, but DA&N is it NICE to be in my home QUIET AGAIN !!! and have me and my son laughing and enjoying each others company without feeling guilty for being his mother !

Take care everyone, I'm never on here anymore, but I'm here .... if anyone needs to vent, talk to...'kay?!

Love,

Kelly

[Shemmy 4]

Jawi - how are you feeling? How's work coming along?

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

I also forgot to mention, Craig has been without any work (not that he's even looking) for the past 7 weeks now. It has put even a bigger strain on us and me, but he could care less. I bust my butt working 2 jobs and I've been extremely busy.

He has failed about 4 drug tests to date (that I know of) for GOOD jobs, but ...still doesn't get it !! It's going to take him actually getting caught to probably get it. He now hangs with a 20 yr old that he goes and buys beer for, still doesn't get that he's not allowed to do that !

He's been here 2 1/2 years and I've never once met any of his so called "friends". He's met every one of mine, both male and female!!

He left yesterday, overdrew his bank account again and went to who knows where ??

It's just never ending. I'm hoping and praying that he stays there, but...he only took a very small bag !

Hey Kelly, thanks for sharing that..

I have several friends in the same situation the "smoking" is a big issue. One of them her husband has not been able to get a job because he has failed all the urine drug screen and all he says to her is "if he was in Jamaica, you jus fling a few dollahs"...well, you not in Jamaica.

Ugh...I'm having trouble with that attitude.... do it right the first time and not worry about cleaning up the mess after....

And unfortunately the "attitude" WILL NEVER EVER GO AWAY !!!! When he gets here and doesn't get his "way", doesn't have a job for months and months, doesn't have money in his own pocket (and I'm not supposed to be the ATM, especially if he's working), there's going to be major attitude. It's always all about them and NOT his wife and/or HER children!!!!

Gosh, just thinking back to all of the constant "promises" Craig made to be such a supporting husband, both mentally and physically. That he couldn't wait to work hard.... to support his wife, helping around the house, with Austin, and the list goes on and on. He hates that I have to work a 2nd job, but....he's done nothing about that to change it ! I have yet to see "promises" fulfilled to any of that. Him doing the dishes once a week or taking out the trash once a week is his way of helping!!!! Yeah right...

The smoking was never really a huge issue till he moved back in. He probably did it more when he was not living in this house for 9 months, but forgot that it's unacceptable. We talked about the smoking prior to him coming here, till I was blue in the face and he "understood" that it was not going to happen in the house, especially with Austin here. Austin has seen him get high numerous times and Craig tries to deny it !

It's really and truly frustrating for all of us that have our men here and the ones whose relationships don't (or didn't) work out...and I know personally of 9 of them in this past year. What we put out for these guys ...in time, energy and money ....thinking (hoping and praying) that this will be forever....yeah....not happenin !!!

If ANY of your men have any cousins and/or friends here already, or actually they don't have to be here -it's just what they hear and see on TV, good luck with that. You can talk about everyting until your blue in the face, they won't truly truly get it until they feel and see it for themselves. Then when they get here, they'll get the phone call from a "friend" or cousin that says, no mon....it's not like this or that and then there's where the arguments start. YOU are constantly competing with what eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeveryone else puts into their head!!!!!!

I've said it before and I'll say it again ....you are basically training an "adult" ....i.e. babysitting. You can deny it all you want, but it's true. You are molding a person to fit into the "US" rules & regulations and that entire scenario brings constant battles and arguments!!!

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

There were to many that I wanted to respond to, so I'm going to try in one shot....and I wasn't going to...but...

First...there WAS loads of love in my relationship with Craig. He still loves the heck out of me, tells me all the time, tries his best to show me, but with all the things that have happened, just don't feel that I need to hurt again by it all.

Second....Shauna and I are the best of friends, we've been in each others company many maaaaany times during and after they've broken up. We all had the best of times and looking back, can't even begin to tell you why that Craig AND Mike acted the way they did (do) !!

My parents are VERY racist, always have been, but for me, I like/love a person (man/woman) for who they are, not because of the color of their flippin skin. My sons friends, and they are all black or asian/black, freak out because "I" listen to "their" music. I love Reggae and Jamaica more than Craig sometimes feels. My apartment is filled with Caribbean stuff and has been that way waaaaay before Craig came into the picture.

When Craig came here, I investigated Black barbers and razors things, Jamaican restaurants, music, etc etc. I took him on a Reggae Sail as a suprise for our wedding gift. Within the 1st week of him getting here I took him out to hang with my friends and see my friends Reggae band and they welcomed him with opened arms ....as ALL of my friends have/did.

Craig was never one to go out and party, still doesn't. He's never been to a club by himself in the 2 1/2 years living here, we go out together, but not as much.

Craig was never the jealous type until, for whatever reasons, he got here. I have maaaany male friends and he knows each and every one of them, but I also have a ton of male friends in Jamaica and he knows that to, because I've introduced him to them all.

Craig and I talk ALLL the time, that's one of the things that I love about our relationship is we communicate ALLLL the time, now....sometimes he'll hold things over my head....um, that's part of immaturity on his part.

Yes, Craig is younger than me....but when I met him I thought he was older, just the way he carried himself and from the people he surrounded himself with. Here..totally different story.

This entire process is a LEARNING process and Craig (and many others that "I" KNOW OF) still do not get it!! I tell Craig all the time that you should be learning from your mistakes and never make those mistakes again, but that just doesn't seem to flippin sink in !

I've sat down with him, showed him budget, money, bank, books, newspapers, resumes, broken out maps, showed bus routes, areas where he can go, places where he can visit...shoot he knows more about my area than I do and I'm from here. I helped him try to find jobs, dag...I've done it all as we all do, but when do you stop "teaching" and showing??? Comes a point, right ?

We live in an area that is ALL Asian/Muslim, never used to be that way, but has become that way....my son is the minority at the bus stop! We live in the richest county in the Nation, where racism is around us everyday!

Craig said to me this morning, that when he went to Philly & New York this weekend, he does not like it there. It's to busy for him, he likes the quiet...we're not out in the middle of east bum...but he has become self sufficient in getting himself around and doesn't complain about taking the bus anymore, but we had those battles for a long time!!

Like I've said....a thousand times, there are sooooooooooooooooooo many things that you (newbies) don't think of that they need to learn ....just like the breath that comes out of their mouths in the cold, thinking it's warm outside (in the winter) just because the sun is shining. Turning off lights, radio, etc etc....and leaving without thinking that's sucking up the electricity. Paying bills and on time. Groceries are way more expensive. Some of us don't have a JA grocery store us the street. For Craig, there's never ever been an issue with food. He loves American food all the same. Yes he misses JA food, but doesn't whine and cry about it! Now that we have a Golden Krust up the street...."I" love it and go there more than he does !!

Yes, Craig has been abusive, I guess you want to call that, never verbally... and he tried to lay a hand on me ONCE and I took action with that. I will never ever tolerate a "man" living in my house that's abusive. He received the help he needed and it helped ....and he learned from that. He tries to get loud, still.....but I'm the calm one.

So....question, if YOU (anyone) were to "go through what I've gone through"....do YOU pick up and move out of a place where YOU have lived for 11 yrs, move your child/children to a new school and new friends, move to a different soccer club and give up everything YOU have had and known.......NO, the man should leave !!!! and that's the thing Craig won't do and I have no way of "getting him to"!! Oh, I could let him beat me up, call the cops and go that route...

I told him today, cause he's been reading everything that has been going on and said.....he said that HE has changed since coming here. He knows that...now fix it and get it back to the way it was...with or without me !!!

SOME of these guys are very much influenced by their "friends" and "cousins" as I've said a million times before. It's a battle that's constantly going on. Craig has to learn wrong...himself, part of "growing up" and it SUCKS that as a "man" ...he's starting fresh, so to speak.

I've been friends with many of the women on this site for 4-5 years now and the ones that I'm close with, we have ALL gone through the major BS that maybe SOME of you haven't....and that's awesome. Trust me, I would HATE to have anyone go through this. The veterans that don't come on here anymore, don't because it's just like how it used to be 4-5 yrs ago. We used to share, cry and embrace each other ...good, bad or ugly, not nowadays, it's like a piece of meat being thrown into a cage !!!

God has a plan for everyone................for whatever reason, we (me and Craig) are still on a path..... to ???

[Jonesie 1]

I'm speechless because it's the same things she said in 2007 and before that....sad situation.

Mi know Shemmy.

I wasn't gonna say anything, but this has been nagging at me all day. Kelly, your duty as a PARENT and MOTHER is to do what is best for your SON first and foremost. This is not to be taken as you and your son vs. Craig, but you must realize that what your son sees will ultimately have an effect on him. Believe what you want but our environments do have an effect on us. Craig has not proven to you or your son that he wants to be a family with you and your son, because if he were truly remorseful about his actions then he would have changed and stepped to the plate a long time ago.

You delayed the petition four times in the past for a reason. Your instincts were telling you to run like hell the other way. Money paid on trips or not - you'd be better off had you not brought him to the states - saving yourself the financial strain of supporting a household of three (Craig's grown behind - who you said is not looking for work, you and your son), and the emotional toll this has taken on both you and your child. My mother was in an abusive relationship and I was about 5 when things ended - and I can tell you clear as day how bad things were living with my stepfather - and I KNOW your son (who is a lot older than I was) is not stupid and he knows that things aren't good with you and Craig. Your son is the one I really feel sorry for because he deserves better. Even if you decide to stay with Craig, your son needs a stable father figure in his life - one who exemplifies what it is to be a man.

Forget him not leaving the apartment - mi woulda pack up mi tings and lef lan time. Mek him suffer an deal wid ie.

And that comment about most of us (yardie relationships) will go through this is fuckery. I feel blessed to have my husband because he has treated me better than ANY man I've ever dated, and it's not because of the green card. Every relationship is different, as are the individuals. I wouldn't tolerate disrespect from him, nor would he from me. And for anyone that wants to counteract me and say I don't know my man - go dead a bush. Mi an mi man par for over 5 years now an we tight like shoeslace. Mi know dat straight.

Edited February 12, 2009 by Jonesie

[Jonesie 1]

Well I will be honest I did sit there for awhile hoping that he would change. I didn't want to say to myself down the road if I would have been more patient or given it more time could things have been different. I was feeling guilting regarding the divorce and my daughter. I didn't want her to grow up having her parents divorced. But I did a lot of soul searching and realized it wasn't going to change and that it is time to move on. He wasn't there for me and he wasn't being a father to our daughter either. Then I finally realized the BEST thing I could do for her was to get a divorce. This did not happen overnight and it took me a long time after we even separated to take the ring off. I guess I went through it in stages.

This is the truth - you thought about your daughter and what was best for her. Now you're with someone who loves you and Marley like a man/father should care about his family.

[MrsBuggy 0]

Hello Yaardies!

Well, after reading ALL of the posts on here, I have alot on my mind. First, thank you all for sharing your experiences. This has been by far a learning experience for me.

I'm still waiting for my husband to reach the states, but best believe til he does, we will be talking about any situation that may arise. Not saying that what we say now is how it will happen, but at least we have some type of idea. I do know that we WILL go through some issues in every part of our relationship, but through prayer, I'm sure things will work out as they should regardless of what He & I want.

I'm a newbie and I will continue to read and post reagardless... good, bad or indifferent.

[Sonshyne 2]

Mike told me that I emotionally abandoned him and I never understood him. I gues I now see where he was coming from. The only thing was that he did not show me any either, so it escalated and he left. Thanks for sharing your situation with us. I will remember this always and used it in my next relationshp. (If there is another) lol

One thing I also feel is that he was not dedicated enough to want to work on it. Another draw back is when they have family here and can run to them or talk on the phone and get negative influences.

Reading over this thread has brought some things to light that may (or maynot) have cause some issues in my marriage as well. I don't feel that I emotionally abandoned him, I thought I was doing everything I could to make him comfortable in his new life.. I guess in the long run it wasn't enough.

There where times when he would just sit and be quite and to himself, I would ask whats wrong? He would say he was ok and just needed sometime to himself. I took that as him missing home and his friends and family.. I tried to do all I could to help keep him from being home sick and I would ask him if that is what was going on with him. He would always tell me that he wasn't but I knew he had to be. How could a person leave all they know and not miss it at some point?? My husband has this "Man Pride" thing about himself. He always keeps his emotions in check and never shows that side of himself.

I really wish we had of done counseling before and during the marriage. I believe it would have helped us a lot.

[JaHoney 3]

Again i say to you guys this info is invaluable. i take the time to talk to D< about things and this helps to highlight things that i may or may not have been aware of.Thanks for all who continue to share.

[Mrs. Smith 0]

wow..i guess she set YOU ALL straight...how can u talk about this woman..she has no issues..and is not in for a ride..wow....

You are obviously Jamiacan , I can tell by your nastiness towards what u think is wrong or right, YOUR OPINIION , keep it to your self...

KElly ( LUV) is not saying or putting out there what YOU ALL are interpretting...... YOU have taken what is suppose to be an outlet for woman to talk about there adjustments and suggestions, and ripped them into pieces... I can eaisly tell who you are , cause I have a MOTHER IN LAW that stays just like you... YOU think you are oh so mighty HOTLEGZ, so you don't need this sight, so gets to steppin...... AS far as anyone else with there opinions, no one's life is perfect whether you come form here , there or anywhere.... Kelly is a good wman and I have been in contact with her for 4 yrs... How dare anyone chastize her the way that you are..........

Peace OUt

[sus 70]

You are obviously Jamiacan , I can tell by your nastiness towards what u think is wrong or right, YOUR OPINIION , keep it to your self...

KElly ( LUV) is not saying or putting out there what YOU ALL are interpretting...... YOU have taken what is suppose to be an outlet for woman to talk about there adjustments and suggestions, and ripped them into pieces... I can eaisly tell who you are , cause I have a MOTHER IN LAW that stays just like you... YOU think you are oh so mighty HOTLEGZ, so you don't need this sight, so gets to steppin...... AS far as anyone else with there opinions, no one's life is perfect whether you come form here , there or anywhere.... Kelly is a good wman and I have been in contact with her for 4 yrs... How dare anyone chastize her the way that you are..........

Peace OUt

Mrs.Smith - You need to step back - If you have that attitude towards Jamaicans - No wonder you are having problems in your marriage. There are plenty of people here that have been supportive of Kelly, each and every time she posts the same story - But her issues are not solely related to the immigration one - Plenty of people care about her, plenty of people have supported her - no one wants to see her hurt. Sometimes tough love works - and if she didn't want honest opinions, she wouldn't have posted it all out in the open - And no one can live her life and make up her mind for her, she has to do that herself.

You seem to have selective reading and interpret what you want to see only - could be another reason you have issues?

[SupportOAFJF 0]

wow..i guess she set YOU ALL straight...how can u talk about this woman..she has no issues..and is not in for a ride..wow....

You are obviously Jamiacan , I can tell by your nastiness towards what u think is wrong or right, YOUR OPINIION , keep it to your self...

KElly ( LUV) is not saying or putting out there what YOU ALL are interpretting...... YOU have taken what is suppose to be an outlet for woman to talk about there adjustments and suggestions, and ripped them into pieces... I can eaisly tell who you are , cause I have a MOTHER IN LAW that stays just like you... YOU think you are oh so mighty HOTLEGZ, so you don't need this sight, so gets to steppin...... AS far as anyone else with there opinions, no one's life is perfect whether you come form here , there or anywhere.... Kelly is a good wman and I have been in contact with her for 4 yrs... How dare anyone chastize her the way that you are..........

Peace OUt

BITCHU ..fall the PHOCK back..dats why ur man is using you for a FUCKINGVISA..YES I AM A PROUD JAMIACAN..YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF...UR SO CALLED HUSBAND IS JAMAICAN..I FEEL BAD FOR HIM..I CAN SEE U WILL NEVER HAVE CHILDREN..NO WONDER UR HAVING PROBLEMS..FUCKYOU, YOUFUCKINGBITCH..U DON'T KNOW ME FROM ADAMS..KISSMYASS

Edited February 12, 2009 by Hotlegz

[SupportOAFJF 0]

AND I SEE WHY UR GOOD GOOD MIL HATES URFUCKING GUTS...U THINK SHE IS NOT ONTO WHAT UR HUSBAND IS DOING...I KEEP IT REAL..AND IF U WERE ANY OF A FRIEND TO KELLY YOU WOULD TELL HER THE TRUTH..U SEEM TO BE THE ONE IN DENIAL..AGAIN KISSMYASS..AND YES I KNOW EVERYTHING THATS WHY I'M NOT IN UR SHOES OR UR SITUATION..DUMBBITCH

[Shemmy 4]

Kimmy - they are not worth it. Just let the two of them continue to be miserable together.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Shemmy..dis gyal yah too brite..like she knowme..FUCKTHATBITCH..look at the ones that are having these CRAZY issues..and they think that shyt is adjustment..they love their men but that's IT..di man no love dem...thats why they are having a rollercoaster ride..it no tek 4yrs fi someone adjust..

BTW MRS SMITH..BIG UP UR MIL FOR ME..MI LOVE HAR BAD...